My Fears Burn While You're Around

I needed an escape.

I needed one now or this wasn't going to end up well at all.

How I let Johnny talk me into this was beyond my comprehension at the moment.

I let out a shaky breath from my place beside Matt on the couch of his house where the whole gang was gathered.

Now typically this would be all fine and dandy but here's the kicker. Almost everyone was well on their way to being drunk, including Matt.

You see, the day had started off well. The guys were all getting together to drink at Matt's place for a bit and I had informed both Matt and Johnny that I would just be staying at home for the evening. Probably watch a few movies, take a nice hot bath and then catch some sleep.

Johnny, however, had other ideas. He had talked me into coming with him on the grounds of he felt bad leaving me alone for the night. He said it wouldn’t be the same without me. Well he would have been right. It probably would have been better if I stayed home, better for me at least.

Matt was concerned when I walked in the door as Johnny drug me into the house. I had tried to tell him things would be alright but we both knew I was lying. He more so than me.

It had been alright at first. He started off with just a beer but then soon was progressing onto the hard liquor as the rest of the guys brought it out.

He wasn't fully gone yet but I feared the moment he was. I didn’t know how he was going to be.

The entire night I had caught Lisa and Val's eyes more than once and immediately felt sort of at odds. I imagined they had a sneaking suspicion as to my feelings but neither one really knew what to do about it. I myself wasn't too sure either, hence my need for an escape before things got too bad.

"Yo Cels. So have you found out how good Matt is bed yet?" Jimmy asked with a tease as Lisa firmly punched his arm. Jimmy's eyes were sort of glazed over and I knew he really wasn't in control of what he said anymore.

"Not yet Jimmy." I said quietly.

"What?!? You mean to tell me that you've been around for a month already and he hasn’t gotten into your pants yet? Damn Matt. You're slacking."

Matt shifted uncomfortably under me and Lisa was now telling Jimmy off for his drunken comment.

"Well it's true! Matt's just as bad as the rest of us and you know it." The hiss that came from Jimmy's mouth toward his fiancé was anything but quiet.

It was times like now that really made me question if that was the truth. Everyone had always said that the truth tends to come out when you were drunk. So was it true? Matt claimed he wasn't like that, and so did Val but what Jimmy was telling me in his drunken stupor could have been equally true.

Now I really needed that break.

I shrugged Matt's arms off of me and stood up. I muttered that I'd be back later and left the house despite the protests that followed me. I noticed that Matt had tried to stand up after me but he stumbled and fell sideways due to his intoxicated state. I could really only shake my head as I walked across the PCH until I reached the sand.

Letting out a huge sigh I wrapped my arms around myself and started walking down the coast on the sidewalk.

My feet scuffed against the pavement as I let out a sniff. I really didn’t know what to think. But what I did know was that I really should have stayed home.

The hardest thing about being around these guys was that I never knew when to take them seriously. I never knew who to believe and I never knew when they were joking. I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to figure people out. I always had to figure out what mood someone was in. Was someone angry enough to hurt me? Or were they placid for the time being? Thanks to my trust issues it wasn't easy to always know how people were and it took a lot of time for me to peg someone.

I hugged Matt's hoodie closer to my body as I continued to walk in the evening dusk.

Huntington was a pretty safe place after dark since most of the restaurants along the beach and on Main Street stayed open late. There were always people out and about so I felt safe. I found a vacant bench further down from my normal one and decided to sit for a bit to clear my mind.

Someone would find me eventually but my goal wasn't to hide from them. I just needed some time to clear my mind and get some air that didn’t reek of alcohol. As much as I wanted to, the house was too far away for me to walk to tonight. And yet here I was stuck with staying at Matt's for the night all because everyone was too drunk to drive and I was still without a license. Yay me.

My life just kept getting better and better.

I tugged my hands into the arms of the hoodie that were much too long and wrapped the floppy sleeves around my middle tightly after I had pulled the hood up.

The moon's reflection off of the waves was extremely comforting, as was the smell of the salty water as it wafted up in my direction. The white glow may have looked a bit creepy to anyone that had never grown up around the beach but it was something I had grown up loving. Night time at the beach was often my break away from life. While I was still at home I would sneak out at night and come here just for the peace and quiet. It quickly became a habit and was still something I enjoyed to this day.

I stretched my flip flop covered feet out in front of me and let out a sigh as I slouched back against the cement backing of the bench.

"Cels?" I heard a timid voice come from my left and I recognized it as belonging to Lisa. I nodded and heard her feet continue to patter against the ground until they stopped and she sat down.

"Why'd you leave?" She questioned quietly. I knew she was the only one who was at least somewhat sober and therefore I was thankful that it had been her to come out. That way I could at least hold a sensible conversation with someone.

"I just needed to clear my head." I whispered in reply as I pushed the hood back of the sweatshirt.

"That's what I thought." She sighed. "You do know that what Jimmy said isn't true right?"

"It isn’t?" I said in a tiny voice as a tear slipped out of my eye. I was tired of never knowing what or who to believe.

"No hun. It's not. Jimmy, well, he has a tendency to say things he doesn’t mean when he's drunk. He really doesn’t look into situations before he blurts things out. Matt used to be a player when he was younger. But he never took advantage of a girl against her will. He's settled down now though. All of the guys have. And I know I can speak for us all when I say that Matt is really fond of you. I haven’t seen him this happy since he was dating Val a few years ago." She scooted closer to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders in a sisterly manner.

"When Jimmy said that, after you left, Matt nearly decked him one. Brian had to hold him back which was quite a sight. And I'll bet that at this very moment he's sitting out on his porch wanting to come talk to you."

"Well I don't want to talk to him. Not tonight." I shook my head sadly. I was tired of being around the guys when they were drunk. Nothing seemed to turn out right.

"You do know that that's going to break his heart when he hears that." She told me matter of factly. I nodded knowing very well that Matt would be upset.

"I'm not mad at him I just, need some time to myself. I'm tired of never knowing who to believe Lis. I mean, talking to the guys when they are sober is completely different than talking to them when they are drunk. I'd rather talk to Matt when he's himself. I really didn’t even want to come tonight. I just want to go home."

Lisa nodded and reached into her pocket to pull out a ten dollar bill. "Here. We'll catch you a cab since no one can drive. You don't need to be around this tonight." I sniffed and gave her a hug thankful that at least someone understood.

Lisa's Pov

It didn't take long to put Celeste in a cab and send her home. She really shouldn’t have come tonight and I was going to make sure Johnny knew it wasn't his place to convince her to. I returned to the bench for a few minutes as I thought about how this all needed to be smoothed out. Matt's heart would be crushed when I told him Celeste had gone home. No doubt he would want to punch Jimmy's face in again.

Speaking of my dearest fiancé, he and I needed to have a chat about etiquette while drunk.
Realizing that I probably needed to head back I stood up and started back down the beach before turning up to face Matt's house.

Sure enough, there was Matt sitting on his porch holding his head in his hands. He looked distraught and seeing me alone was only going to make it worse.

As he heard my footsteps he looked up and his blood shot eyes lost the hope that they had just held.

"She's gone?" His voice cracked as he stood up to greet me.

"Yeah. I got her a cab to go home in. Matt I just don't know what to do. That poor girl. I could smack Johnny for dragging her here today." I explained as I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair. "She just doesn’t quite fit in with our group. I mean I love her to pieces but it seems like she still has a way to go. I just feel bad she's going through all of this in her life and knowing that our lifestyle isn't helping her get any better."

"I know what you mean. I just don't know what to do. I mean I'm trying to be myself and it works at times. But then there's days where I just want to let loose and have fun but yet I still want to impress her. Yet I feel like that's not always enough."

"Matt I think you impress her more than you know. She needs you and although she won't admit it, I can see it in her eyes. She needs a decent man in her life, someone to show her that not all guys are complete assholes who abuse her. You're perfect for that role and I think you're doing a fantastic job of showing her that. It's just going to take some time but I think you both already know that." I chuckled as Matt pulled me into a hug.

"You're awesome Lis. Sometimes I wonder how you got landed with Jimmy of all people." He shook his head in disbelief making us both laugh because his statement was true. I loved Jimmy with all of my heart though and I wouldn't trade him for any other guy. Sure there were times where he needed a reminding of his place but he was just too much fun.

"Speaking of Jimmy, I better go make sure nobody else has beaten him up yet. Why don't we go back in and finish off some drinks?" I suggested but the big guy didn’t really seem too enthralled with doing that. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and looked down to the floor.

"Naw I don't really feel like drinking anymore. I think I may catch a cab over to Johnny's place and apologize for what happened even though it wasn't really my fault. I feel like it still needs to be said on behalf of the guys. Do you think she will mind if I show up?"

I was hesitant to answer because Celeste had strictly said she didn’t want to see him tonight. If he showed up she probably wouldn't be too happy.

"Matt maybe you should wait until tomorrow morning to go over. I think she just needs some time to herself tonight." I could visibly see his heart breaking as my words came out but it was the truth. He would be smart enough to understand and then tomorrow morning when he had sobered up completely he could go woo the girl that he was clearly head over heels for.

My phone vibrated in my pocket as he started to speak but I held a finger up to silence him. Pulling it out I recognized the number as Johnny's house and hoped nothing was wrong with Cels. "Hello?"

"Hey Lis. I just wanted to tell you I got home alright. Thanks again for the cab." She sounded so exhausted and had good reason to be.

"No problem hun. Thanks for calling me. You sound tired." She let out a yawn unintentionally and I could practically see the sheepish smile on her face.

"I am. I'm going to hop in the bath and then head off to bed." Matt was practically jumping in place trying to get me to hand him the phone once he figured out who was on the other end. I kept glaring at him but he was pretty insistent.

"That sounds good. Hey babe, there's a certain guy here who won't stop bugging me about you. Would you want to talk to him for a minute so he'll get off my ass?" She let out a small chuckle knowing who I was talking about and I prayed she would say yes so Matt could relax for the night.

"Sure. Put the gorilla on the phone." I stifled a laugh and handed Matt my cell. His eyes lit up happily and his lips turned up in a grin, revealing his dimples.

"Hey Cels."

I decided to just let them talk and motioned to Matt that I was going back inside. He waved me off and sat back down on the porch.

Those two were meant to be. Now if only they would see it themselves.

Matt's Pov

"Hi Matt." She said quietly in response to my own greeting. Her voice just ached with exhaustion and I realized it was probably good she went home where she could get some sleep.

"I'm so sorry Cels." I apologized quietly. "I really am. That was out of line for Jimmy to say and just flat out uncalled for. I hope you don't think that of me." She let out a quiet sigh and I could just see her running a hand through her hair.

"It's alright Matt. I'm sorry I came. I shouldn’t have let Johnny talk me into coming. I just ruined everyone's let loose night and I'm sure the guys are frustrated with me right about now."

"Cels don't say that. None of the guys think that and I don’t want you to feel that way."

"I can't help it though Matt. I want so badly to be normal around you guys. I want to be able to let loose and drink too! It's just, well, taking me longer than I thought it would and I'm sorry for that." I let out a frustrated sigh at how she was turning everything around to be her fault when it wasn't. She had no control over the physical and emotional reactions she had to these things. It was in no way her fault.

"Celeste It's not your fault. These things just take time and we aren't helping you to get over these fears any faster. You don't have anything to be sorry for and I don't want you feeling like it's your fault because it's not."

"I know Matt. Can we, can we talk about this tomorrow. I really just want to get some sleep and forget about tonight." My heart ached to hear the sadness in her voice but it nearly shattered when I realized that this was all our doing.

"Sure thing babe. Get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow alright?"

"Alright. Good night Matt."

"Night Cels. Sleep well hun." I paused for a moment. "I love you." A dial tone met my ears as I said the last part and I knew she hadn't heard it. I flipped shut Lisa's phone and pocketed it before hanging my head in my hands.

This was it.

I wasn't going to let Celeste be hurt again. Not by me and not by anyone else. I was taking it upon myself to make sure she was safe and comfortable and right now I would do whatever it takes.

I stood back up and re-entered my house to the noise of the guys all laughing and cheering about something in the living room. I picked up a beer on my way through the kitchen and told myself this would be my last one tonight. Lisa watched me as I sat down on the couch and I tossed her phone back to her and mouthed a thanks which she returned with a grin.

"Is she okay?" She mouthed but made no noise.

I nodded as I knocked back my beer.

This was proving to be a challenge but I was not one to give up. Celeste was probably the most important girl in my life right now and there was no way I was going to rest until she was alright.

"Dude. Earth to Matt." Zacky said as he waved frantically in my face. I blinked a few times and shifted my gaze to him.

"Huh?" I questioned as he just smirked.

"So did you clear things up with her?" Zack questioned as he flopped down beside me on the couch.

"Sort of yeah."

"Why don't you just ask her out already?"

"Because man. Do you really think she's ready for that yet? I mean look at what happened tonight. I'm just waiting for the right moment you know? And right now is not the right time."

"Yeah I guess you're right. If you ever need help man let me know alright?" Zack clapped a hand on my shoulder and gave me a grin.

"Thanks man."

Well if Zacky was willing to help, maybe the other guys would be too. I mean, if we got to the point where she was completely comfortable around our lifestyles then we'd all be good to go right?

I would have to talk to them when they were in a more sober state.

And I could only help they would agree to help me.