My Fears Burn While You're Around

"Johnny I'm going to the beach for a walk! I'll be back later!" I yelled through the house.

I received a muffled "Alright" in return and left through the front door with my new cell phone tucked into my back pocket and my car keys and wallet in my hand.

I opened the door to my bmw carefully before sliding in and buckling up. My hands rested on the steering wheel as I let out a sigh laced with content. Things were going incredibly well for me lately and I could hardly contain my excitement about that.

The past week I had seen Matt practically every day. He mostly came to pick me up and take me places with the rest of the group. Johnny was busy trying to get his bass tracks finished for the record so he hadn't been around much. I missed seeing him to be honest but I knew work came first.

Despite things going extremely well for me lately, today was another story in itself. I had a lot to think about and a few errands to run on my own.

Today had to be done by myself and to be frank, I was scared to death. I wanted nothing more than to have Matt by my side today but I knew it would do no good. I had a routine for today and Matt wasn't part of it.

I turned the key in the ignition and was greeted with the low rumble of the soft engine. I closed my eyes as I let out another soft sigh before deciding it was now or never.

Better to get today over with.

Not even ten minutes later and I was pulling up in the beach parking lot. I left my ratty converse, that I couldn’t bear myself to part with after all this time, in the car and locked it behind me after getting out.

I stuffed my keys into my pocket and then let my hands follow so they were both hidden.
My eyes stared out at the water as I began my walk down to meet the ocean waves. It felt as if I were walking in slow motion to reach the water. This was probably the most peaceful part of my day and I was going to try and enjoy it as much as was possible.

My walk on the beach was mostly used as a reflection time I suppose you could call it. I didn’t want to reflect on what today was but I needed to remember as much as I wanted to forget. Today marked the anniversary of a very important turning point in my life and it was one day I would never forget no matter how much I desired to.

I soon found myself on the stretch of sand that was across the street from Matt's house. Had it been any other day and I would have stopped by to see him. Today I prayed that he didn’t see me if he was home. It wasn't that I didn’t want to see Matt because by all means I did. The fact of the matter was that today was supposed to be a personal day for me. It was a day I needed to try and spend by myself.

I turned my gaze away from Matt's house and turned around to head back to my car. My head was clear enough and I felt ready to continue on my excursion.

I passed a few men running on the way back and couldn’t help but tense as they passed. A sigh of relief was passed through my mouth as they were finally past me and I was yet again, one of the only people on the beach. I loved this end of Huntington because not many people came down here. The tourists and other visitors usually stayed toward the pier and Main Street where the shops were located. If you were a local then you tended to avoid that area if possible. I always preferred the quiet parts of the beach as opposed to the busy one. There were less men and people to deal with down here.

I reached my car once more and finally felt ready to face the task ahead of me today. That was the whole point of going for a walk on the beach; it calmed me down and let me think rationally about the day.

My next stop was also a relaxing place for me. It was essentially my second home. As I pulled my car up in front of Ruth's I looked through the window to make sure no one I knew was in there with the exception of Ruth of course.

It had been awhile since I had seen her so today was the perfect day to stop by and say hello. Grabbing some lunch was also on the plan too.

I snagged my small purse and locked my care before entering the small café and immediately being greeted with the smile that often made my day.

"Well, would you look who we have here." The elderly woman grinned as she walked me to my usual corner table. I slid into the booth and she told me she would be right back with my usual order in just a minute. My body slouched down as I sat comfortably in my mini sanctuary.

Ruth returned with my sandwich and coke. She set it down in front of me and then slid in the booth opposite me.

"So what have you been up to? You haven't stopped by to see me in ages hun. Is everything alright?"

"It's perfect Ruth. I've never been better to be honest. I'm staying with Johnny now."

"And what about Matt?"

I could tell my eyes lit up at the mention of his name and Ruth let out a chuckle with a grin.

"Matt's amazing."

"I told you dear. Are you two dating yet?" My eyes bugged out at the mention of dating and I had to hold me sandwich in my mouth and not send it spewing out all over the table.

I hadn't even thought of dating Matt. It wasn't even something I considered these days. The thought of dating anyone scared me half to death.

"Umm no. We're not. Ruth I don't know if I can do that." I said after I had swallowed my bite. My head shook from side to side.

Ruth leaned across the table and grabbed my hands in her own. "Dear, that man is smitten for you. If he asks you accept, you hear me? He's perfect for you and I'll be darned if I'm going to sit by and let you say no to the invitation to be his girlfriend. Don't let your past get in the way of your future. Especially your future with Matt Sanders."

She was right. Matt was everything I had ever dreamed of seeing in a man and I didn’t need to be afraid of him anymore. He would take care of me. We all knew he would.

"Speaking of your past, how are you holding up today?" My eyes traveled from the condensation from my coke on the table to her face that held sorrow at the mention of today.
"I'm doing alright. I'm heading there next. Sort of scared to be honest." I whispered lightly as I poked the water droplets that were in the shape of a circle.

"Oh hun. Why didn't you ask Matt to come with you today? You know he would have been more than willing to go with you."

"I know. I just don't want to burden him. I feel like I need to do this on my own." I nodded convincing myself more than Ruth. Who was I kidding? I was going to be a complete wreck, but I wasn't willing to admit that to anyone out loud. Especially Ruth or the guys.

"Not everything has to be done on your own all the time now though. You've got a group that seems to really care about you and you should embrace that as often as you can. They're a one of a kind group of people." She chuckled as she shook her head and finally released my hands from her own grasp.

"I know they are. I'd still be so lost without them."

"Not to mention you'd still be on the streets. And we both know that's no place for a young lady such as yourself. I'm glad to see you're finally getting back on your feet. New clothes, a purse, and if I'm not mistaken I noticed you pull up in a very nice car. Courtesy of Matt I'm guessing?"

I blushed at the sly grin that was on her face when she mentioned the car. I could only nod in return to confirm her pervious statement.

"It's about time you started living well hun. Don't push them away from you, especially that hunk you've got wrapped around your finger." I giggled lightly. Hearing her refer to Matt as a hunk sounded sort of odd no matter how true it was.

"Thank you Ruth." She nodded and we both stood up since I had finished eating.

"Guess what? I've actually got money to pay you back this time!" I said excitedly while I dug out my new wallet that I had gotten from Lisa.

"Hun, your money is no good here. It'll always be on the house and you know that." She told me pointedly as I followed her to the small counter.

"But Ruth." I whined. "I can finally feel like I'm doing something the normal way." She just shook her head as she walked behind the counter.

"Sorry dear. It's the new rule. Celeste's meal is always on the house. I should make a sign that says that." I just rolled my eyes and leaned over the counter to give her a quick hug.

"Thank you Ruth. You truly are an angel in my life."

"I'm not the only one anymore. Now go finish your day. If for any reason you start losing it promise me you'll call Matt. Promise me Celeste." She told me firmly as we pulled away so that the counter now fully separated us again.

"I can't promise that Ruth. I just need to do this myself. I'll be alright." I told her with a grim smile. She let out a sigh and looked at me doubtfully.

"Bye Ruth. I'll be back sooner next time." I told her as I waved goodbye. She waved back and I vaguely saw her pull out her cordless phone but thought nothing of it as I climbed into my car.

My hands were shaking as I gripped the wheel and started the ignition for the third time today.

I can do this. I have to do this.

I turned the wheel with my still shaking hands and pulled away from the curb slowly.

My mind was so out of focus that I became totally oblivious to the hazel eyes and tattooed body that climbed out of the car that had pulled up behind me and watched me drive away worriedly.

***

"Come on Celeste. Get a grip on yourself." I told myself firmly as I sat in the parking lot of my final destination of the day. The car was turned off and my body was shaking like a leaf. I have no idea how I convinced myself to go through with this again. I barely made it out last year. All things considered I think running away sobbing was a pretty good way to get away from it.

I bravely opened the door to the car and stepped out into the now foggy air. The marine layer sure knew how to appear at just the right time. The parking lot was devoid of all cars besides my own small black one and birds were still chirping in the trees overhead.

I locked my things inside of my car and shoved the keys into my jean pockets. I hooked my shaking fingers inside of my belt loops to try and keep them still but it was no use. Nothing could calm me down now.

My knees almost buckled as I took a step toward the brick archway that stood in front of me. It was as if it was taunting me.

The gravel crunched under my feet as I slowly walked up the pathway toward the entrance.
Sketched on the brick arch were the words Huntington Beach Cemetery. In all honesty this was place I never wished to come… ever.

I closed my eyes as I walked under the arch and set out bravely in search of the two gravestones that I knew lied in the older more run down part of the cemetery.

I wrapped my arms around myself as I continued to walk with my face pointed toward the gravel path that made its way through the cemetery. I eventually made it out of the nice well kept graves that were adorned with fresh flowers and into the part of the grounds where the graves were that people didn’t really care about.

Moss covered some of the headstones while others were chipped and falling apart from time itself.

Eyes still on the ground my feet finally came to a stop in the exact place they had stopped the previous year on this very same day.

I forced myself to bring my eyes up to see the two graves of those I once loved. There was nothing special about the head stones; nothing written on them besides the names of my mother and father along with the date they died.

Two years ago to the day.

I sniffed as I unwrapped my arms from around my torso and stuffed them in my pockets once more.

"Well guys, I've done it again. I've managed to have another year of my life without the two of you in it." My own voice surprised me as it spoke. The words came out in a shaky jumble but they were still audible to me. I needed to stay brave.

"To be honest it's been the best year of my life sort of. It's a shame you weren’t here to see it. I've made some friends who have taken me into their group. Adopted me as their own. They provided me with a home, food, and just friendship in general. They're my family now. Something you never were to me." The last sentence held sheer bitterness in my words. Bitterness and truth.

"I longed to have a normal family. Longed for it. And guess what mom and dad? You didn't give it to me. You never gave me anything." I spat. I could feel my demeanor changing as my words became harsher. I had a lot of pent up emotions and had never been able to say them to my parents face. I would never get that opportunity now but I suppose this was the next best thing.

"All you gave me was a fear of everything I should be enjoying! A fear of alcohol, fear of friends, fear of men, and mostly, a fear of loving someone! How could you do that to me? How could you leave me? How could you rape me? But most of all, how could you not love me? What did I ever do to you to deserve all of that? I thought I had been a good daughter to you. I didn't rebel, didn't go against you, and yet you still felt the need to practically torture me. What was wrong with you? What was wrong with me?"

By this point I had collapsed to the ground and was sobbing uncontrollably.

"I hate you. I really, really hate you and I'm glad you're dead. You can't hurt me anymore. I don't need you anymore and I never did!" I sobbed. Although the words left my mouth they weren’t really necessarily true. I missed having a family and I felt crushed. I missed having parents. No one could possibly fill the void that their death left. Sure I gained friends, but I would never gain parents again.

Tears continued to pour out of my eyes in a steady stream, ran down my face and onto my shirt. My body shook with each fresh heave of sobs and I knew I had lost it.

I heard the gravel crunch behind me, startling me at the reality that I was no longer alone here. A pair of feet came to rest in front of me and I looked up just in time to see Matt squat down so he was level with me.

As much as I wished he wasn't here to see me like this I was glad he turned up. I couldn’t do this alone anymore. I outstretched my arms and flung myself at him knocking him back onto his butt. I clung to him tightly as I continued to sob and get all of my pent up tears out.

"I hate them so much Matt. But I miss them too!"

It was comforting having him sit here with me on his lap. He was rubbing my back in circles trying to get me to calm down. I think he knew I needed this though. I needed to do this today.

"Just let it all out hun." He told me smoothly. "It's ok to miss them even though they put you through hell. They were your parents and parents can’t be replaced no matter how much we want them to at times."

I sniffled as I continued to just let the tears fall at their own will. I couldn’t even control it now. "How did you know I was here?" I asked amidst a small break from the tears.

"Ruth called me. She was worried about you and asked me to come check on you. She didn't explain much to me though. Just told me where I could find you."

"They died two years ago today Matt. Two years I've been on my own. It feels like only yesterday though. I'm so relieved yet I feel nothing but anguish at the same time. I'm glad they're not still in my life or I'd probably still be stuck being tortured by them daily. I suppose you could say I've been through a lot over the past two years."

A small whimper escaped my body as I shook continually in his arms. "Why couldn't I have a normal life Matt? Why didn’t I get a family that loved me?"

"I honestly couldn’t tell you hun, God moves in mysterious ways though. I know it sounds selfish but I thank God everyday for you being homeless because I think if you weren't, I never would have met you. I can't imagine my life without you in it."

His words struck a nerve of sorts seeing as they were true for me as well. I couldn’t imagine my life without Matt. He truly was what turned my life around. I didn’t need my parents when I had him and the rest of the group. Matt was really the only one I felt like I needed to continue on.

"Psh. You'd be just fine without me. I on the other hand, would be lost without you." I chuckled lightly as the salty tears ceased for the moment.

"We fit pretty well together then. You know that?"

I nodded into his chest as I let out a shaky breath. His arms were still tightly wrapped around me as if he were afraid to let me go.

"I'll never let you go Cels."

I was finally beginning to calm down as he continued to whisper soothing words into my ear. I don’t know how he did it, but he always managed to calm me down during my meltdowns. It was like it was built in him to help me become calm.

"Are you ready to go home?" He whispered. "I think you could use some rest."

"Yeah I think I'm ready. Can you just, give me a few minutes alone? I'll meet you back at the cars. I promise."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" He sounded hesitant about leaving me but I really just needed a few minutes alone to say goodbye. And good riddance.

"I'll be fine Matt."

We both stood up and he finally released me from his arms slowly.

"Are you sure?" He asked yet again in a firmer tone than before.

"Go Matt. I'll be right there." I told him as I wiped the tears from under my eyes.

He nodded and turned away hesitantly before the gravel started crunching again. Once he was out of earshot of me I turned back to the lone graves that weren't aware of the exchange that had just happened.

"He's right you know. If you both hadn't of died then I wouldn’t have met him. I have him now and I don’t need to mourn over you two. You never did anything for me in the time when I needed you the most. Matt, on the other hand, has done everything that a family should. He's my family now. Not you. I don't think I'll ever forgive you for what you both did to me. You don't deserve my forgiveness so you'll never get it. Not as long as I live."

My arms resumed their position around my waist as I shivered and started to let a few tears slide down my cheeks again.

"I suppose this is goodbye. I don't imagine I'll be coming back to see you both ever. I don't think you deserve the joy of being missed."

I gulped tightly and it felt like I was trying to swallow a rock.

"Goodbye mom and dad. And good riddance."

I heaved a sob as I turned away from the graves and lowered my head. It felt wrong to be so negative toward the people that were my parents but I truly believed they deserved it.

For all the hell they put me through they deserved everything that came to them.

I was so much better off without them and I honestly had to thank them because if they weren't dead then I never would have met Matt. I probably would have still been at home being an abused nineteen year old girl. I never wanted to go back to that life. Ever.

When I reached the parking lot it was to see that there were now two cars that had joined my own. One I knew to be Matt's and the other was one of Brian's.

Matt, Brian, and Zacky were all standing outside of the three cars talking to each other in quiet voices. As I approached still wiping furiously at my eyes to get the tears to stop they all turned and smiled at me sympathetically. Without another word Brian got back into his car and Zacky climbed into mine. Matt must have brought his extra key for my car knowing I would be in no shape to drive. Zack and Brian obviously had come to pick it up for me.

Without so much as a goodbye they both drove off and I was thankful I didn’t have to say anything to them in my current state.

Matt was leaning casually against the side of his suv with his arms crossed. He saw me sniffling and instantly opened up his arms for me. I ran full speed and launched myself into his arms. A fresh wave of tears erupted from inside of me as I clung to him for dear life.

"Everything go alright?"

"Yeah. I'm good now." I nodded even though I was still crying my eyes out.

Matt helped me into the car and then went around to the driver's side. After he climbed in he reached into the back seat and brought out a box of tissues that he set in my lap.

"So why so many tears? I always thought you were happy they were gone." He stated once I had calmed down a tad bit more. We were driving now but I really wasn't paying any attention to exactly where we were going.

"I am happy. It's just hard. I mean today is the day that everything ended in a blur for me. I still remember when the police came to the door to tell me they were gone. I cried for hours, mostly of joy because I knew my suffering was at an end. But I also knew it wouldn’t be easy to live from there on out. I was left with absolutely nothing. I suppose now the emotions come from not only saying goodbye for good but for knowing that I'm doing alright now. I don't need them or their approval anymore. I'm my own person now. I'm just still scared sometimes. I've still got a ways to go. But it's a mixture of emotions. I'm happy that I've got you all and that I can now live a real life. On the other hand, I'm still torn that I've got no parents anymore."

I patted at my eyes with a tissue for the final time and was now feeling emotionally and physically drained. I had reached the point where I had no more tears inside of my body. They just simply couldn’t come out anymore.

"So you're happy that they're no longer here to abuse you but you're sad over the fact that today was the day your parents died."

I nodded my head numbly and mumbled a soft "exactly."

Matt just nodded and slowly reached his hand over to grab a hold of one of my shaking ones. We sat in silence for the remainder of the ride.

It was when we pulled into a driveway that I noticed we weren't back at Johnny's house but were rather pulling up into Matt's driveway. I looked questioningly at him as he turned the engine off and turned to face me.

"You don't really think I'm letting you spend tonight back at the house with just Johnny do you?"

"Well that's what I had planned when I left this morning." I mumbled lightly.

"You're delusional." He said as he shook his head as he opened his door. "I had Brian swing by your house and pick up some clothes for you. He left the bag on the back porch." He told me as he unlocked the front door and ushered me inside. I was still clutching the tissue box as though my life depended on it.

"Alright. Can I take a bath Matt?" I asked timidly as my knees started to buckle. Matt reached his arms out to steady me firmly. He looked into my eyes with worry very evident in his own.

"Of course. Here, take a seat and I'll go grab your bag. I don't need you collapsing on the stairs." He sat me down on the couch and left the room.

Watching his retreating form I realized just how lucky I was to have him. He and I had come a long way; me especially. Never in a million years did I see myself as enjoying the company of someone like Matt. Usually the piercings and tattoos were enough to make me go screaming and running in the other direction. He was the very image of a man I should fear yet I was feeling quite the opposite.

He disappeared around the door and I instantly found my cheeks heating up when I noticed I had been watching his butt while he walked. That was so not in my character. I really couldn't help it though. He looked irresistable wearing a pair of his tight black jeans and a tight white t-shirt.

Snap out of it Celeste. Don't be thinking about him like that.

As much as I told myself that over and over the feelings just weren’t going away.

Matt came back into the room with a small duffle bag in his hands and it took everything in me to contain my embarrassment.

"Are you alright? It seems like I'm asking you that a lot today." His laugh reddened my cheeks and all I could do was nod as I looked away from his grin and smiled to myself.

"Just thinking." I told him as he came over and scooped me up into his arms. I let out a gasp of surprise as he carried me bridal style up the stairs and into the bathroom.

"Thinking about what?" He asked into my ear softly as he sat me down on the closed toilet seat.

"Just stuff."

"You're not going to tell me are you?" There was definitely some curiosity in his voice as he turned the water in the bathtub on and poured something liquid into it. Within a few seconds bubbles started to form and I instantly knew what he had put in, bubble bath.

"I don't plan on it." I told him sneakily.

"Well then, maybe a bubble bath will change your mind." He said as he quirked an eyebrow at me.

"Maybe it will. But I doubt it."

I took some toilet paper off of the roll and blew my now stuffy nose.

"Alright. Well take your bath then yell for me and I'll come get you. No stairs for you tonight."

"Matt." I trailed off but he was already out the door. I was just about to go close it but he poked his head back in and had a funny grin on his face.

"Um one more thing. You can get yourself in the tub right?"

"Matt. I'm not incapable of moving myself thanks." I told him while blushing.

"Just checking." He said as he too blushed. He returned out the door and this time closed the door behind him.

I slipped into the bath slowly and was instantly comforted by the hot soothing water and bubbles that tickled against my skin.

I honestly have no idea how long I sat in the tub because I really lost track of time since it felt so good. My mind wasn't fully with me and I just for once felt like nothing mattered.

My body was so physically exhausted from today. I got so worked up when I shouldn’t have. Ruth had been right. I should have asked Matt to go with me in the first place. I knew he would have obliged happily and would have loved to go with me on this life changing day. He was here for me now and I knew he wasn't planning on ever leaving.

As I stepped out of the bathtub I noticed I was rather pruny. A rap at the door startled me as I was wrapping up in the towel. My feet got tangled in the black bath rug and I ended up on my butt on the floor with a very loud thump sound.

"Celeste? Are you ok?" Matt called frantically through the door.

I whimpered as fresh tears sprung to my eyes from the hard impact. Thankfully I was still wrapped up in my towel because the next thing I knew the door was being flung open and Matt stood there with a large hand over his eyes.

"Cels?"

"I'm fine." I sniffed. "I just fell. You startled me."

"Ah fuck. I'm so sorry. Are you dressed?"

"No. I'm in a towel. Can I…can I get dressed then I'll come out please?" I asked in a scared voice. I was trying really hard to keep my breathing under control since I was technically naked and Matt was standing just a few feet away from me.

Clearly we weren't quite to that fear in my life yet.

He nodded and turned on his heel. I noticed the back of his neck was extremely red meaning he was rather embarrassed by the situation as well.

I forced myself to my feet and went to see what pajamas Brian had packed for me. I silently said a prayer of thanks when I saw that my bright blue girl boxers were in there along with a black tank top. Those were my usually pajamas and I was used to lounging in them around Johnny.

I finished drying myself before sliding my clothes on and giving my rear end a nice rub. It was really sore from the slip and sort of hurt to walk.

I groaned when I realized I would probably have a nice bruised tail bone in the morning when I woke up.

"Matt." I called softly but noticed he was standing right outside the door with a soft smile in place.

He too had changed into some pajamas which consisted of some black boxers and a white tank top that hugged his chest tightly.

I waddled out into the hallway and let out a yawn as I stood in front of him and continued to rub my butt.

"You aren't hurt are you?" He questioned.

"My butt hurts. But I'm alright."

"Ok. Let me show you your room." He told me as he took my bag from me and led me down the hallway. He opened a door to what I knew was a guest bedroom and led the way inside.

It was very similar to one of the rooms in Johnny's house. A king size bed was in the middle of the room and it was covered in black bedding. Bright blue accents were sporadically placed around the room along with pictures of various people that I presumed to be people Matt knew.

I let out another yawn which earned a chuckle from Matt. "You should get some sleep. You've had a busy and emotional day."

I couldn’t help but only nod and I felt like that was the millionth time I had done that gesture today.

My feet carried me to the bed where I pulled back the covers and climbed in between the cold sheets. My body shivered from not only the temperature but also from exhaustion as I laid there staring at Matt.

"My room is across the hall if you need anything." He told me as he headed for the door.

Something felt off in that small moment in time. Like I was missing something. My mind was racing with sentences and I knew exactly what was missing, I just didn’t know if I really wanted to ask for it.

I needed comfort. And only Matt could bring that comfort tonight.

"Matt wait." I called as he started to close the door. He paused with his hand on the door knob and turned to face me.

"Can you, maybe, stay with me tonight? Please?"

Shock came across his face as he took in my request. I gulped lightly praying that he would say yes. I really needed him with me tonight.

"Are you sure Celeste? I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything."

"Please Matt. I need you with me tonight."

He pushed the door closed and nodded before stripping his shirt off and walking toward me.

I shivered again as he pulled the sheets back and climbed into the bed beside me.

We both laid there awkwardly for a moment. The last time I had been in bed with another man was one of the times I was raped. There were still some creepy feelings hanging in the air surrounding that memory.

Deciding that I needed to get over it at some point I scooted closer to Matt and allowed him to wrap his arms around me and pull me into his chest. I breathed a sigh of relief when I remembered that this was Matt I was with. Not some rapist father of mine.

This was Matt I was laying with.

Matt who was covered in tattoos and piercings.

Matt who was big enough to hurt any human being but could never, even if he tried.

This was Matt.

My Matt.