My Fears Burn While You're Around

"Bella would you slow down?" I grunted as the large dog continued to pull me down the beach by her leash. I stumbled after the over hyper dog as she continued to run to her favorite spot. Inside I was cursing Matt for calling and asking me to take her out simply because he forgot before he left for a meeting this morning. I was thinking that was a load of crap to be honest. I should have lied to Matt and told him I didn’t have a key to his house but he obviously knew better since he had given me one a week ago.

One week.

That's how long it's been since I had spent the night at Matt's house. That's also how long it's been since I started trying to avoid him. Matt's words had really rattled my thoughts and I was having a hard time digesting what he had said.

"Maybe you should stop thinking and just go with what your heart tells you."

The problem with that suggestion was that I didn’t want to listen to my heart because I was truly scared of where it would lead me. I felt my phone start to buzz in my pocket but couldn’t get to it in time since Bella was still dragging me mercilessly.

"Bella sit!" I screamed out making the dog stop in her tracks and turn to look at me. I stumbled over myself and regained my balance. "Sit!" I ordered her once again. She tilted her head at me before obeying me and took a seat on her haunches. Thank goodness for Matt having her well trained. I slung the loop of the leash over my wrist and fished my still buzzing phone out of my pocket. The small caller id screen read Val so o pushed talk and held the phone up to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Where the hell are you?" She asked frantically.

"At the beach with Bella. What's wrong?"

"What's wrong is that you're not at home getting ready!" She exclaimed with a sigh of frustration.

"I'm sorry?" I stated as a question. "I wasn't aware I was going somewhere."

"Well you are now damn it! Now finish with Bella and get your butt home." She told me firmly.

"Why?"

"Because I have work to do! Now get back here!" She told me before she hung up.

I looked down at Bella after shoving my phone back into my pocket. She wasn't going to be happy with me. "Bella babe. We've gotta go back home." She tilted her head at me for the second time today. I tugged on her leash and turned her around so we could head back to Matt's house. She jogged happily and didn’t seem to mind that our adventure was so short lived. When we reached Matt's house once more I unlocked the front door before I unhooked her leash and let her trot happily back inside. I looked around quickly to make sure everything looked alright for when Matt got home. I'd feel terrible if Bella got into anything and he came home to a mess to clean up.

Once I felt everything was good I wrote a small note for Matt saying that I took Bella out and stuck it to his refrigerator knowing that would be the first place he would head to once he got home.

I locked up after myself and walked to where my car was parked.

"Val?" I called once I got home and walked inside. She practically came running with clothes on hangers in her hand.

"Thank goodness you're here! Come on! We have to get you ready!" She told me as she latched onto my arm and pulled me up the stairs and into my room.

"Val what's going on?" I questioned as she pushed me onto the bed and started pulling more clothes out of my closet.

"We… are going to a show tonight." She told me as she made a triumphant squeal and turned to face me with a grin the size of the Cheshire cat.

I stared at her as if she had grown three heads. "A show?" I questioned curiously. "What kind of show?"

It was now Val's turn to look at me as if I were the one who had sprouted the extra body parts. "A concert." She trailed off. "One of the guys' shows. They are playing at a local club in Anaheim just for fun." She blinked a few times before a frown came across her soft features. "Didn't Matt tell you?"

I furrowed my eyebrows and shook my head in a negative manner. "He must have forgot." I mumbled now extremely confused as to why Matt didn't tell me they were playing a show.

Val's expression turned dark as she set the clothes on the bed and fished her cell phone out of her front jean pocket. She pressed a few buttons before placing the small electronic device to her ear. her size seven foot was impatiently tapping away on the carpet as she waited for an answer on the other end. When she didn't get one she slammed her phone shut and let off a string of colorful words to describe how she felt toward Matt at the moment.

"Oh screw it. It'll just be a surprise then." She stated before going back to my small wardrobe.

My mind continued to race and question why Matt didn't tell me about the show. I suppose it might have been because I was trying to avoid him and was constantly finding excuses to stay away from him and the guys when I could. Johnny hadn't said anything either and that sort of surprised me.

Val turned to me with a triumphant smile and held up a jean skirt and a white halter top, both of which hadn't been worn yet for obvious reasons. They were a bit on the showy side and I liked to keep covered up. I gave her a weak smile knowing that I would walk out of the house wearing that despite how much I didn't want to. Maybe I could try and talk her out of taking me to the show.

"Val, I'm not really sure I want to go. I mean, last time didn't end well and I really just don't think a show is the place for me to be." I tried as I folded my hands and stared at my lap.

"Oh nonsense. That was one fluke time. You'll be under better eyes this time because I'm not letting you leave my side." She informed me as she held out the articles of clothing and motioned to the bathroom with her head. "Now go change. We don't have all day." I looked up at her and could see the persistent look in her eyes. There was no escaping this one. There was never an escape when Val had something up her sleeve.

I begrudgingly took the clothes and changed into them quickly in the bathroom. Val didn't even knock several minutes later before she barged into the bathroom and announced that I had taken long enough. She sat me on the toilet seat and fixed my hair up for me before moving to makeup. I knew better than to argue with her on this. I allowed her to put eyeliner and a tad bit of mascara on but that was it. She insisted I needed to look nice for the show even though we would be on the side of the stage. I didn't understand the reasoning behind it but it would make her happy so I let her have at it.

Once she was finished she practically drug me out of the house and to her waiting car.

"We're going to be late." She mumbled as she drove east, in the direction of the setting sun. I sat quietly in the passenger seat really not pleased with having been forced to leave the comforts of the house to see a man that I was very confused about at the present time. Somehow, I think Val was oblivious to how I was feeling. Either that or she was choosing to act like she had no idea what was going on.

As if she could read my thoughts she turned to me and smiled. "Excited to see Matt?"

"Not really." I mumbled under my breath hesitantly.

"Why not?" She asked curiously with a hint of protectiveness in it. "Did he do something to you? Do I need to kick his butt?"

I chuckled lightly not being surprised at all by her questions.

"No. I'm just kind of confused lately is all." And scared. I added in thought.

"Understandable. I heard about your night last week. Matt was worried he had done something wrong afterwards and he came to talk to me about it. He's been worried about you, you know? He's scared you aren't into him anymore."

"Who says I was into him to begin with?" I asked softly now feeling ashamed that Matt was worried about me yet again. I swear I was always feeling like such a burden around these guys.

"No one has to. We all just know you are." She smirked gently. "It's understandable that you're scared Celeste. But you can't blow him off altogether. You need him and he needs you which is why you're going to the show tonight."

My mind mulled over her words as we pulled up into a valet parking section of the venue that I had been at once before. That once before didn't hold good memories and I only hoped that tonight would be better.

Val and I climbed out of her infamous red convertible and she handed the keys to the valet whom she knew by name. I guess they were part of the typical crowd at this place seeing as the guys played here a lot. I'd even be willing to bet that this was where they came to see shows when they were growing up too.

Val linked her arm in mine as we strolled to the back entrance. "Hey Nick." She waved at the bouncer who was standing at the back door. He was a different guy than was here last time so again, it showed they were regulars here since Val knew everyone by name.

"How are ya Val? Who's your friend?" He gestured to me with his broad arms which were hidden under a tight fitting black t-shirt.

"Doing good. This is Celeste. She's with Matt." She smirked as Nick's eyes widened.

"Ahhh you might have your work cut out for you then. He's a bit gone tonight. Something told me he and the guys went a bit overboard before taking the stage."

I froze in place at his words and Val was looking slightly put off at what he had just informed us of.

"Are you serious?" She asked incredulously. "Damn it." She cursed under her breath as she shook her head.

"Do you want to go home?" She asked me carefully. I really appreciated her at least asking me that since she knew my comfort level had just dropped dramatically. I weighed my choices at this point. On the one hand, going home meant I could avoid Matt some more and wouldn’t have to see him in this mess. But on the other hand, I had seen Matt drunk before and it wasn't that bad. He might even need help tonight and I could be there to support him. Not to mention I secretly wanted to see them play since it would only be my second time doing so.

I gulped down my fear and looked at my friend to see she was genuinely concerned. "Let's stay. I need to get over this fear. But if things get out of hand please promise me you'll take me home." She nodded and gave me a hug.

"I promise." She whispered in my ear. We pulled away and were still linked at the elbow. She turned to Nick and nodded her head. "I guess we'll be staying to keep an eye on those idiots." She told him as she gave him a sad smile.

"Alright." Nick chuckled before he held the door open for us. Val and I stepped inside to the roar of the guys onstage. Johnny's bass was pumping through the venue with so much force that it was making the walls vibrate. I didn't recognize what song they were playing but I pegged it to be one of their older ones because Matt was screaming; something I hadn't heard him do before.

We followed the noise down a hallway and we soon found ourselves on the side stage. I stared at the floor afraid to look out at the guys on stage for fear of what I would see.

"I'm drunk as fuck." Matt laughed into the mic as he took a drink out of the water bottle that sat on the edge of Jimmy's drum kit. My eyes snapped up to look at him and I saw he indeed was telling the truth. His eyes were sort of glazed over but his posture was still fine. He wasn't stumbling around and his speech wasn't slurred but you could still tell he and the guys had all knocked back a few drinks before the show started.

Val and I remained hidden in the shadows on the side of the stage as the guys launched into another song. Part way through however our cover was blown by Brian's gaze meeting mine. He smiled at me softly and I could tell he sensed my discomfort as I shifted my weight between my feet a lot. I was still clinging to Val's arm as if my life depended on it. In actuality it was really my sanity that depended on it.

I removed my gaze from Brian as he went to stand beside Zacky and whispered something in his ear that made him grin. His eyes glanced over in our direction and Val scowled at them in return. Zacky removed his fingers from his guitar and wiggled them in our direction. I shivered as chills traveled down my spine at their drunken antics that really were harmless. They just made me nervous.

"You know, there's a lot of gorgeous girls in the crowd tonight. Right guys?" Matt motioned to the ladies in the crowd as they screamed back at him. I gulped and could feel my breath start to turn shaky. "Kind of makes me horny." He continued on making Val scowl. I knew it was the alcohol talking but there was always some truth behind the drunken comments. "It's been a fucking long ass time since I've last been laid."

I cringed at the language and subject and could feel the tears start to prick at my eyes. I was really hoping Matt wouldn’t say what I thought he was going to. I didn’t think I could bear to hear him saying he wanted to get laid because that would just place the fear right back in me.

"But that's alright." He chuckled as he winked to the crowd drunkenly. "I've got a girl who's worth waiting for." He mumbled into the mic making my heart stop. Val and I exchanged glances before we both turned to look at Matt who was still unaware of our presence.

"He's a pansy." Jimmy said into his mic making Zacky and Brian both turn to glare at him. "Oh come on. You both know it too. Shads needs a good fuck."

"Nah man." Matt laughed. "I'm good. Really." He insisted as Jimmy just shrugged and started the intro for another song.

I let out a sigh of relief at the stop of the band banter because I really didn't want to hear any more of it.

I was beginning to think it would be alright to be here for the concert until the song ended and Matt brought out a beer that he quickly chugged down. I glanced at Zacky who was drinking out of a bottle of Jack and shuddered.

"I'm so fucking wasted." Matt grumbled into the mic as he let out a laugh. "Now that I think about it, a good fuck might not be that bad. Either a good fuck or some more alcohol."

This was a side of Matt I didn’t want to see.

"Alright guys. This is our last song. Then I'm off to do who knows what." He grumbled. "Probably get laid or something."

"Val." I whispered as her arms wrapped around me in a side hug.

"He's joking hun. He won't do that because we're here." She told me soothingly.

"But that's just it Val! What if we weren't here? What would he do?" I questioned through my tears softly. I knew I should have stayed home. This was becoming a recurring theme for me. I needed to just stay home from now on.

"He wouldn’t do anything hun. Trust me on that. Matt's been drunk plenty of times when we were dating and he never cheated on me. You're safe."

"I'm not dating him though Val. He's free to be with whoever he wants." I sniffled softly just wanting to go home and get away from the drinking fest.

"Well you might as well be dating the guy." She told me pointedly. "You two sure act like a couple."

"We're not." I whispered as I looked out at Matt again. I focused on his eyes as he scanned the crowd. He grinned and then turned sideways so he was now facing the spot where Val and I stood. I watched as my eyes locked with his own and his grin increased in size while Zacky and Brian continued their guitar solos. I reached up and wiped a tear away. Matt's facial expression changed and instead of smiling it turned into a frown when he saw that I was crying lightly. His eyes softened and he swallowed tightly as he watched my fragile form continue to dispel tears.

Johnny nudged Matt breaking our trance when it was Matt's turn to finish off the vocals on the song. He shook his head to clear it but kept glancing back in our direction with a worried look on his face.

"Val can we leave please?" I gulped nervously.

"Sure hun. Do you mind if we stick around the venue to see the guys after though? I think you'll feel better when you see that Matt has no intentions of bringing a groupie back."

I sighed having thought we could leave and go home but maybe Val had a point. Maybe if we stuck around I would get used to Matt having a few drinks in his system. "If things get out of hand then we'll go back home." She told me as if she had read my thoughts. I just nodded and allowed myself to be steered off of the side stage and down a hallway to where the back room was.

Val pushed the door open and I instantly headed for the couch that was sitting against one of the walls. I slumped down on the sofa in a heap and curled up into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest tightly.

I watched as Val's tiny frame went over to a refrigerator and opened it before she pulled out tow water bottles and handed one to me with a grin. "Have some water. I think it'll make you calm down a bit." I reached out and took the condensation covered bottle from her hands. I twisted open the top and took a drink. The feeling of the cold water cascading down my throat was indeed soothing to me and I let out a big breath after I had swallowed it.

Val took a seat in one of the chairs opposite the couch. She crossed her legs underneath her and looked at me with a facial expression that clearly read she was sorry. We sat in a comfortable silence until we heard the rumble of music stop and heard the guys say goodnight to the crowd. I hugged my knees closer to my body if that was even possible and prayed that the night wouldn't get any worse.

Val's Pov

That bastard. I thought to myself as I watched Celeste curl into a ball on the sofa. I literally couldn't believe him!

I took a drink of my water in an effort to calm myself down but it was doing no good whatsoever. I wanted to strangle Matt with my bare hands and planned on doing so if tonight didn't get any better. I didn't bring Celeste here for him to be a total douchebag and get drunk of his ass.

Just as I was contemplating ways to make my ex-boyfriend miserable and incapacitate him for a good amount of time, the door swung open. One by one the guys walked in. Well, walked was an understatement, it was more like stumbled in one by one.

Brian came first, howling in laughter at something that Jimmy had said behind him. The two men grabbed a hold of eachother and stumbled onto the floor beside my chair in a snickering heap. I gave Brian a swift kick with my foot and he earned a scowl for good measure. He just groaned and complained about the gesture. Johnny and Zacky followed the two baboons currently by my feet except they say across the room. Zacky looked somewhat coherent and he actually managed to give me a smile. Johnny on the other hand was grinning like a little kid as he twirled a black lacy bra around his finger.

Celeste watched each of the men with a slight tinge of fear in her eyes. Her nose scrunched up as she eyed the bra Johnny was currently playing with and I'm sure she was thinking the same thing I was, I didn’t want to know where that bra had been.

I turned my attention away from Zacky and Johnny and to the door where the last member of the band was now coming through with an extremely sullen look on his face. Matt's hands were shoved deep into his pockets and apparently there was something he was finding interesting about the floor because that's the only place he would look. A sweaty towel was hanging over his shoulders which were slumped down.

I gave Jimmy a swift kick with my foot this time and it caused him to make a loud squeak before he narrowed his eyes at me and moved away. The noise had done what I wanted it to though, it had gotten Matt's attention.

His eyes moved from the floor to the young girl that was sitting opposite me. Celeste had been watching Matt and had her legs hugged tightly to her chest again. Her blue eyes were locked with the man of muscle that was now rooted to his spot unsure of what to do. He looked ashamed of himself to be honest.

Celeste's scared demeanor seemed to disappear once Matt walked in. Whatever fear she was harboring almost wasn't apparent anymore. She slowly lifted her hand and patted the spot beside her. I blinked several times, taken back by her braveness. She was well aware that Matt was drunk and yet she still wanted him to sit by her. I saw her gulp sort of nervously and her gaze shifted to me. I gave her a reassuring smile and watched as Matt crossed over and sat beside her.

She let out a shaky breath before she laid down on her side and stretched her legs out on the couch. Her head came to rest on Matt's thigh along with one of her hands.

Matt's gaze shifted down to the girl that was lying in his lap and he smiled at her. One of his hands came up and began to run through her hair absentmindedly. Celeste gave me a smile and I noticed she was relaxing. I moved my gaze up to Matt who had been watching my reactions as the scene unfolded.

Matt's Pov

Damn it! I totally blew tonight. Big time. I'm surprised Celeste even is allowing me to be near her at the moment.

I swear my heart nearly shattered when I saw her standing on the side of the stage. All that shit I said really could have gotten me in trouble, not only with her but with Val as well. And it was all in good fun. I never brought girls back to fuck. Celeste was too special to me for me to fuck up like that.

I was surprised she even came though. I purposely hadn't told her about the show because I know she's been ignoring me lately. I figured she needed a break, time to figure her feelings out. I didn't blame her though. I myself was pretty confused too. I mean I know how I feel about the girl but I can see where she's coming from. She's made a lot of progress though and I'm so damn proud of her for that.

I felt like the world's biggest jerk for what I did tonight. I can't believe I said all that shit on stage while Celeste was standing right there. I bet Val was ready to slap me one and I honestly couldn’t blame her. I'm sure I would get it later from her but right now I think she was being quiet for Celeste's sake.

I looked down at Cels and couldn’t help but smile as how relaxed she seemed. As soon as I entered the room I was surprised to see her even there. I was under the impression she and Val had left when I didn't see them on the side of the stage anymore. You can imagine my shock when I walked in and saw her sitting on the couch all curled up in a ball.

She tended to do that often, curl into a ball. I think it was her way of protecting herself. She would do it when she was uncomfortable in a situation or scared. Eventually she would let go of herself and would uncurl as she became more comfortable. It was almost as if she were opening herself up to the world, and me.

I ran my shaking hand through her hair and allowed my other one to rub her back. I can't believe I've done this again.

Celeste's Pov

I gulped as Matt's hand began to rub my back. My eyes were still trained on Jimmy and Brian who were drunkenly horsing around at Val's feet. She kept on kicking them and it would make me smile slightly. They weren't too bad when they were drunk. They were more on the silly stupid side rather than what I thought would be a rough drunkenness.

"I don't feel too good." Matt mumbled above me. I sat up and allowed him to stand before he moved quickly out the door and toward where I assumed a bathroom would be. I followed his form with my eyes, worry evident in them. I looked at Val quickly and saw she was motioning to the door with her hand. The other guys all seemed oblivious to the fact that their singer had just disappeared to go blow chunks in the bathroom. I pointed at my chest and Val nodded to signal that she was indeed motioning for me to go check on him.

I bit my lip nervously and stood up. As I exited the door I heard Zacky make an 'aw' sound before saying something to the effect of "She's going to check on her boyfriend."

My eyes scanned the hallway for some clue as to which way led to the bathrooms. Realizing that there were no clues I hung a right and followed the hallway. It had to be down here somewhere because when we came to the room to begin with we had come from the left and as far as I knew we hadn't passed any bathrooms.

I was quickly awarded with a door on the right side of the hallway that had the picture indicating that it was the guys restroom. I furrowed my eyebrows not quite sure what to do because I really didn't want to go barging into the men's bathroom. I was afraid of what I might come across. I raised a hand to knock on the door but it swung open before I could rap on the hard wood. I blinked a few times as I came face to face with Nick.

"Hi." I said awkwardly.

"Hey there. Let me guess." He stated with a small grin. "Checking on Matt?" I narrowed my lips as I nodded sheepishly.

"Yeah. Is he in there?" My question was answered by the unpleasant sound of stomach bile hitting the confines of a porcelain toilet.

Nick simply nodded and motioned for me to go inside. "He's by himself and he could use some help."

I thanked him before pushing the door open and glancing around quickly to make sure that the bathroom was indeed empty. It was so empty that I didn’t even see Matt. I stepped further into the bathroom to see that Matt was sitting on the ground inside of a stall with his head hanging above a toilet.

"Fuck." He mumbled to himself lightly as he rubbed the back of his head. My feet padded on the slick floor softly as I approached the down ridden man in front of me.

"Hey." I said softly causing him to look around at me. His hazel eyes were so bloodshot and his complexion was extremely pale. Now I knew for a fact that Matt could handle his alcohol well, so for him to be this bent out of shape, he had to have drank way too much. It just hadn't shown earlier when I first saw him.

"Hi." He mumbled as a fresh wave of sickness hit him and he threw his head back into the toilet bowl. I wrinkled my nose and bravely sat down behind him. I brought my hands up onto his back and began rubbing circles on them in what I hoped was a soothing way. I really wasn't too good at this sort of thing.

"Oh Matt." I sighed as he grabbed a hold of the water bottle that was resting beside him and took a swig. He swished it around in his mouth before spitting it into the toilet and flushing it.

"I'm so sorry Celeste." He grumbled under his breath.

"Matt, I wish you'd stop saying that." He turned his body so he was facing me.

"But I mean it. I keep fucking things up and I'm just really sorry. You don't deserve to deal with this shit I keep pulling."

"It's alright Matt. In all honestly I'm getting used to it."

"But that's the problem!" He groaned. "You shouldn’t have to get used to it! I've tried so hard to make it so you didn't have to. I don't want you to be a part of my lifestyle." I frowned at his last sentence and his eyes got wide. He didn’t want me to be a part of his lifestyle? That was pretty much as good as saying he didn't want me in his life.

"Don't give me that look. I didn't mean it that way." He said in a hurry. "What I meant was that I don't want you to be a part of the drinking and the partying. It doesn’t suit you and after all you've been through in your life you don't need to add that too."

"But Matt that's who you are. I don't need you to change for me. I can adjust. At first I didn’t think I could but then I realized that maybe, with your help, I could do it. You made me think otherwise."

Matt just took a hold of my hand and gently rubbed the top of it with his thumb. "I think I'm finally starting to over come some of my fears Matt and it's all thanks to you. I didn't freak out when I saw you were drunk. That's saying a lot. I will admit that I freaked when you started talking about bring a groupie back but I didn't freak about the alcohol." I said suddenly feeling rather proud of myself. This was a step in the right direction for me.

I now felt confident that Matt wouldn’t hurt me while he was drunk. I could be around him now when he had been drinking and now flip out about it.

A smile started to cross my face as well as Matt's. Matt lifted his arms, which were shaking, and embraced me in a hug.

"We're both pretty messed up huh?" He chuckled as he hugged me tight.

"Yeah. We are." I agreed.

"But that just makes us all the more perfect for eachother."

"If you say so."

"I say so. I also say we go home, how does that sound? I could use a bath and some advil." I quirked an eyebrow at the mention of a bath. Matt? Taking a bath?

"You want to take a bath?" I questioned with some amazement in my tone.

"Yes." He pouted. "I don't feel good."

"Well that's rather obvious. Did you drive here?"

"Yeah. You can drive my car back."

"Alright. Let me call Val once we get to the car."

"She won't be happy to be left with the rest of them." He said in reference to the other drunk guys. I felt slightly bad for leaving Val to deal with them all but I knew she would manage. She had in the past and this time wouldn't be too different.

"She will deal." I told him as I led the way back through the halls and to the same door we had entered through.

"Leaving so soon Sanders?" Nick chortled as he watched me help Matt out the door.

"Shut the fuck up Nick."

"Hey, I'm just saying. You usually stick around. Clearly you went a bit overboard tonight." Nick shook his head in a teasing manner earning a laugh from both himself and Matt.

"Yeah. You could say that. Later man."

"Later dude. Take care of him Celeste."

"I will Nick. Goodnight." I said to the bouncer as I took Matt's keys from him and unlocked his passenger door. Matt climbed in by himself and allowed me to talk to the driver's side.

When I climbed in Matt immediately reached for my hand that wasn't currently gripping my cell phone. His head was leaning back against the head rest and his eyes were closed.

I quickly dialed Val and explained what had gone on and she assured me she would take care of the rest of the guys. I hung up with her and started the car.

Matt squeezed my hand as I pulled out of the lot to the club and started down the road toward home.

"Stay with me tonight?" He grumbled with his eyes still closed. I looked over at him as we came to a red light and couldn’t help but smile. Matt would need me tonight. He would need me. Not the other way around for once. I suddenly found myself rather anxious to return the favor. He had done so much for me and this was the least I could do to start to repay him.

"Of course I'll stay."

Matt's breathing started to get heavy and it was letting me know he was starting to fall asleep.

"I think I love you Celeste." He mumbled as his head rolled to the side so it was resting against the window; his eyes still firmly shut.

"I think I love you too Matt." I replied softly. This time saying it was different than any other time I had ever uttered that phrase in my life because at this moment I truly felt like I meant it.