My Fears Burn While You're Around

The familiar gravel crunched under my feet for the first time in six years.

I hadn't planned on doing this but lying in bed last night with it being painfully obvious what I had to do had convinced me otherwise.

Matt had his arms wrapped securely around me as he slept soundly but my mind had been far from actually wanting to call it a day. I couldn’t stop thinking about what today was. Why hadn't this bothered me for the past several years? Up until now I had actually completely forgotten about the significance this day held. So why was it back to haunting me? For the past few years today was just another day in my crazy life but for some reason, this year it stood out more then it should have.

I couldn't sleep at all last night and Matt had evidently noticed. Even to this day he could tell exactly how I was feeling and it had been him who woke up at midnight and suggested I come today after several hours of me tossing and turning. He thought it would be good for me to get it off of my mind and I couldn’t say I disagreed.

All morning I wanted to back out of it. I was having mixed feelings about going back and was seriously beginning to doubt whether I could do this or not.

Only when Matt threw me in the car and forced me out did I know I had to.

I wanted to and I needed the closure once again.

With a big sigh I continued down the beaten path I knew all too well. I swore I would never come here again years ago but I had some unfinished business that I felt I needed to get off my chest.

I shoved my hands into my pocket as I finally came to a stop in front of the two headstones I swore I would never visit again.

"Well mom and dad, I'm back." I whispered softly as I gazed upon the headstones that were still covered in moss even after all these years. They didn't so much haunt me anymore but rather they made me feel sorry for them and the way their lives had ended up. "This time is different though. I'm not here to yell and scream at you like I did so many times before. I'm not here to tell you how shitty my life is anymore."

Stepping forward I brushed a piece of moss off of my mother's stone and let it fall to the floor softly. "For the first time ever, ironically, I'm here to thank you."

I chuckled to myself knowing that if anyone else beside Matt heard me they would have thought I had gone off the deep end. Here I was, thanking my dead parents, something most people would often do but never would it be expected from someone with my background.

"Thank you for screwing up my life." I said with a slightly bitter chuckle. "Thank you for the fear you instilled after beating me to a bloody pulp. Thanks for all the times you and your faggot friends raped me dad. And thanks for doing nothing about it mom. Why am I thanking you? Because without my fears, I would have never met Matt. Thanks for dying and leaving me on the street with nothing. Had you have still been alive I would probably still be miserable instead of living a life I never thought I would have."

I took my hands out of my pockets again and circled the graves, running my hands over the aged and extremely unkempt stones. "Matt's been able to undo everything you did to me. I used to wish I had a family. All those years, wishing for something I should have known would never come from you. But how could I know that? Aren't that what parents are supposed to be there for? Well guess what? I have that now. I have a family and I can raise it to be completely opposite of what you gave me."

Biting my lip I backed away from the graves after circling them several times. All of the pent up emotions I had been trying to keep inside of me last night were beginning to come flooding out.

"So Matt convinced me to come here today." I informed them as I stopped my pacing and stared at the tangible objects. "But I told him this would be the last time. Ever. I know I said that last time but this time I mean it. I won't be back after today."

I turned around and began to walk away from the gravesite. The gravel continued to crunch under my feet and I couldn’t help but realize this would be the last time I would ever come here. I didn’t have any reason to return again.

I didn’t need my parents' memories even in my life anymore. I had other people to replace them and to fill the void they left.

Without even so much as a glance back at the gravesite I made my way completely out of the cemetery and over to the parking lot which was situated on the edge of the nicer part of the site.

I had been looking down at the ground as I walked but when I heard a small high pitched giggle I looked up and was greeted with the sight that I saw just about every day.

Matt was standing on the edge of the parking lot just inside the grass. He looked stunning as ever in his jeans and black t-shirt but what made him look even more spectacular was the fact that he had one small boy standing beside him holding his hand while there was another even smaller little boy hoisted up in his strong arms.

His eyes were covered by sunglasses at the moment but I knew it wouldn’t be long before Kaleb would pull them off of his father's face and place them onto his own two year old head.

Matt was looking down at Aidan, our four year old with a grin as he answered what I assumed to be a question the young boy had answered.

As I approached where they were Matt looked up and pointed me out to Aidan who came running as fast as his little legs would let him after he let go of Matt's hand. "Mommy!" He exclaimed as he reached me and I bent down to scoop him into my arms. "Are you ok?" He asked me softly as I picked him up and continued to walk toward Matt.

"I'm fine baby." I said as I kissed his nose playfully.

He wrapped his arms around me tightly. "Good."

By the time we reached the other two members of our small family Kaleb had Matt's glasses on his face and he was playing with Matt's wedding ring which had been situated on his hand for just about five years time now.

Matt and I had waited about a year to get married once he had proposed to me on my birthday. He didn't want to rush because he said everything had to be perfect. For the full year we planned the wedding but I could tell Matt was definitely more into it then I was. He planned everything seeing as I really didn’t have many opinions on the matter. It was a small intimate wedding for which I was thankful for seeing as I had nobody to attend it from my side of the family. We just had Matt's side and our friends and their families and that was plenty for me.

A year after we got married I found out I was pregnant with Aidan and two years ago we were blessed with Kaleb as well. Those two boys have been the joy of my life. I was determined to be the mother that mine was incapable of being.

Matt was also so dedicated to the boys. He taught them so much and I was so happy to see how tightly knit our little family has become. The boys are so completely and utterly spoiled by Matt and their aunts and uncles. It's a bit much at times but I can't blame them.

"Mama!" Kaleb squealed as he struggled in Matt's arms as he tried to reach out for me. I set Aidan down and took Kaleb from Matt since he was easier for me to carry due to him still being small.

Kaleb took off Matt's glasses and placed them over my eyes instead. He giggled and them hugged me tightly.

"How did it go?" Matt asked as he grabbed a hold of Aidan's hand again and then wrapped his other arm around my waist.

I looked up at him through his glasses making him laugh and retrieving them for his own usage. "It was fine." I smiled.

"Do you feel better?" He asked as he placed a kiss on my head as we walked back toward the car.

"Yes." I said as I looked up at him again. "Much better."

Matt's dimpled grin shone as he moved his arm up to playfully ruffle Kaleb's hair, which he tried to hide from his father. "Good. Because we're taking you to the beach for the night."

Aidan looked up with an excited grin plastered across his face. His own matching dimples that would rival Matt's were far too pronounced for this to be good. "And not just any beach!" He said with a shake of his head, sending his father's same dirty blonde hair everywhere. "Santa Monica!" He exclaimed in awe making both Matt and I chuckle.

"Oh my goodness!" I said in an excited tone to play along. "Does that mean we get to ride the ferris wheel?" I asked with wide eyes too.

"Yes!" Aidan yelled as he jumped up and down with Matt still pulling the small boy along. "Daddy said we could!"

Aidan saw the car and let go of Matt's hand before he ran to it through the empty parking lot. Matt reached into his pocket and pulled out the keys to the escalade before he unlocked the doors and Aidan practically jumped up into the car as he buckled himself in. Matt made sure his seat was secure and then I went around to the other side and buckled in Kaleb.

I went to shut the door but a large hand beat me to it.

The door shut and I spun around. Hands grabbed onto my hips as I was backed up against the car.

With a small smile I looked up into the hazel eyes that have held me captive for so many years. The eyes that I once feared but slowly told me everything would be alright. The hazel eyes that both of my sons now possessed rightfully.

The eyes of the man I was madly in love with.

Matt leaned down and captured my lips in a passionate kiss for a moment's time. His tongue reached in and played with mine briefly before he pulled away and pressed his forehead against my own. "I fucking love you Mrs. Sanders."

"I love you too Mr. Sanders." I said with a playful smile.

"I asked Zack if the boys could stay over with him tonight. I figured we needed some alone time." He said as he tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear. He bent down and his lips came in contact with my ear. "I want to make love to you so badly it hurts." He said huskily.

I went to reply but was cut off by a tapping noise against the window. Matt pulled me back and we turned to see both Aidan and Kaleb with their faces pressed against the window. Aidan had his face scrunched up and Kaleb was desperately trying to copy his older brother. "Hurry up!" Aidan said, his voice muffled.

Matt laughed at his boys but pulled me in for another overly exaggerated kiss to spite our boys. I heard Aidan groan. "Daaaaaad." He whined.

I pulled back from Matt and brought my index finger up under his chin. "We will finish this later." I said.

"Damn right we will." He replied deeply making me blush.

Matt helped me into the car and I knew the butterflies I had in my stomach would continue to swirl. They always did and it was a sensation I had become used to.

I loved my life. I loved my family and I loved the fact that nothing would ever change how I felt.

Matt was my rock and my world.

"You're amazing." I said as I turned to him with a grin.

He looked at me over the top of his glasses and chuckled.

"I know." He replied with a hazel eyed wink. "Even more amazing when I make you scream it." He smirked making me blush.

With a smile I pulled out my sunglasses and placed them over my eyes. "It hurts being this amazing." He said further.

He grabbed onto my hand and I looked over at him before looking out the window with only one thought going through my mind.

Nothing hurts anymore. Not with Matt around.