My Fears Burn While You're Around

Well today was going to be interesting to say the least.

The guys were taking me driving and I couldn’t be more scared. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I would be behind the wheel for the first time or the fact that all five of them would be inside the car with me driving me nuts that scared me more.

I finished pulling on my top and took a look at myself in the small mirror in my room. I had to admit, some things were starting to improve. I was starting to get more comfortable around the guys. I was still extremely scared of them drinking but I promised myself I wouldn't make an issue out of it unless they got totally smashed around me. I was happy for the fact that I now had a few nice outfits to be able to wear. It at least made me look presentable with this crowd.

"You look good."

I instantly jumped a mile as I turned and saw Matt standing in the doorway to my room. He was leaning against the frame with his arms crossed across his chest.

"Thank you." I mumbled lightly as I blushed a tad bit.

It had been a week since my breakdown and Matt and I had, in a sense, grown closer. He had taken me out to lunch once and it had been one of the best days of my life. I was really starting to see a side of him I was rather fond of. I was beginning to see that Ruth's description of him had been rather accurate. He was like the gentle giant and he continued to prove that to me time and time again. Although we weren't dating he sure acted like it sometimes. At least, that’s what the girls told me. I was terrible with flirting and recognizing signs but they all seemed to have it down. I was convinced he was just being friendly. I wasn't entirely sure I could hold down a relationship just yet.

We still had a long ways to go on that front.

"So are you ready for the big day?" Matt asked as he came further into my room and stood beside my dresser.

"I think so. I just hope I don't kill everyone." I said as I reached for my flip flops. "Physically or from laughter." I added in an undertone which Matt still heard because he chuckled.

"You'll be fine." He reassured me as he picked up my sunglasses that he had bought for me and placed them so they were perched on top of my head.

"Well I'm glad you think so." I told him as I followed him out of my room and downstairs into the living room where the rest of the guys were waiting.

"Celeste! I bought you a present!" Jimmy exclaimed as he jumped up from the couch. He was waving something in the air that was pretty small and looked like a sticker. He ran over to me and held out a bumper sticker for me to read. It said I'm New To This…What's Your Excuse?

I gave a small chuckle and smiled in gratitude. "Thank you Jimmy! But where am I going to put that if I have no car?" His smile fell slightly and he huffed on the spot.

"I knew I was forgetting something." He mumbled.

"It's ok Rev. I'll just save it until I do have a car sometime down the road. Thank you." He handed me the sticker and then engulfed me in a hug which instantly made me tense since I wasn't expecting it to begin with.

He immediately sensed my tenseness and released me. "Ah fuck. I'm sorry Cels." He said using my new nickname that the guys had created for me.

"It's fine Jimmy." I bit the corner of my lip as the awkward silence filled the room.

"So, let's get this show on the road shall we?" Brian piped up as he pushed himself up and off of the couch with his arms. He motioned to the door and we all sort of chuckled but followed him anyway.

"So who's car are we taking?" Johnny asked skeptically.

"Mine." Matt answered without even so much as a second thought. I sort of looked from him to his giant car and was really wondering if that was alright. He sort of ignored my silent questions and opened the passenger door for me anyway. I had gotten used to the gesture by now. If anyone was most likely to do simple kind gestures I knew it was Matt. Over the past week he had just been incredibly polite. He often would just stop by and bring me a coffee or take me out to lunch, or drive me to Val's house so she and I could hang out. It was just the simple things that ended up meaning a lot to me. It was new to me and I was finding I loved it.

In actuality, all of the guys were doing small things to help me become more comfortable. Johnny I had learned was by far the sweetest guy on the planet. I was still amazed that he offered to give up a room in his house for me. He was always making sure I had everything I needed. He and I had so far spent the most time together while we were grocery shopping for food that I liked. He insisted that we get some more things and it had been a fun trip. As for Jimmy and Lisa, they were quite the characters. I honestly didn't see how Lisa could be engaged to the crazy guy but it was clear they loved each other more than anything. Jimmy was always making small jokes to make me smile and Lisa was turning out to be the sister that I never had growing up. She and I had fun with each other.

Brian and Zacky were the two I was most uncomfortable around. It seemed like they always managed to find the wrong thing to say or do around me. I know they didn't do it on purpose but it just always worked out that way. They tended to drink a lot and could become rather rowdy if things got out of hand. There had been one night where Brian had too much to drink and started yelling random things at the top of his lungs which promptly scared me. Johnny was quick to drive he and I home after that had started. It took a nice bath and some hot chocolate to calm me down after that. He had reminded me too much of my father yelling.

But overall I was finding that this was an alright group. I really hadn't had to face anymore of my major fears just yet so it was sort of nice to just be able to chill and relax. I loved having a bed to sleep in with real blankets and a roof over my head, especially since it had been raining on and off for the past week.

"Alright we're here!" Matt said as he pulled into a giant parking lot at one of the community colleges in the area. It was a Saturday and was therefore empty thankfully. It gave me plenty of space to be able to drive. I felt my hands start to shake as he opened the door and I got out of mine so we could switch places.

As I buckled into the driver's seat I suddenly became extremely self conscious and was really hoping that the guys wouldn’t make fun of me. I bet it was quite the sight to see a nineteen year old that had never been behind the wheel of a car before. I didn't want to make a fool out of myself.

For the most part, I knew how the car ran. I obviously knew which pedal was the gas and which was the break. I knew how to turn the wheel and where the turn blinkers were. It was just a matter of putting it all together now.

"Alright so first you take it out of park and put it into drive using the gear shift." Matt told me as he motioned to the automatic gear shift that was on the right side of the steering wheel. I nodded and placed my foot on the break as I switched gears.

"Good. And now you go." I furrowed my eyebrows at him. What in the world did that mean?

"And now you go? Damn Shads, aren’t you the great instructor." Zacky scoffed as he leaned up between the seats from his position in the middle. He placed each of his elbows on the seats that Matt and I were in before he started motioning with his hands. "What the retard means is, now you take your foot off of the break and touch the gas lightly as you start to go. To slow down, touch the break but don't press it hard." I nodded and did as told slowly.

The car started to move forward gently and when I neared the opposite end of the parking lot I turned the wheel to the left and hooked a u-turn before going back to the other side.

"Hell yeah! We didn't die!" Jimmy exclaimed as he threw his hands up as far as he could with the roof being above him. "I knew I had faith in you." He smiled at me through the rearview mirror.

"Thanks Jimmy."

"Alright now try parking." Matt told me.

"Can we turn some music on?" Brian whined from the back. When Matt chose to ignore him he leaned up between the seats and pressed the power button the stereo which then sent music blaring at an extremely high volume though the speakers making us all start yelling since it was so loud. Matt fumbled with the controls while I rested my head on the steering wheel and covered my ears with my hands. Jimmy was yelling something about Brian's guitar being so screechy. Johnny was flailing his arms while yelling at Matt and Zacky kept banging his head against the back of my seat.

After a minute Matt got the music turned down to the point where we couldn’t even hear it. I lifted my head up and turned so I was facing him. My face scrunched up slightly as I tried to find my words.

"What was that?" I asked referring to the song that had been a little too heavy for my liking.

"That was us. Only, it's typically not that loud." I turned my eyes back to the cement that was out in front of me and tried not to sound too negative. I mean they sounded good but they weren't really my type. It would just take some time to get used to I bet. I would have to give them a listen when it wasn't blaring into my ears at a ridiculously loud volume as well.

"Oh." I knew they were looking at me trying to figure out my reaction to them as a band but I really didn't want to judge just yet.

"She hates us." Zacky snickered from behind me.

"I don't hate you. I just can't listen really well when it's so loud." I told them as I started going again. I cranked the wheel and attempted to park in between the lines. Upon second look I realized that I failed miserably and was actually right on top of one of them instead of between them.

"Alright… imagine it this way." Brian started as he leaned up front after seeing my disgruntled expression. "The car is a penis. The penis goes between the girl's legs which are the lines." He stated as if it was simple. My eyes grew and I heard Johnny start yelling at him before smacking him in the head.

"Dude! Shut the fuck up! You're not helping!" Brian cringed as the smaller man continued to beat on him.

"I think she knows what the object of parking is Syn." Matt growled as I sat silently in my seat. I reached up and put the car in reverse before giving it another shot and this time parked between the lines.

"Awesome! See she didn't need your help Syn." Jimmy told him.

"Alright. Now let's go for a drive around." Matt told me as he rested his arm around the back of my seat.

"A drive around?" I asked skeptically.

"Yep. Let's go cruising down the PCH for a bit. Head out of the parking lot and hang a left. We'll drive down to Newport."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive." I cautiously pulled out of the lot and onto the main road after making sure there were no cars coming.

"You don't have to white knuckle it you know." Matt chuckled after seeing how tight I was gripping the steering wheel. I looked to see that my knuckles were in fact turning white from the death grip. I loosened them some but still felt better when I was hanging on tight. We approached a stop light and I stepped on the breaks.

"Good job. See it's easy!" Matt told me.

"And you haven't killed us yet!" Jimmy piped up from the back seat.

"Yet being the key word." Brian mumbled only to be attacked by Johnny yet again.

I gulped as I began to wonder why Brian was being so pessimistic with me lately. It was almost as if he just didn't trust me or something.

"Matt can you drive please?" I asked as I began to feel uncomfortable when we hit some traffic. I knew Brian probably didn't mean anything by it but it still bothered me that he said that.

"Afraid not princess. It's all you until we get to Newport." I groaned and was glad that it was only ten minutes down the road. I felt my eyes widen as I spotted a police car coming in the other direction and instantly started to panic.

"Oh no." I mumbled as I tried to drive normally.

"Just relax and drive. He's not going to know you don't have a license." Matt told me as he placed his hand on my thigh. I shivered slightly seeing as it was a touch he had never done before. It sort of worried me but I knew he was just trying to calm me down.

"Matt can you…" I trailed off as I glanced down at my leg. His eyes widened a tad bit and he blushed a bit before removing his hand.

"Oh, right. Sorry." I gave him a smile to let him know it was alright but that I really wasn't comfortable with that just yet. That touch was always what started things with my father as disgusting as that sounds. It was a touch that I grew to hate and despise. I knew in time it would be alright when I realized that it was just a gesture and didn't necessarily mean I was going to be hurt.

"Turn in here." Matt instructed as we neared a parking lot along the sand. I did as told and parked out away from the other cars. It took me a few tries but I eventually landed within a spot. I figured we were just swapping drivers but soon realized I was wrong when everyone filed out of the car. Matt took the keys from me and locked it before slipping a few quarters into the parking meter. The guys led the way down into the sand and Matt followed them beside me. Jimmy said something to Johnny which made the shorter man chase after them and soon Brian and Zacky were heading after them.

I watched as Johnny jumped on Jimmy's back but didn't manage to send him to the ground which made me laugh at his failed attempt.

"I love your laugh." Matt said as he too chuckled. "It's rare that I get to hear it you know."

"It's rare I get to hear it too." I said quietly as we continued to walk after the rambunctious group.

"But I guess it makes sense. You probably didn't have much to smile at before now. I sure hope we're working those cheek muscles of yours enough." I turned so my head was facing him and our eyes met as we both smiled.

"You are." I told him gently. He flashed me the dimples that I was now in love with and averted his eyes as if he was embarrassed. He opened his mouth and then closed it once more as if he was contemplating whether or not to say what he wanted to.

"What's wrong?" I asked in a genuine tone.

"Well I've got a question, but I don't want to sound stupid asking it." He looked over at my sheepishly out of the corner of his eye before smiling to himself.

"No question is stupid Matt. What's on your mind?"

"Well, I was wondering, don't laugh alright?" I nodded in promise and waited for him to finish. "I was wondering if it would be alright for me to hold your hand as we walked." I paused in my steps and turned so I was fully facing him. He stopped as well and pushed his hands into his pockets as he stared at the ground.

"Why are you asking now? You don't usually ask, you just do it." I was a tad confused. He had held me around the waist before without asking so why was he now asking for permission when he never had before?

"Well, I sort of realized earlier in the car that I might be pushing my limits when I don't ask. So I figured it would be the polite thing to do." I furrowed my eyebrows slightly not really seeing why he chose now to be polite but I still appreciated it.

"Well I appreciate it. And yes Matt you can hold my hand." He grinned that contagious smile again and pulled his right hand out of his pocket before reaching for mine. Before whenever he grabbed my hand he had just simply held it but this time he actually intertwined our fingers.

My heart fluttered like there were a million butterflies soaring inside of it as we began to walk again. It was the same feeling I got when I had first looked him in the eyes and it was the same feeling that still scared me half to death.

I may have been working on fighting off the fears that I had but the one fear that I never thought I would see was slowly becoming my reality.

And that fear was love.