Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match

"Oh, Gabe, gross!" My hands flew up to cover my eyes as he let his towel fall from his hips.
"What? Can't a guy get dressed?" He chuckled, though I couldn't see him.
"Can't a guy go one day without seeing someone else's ass?" I retorted before cautiously moving my hands to find he at least had boxers on now. I resumed writing my thoughts down in my composition book as he finished dressing.
"So, we have group session today." He informed me as he fell back on his mattress. "What?!"
I practically jumped from my bed. "Yeah. Mr.Way likes to surprise us with the whole therapy shit. He doesn't really make scheduled dates for us to have them because he thinks routines are too mundane."
Dammit, I hated group therapy. It was even more uncomfortable than one-on-one therapy.
"This sucks! Since when?!" He shrugged, digging an MP3 player from under his bed.
"He told us earlier, but you were still asleep, so he told me to warn you. It's gonna be after breakfast."
He glanced at an invisible watch on his wrist.
"It's about 8:00 right now." He then proceeded to unravel the headphones from around the mp3.
"I thought we weren't aloud to have corded headphones here." I was a little jealous of this because that's one of the first rules I'd been told when I first got here.
No headphones, unless they're wireless.
"Ehh, I've been here for more than three years. I'm eligible."
He mumbled nonchalantly, placing one of the buds in his ear and turning it on.
"Three years?" I raised an eyebrow skeptically.
"Yup. Well, three years in this block, two in block 10, and two years in a facility in Ohio before I came here." He admitted this as if it meant nothing, and wasn't a big deal.
"Are you effing serious?" I bugged my eyes at him, shocked.
I had barely been in here for a month and already felt like going insane, but seven years in a place like this?
"Uh, yeah..Get over here." He patted the mattress by his side.
Why? I wondered, envisioning myself going over and sitting by him only to have him bite my head off.
"Just get over here." He growled when I simply stared like an idiot.
I hesitated as long as I could before pulling myself to my feet and taking the three steps to reach his bed, he yanking me down by him.
"I won't bite. Sheesh." He shoved the other headphone in my ear, blasting a song by Breaking Benjamin.
"God, turn it down!"
I winced away from the noise that nearly busted my eardrums. "Weenie." He grunted, reluctantly turning it down to a bearable volume.
"Umm..I'm sorry about yesterday." I blurted out suddenly, catching his attention.
"Okay, what about it?" He peeked over at me through half-lidded eyes.
"I was a total asshole to you. I mean, I was an ass, but you still stood up for me. Why?"
He shrugged boredly, before changing the song and turning it down a bit more to hear me.
"If I held a grudge against someone every time they were an ass to me, I'd have kicked your ass like, the first day you came here."
"The first day? What did I do then?"
He pushed himself up to a sitting position like me, an amused smirk on his mouth.
"Don't you remember? I recall you yelling something along the lines of: What? Are you taking the fact that your mom disowns you out on me?"
I bowed my head immediately as he reminded me of this. "You were making fun of me for hurting myself...You didn't understand, but you still gave me hell about it, for your own entertainment."
He sighed as he turned the music off completely; I'm guessing the conversation was becoming juicy enough for him now.
"Okay, so maybe I deserved that, but I'm just trying to make a point." He almost seemed flustered as he wrapped the headphone cord around the mp3 player.
"Listen. You have no idea how bad I feel about the whole "emo" thing. Like, seriously. I just thought you were some little faggot who was doing it for attention. If I would have known you were raped, I never would have been such a dickhead."
I cringed at the word rape. It always brought back those memories I never wanted in the first place, but I was shocked in the least, that he was trying to apologize.
"Listen, I'm going to make it up to you somehow, if that makes anything better." He offered before standing and walking to the door. "I need to get some fresh air. Coming?"
I felt more like just laying here and falling back asleep or something along those lines, but I let it go and followed him. He was actually being halfway nice at the moment, which seemed to be rare.

"Okay, settle into your seats." Mr.Way came into the meeting room, dressed in his usual, which consisted of a black vest and white undershirt; the ever professional look, you could call it. We all found our seats that were circled around his desk, which he came over to, sitting on it and glancing at each of us.
"Today, we're doing basically anything to build trust between you all. Like we did when William came here, we're going to go around the circle, revealing why we're here." He gave an encouraging smile before pointing to the first chair, Frank. He revealed what he did to get here, then Bob. I kept a close eye on Travis, watching his reaction to each of them. It reminded me of when I was first informed about them.
After Bob was Brendon, then Ryan. I could see the exact same thoughts that went through my head were now going plaguing Travis. When it came to Gabe, he stated his simply.
"I killed my step-dad."
I already knew, but it still shocked me at how blunt he always was about saying it. It would haunt me forever, and I would feel terrible if I were in his situation. Travis bugged his eyes at this. While Gabe looked intimidating, you would never think him as a murderer.
When my turn came around, I stated it as nonchalantly as possible. That I was suicidal. Of course everyone already knew this, so it was old news.
Danny told everyone about him stabbing a man in the head. No one expected it, really. I already knew, and so did Travis, Gabe might have, but everyone seemed to keep an awkward silence.
When Mr.Way pointed to Travis, he grew nervous.
"Umm, I was transporting drugs for my brother." It was when he revealed this that I realized he'd never mentioned to me what he'd done. It seemed totally unlike Travis to be transporting drugs. I knew there was more to the story, and I would have to ask him about it later.
"Okay, now that we've cleared that up, we're going to play this again." Mr.Way found the beach ball and quickly explained to Travis and Danny what it would be used for.
He tossed it, and Brendon was the first to catch it.
"Um, I have three big brothers, and a big sister." He pitched after thinking for a moment. He threw the ball, only for Gabe to catch it. "Hmm..I dunno." He Threw it at Danny, hitting him in the face with it.
"Umm, I think Gabe is a fucking ass-face." Danny laughed before throwing it. Ryan caught it.
"Uhh, I hate Sushi." He said this as he wrinkled his nose to add emphasis to his strong disliking of eating raw fish.
He tossed it afterward and I managed to barely catch it, holding it in my lap as I skimmed through all of the things about myself that I could share.
I imagined myself gazing around the room at everyone and taking a deep breath before just saying it. Before simply telling them the fact that I was raped. I knew this wouldn't happen though; I was much too afraid to admit it.
"Bill, you okay there?" Danny snapped his fingers at me, bringing it to my attention that I'd spaced out in my own world, considering this all.
"There's something I need to get off of my chest." I began anxiously, my stomach beginning to turn. I could feel my heart hammering against my ribcage so wildly that it literally hurt, and was actually to the point of making me feel light-headed.
"Which would be...?" Brendon raised an elegant eyebrow my way, all eyes watching me, everyone waiting for what I had to tell them...If I could.
"William, you don't need to do this." Mr.Way assured from his spot on his desk, his eyes full of concern.
"N-no..I really want to just get it out." I choked, my breathing becoming erratic. I shouldn't let it get to me, but I was, and I felt as if I were going to pass out before I was able to say it.
Without another thought, I took the deepest breath I could.
"I was r-raped...That's why I-I," I motioned to my arms, trying to regulate my heart-rate, but failing.
"Raped?" Danny repeated in utter shock, at least, I thought. I couldn't see any of their reactions because I had my head down, watching my hands claw at my chest as it became too tight to breathe.
The memories of that night were storming through my head like a tornado, and every time I said it aloud, that I had been through this, it seemed to effect me worse; I thought things were supposed to get easier to admit as you continued to say it.
"Hey, Guillermo." I could vaguely see Gabe's figure kneeling in front of me through my hair. "Hey, Chill."
His hands wrapped around my forearms, but it only seemed to make things worse. I could only recall those pigs' rough, dirty hands clamping onto my arms in the same place, holding me down as I screamed for help, but received none.
"William, be chill. You hear me? Try to slow your breathing." Gabe instructed me through the haze my mind was creating, I trying and getting nothing. I could feel my eyes burning as tears swelled from them and escaped, rolling down my face until my hair got in the way of their path, stopping them at my jawline.
Funny I could concentrate on this when I couldn't even keep myself in present time enough to breathe.
I managed to glimpse the groups' faces, which were a mixture of shock and terror.
"William, please, calm down." Mr.Way was by Gabe now, moving the hair from my face and almost pleading "Look," He inhaled slowly, deeply, then let it out in the same way.
"Do it with me." I tried, but again, failed. I was beginning to get groggy from lack of air.
"Guys, go outside. Danny, would you go get the nurse?"
I think I heard him give a hurried "Yes," before they all obeyed, fleeing the room.
"Gabe, Help me out here." Mr.Way motioned to Gabe, causing me to notice he didn't leave when everyone else did, and his hands were still around my arms.
My head was starting to get too heavy for me to hold it up, and I almost let myself fall unconscious when I felt myself pulled to the floor. My back was being pressed to someone Else's chest.
"Guillermo, do you feel me breathing?" Gabe's voice was at my ear, but it sounded too far away for me to believe it was him behind me. When I tried to suck in oxygen again, I found that I could in fact feel his chest expanding and retracting against my back as he breathed.
"Do you feel it?" He repeated himself after what felt like an hour in my disheveled mind.
"-Y-ye-" I simply couldn't get anymore than that out of my constricted throat. "Good."
His hands snaked around me and pressed against my chest.
"Try to breathe with me." He pushed harder against my ribs when he inhaled, softening the pressure as he breathed out.
He did this several times before I was able to take a breath with him. "Good. Don't stop yet." He continued doing this until I took a second breath. It took maybe 10 minutes of this before I was able to breathe normally again, with consequences of course, which was mostly the killer headache and horribly sore throat.
"You all good now?" He inquired as he finally retracted his hands from my chest.
"I-I think so." I croaked, gazing toward Mr.Way afterward because my mind was still being illogical and for no apparent reason, I expected him to be upset that I had been such a coward. He wasn't though, and seemed more worried than anything.
"Well, you're still going to the nurse just to be safe." He stared at me a few more seconds before signaling for Gabe to help me up. When I was unsteadily on my feet, he pulled me toward the door.
"Thank you..Again." I almost whispered, keeping my eyes cast down, humiliated about the whole ordeal.
"Don't mention it." He responded, just before the group appeared around the hall, all hurrying to us a barrage of "Are you Okay?"'s and words like that.