Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match

This was the point that seemed the worst. As I sank the sharp metal into my wrist, over many other lacerations, I finally reached the point where all the previous wounds were so overwhelming, the pain merged. I couldn't feel each individual slit anymore. They all came together like one big gash.
I took the razor vertically down the inside of my arm, crossing it over all the others. I couldn't even feel the metal in my veins at this point. It was enough. My arms were cut up enough this time, there was no helping me. My parents were scheduled to be gone for at least an hour.
They would come home to a son, lying on the floor completely bled out.

I placed the razor on the sink counter before examining my damage to the bathroom. What met my eyes was like deja vu. The usual white tiles on the floor were coated with deep red, the puddle growing, the longer I stood here.
I glanced down at myself. My blue shirt was ruined. Funny how I worried about this, considering I wouldn't need it after tonight. I stole a glimpse of the bathtub, deciding not to go out in it, like I tried the first time. I sunk to the floor, my back to the sink. I didn't care that I was sitting in a river of my own precious blood. Hell, I didn't even feel the pain so immensely anymore.

My head was getting heavy, and I felt like I could actually fall asleep. My arms were useless as the rested idly at my sides. Finally, I felt at peace.
I struggled with my left arm as I pulled it to my chest, letting the crimson soak into my shirt, leaving a brown, discolored stain on ninety percent of the fabric. The warmth of my blood pressing my shirt to my chest was sickeningly calming, pushing me closer to unconsciousness. I finally found relief of all the memories haunting me. My head was clear. I vaguely felt a bittersweet smile tug at the corners of my mouth. This was worth it.
"William, open the door now." A crude voice erupted through the silence, booming like thunder in my groggy mind. "I know what you're doing, now open up." The voice added, only getting louder. It took me a minute to realize who it was. I knew immediately that it wasn't Mother. She didn't have such a deep, menacing voice. My dad's voice was fuller sounding, sounded more mature and welcoming. Then it stuck me. My neighbor, Zachary. I didn't have a problem; He was a nice boy, but right now, I despised him.

"Leave me alone!" My own voice sounded foreign to me, but I continued. "I don't need your help!"
That's when he began beating the door, trying to knock it open. Maybe I would bleed dry before he got the door down.
A loud thud as he kicked the door exploded like a gun in my mind.
Boom.
"Open the damn door!"
Boom.
"Open it!"
Boom. Boom. Boom.
"Open the door!"
Boom.

I shot up with a yelp, realizing I had been holding my breath in my sleep. I seemed to every time I dreamt this. I thought I'd finally willed away these nightmares, but obviously they came tornadoing back when I opened up about the rape at the group therapy. I pushed the cover off my chest as I leaned back on my elbows, steadying my heart as best as I could. I sighed as I peered around the room.
My eyes were already adjusted to the dark, and I could vaguely see Gabe's figure on the other side of the room, his snoring louder than usual. I pushed myself to my feet and left the room, walking silently across the hall to the shower rooms to splash cool water across my face, hoping it might dull the throbbing pain in my temples. It didn't, but it managed to clean the musty smell of sweat off of me.
The clock out in the hallway said it was seven o'clock. I knew I couldn't go back to sleep now, so I slumped toward the living room. Ryan was sitting by himself, writing in his lyric book.

" 'Morning." He acknowledged me when I sat by him, groaning inwardly. When I didn't respond, he peeked up from behind his writing. "What's wrong? You look sick."
I shrugged, rubbing my face before answering "Bad dream."
He gazed at me skeptically though, confusion and apprehension laced into his brown eyes. "Do you want to go to the nurse?" He inquired, his worried nature taking hold of him again.
"No. I'm fine. I just need to cool down for a minute." I croaked dryly, running my fingers through my messy hair in a half-assed attempt to tame the knots. "Seriously William. You look bad. Maybe you should just go get some Tylenol?" I declined again though.
"I'm fine, I promise." He let his eyes linger on me for another moment before returning to what he was writing. "Mr.Way told me not to say anything, but he's gonna be a little late getting here today."
I raised an eyebrow at this. It was evident that this wasn't what Mr.Way told him not to mention. "Care to explain why this means anything to me?" I remembered the dream, and the blood, gazing down at my arms as almost a reflex. No blood. "He's letting us have a movie night because you opened up so much yesterday." Ryan explained, dropping his voice and leaning in a bit, as if Mr.Way had ears in the walls to catch him. "He's stopping at the store to get drinks, and the movies." He paused to place a finger in front of his lips. "But don't tell anyone else, okay?"
I nodded, failing to see what was so great about a couple of movies. How did that take my mind off of the stupid memories that were tormenting me? It didn't. "But," Ryan smiled. "Knowing Mr.Way, they'll be decent movies. Maybe even a scary one." He tapped his pen against his paper, to a rhythm that I couldn't recognize. "Are you 100% positive you're alright?" He pressed, placing a timid hand against my forehead.
"You feel feverish. Here." He took the cover that was wrapped around his waist, draping it over the both of us. "I'm going to go to the nurse and get you something." He stood and slipped on a pair of Van's, that looked at least three sizes too big on him.
I opened my mouth to protest, but he stopped me. "No, you need something. Otherwise, you'll be even worse." Without another word, he hurried away. I appreciated how nurturing he was, but I didn't want any medicine; I wanted to suffer through the painful thudding against the back of my skull, and the way my chest seemed too tight, like it felt when you got a chest cold. I just wanted to feel the pain, so I could concentrate on it and not those terrifying images seared into my memory.

What was I kidding? I could take the strongest pill the nurse had, and could still clearly recall these nightmares. I settled onto the couch, and pulled the cover to my chest, only to push it back off seconds later. I stood, unsteadily and hurried to my room. If I was going to suffer, so was Gabe. As soon as I pushed the door open, I flicked the light on. "Gabe, wake up." I almost whined when he buried his face in his pillow. "No. Wake up." I pulled the pillow from under him, listening to him groan when he found I wasn't going to simply leave.
"What?" He cried dramatically as he rolled onto his back, eyes squinted in the light. He rubbed at his stubbled chin with a yawn before sitting up. "Ryan left me to go get medicine to force down my throat.I don't want to be alone." I admitted, motioning for him to get up. "And why is that?" He bluntly questioned, like it meant nothing to him, which honestly didn't surprise me. "I had a bad dream." I answered quietly, only just realizing how juvenile it sounded. "What? Did the boogieman come out from under your bed in this bad dream?" He mocked before standing and finding a clean pair of pants.
"No." I growled through gritted teeth. "If you really want to know, It was more of a memory than a bad dream." He zipped his pants with a curious look my way. "Memory?" He dumbly glanced at me before changing his shirt and finding his purple jacket.
"Yeah." He pushed past me and across the hall, to the shower room to brush his teeth. "What kind of memory?" He queried half-halfheartedly. "The last time I did this." I motioned at my arms; I always felt stupid talking about these things to him, and he usually seemed uninterested.
"Oh. And what am I supposed to do?" He managed to say this with a mouthful of toothpaste and spit.
"Why did I even think for one second that you might care?" I grumbled before turning and leaving the bathroom.
"Oh, Guillermo. Don't be like that. It was just a question." He called from the doorway of the room he was still in. I seriously hated him at the moment. He could be such an insensitive jerk when I thought I just might be able to talk to him.

"Dude, yes!" Danny cheered as he cracked open the can of Dr.Pepper he had, taking a drink of it. A dreamy, almost dream-like expression passed his face as the coke passed his lips. "I haven't had one of these damn things in months!" He cried happily afterward. Brendon had opened a can only seconds before Danny, and hadn't let it leave his mouth since. "Ahh, Heaven!" Gabe exhaled euphorically. I didn't get it. Sure, the damn things were good, but they were acting as if they had magical, orgasmic symptoms.
Travis laughed by my side. "Yeah, after being in here for a while, it's a great day just to get coke. Pretty pitiful, huh?" I nodded, secretly praying I would never get so much of a rise out of a simple drink. "Okay, let's pop in a movie!" Gabe hopped up from the couch, me almost falling over at the sudden action.
"College, The Rocker, and A Haunting in Connecticut." He called off, before skimming over the information on the backs of the cases. "I think we should watch this one first. I hear it's hilarious." He held up College.
I could already tell by the front of the case that it would be another stupid movie full of crude, childish humor. He placed it into the DVD player without another input, fast forwarding through the commercials and pressing play before returning.
"Miss me, Querido?" He murmured against my shoulder whenever he was comfortable again. "Don't expect a yes to that question, Darlin'." I sneered in return before he turned his attention to the beginning of the movie.

The whole film was spent either ewwing, or shielding my eyes. Seriously, I didn't care to see some obese teenage boy carrying out sexual activities with some girl in the back of a vehicle. That scarred me terribly.
Of course, Gabe laughed like crazy throughout the whole damn thing, and if I caught myself laughing also, it was because of his ridiculous laugh, not the movie.
"¿Qué tiene de malo,Guillermo?" He asked me a few times when I had my most disgusted face in action. "Mr.Way picked this out?" I responded at one time. "Yeah. He knew a few of us wanted to watch it." He replied with a snicker at me. "You're such a girl."
"Is the next movie going to be a little less disturbing?" Frankie curled his lip at the credits of the movie we'd just suffered through.
"I dunno." Gabe nudged Danny hard, demanding "Go put in the other comedy one." Danny whined in protest, but stumbled to his feet to change the movie.
"Nice ass-crack you have going on there." Brendon laughed, which only led to Danny pulling his pants down to expose the rest of his butt.
"Really man? I thought it was kinda big, but I mean, if you like it..." He grinned deviously before relieving us all and pulling his pants back up.
"Trav, you're doing that creepy staring thing." I giggled quietly enough for only him to hear, before pretending to pick his jaw up from his lap. He turned his blue eyes to me as if to say "Help me William. I'm going to attack him one night, and I'm disinclined to say I'll regret it." I couldn't help but laugh, getting a few strange looks from the others. Danny quickly put the second movie in. The Rocker.
This one was much more enjoyable. While I didn't like seeing a hairy man's bare ass, the movie itself was a bit more enjoyable, and less crude than the other.
"I have to pee." I excused myself when the credits finally came. By the time I came back, there was already another movie in the player. Great. This had to be the horror movie. I wanted to leave then. I wasn't a fan of ghost movies; they terrified me. Especially the ones that were based on true stories, like this one. Great, here we went.

The whole damn movie was spent ducking behind Travis, or Gabe, regretfully. Of course I was left terrified like I predicted. I swear I almost pissed my pants on more than one occasion. Thankfully though, Travis did about the same as me and we ended up clinging to each other a few times, only to be laughed at after the movie was over.
"Shush, it's not funny!" Travis screeched, when Danny pointed out how femininely he screamed once. "That was a horrible movie!" He added. Ryan nodded in agreement, still wide-eyed about the scenes that were displayed in the movie. Cutting the dead's eyelids off? Who came up with that?!
"Aw, it was just a little horror movie. I mean, sure it's based on true shit, but you know, don't sweat it." Gabe grinned evilly before hurrying to the DVD player and shutting it off.
"Now what do we do?" He questioned, glancing at his wristwatch. "It's only 12:30."

"Sleep?" I suggested rhetorically, getting a disgusted look from him.
"This is your little celebration, and you're wanting to pass out so early?" He acted as if the idea was simply unfathomable. "Well, I'm gonna go drain the main vein." Brendon snickered before disappearing down the hallway.

"You alright?" Travis asked then, gazing at me curiously. I must have let me face show the uneasiness I'd been feeling since that damn dream. I shrugged nonchalantly, fibbing "Just a little worked up from that last movie, I guess." He nodded vigorously.
"That was the scariest move I've watched in like, forever!"