Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match

GABE

"Gabe..." Mr. Richard poked his head in the door of my room, an anxious look tinging his hazel eyes.
"Your mother is here to see you." The words were surreal; I figured he was messing with my head, but he didn't smile, or anything. His face was solemn as I crawled from my bed and followed him down the hall, toward the visitor center.
I hadn't seen my mom in nearly two years, so I was shocked in the least that she was here. There must have been something terribly wrong.

When my counselor opened the glass door and let me into the room, I paused where I was. My mother was sitting at the table closest to the back left corner, her weary brown eyes glued to me in disgust. Her hair was graying and stress was evident in her tired face. Of course, when I locked eyes with her, she tensed. She filled with hatred at my sight.
I sighed. This was going to be disastrous. I plodded over to her and sat at the table, in the seat across from her, pulling my hat off as I did. I had been so caught up in her appearance, I only just noticed my little brother Robbie by her side. He had gotten bigger since the last time I saw him.

His dark hair was beginning to grow into thick curls like mine, and he was growing into his body, which was proving to be like mine; tall and lanky. He was really starting to resemble me, and I would have been proud of this, had my mother not been there.
"Gabriel." She began, her voice devoid of any emotions for me, her own son. I lifted my eyes to hers, which were intimidating. Though I hadn't seen her in so long, I clearly remembered just how intimidating she was.

"Gabriel, listen to me." She hissed through gritted teeth. She seemed as flustered about this as I was. I was hanging on the edge of my seat to know the reasoning behind her showing up here.
"I signed you off." She stated simply, leaving me confused.
"Signed me off?" I repeated confused, waiting for her to elaborate.
"You're not in my custody anymore. I signed you over to the facility. They said I could do that because you were stuck here until you're nineteen, so you don't need a legal guardian, and I won't claim a killer as my child."

I felt what was left of the tangles of my heart sever. I knew my mother disowned me, but I never believed she despised me so bad that she would throw me off on a facility.
"We were going to let the facility tell you, but my lawyer told me it was best to come here myself and let you know." She paused to sweep her long hair from her eyes.
"Do NOT send letters to our address anymore, because I'll continue to throw them away. Robbie will not have a brother figure as vile as you. I will not let my other kid grow up to follow in your footsteps."

She finished with what she was here to say, so she stood and motioned for Robbie to follow. As they walked by, I reached out, grasping Robbie's fingertips. He flicked his eyes toward me; they told me everything. He didn't want this anymore than I did. He still wanted me to be his brother, he still wanted me to send letters to him, to keep in touch.
"I love you, Robbie." I croaked weakly. Mother turned and glared at the two of us. She didn't approve of any interaction between us anymore.

"Te amo hermano mayor." He uttered before pulling away and hurrying to Mother's side. I watched blankly as they walked out the door, my voice a ghost to myself as it added "I love you too, Mom."
I turned back around and buried my face in my hands, fighting it, but unable to stop the tears that were already making their way from my eyes. I knew I was a horrible person; I killed a man, but he deserved it. You couldn't expect someone like me to just stand by and let that man beat my mom and little brother, so I put an end to it.
At what cost, though? The very family I ruined my life to save. Life was cruel and I accepted that, but this was just too much.

What was the point of what I did, anyways? I lost my loved ones either way.
"Gabe, I know this seems like a bad thing, but think about what your mother has been through." Mr. Richards hand touched my shoulder blade as he tried to calm me down, but I was too upset for that.
"Why should I? Why can't she fucking think about what I've been through?! I had to kill someone for her, then she literally dumps me? And she expects me to stop being Robbie's brother? Robbie is the most important thing in my life, dammit!"
I hated tears, but right now, that wasn't my problem. I let everything I felt out at this moment, sobbing like a baby all over the table.
My life was terrible.

I was already running plans through my head. I could easily hang myself here, and put an end to this bullshit. No one would miss me now. As a matter of fact, my death would be easier on the world. One less maniac to care for here, day after day.

As I wiped my face off and sat up, I decided in myself that I would. I was going to put an end to myself tonight.

Fucking great. I finally managed to unhinge my eyes, instantly waking from another terrible nightmare. I hated sleeping because I always ran the chance of bringing up old memories that I wanted to forget. This was one of those nights.
I wrestled to get my cover off of my body and stood up. Though it was cold in the room, I was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, so I pulled my shirt over my head and wiped my face with it before tossing it to the floor.

I stumbled across the hall to the bathrooms, taking a piss and splashing my face with cold water. I didn't think I would be sleeping anymore tonight, after such a dream. I'd be lucky to be able to even sit still.
I ran though everything that I did the previous day. The fight, talking to Brian, the incident in the cafeteria, dinner, stealing Vodka and beer from block four, reading Danny and Trav's files, which turned out oddly bland.

That's when my mind clicked into action. I had two six packs of Coors Light under my bed at this very moment. This was a comforting thought, and I dodged back to the room.
As soon as I closed the door, I dove to the floor and dug under the bed, bringing the first six pack out. I tossed it up on the bed and crawled by it. I pulled one out and went to open it but stopped before I did. I glanced over at William, who was sleeping peacefully.
Why not give the kid a couple to apologize for scaring him earlier.
"Guillermo! Hey, wake up!" I tossed my pillow at him, not surprised that it didn't wake him. With a groan, I pulled myself back off the mattress and over to him.
"Wake up.I'm trying to be nice." I growled as I shook his bony shoulder. He stirred and instantly ran his fingers through his matted hair before sitting up, glaring at me in a half-lidded haze.

"What?" He whined groggily, pulling his cover tighter to his slightly quivering frame. He yawned and stood up when I motioned him to come to my bed.
"So, I was plagued by terrible dreams and decided to crack open a few of these babies to ease the ole nerves."
I tossed one of the beers at him, snickering as he fumbled to catch it. He proceeded to stare at it, wide eyed.

"Where the hell did you get these?" He questioned before plopping down beside me.
"I'm Superman. I can do that." I laughed, popping one open and taking a big chug of it. I watched him open his too, sipping it like a pansy. It didn't surprise me.
"So, terrible dreams, huh?" He hummed as he finally seemed to wake up. "Care to tell me about it, since it lead to you waking me up from my much needed sleep?" That struck me as a little rude, but I guessed I deserved that. He had tried to come to me the other day after having a bad dream, but I didn't care, so whatever.

"Uhh..It's nothing really." I tried to shrug it off as nothing, but he was a smart little fucker.
"Okay, sure it was. That's why you're wide awake chugging that." he wagged a slender finger at the can I had.

"Well, if you must know, it was my mom. You know, I'm sure Brendon or Frank told you that she disowns me."
He nodded quietly, watching me. It made me uncomfortable to have his deep eyes on me like that, but I was getting used to it. He seemed to do it a lot.
"Well, when I was thirteen, she just showed up here after two years of me not seeing her at all. She told me that she gave up custody of me to the facility and that I was their problem, not hers. She told me that she didn't want my little brother following in my footsteps and just...left me for good."

I took another swig of the booze, waiting for a reply from him. He didn't say anything, but watched me, waiting for me to say something else.
"Uh...It was the last time I talked to my little brother. You can imagine how that feels. I mean, he was my world, and that bitch just yanked him away." I pretended to snatch at the air to add emphasis to what I was saying.
"After she left, I just wanted to die." This finally seemed to provoke some type of emotion to cross his face.

"You wanted to die?" He repeated in shock. What was so surprising about that? Yeah, so I wanted to snub myself out to save everyone some trouble, big deal.
"Yeah. Why not? I was just a problem to the state, having to pay for food to feed me, and a place to stay, and therapy."
I shrugged, secretly a bit proud. I'd surprised him with that. What, did he think I was some stuck up loser that thought I deserved to live more so than everyone else? Good. I put up a good front.

"Y-you know...That's not true." I watched, a little tense, as he began to reach out. He lingered before though, his fingertips inches from my arm. I couldn't help but stare at him. His large eyes were fixated on his hand as if he was afraid to touch me. Was he just a coward or was I really that bad?
"Whatever." I finished my first can and tossed it to my side before getting another.
"Where did you really get these?"He inquired quietly, moving his eyes to the can in his hand.
"I told you, I'm Superman." I grinned as I curled my free arm to flex my muscles. He nodded with a small, forced chuckle.
"Well, maybe Superman should finish his story, because I know that there's a lot he's hiding." He attempted an encouraging smile as he took another drink.
"Why do you care to hear my little sob story? It's not like it's going to help you any." I bitterly murmured guzzling the second can dry.
He shrugged and admitted "Well, it won't, but you know it would be nice to have someone here to listen."
I considered the consequences with a sigh. I shifted to pull my knee up so that I could prop my elbow on it, leaning my head into my palm.

"What do you want me to say? You know, the fact that it's been five years since I've heard from either of them?"
I waited for him to speak, but again, he said nothing. He was watching me again, waiting for me to continue.
"I feel stupid...I mean, she flat out told me she hated me and had nothing to do with me, but I still love her. I mean, I killed a man for her. I knew I would end up in prison or something, but she was my mother and I couldn't just let the fucker hurt her, ya know?" I wasn't used to opening up to people, so as I rambled like this, I kept my eyes glued to anything but him. I sounded so pathetic right now.

"She could have at least said I could see Robbie once a year. Fuck, she could have said I couldn't see him anymore, but could write to him every once in a while and I'd be happy....But no. I can't even know how my brother is doing. For all I know, he could be in some orphanage right now or something."
"Wipe that look off of your face." I growled upon peeking over at him. He blinked in confusion.
"What look?" He queried. I rolled my eyes at him as I reached for my third beer. "That 'oh-you-poor-little-person', pity stare thing." I scoffed. "I don't need anyone's pity, so don't give me that shit, got it?"

I flinched when he leaned his head on my shoulder, his forehead freezing against me.
"You're so insensitive. You're still not finished. What else is running through that thick skull of yours?" His voice was muffled against my arm and his breath tickled as it broke against my skin. The feeling was so foreign to me, I didn't know if I should relish in it or shove him away.
"...She was my fucking mom. How could she just drop me like some dog?" I uttered, agitated. I hadn't actually sat down and ran through the emotions this evoked in so long, I forgot just how hard it was. I tugged my hair between my fingers as the silence plagued the room. I hated silence, dammit.

"Why me?" I grumbled before chugging half of the can I had.
"Because, you're Superman, remember? People throw shit at you because they know you're invincible and it won't break you down." He offered with a weak smile before finally finishing his first can off.
"You know, you're not too bad, Kid." I chuckled before offering him the fifth beer. He took it hesitantly.
"Thanks? You're not so bad yourself, once you get past the taunting." I paused to gape at him in mock horror.
"What? I'm not that bad!" He raised a skeptic eyebrow.
"Pssh, yeah right." He grew bitter for a moment before poking me in the ribs.
"How are you shirtless right now? It's freezing cold in here." I shrugged monotonously, responding "I dunno. I woke up sweating so i'm just now cooling back off. How are you so freezing?"
He stared at me like I was stupid. "Umm, I don't know. Maybe because it's about 40 degrees outside?" Just the thought of the cold weather cause his body to convulse.

"Here." I reached over and pulled a thick, black sweater of mine off of my dresser, tossing it to him. He gazed at it cautiously before sniffing it.
"It's clean." I assured. He pulled it over his head and slipped his tiny arms into the sleeves. It was amusing to see how much bigger it was on him than it was on me. He pushed the sleeves up to his elbows.
"Thanks.."

I wracked my brain for anything interesting to tell him and almost decided there was nothing.
"Oh, hey, you're gonna love tomorrow." He averted his attention back to me. "Why's that?"
I grinned. "Tomorrow is visitors day. I'm certain Mr.Way called your parents to come down here. He usually stresses that it's important for them to at least the first time."
His eyes lit up and a crooked smile graced his thin lips.
"Seriously?!" He reminded me of a small child in a toy store by the way he completely forgot everything that was just happening before hand.
"Yup, and hey, maybe we'll get to see the people who made Danny and Trav. That'd be fun." I snorted sarcastically at the last bit of that. He seemed excited all the same though.
"Maybe Courtney will come, too." He practically squeaked. Now was my turn to raise an eyebrow.

"Who's Courtney? You have a girl you didn't tell me about?" He shook his head no, replying "No, she's my little sister. We're kind of close...I miss her."
I nodded thoughtfully, picturing how she would probably look. I wouldn't lie; I figured she would look exactly like William, only a little shorter, and with slightly larger boobs.
"Maybe. I wanna meet your family. Ya know, see which one made you so uptight." His smile turned to a pouty glare.
"I'm not uptight."
I patted his bony shoulder, jeering "Keep telling yourself that, Guillermo."