Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match

Bill

"Wooow. This is just crazy!" I exclaimed as I plopped down on the bench by Gabe. He had a book in his hands, large glasses perched on his nose as he read intently.
"What?" He boredly murmured, not sparing a moment to glance up from the page he was on. I leaned back to rest against the hard wood, explaining "You reading. You seem like the type who doesn't like to."
He finished the page before closing the book and tossing it to his side.

"Ehh..Only when I'm bored and have nothing to do." He sighed and stretched his long arms behind him to stretch his muscles, popping me on the back of the head as he did.
"Oww, that hurt." I growled as my hand reached defensively to the sore spot, weaving my fingertips into my hair. He simply slouched against the back of the bench boredly.
"Where the fuck is everyone at?" He strained through a yawn and situated his hat before rising from the bench. I reluctantly followed suit. "I'm not sure. Trav. said he was on his way." I glanced toward the cafeteria. As if on cue, the rest of the group appeared around the right wing of the lunchroom, hording our way.

"Ahh, there's my little clique. Guess they couldn't stand another minute away from me." He joked with a quick wave toward Danny.
"Pssh. You wish." My eyes met Trav's momentarily. He seemed especially cheerful.

When they reached us, I immediately pulled him aside.
"So, has Danny said anything to Gabe yet?" It took him a second to catch that I was talking about his little 'fling' with Danny.
"Uh, not yet. I think he wants to tell him though."
I nodded.
"I'm worried about how Gabe will react.." He admitted as he fixed his beanie over his orange tangles.
"Eh, don't be. The most he'll do is whine about it. I mean, most of the block is...Well, ya know."
He gave a weak smile. "Hopefully."

Danny and Gabe were by the Oak tree laughing about something. Obviously Danny hadn't said anything yet. Travis saw this too, giving a sigh.
I started to say something, but stopped when I noticed the blond boy that Carden had been talking to yesterday was approaching.
Travis saw this also, whispering "Who is that?"
I shrugged as he reached us. He gave an awkward half-smile.

"Um..Hi, I'm Michael. Your friend told me you probably wouldn't be striking up a conversation with any other blocks and I would probably have to be the first. He told me you like to sing?"
I blinked, confused. Sure, I wrote lyrics in my notebook sometimes when I was alone, but I wasn't big on actually singing them.
"Umm..Maybe?" I gave a quick glance to Travis, who took a step back and motioned toward Danny, telling me he was going to go talk to him.
Yeah Buddy. Thanks for just leaving me here with this stranger.
"I just thought I would come talk to you. I play guitar so...Your friend told me you sing. I was just curious about it."
I couldn't help but notice that he had a very thick Australian accent. What was an Australian doing here?

"Well...I'm not really big on singing. I do sometimes, but I've got all these songs written." I didn't know why I was telling a complete stranger this, but he seemed sincere to me. I could trust someone with an accent, if that made any sense.
"Really?" His blue eyes lit up at this. "I write a bit, but I wouldn't consider them worth making music to." He chuckled and awkwardly shuffled his feet over the grass.
"I know we don't really know each other, but good lyric writers are hard to come by. Maybe we could take a look at them, and if you want, I could make some guitar riffs for them."
I could tell this was as weird for him as it was for me, so I gave the idea some thought. What could it hurt? The worst that could probably happen was him not liking my lyrics, or not being a very good guitarist.

I shrugged. "I guess. But when?" He gave another quick smile. "Well, I could get a pass and come to your block sometime today with my guitar, if that sounds good."
I nodded at the idea of possibly having a decent way to pass my time.
"Sounds good to me." I concluded. He stuffed his hands into his black jacket pockets.
"Well, I'll see you then." He turned and left then, leaving me to stand alone, pondering on how weird that just was.

I turned on the heels of my shoes and joined Gabe,Danny and Travis under the tree.
Upon entering the conversation, my eyes widened. No wonder Travis looked so weirded out.
"No Dude. Pete Wentz. I would fuck him up one wall and down the other." Gabe protested to something Danny said, that I'd obviously missed.
Danny raised an eyebrow. "So you fuck guys?"
Gabe glared at him at this, growling "Fuck no. That's gross." Danny crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the tree.
"So you're homophobic?" Gabe through his arms up in a frustrated manner.
"No! I didn't say that. I just don't like the thought of doing some dude in the butt." He argued and pulled his glasses off, placing them in his jacket pocket.

"I really do hope you're not a homophobe." Danny stressed. Gabe shook his head. "I"m not." He was going to say something else, but was interrupted.
"Travis and I are together." The words spilled from Danny's mouth so fast that Gabe didn't seem to understand them at first. His eyes bugged when realization dawned on him though.
All grew quiet in our group of four. Awkward wasn't a strong enough word to describe the situation.
"You two are gay?" The words seemed to not want to leave Gabe's lips.
"Yeah."

His dark eyes met mine, asking me if I had known about this before him. I, in turn, averted my gaze to Travis, who decided to not look at any of us, but the bench to our right instead.
"Well...You know I'm going to have to have a little time to get used to this, right?" I was relieved that he was responding so monotonously to this. I honestly expected at least a bit of yelling, and name calling. Guess I didn't know Gabe as well as I thought.
"Well, duh." Danny responded. "I didn't expect you to just be like 'Oh, okay Dude'. I figured you'd be a little pissed off."
Gabe laughed at this, for no apparent reason. "I've been in a block with four gay guys for three years now. If I was homophobic, don't you think I would have already demanded to be transferred to a different block?"
I could literally see the relief this brought Travis as his every muscle seemed to relax, and a modest smile tried to stay hidden.

A loud bell rang through the air, signaling for us that our break was over, and we were to return to our blocks.
I took another peek around, scouring all the faces of all the block's inhabitants, trying to see Michael. No sign of him, though.
"You coming?" Gabe nudged me in the side hard enough that it hurt.
"No, I'm not even breathing heavy yet." I retorted before beginning to walk toward the door to our block.
He wavered in the spot where he was standing, staring after me with a surprised expression.
"What?" I growled when I paused to wait for him to hurry his ass up.
"Did you just make a dirty joke?" He laughed loudly when he was by my side again, and walking. I raised an eyebrow. "Uh, maybe?" He snorted, apparently amused by that, which I didn't get.

"Anyways, did you know about Danny and Travis?" He inquired, still snickering. "Well, yeah. Travis kind of came to me about it and I helped him out with everything." He paused again, but I didn't stop for him this time.
"Wait, so Trav was the one that took the step to get with Danny?" He questioned. I shook my head.
"No. Actually Danny did. He told Travis how he felt after he beat the shit out of that guy. They got into a big fight about it before he was put in the Isolation room."
He stuffed his hands in his pockets, murmuring "That makes more sense, but how did he tell him?"
I rolled my eyes. What was with all the questions. He could ask Danny and get more information about all of this.

"I don't know.
From what I heard, he told Travis that he really liked him and something about how he didn't want anything happening to Trav while he's around to prevent it."
Gabe was thoughtful about this as we turned down the hall toward our room.
"Well, I guess I can't say much then. We should just hope something doesn't go wrong with this. I mean, we don't want either of them to end up leaving the block because of a bad relationship or something."
I couldn't say I wasn't shocked to hear him acting so mature about this.

It was when we reached our door that he stopped to slap his forehead. "Dammit! I forgot my book outside." He grumbled. He turned around to go back. "Come with me to get it." He demanded and didn't give me time to think about an answer before beginning to walk off.
I jogged to catch up to him.
"So.." I felt cruel for what I was about to ask, but I figured it was for a good thing. Talking about things that bother you is supposed to make you feel better.

"So, what?" He rubbed at the stubble decorating his chin. Something about him today was different. He was being more calm than usual, and I enjoyed it. I felt like I could talk to him on a more serious level.
"The nurse came to me last night to change my bandages." I began, and he was visibly irritated by how long I was taking to make my point.
"Annd?"
I sighed. "She wondered what happened because my wrists are bruised up pretty bad."
He nodded, still not getting my point.
"Okay?"
"Well...Remember that incident in the cafeteria the other day? When you were grabbing my wrists?" His eyes darkened greatly and I knew that he suddenly got my point.
"I bruised you?..."
I didn't want to tell him yes, but I didn't want to say no, so I simply continued.
"What I wanted to ask though, is what exactly brought on such hostility in the cafeteria? I mean, I had to have did something to set you off like that."
We were at the bench now, where the book still sat, but he seemed to completely forget what we'd come out here for.
"I..I can't remember really." He choked out, a face of disgust plaguing him. "I just..I remember you said something, but I can't remember what it was."
I felt terrible for bringing this up now, seeing him so flustered, but still yet. I mean, I had been reduced to tears when he left after hurting me like that. It had scared me so much.

"Do you even care about anything."
He glanced toward me, but wouldn't look me directly in the eyes. "Huh?"
I guessed that had been what set him off. "I had asked you if you even cared about anything before you did it." Insight struck him then.
"Yeah..That was it. It just reminded me of some shit from a long time back." His voice was eerily quiet by now, and it honestly scared me.
I grabbed his book and placed it in his hands before adding "I'm sorry I said that. I didn't mean to piss you off when I did. I was just really freaked out about that fight."

He ran his fingers through his coarse hair and it showed the degree of how much this really stressed him out. "No..I'm sorry. I really can't believe I hurt you again." He pulled his jacket closer to his thin frame as he began to lead us back to the block.
"I'm so fucking stupid, I swear." He hissed to himself through gritted teeth.
"You would think that after ten years, I would finally stop letting stuff other people say bring up the past, but I guess it still happens."

I shook my head no. "You're not stupid. I do the same thing. Of course, instead I react in a more childish way, such as wallowing in my own pity. It's pathetic."
He acted as if I hadn't just said anything, continuing to put himself down under his breath.
"Soy una maldita idiota. No puedo hacer nada bien."
I was amazed that I understood all that he said, considering he had spoken it so fast, but I did.
"Dejar..de decir.. e-eso." I stammered back in the language as best as I could. This surprised him for some reason. He knew I could understand some of it, so why wouldn't he think I could speak a bit of it?
"¿Por qué? " He still wouldn't look at me, but I could see him raise an eyebrow.
"Because I don't think it was your fault, and I'm not blaming you, so you shouldn't blame yourself."
He kicked at the wall beside us as he bitterly uttered
"No me gusta lastimar a la gente." He hesitated before opening our door and tossing his book on his bed.
"Especially not you, Guillermo."

This struck me as odd. 'I don't like hurting people. Esepically not you, Guillermo.'
"¿Qué quieres...decir?" I again struggled with the words, but managed to at least say them well enough that he understood them.
"Quiero que te proteja, no hacerle daño a usted."
I froze, unable to find a reasonable responce to this. Someone who started out being so mean to me is now standing by me, telling me he wants to protect me, not hurt me?
How should I react to that?