Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match

"Well..." His voice droned out quietly, he strumming his fingers on the body of his guitar. "I better get going. Gotta get back early so I can catch the shower room before everyone else."
He continued to ramble, which honestly only made things worse. Chizzy and I had tried to work on another song today, but it was the most awkward situation I'd ever been caught in.
Every time we'd gotten together like this to work on our music before, we spent half the time talking about anything and everything; this time though, we didn't speak more than four words that didn't have to do with the song we were working on.

"Y-yeah." I attempted to sound unphased by the tension in the room that was almost suffocating me, but my stutter gave me away.
He didn't seem to notice though. I watched from the corner of my eye as he packed his guitar into it's case, clamping it shut before rising from the red couch. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow then." He gave a small wave before hurrying from the room, case in hand.
I watched him leave, depressed because I couldn't help but feel that this was somehow my fault. I slumped down further into the couch, until my body was hanging off, only being held up by my freezing feet, while a groan passed my lips.
Why did crap like this always happen to me?
I let myself slide completely off the couch, hitting the floor with a small thud. "Oww." I grunted as my elbow met the corner of the table, sending ripples of pain through my already uncomfortable skin.
It was freezing, so I was bundled up in most of the clothes I fell asleep in, which were the ones Gabe gave me to wear the previous night, when we all snuck out to play in the snow.

That had been fun, though I still couldn't feel my toes from it. We'd ended up staying outside for hours, only heading back inside when the first tendrils of sunlight began to illuminate the sky. Mr.Way found out we'd gotten outside when he arrived at the block this morning, waking us up at 8:30 A.M., only three hours after we'd went to sleep. Gabe played it off casually, telling Mr.Way that he'd forgot to lock the door, and that's how we got out.
Of course, if he told him he'd stolen a key from him, he probably would have gotten on to all of us for going along with Gabe's antics...Though it was actually my fault.
Knowing me, I was probably going to end up getting sick from it, but it was worth it.

I reluctantly pulled myself off of the floor, crushing Gabe's tacky coat,with the fake fur hood, to my chest. I wagered what I should do now, glancing around the room for hopeful suggestions. My eyes lingered on the large window, which was slightly fogged up from the cold outside. My legs struggled into action, carrying me across the room so that I could press my hand against the freezing glass. The sensation burned on the tips of my fingers, but it was almost pleasant. Seeing the snow beyond the clear barrier, the back of the block adorned with an embarrassingly disfigured snowman that had been crafted by Frankie and Danny, a tiny smile surfaced upon my face.

I turned then,my back to the window, marching out of the living room, down the hall and toward my room. I wasn't sure where everyone was. They were most likely sleeping though, since we'd only gotten a few hours of rest. I pushed my door open to find I was somewhat right.
The lights were off, and loud, steady snores bounced throughout the room, from Gabe's bed. I was tempted to crawl back into my bed as well, but decided against it. If I let myself fall asleep now, I would no doubt be up all night tonight.
Tip toeing across the room, I pulled an extra pair of socks on before grabbing both my comforter and my quilt, draping them around me tightly. I then turned and exited the room, easing the door shut as silently as possible.
I proceeded to bustle back down the hall, pulling a random pair of shoes onto my feet. Mr.Way was in his office, the door shut, so he probably had one of the group in there as well, counseling.

I took the chance to push the back door open, the wind freezing my face into a grimace. The weather was even colder than it had been all day, and the clouds were dark again, signaling that there was probably more snow in the near future.
I stepped out, feet sinking into the pureness that was coating the ground. I was thankful for my covers, but they weren't doing much to keep the cold out. I inched down the wall as if I would fall off of a steep ledge if I stepped too far away from it. When I reached the window that looked into the living room, I lowered myself, sitting over the snow. The covers were warm enough to keep my bottom from at least turning black with frostbite, and oddly enough, the sting of the frigid temperature was relaxing.
My mind seemed to slow down, as did the movements of my body, as if the ice was locking my joints as well as my thoughts.

I let my head loll back after pulling the large hood up, that and my hair keeping my ears just above frozen. A sigh left my lips with a show for my wide eyes, fogging the air as it danced up toward the October sky. I chuckled at the thought.
It was only October 8th, and it was already snowing here. I wasn't very accustomed to cold, as my body wasn't very equipped for it.
Back in Illinois, when it was this cold, Sisky and I would always curl up under a heated blanket together, dedicating our time to watching movies about anything and everything. I suddenly missed him like crazy.
It hurt not having him here. He was my best friend from home, and feeling such extensive lack of warmth caused me to realize just how important those movie nights really were. I couldn't do that now, and it killed me.

My fingers curled around my scarf, pulling it around my neck tighter, until it was almost difficult to breathe. I envisioned Sisky just suddenly materializing before me, that ridiculous grin plastered on his face, blabbering on about a new movie he wanted to see, and how it was my turn to order pizza.
It used to annoy me, but now I found it highly ironic that I missed it.

I pulled my covers closer as I tried to will my memories away. I didn't want to remember right now; I'd came out here to get away from my ever nagging mind, and my dilemma with Michael, only to be plagued by something new.
My ears took in a noise to my far left, tumbling it around my eardrums sluggishly, but my brain didn't comprehend it, so it was no surprise that the sudden voice caused me to jolt into a very tense sitting position.
"Why are you out here?" My eyes rolled up to glimpse Travis' gorgeous, questioning smile, his blue eyes and orange hair a bright contrast against the snow.
"Trying to run away from drama." I answered bluntly, before extending my left arm to open the covers up. The air swiveled under my clothes and into my skin. He nodded before sitting beside me, pulling the blankets around him as well. His body heat chased the coolness away from my side, and I was glad he'd come out here because his warmth was more effective than the materials the blankets were made of.
His face was still graced with a smile as he nuzzled close to me. "I don't think snow will run drama off. It might even cause more if you're out here long enough, like if you get hypothermia." He responded comfortingly, his voice soft, comforting in my situation.

"I take it things didn't go well with Chizzy." He added after a few long moments of silence, cutting his eyes my way for no more than a second before turning them to the tree. It was odd; there were still a decent amount of leaves on the Oak, considering the snow had fallen so suddenly, they hadn't even all fallen off before it happened.
They would be gone within the next few days though, that I was sure of. I returned my attention to the words he'd just spoken.
"Not at all. It was the most awkward thing in the world, Trav." I almost whined to him, letting my head rest on my shoulder sullenly.
"Well..."
He began, but trailed off, as if considering what he was going to say, and if it was the right thing or not.

"Maybe you two should, you know? Get together?" He finally suggested, turning his intense eyes on me full attention.
I felt my eyes widen at his suggestion. "Trav, I'm not gay!" I almost squealed in return, watching a flash of uncertainty sneak over his face.
"I know, but maybe you should try to experiment." He continued, acting as though the guidance was as easy as it sounded, which it definitely wasn't.
"I dunno." I exhaled, placing a fist under my chin to hold my head up, running the thought over every crevice in my mind.
"What have you got to lose?" He quipped smartly, a minuscule smirk hinting at his face, knowing he was right in some way or another.

"Uh, a friend? My reputation as straight? I'm sure there's plenty that I have to lose." I retorted, brushing my hair from my face with enough frustration that it looked more like I was trying to slap myself. I couldn't ruin my friendship with Chizzy anymore than I already had. I couldn't.
"You worry too much. Wasn't it you that pushed me to get with Danny?"
"Sort of?" I shrugged in return, having a feeling of where he was heading with this point. There wasn't any way he was going to give up until I at least half-way agreed with him.
"And now,it's one of the best things I've ever done. You never know; maybe it could be the best thing to ever happen to you."
He suddenly grew visibly irritated with himself, seemingly because he was acting pushy, though I wouldn't call it that. He was helping me a lot, even if I wouldn't admit it. I certainly didn't want my friendship with Michael to be tarnished by getting with him, but it was already awkward enough. Besides, maybe he was right.
I worried too much. Maybe it really could be the best thing to ever happen to me.

"Just think about it for a while, but not too much." He coached, pulling me into a halfway hug, me winding my arms around his stomach with a bit of difficulty at the angle we were in. "You're such a great friend." I mumbled against his arm, the warmth emanating from the hug greatly appreciated.
"Really?" I could hear the grin in his voice. "That's pretty good. You know, I didn't have a single friend in this place before moving into this block? Block 10 was an absolute nightmare." He seemed to grow a bit frightened just thinking about his previous block.
"That sucks." I offered back, feeling stupid that this was the only thing I could think to say.
"Yeah, but I guess it was all good in the long run. I mean, I ended up here, and I'm with Danny." Another smile threatened to tear the skin of his face at these words, a relief that he changed his mood so quickly.
I wished I could be as optimistic as he was.

"It's freezing out here. Why don't we go in? I have some covers we could use too, and maybe we can watch a movie. Danny told me that Mr.Way has a few for us in the group room."
The offer sounded nice and all, but I'd came out here to clear my head, so I couldn't go in just yet.
"Um, sure." I forced a weak, fake smile at his offer. "Cool." He jumped to his feet, knocking the covers off of both of us with the sudden action.
"Let's go." He motioned with a wave of the hand as he took a step closer to the edge of the wall. "Uh, yeah. I'll be in right behind you. I'm gonna take a few more seconds to think about everything you said again." I explained half-heartedly, hoping he would understand.

Thankfully, he did. "Sure thing. I'll go get my blankets and then check out the movies." He didn't waste anymore time before disappearing around the corner of the building, heading for the door to go back inside.
When I was alone again, a rush of air released itself from my lungs. I watched it billow from my mouth languidly, churning as it met the air and became visible. It was a subtle shade of gray that expanded outward in almost bubble-like motions.
It was like a tiny instance of deja-vu.
I didn't want to remember it, but my mind took over then, leaving me a helpless witness. Before my eyes, the snow turned into a colorful variation of reds, yellows, and oranges, as the leaves seemed to replace themselves on the trees again, and instead of being alone here, I saw Gabe standing before me. His chest was pressed against mine, and my heart was going wild in fear and a bit of excitement to know what would happen next.
A cigarette dangled from his lips, smoke dancing from the glowing tip. He sucked the smoke in deeply before leaning close, blowing it into my lungs.

I blinked. That's what my breath reminded me of. Seeing my breath in the air like it was now took me back to two days ago, when Gabe was out here, and there was no snow, and I was against the tree, while he forced the acrid smoke into my lungs.
That was a lie though. He didn't exactly hold a knife to my neck and demand that I inhale the putrid concoction. That was of my own accord, and I had no idea why I had done that. I hated the smell of cigarettes, much less the smoke and the way it burned in my throat when I went anywhere around it.
It was like I'd been hypnotized by the way he moved. There was a way about him, an odd one. He just loved pushing my buttons, and got a rise on my reactions, no matter what reaction he got.
A bitter taste filled my mouth, like when you breathe with your lips parted for too long and your mouth dries out, as I considered this scenario.

He could be so confusing. One day he was a complete asshole and I couldn't stand to look at him. The next, he was a complete enigma, that acted as if he knew exactly what he was doing, drawing me in to know more about him. Then, he was actually a nice person, considerate even, but then, something would happen and he would go back to being an asshole.
It was so fucking confusing, it made my head hurt.

The day with the smoke incident, he'd been the second of these three personalities; he had acted as if he had complete control of every single detail of the situation, and I couldn't help but be drawn closer.
I remembered something in his deep brown eyes then, from that instance when he'd blown the smoke in my face. His eyes were terribly unguarded, and I saw several emotions in them that I hadn't seen before.
He seemed almost like a normal person then, while at the same time, the strangest, most unusual being to ever come across.
It was too hard to understand for me to dwell on anymore. Maybe in a few days, he'd decide to be suave and alluring again, so I could get another peek at those opened up eyes.
Maybe I could even catch something new in them, that might even completely change my outlook on him. Maybe even understand him a bit more.

"Haha. Good one Guillermo." I could hear his Spanish voice laugh inside my head, causing a smirk to surprise even myself.
Gabe, er, the recreation of Gabe's voice in my head, was right. It probably wouldn't happen again, considering my shitty luck.
I stood stiffly then, pulling my blankets off of the snow covered ground as well, bundling them up in my arms and heading toward the block door, figuring Travis had been waiting long enough, and I needed to get back inside and away from being alone with myself.
It was dangerous.
Also, I decided before pulling the door open, that I was going to settle things with Chizzy tomorrow, whether that meant resulting in a good way or a bad one.