Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match

"Eww, that's disgusting!" Frankie practically squealed as Gabe stuck his tongue out, showing off his finely chewed up Spaghetti. Most of the table laughed at the reaction pulled from Frank, though I didn't really get what was so amusing about showing off chewed up food in the first place.
I stabbed at the noodles in my tray without interest, not very hungry at the moment. It was lunch and I'd yet to have a chance to talk to Chizzy, which could have been taken as a good thing considering I had no idea what I was going to say to him.
Grapes were catapulted from Danny's fork, bombing Gabe like a mini Hiroshima; Danny wasn't the best grape catupolter after all, as more of the grapes pegged me than they did his intended target.

"Okay. Stop wasting the poor grapes." Brendon laughed in his usual, over-enthusiastic manner that caused the rest to join in.
I was always the one left unable to join in on the laughing, like the freak I was. I propped my chin up on my palm, sighing out as much air as I could before finally deciding to drop my fork onto the plastic tray, a loud clank emanating from the action.
All sets of eyes gathered around the table flitted toward me at the action.

"You okay Billvy?" Danny inquired, a curious twinge lacing into his cerulean eyes, but I hurried to wave it off. "Tired." I fibbed, and the answer seemed like a good enough one for them considering they all returned to what they were doing before.
I was debating on whether or not I should dump my tray and head outside to brave the cold or not, but thankfully didn't have to make the decision.
"William?" The familiar voice pulled my eyes from the mushed up grapes in front of me, to those gray-blue eyes, and messy blond hair.
My heart kicked into a new, more nervous rhythm at the sight of Michael, but I tried to control it and act unfazed as I let a weak smile crook my lips.
"Hey Chiz." A coy smile flashed across his face as he stuffed his hands into his pockets, nodding his head at the rest of the table in acknowledgment before returning his attention to me.

"I was wondering if we were still on for our music session today." He half questioned, half stated, and my response was perhaps a bit too rushed. "Of course. When?"
He smiled almost in a relieved manner. "Okay, after finished eating I guess."
It was impossible to avoid the glance I received from Travis, his sky blue eyes screaming 'You have to do something now.'
I stood from the table quickly, my knee making a small, but crude contact with the bottom of the table in my sudden movement.
"I'm not really hungry, so we can go ahead now." I rambled, reaching for my tray, but Gabe put a hand out to stop me.
"Leave it here. I'm gonna eat the bread-sticks." He almost growled past a mouthful of his own food; almost like a dog.

"Um..sure." I was pelted with several more grapes, ones that Danny was thumping from Brendon's tray as I walked past them, catching the flash of a smile on Trav's face. I found my way to Chizzy's side, awkwardly, pulling my coat as close as possible in an attempt to retain warmth.
"Guillermo!" Gabe's voice bellowed from the table behind us, a low grumble managing to force past my lips before I wheeled around to find what the point in yelling at me was.
"Bring your scrawny white-boy ass over here for a second." He demanded. Chizzy and I exchanged unsure expressions before I begrudgingly returned to the table. I watched him, as well as everyone else, as he took his time eating the rest of his bread-stick before telling me what I was standing beside him for. "You should have wore that coat I gave to you. It's freezing outside ya know?" He gestured a spindly finger toward the snow covered window across the cafeteria before winding and arm behind him, pulling his own coat off the back of his chair and throwing it at my face.

"I swear you're going to end up with pneumonia the way you traipse around here like that." I felt so stupid; I wasn't sure what to say to him, the way he was actually being sincerely kind about something, much less in front of everyone else who, upon examining, were just as surprised as I was.
"You're in a short sleeved shirt. I-I'm not taking your coat." I stumbled out holding the thick black fabric in my hands like it burned to touch. It was one of those awkward situations that felt so easy to avoid, but still somehow seemed to poke through from somewhere.
He waved his fork at me before stabbing a grape and cramming it into his mouth. "I have a feeling that I have a better immune system than you. Just take it." He sounded completely nonchalant as usual, but I was wondering if there was some catch that would go along with accepting the offer.
"But-" I was interrupted before even getting two words out as he firmly repeated "It's no big deal. Just take the stupid jacket. Ay Dios."

I had a small urge to toss it back at him and snark off something cruel, but ultimately decided against making myself look like a dickhead, pulling the pea-coat on and muttering an unsure thank you before returning to Chizzy.
"Alright." He murmured to me under his breath, just loud enough that I could hear it over the dull buzz of the rest of the patients here.
"I know..."
He pushed the glass doors open to let the flurry of blistering cold surround us like a quilt. I hated when it was so cold that it literally hurt. I curled inward as we trekked through the snow, he leading me the opposite way that we usually went. Instead of heading right for my block, we went left, directing toward block three, his block.
I was a bit nervous; I'd never been in another block yet, and I didn't know anyone, which I would probably run into sometime after they came in from break.
"There's something I think I should tell you." He sighed as we hurried down the covered concrete pathway to the block's door.
I was numb from the biting cold, but I could clearly feel my stomach drop. Tell me something? Shit.

Panic flooded through-out me at his words as my mind kicked into overdrive. What could he want to tell me? Surely it had to do with how awkward things had been since the whole kiss thing.
He was probably going to tell me that we shouldn't hang out anymore because it was all a mistake, and he didn't want me around.
I didn't even notice when we reached the door. "William? Are you going to come in?" He inquired, he already standing in the doorway and holding it open for me.
I felt my already flushed face darken at this, stuttering some small one syllable word out in response before stepping inside.
Though I expected it, I still took in every detail of this block, which was identical to Eight, down to the colors on the walls and everything.
"We can talk in my room." He explained as we pushed our shoes off and headed down the hall. I gulped as we passed their living room, then their meeting room, then the hall leading toward the offices. We were close to the inhabitant rooms, I just wondered which one he was in.

"Here it is. Careful, it's a little messy." He warned, pushing open the second door, which was the same as the one Travis and Danny shared in Eight.
Messy? Hah. It was twice as clean as my room, but that was partly because of who I had to share my room with. No, his room was basically immaculate, save for a few shirts strewn over the floor. "Y-you call this messy?" I struggled for words as the bad feeling in my stomach worsened. Now that we reached his room, there was no telling what was in store. I didn't have a good feeling that it would end up being particularly enjoyable.

"So...T-there was something you wanted to tell me?" I forced myself to interrogate when he had his coat pulled off and neatly placed on his bed, which he then sat on. He patted the mattress beside him to tell me to join him, but I almost couldn't unglue my feet from where I was standing. When I was tensely situated beside him, a loud, drawn out sigh left his mouth.
"Um, yeah...You remember what happened the other day?" He began, sounding just as uneasy as I did. My throat restricted, and the texture of his lips covering mine returned it seemed, as I gave a small nod.
"Well..." He trailed off to weave his long fingers into his hair, struggling for what to say. I flinched. I just knew what was about to come from his mouth. He was going to drop me here. I could feel it.
I felt secret tears pricking at the backs of my eyes at the fear of this; I didn't want that to happen.

"William..I haven't been able to stop thinking of it..." He stated, a bit frankly before darting his eyes toward me. I chose to keep mine on my fidgeting hands instead, waiting for him to just say it.
"I said I wasn't gay, and I'm not William, but...I think I like..you." His words came out in a rush, saying the exact opposite of what I was expecting, so I didn't quite register it for several moments.
When it finally clicked, my eyes were to the point of bursting from their sockets in shock; they rolled to meet his. "Huh?"
He rang his hands together as he waited for a more appropriate answer from me, but I couldn't think of what to say.
Did he really say what my ears heard?!

"This probably complicates everything." His voice was no more than a small huff as he said this, pulling at a loose thread on his pants, just waiting for something. I didn't know what to do. I'd never been in a situation like this. I didn't want to let it slip through my fingers either, though.
I scooted closer to him on the bed, not much, but enough to notice. "N-not really, because I think I feel something for you too.."
I shocked even myself for being able to say this, because I honestly wasn't even sure if it was true or not.

"Well," He seemed to brighten up a bit at my response, keeping our eyes tangled together as he suggested "Well...Maybe we should kind of, you know? Try that out.."
I felt my face was still blush laden, and this didn't help. "You mean like..be a couple?"
He shrugged his broad shoulders uncertainly at me. "I mean, maybe.." There was a stark silence that filtered into the room for several seconds as I mulled the idea over in my head, considering every consequence.
If I said yes, there was no telling what could happen, but If I said no, there would be no doubt that it would ruin our friendship.

Nevertheless, I felt an undisguised smile spreading across my face. The thought somehow made me happy. Not being alone; having someone, even if it was only for now.
"O-kay." I obliged, grateful for today.
"Good." He breathed, letting it all settle in before finding his guitar and replacing himself on the bed. "Shall we now?"
I was glad that we were going to get back to the old routine now, without worrying if things were going downhill or not.
"Of course."

I'd ended up staying with him until seven, long enough to finish the song, with plenty of time left over to talk about anything and everything. Before long, the dark was taking over the sky, and I knew I'd been here too long.
We exchanged unwilling goodbyes and I hurried back to my block in almost a run, not wanting to be out any longer than necessary. When I reached my block, all was the same. The group was gathered around the tv watching some show on Spike TV, counting down top ten stupid wipe-outs or something.
"Hey guys." I offered a quick greeting, which barely went as noticed, pulling the pea-coat off and placing it in Gabe's lap. He gave out a loud grunt in return, keeping his eyes glued to the fluorescent glow of the television.
"I'm going to get a shower." I reported, though I knew no one was really listening.

When I had my jacket on my bed and a warm set of pajamas bundled in my arms, I padded across the hall to the shower room. It seemed like the only room in the block that was decently warm, but having the warmest water possible to run down from the shower head wasn't that bad either. I left my change of clothes on the bench in the corner and crawled into the shower stall furthest from the door.
Steam poured from the water as it engulfed my body, sliding off of me and toward the porcelain tiles under my feet, though it felt as if my skin soaked out all the heat from the drops before they left it.

I slicked my now soaked hair back, reaching for the shampoo. I couldn't remember who's it was, but it smelled nice, so I used it, lathering it into my hair meticulously. My ears were so in tune to the sound of the water crashing onto the tile floor of the shower that I never heard the door open.
"Billvy, hey." A small wrap was knocked out on the flimsy stall door, scaring me. I peeked over the top of the door to meet Travis' light blues.
"Sorry for barging in, when I suppose I could wait, but I have to know what happened." He let these words all slew out in one eager breath, waiting for a play-by-play of whatever happened.

"Umm...Well..." I drug the moment out for several long seconds, deciding on what I should say to him about it.
"Oh, come on! Dish!" He practically begged, running an absent minded hand through his orange curls. I couldn't help but smile at how impatient he was for an answer, so I let it drag out for another prolonged moment to rinse the shampoo out of my hair.
"Well...I guess you could say I'm unofficially taken?"

The reaction that derived from this statement was unable to explain in just a few words, really. He instantly threw his arms up in the air, letting his head fall back to squeal out a peel of loud, shrieking celebration, while his body pulled him into some strange victory dance, one that you might expect to see on a weird Lady Gaga video or something.
I simply laughed at his merriment he got from something like this, pouring a good bit of conditioner into my hair, massaging it into my scalp.
The victory dance was interrupted by yet another intruder. The door swung open, a cold draft settling into the room, as well as Danny. He wore an interrogative expression, one fine eyebrow arched.
"What's with all the squealing in here?"
Though there was a door concealing my body, I still instinctively wrapped my arms around my body, exclaiming "Get out of here. I'm indecent."
This only further progressed his interest in what may be going on, he taking another few long strides to stand close to Travis.
"Yeah, get out. He's naked." Travis agreed, giving a very light nudge to the dirty blond, in the direction he'd came in.
He didn't budge, placing a finger to his chin.
"But Trav's in here..." He proclaimed, tapping out a silent rhythm on his chin, as if to signal that he was thinking about something critical.

"Wait..Trav, you better not be cheating on me with him. Unless you video it of course, or I'm in on it." A large grin threatened to overpower his face as he said this, alerting us that he was only joking.
"Get out, Perv." I feigned repulsion as I spat this, causing a laugh from the two. I tilted my head under the shower head to rinse the conditioner out as well, listening to the lovely couple exchange small words that, no matter how insignificant they sounded, meant everything to them.
"Well, we'll be in the room if you need us, Buddy." Travis concluded the conversation with a small wink in my direction, letting me know that whenever we had alone time again, I was going to be forced to dish on every little detail that happened.