Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match

Bill

A week. A whole week since that day when Chizzy proposed that we try being a couple. Travis was still the only one who knew unless he told Danny, but somehow I didn't care. So far, it turned out to be the best week I'd had in well over four years. The thought of Chizzy being 'mine' was still sort of awkward, but it filled me to the brim with glee.
It was just what I needed; someone for me. Everyone in the block noted how I seemed to be extremely happy, happier than usual, for no apparent reason. Mr.Way even pulled me to the side to ask during therapy, but I simply told him I was just having a good week.

"Billvy? Are you going to check this out or just stare at your Mashed Potatoes?" Gabe snorted next to me, laughing so hard that he could barely even suck in breath to produce his 'chicken laugh'. Chizzy recently moved to our table to sit with us during the course of the week, everyone guffawing at the sight of Brendon with carrot juliennes jammed up his nose. It was oddly familiar to something you'd expect in a pre-school, but I found myself joining in on the laughing just because it was that ridiculously stupid.
"Brendon, you look sort of like a mentally retarded walrus." Bob chortled, only further encouraging laughter.
I hadn't laughed so hard in so long, my sides hurt, almost like not using a car for months, then trying to randomly crank it; it was difficult to work with. That's how I felt, my laugh a foreign twinge to my ears.

"Would you losers shut the fuck up?!" Someone from a neighboring table yelled angrily at the excess of noise we were making. Of course we didn't listen, becoming oxygen deprived as Brendon shot the carrots from his nose with two sharp exhales of air through his blocked breathing passages.
"God, we're so lame." Danny's voice was winded from all of his booming laughs that tumbled from his chest.
"Oh, hey." Chizzy nudged my arm as he leaned close so that only I could hear what he spoke.

"Should we go ahead and go now? I think that if we get a head-start today, we'll be able to finish this song."
So we'd been working like mad with our music. We'd already completed one song, and were almost finished with another; it was becoming somewhat of a passion for me now.
"Sure, I'm excited to finish this one." I responded, pulling my coat on, which wasn't literally mine, but one Gabe insisted that I wear, even if it looked dorky with all the faux fur on the hood. It was warm though, which was all that counted really.
"Going already?" Travis inquired while poking at a celery stick on his tray, debating on eating it or not.
"Yeah, we're almost finished with another song, so we wanna get started a little early so we might be able to finish it today." I explained, plucking my tray from the table and giving a quick goodbye to everyone before following Chiz toward the dump line.
Whenever we had our leftover food dumped in the trash and our trays in a lunchladie's hands, we bustled out the door and into the snow.
It snowed again on Tuesday, leaving about three inches on the ground, and the weather reports said more may fall tonight, which meant Mr.Way may not even show up tomorrow either. (He wasn't here today because the roads were too slick to drive on.)
A gust of wind came from nowhere, forcing me against his side for any warmth I could find. "Holy crap." I shivered violently as the chill set into my bones. The block seemed so far away when you had to walk it in below freezing weather, so it felt almost like a victory dance was appropriate after such a grueling walk.
"Ughh, why are these blocks always so cold? You would think they'd at least kick the heat up a little bit during the winter." He grumbled, sanding his hands together as we pushed the door securely shut.

I kicked my shoes off and hurried to the very first room at the end of the hall, which was really just an empty living quarter room next to the Iso room. He followed closely behind, finding his guitar on the bed to the right side of the room, where he put it before lunch break. He pulled the strap on and strummed several chords to warm up.
"It's hard to grip the stupid pick when I can barely even move my fingers because they're so frozen." He chuckled, wriggling his fingers in an attempt to work the stiffness out of them.

"Ready?" I nodded, clearing my throat. He began the guitar riff for this newest song, one that I was sort of proud of so far.
I let the words flow from my throat as naturally as I could, relaxing as I did; singing sort of dulled the sharp edges of my mind at times, the troubles around me temporarily petering away.

We were almost half-way through the song when I spotted something on the floor. I continued to sing as I observed it, not quite sure what it was. It looked similar to a dark brown clump of fuzz pressed against where the wall met the floor, and I was sure that's what it was until long, spindly legs began maneuvering it across the floor.
"Oh my God!" I yelped, jerking my feet from the floor and tucking them under me.
"What?" He stopped playing the guitar to gaze my way curiously, his eyes asking what caused me sudden discontinuance of singing.
"There's a fucking huge spider there!" I pointed a finger at it as I fought to control my composure, but it was hard. I absolutely hated bugs, and spiders were at the top of the list; who could blame me though? They were so gross and ugly, and evil.
He spotted it at the exact moment it broke into a skin crawling run, darting under the other bed.

"Ew, eww. Chiz, kill it!" I practically cried, waving my still pointed finger in the direction it disappeared, much like an idiot.
"It's just a spider." He laughed, but this didn't do anything to ease my mind. He sighed with a bit of humor before crawling off the bed and grabbing an old book from the floor and sliding to his hands and knees to peer under the bed.
"Where'd you go, Mate? I need to squish you." He spoke to it as he ducked his head under the bed, looking for it.
"Ah, there it goes." He hopped up and crossed toward the end of the bed, expertly slamming the book down on it.
"That should've done the trick." He muttered, picking the book back up to examine fresh spider guts plastered to the hard cover.
"Eww." I wrinkled my nose up at the sight, but let go a relieved breath. "Thank you so much!" I gushed whenever he returned to the bed, pulling him into a small hug.
"You're my hero!" It was hard not to smile at the warm feeling that simmered in my stomach, seeming to warm my whole body by a couple of degrees. "Hero, huh? Aussie bug killer." He joked lightly, a tiny laugh emanating from his throat as he did.
The stillness that took the room captive was both awkward and comfortable at the same time, and I could almost feel his heartbeat through his coat, feeling me with happiness.

"I can live with that one." He tilted my head back so that our eyes locked together intensely, a concentration between us that felt near perfect. His face neared mine slowly, and that piercing flutter in my stomach wrenched into me again, my heart-rate accelerating so quickly, my head spun a bit.
Lips connected to mine gingerly, slowly and still covered with timid courage. I had only kissed someone about three times now so I wasn't sure what I was doing really, but that didn't stop me from curling a hand into his blond hair, daringly, and molding my lips into a motion that mirrored his. I leaned closer to him as his palms ventured up to hold my face close to his, mouths breaking for only a moment to ensue a tighter bond.
The connection only really locked in place when I heard a small noise, a clicking sound and before I could react, the door flung open behind me.

"What the fuck?!" A Spanish twinged accent. I cringed as I jerked into an erect sitting position, breaking away from Michael to move my wide eyes to the door. Gabe looked taller than ever standing in the doorway, his shockingly dark eyes set on the two of us with a fierce glimmer in them. The wicked contortion on his face had me to the point that I would prefer to fall into a giant pit of razorblades than stay under such an intense glare.
"William, come here." A tremor shot down my spine at the sound of his voice, that I'd never heard sound so menacing; it felt almost like it had cut me open with the sharpness to it.
"But-" I began to shoot down the idea of going anywhere with him with how deranged he looked, but he instantly cut me off, yelling "Now!"

The strength of his voice startled me so much that I found myself on my feet before a second passed, my frame quaking not from the cold, but from fear.
"Chislett, go back to your block now." He demanded. Chizzy didn't give it time to simmer before standing, packing his guitar into it's case and walking past us. "I'll see you later." He offered a weak smile to me as he hurried by.
I'd never witnessed such a thorough silence as the one that surrounded us as we listened to Chizzy walk down the hall, pull his shoes on and open the door. It wasn't until the door shut behind him that Gabe even blinked.
"What the fuck did I just see?" His voice was teeming with caustic fury as he questioned this, his low tone only further adding to the eeriness.

"W-what did it look like?" I dared to snap back, but regretted it as soon as it lept from my tongue.
"I tell you to watch out around him and the next thing I know, you're fucking kissing him?! What the hell is wrong with you, you fucking idiot!" He let go of any control he had as he began to downright scream in my face.
I wasn't even able to come up with a response to how he was acting, I was so terrified. "Are you with him?!"
I didn't answer, but instead let my eyes meet my feet, as I couldn't force myself to stare back into those eyes.
"Well?!" He grew even more furious when I didn't answer him.
"Y-yes. I was going to t-tell you when I found the ap-p-p-propriate time." I answered, stutters and stumbles shredding my words in my all too humbled voice.

"What? Going to tell me?! How long have you fucking been with him William?" I felt my veins freeze over as his voice only continued to escalate, growing more menacing with each word he belted into my face.
"A w-week.." I meekly replied, the answer not fitting into the air. "What is wrong with you? I thought we were friends here, dammit!"
I tried to object and say that we were, but he didn't allow me time to speak. "Friends don't keep shit from each other! Not something like this!"

I felt moisture clouding my vision as he said this because I didn't understand what I did to deserve him screaming at me like this.
"What else are you keeping from me?" He continued to rant, ramming his foot against the wall with enough force that I was amazed it didn't fall before my eyes.
"Nothing! Why are you so pissed?!" I was amazed that I was able to control my voice enough to yell back at him, though it was nowhere near as loud as he was.

"Because! Damn, you're so fucking pitiful!" He gnarled anger driven fingers into his hair, distressing it into a mess while he spoke these words, which were the point where I decided I'd had enough.
"Why don't you lay off? It's none of your business!" I growled, my voice wavering more than I wanted it to regardless.
A flicker of surprise stormed over his face for several inaudible moments as he mulled this over in his head.

When he finally responded, the words he chose were ones that wrenched my gut into thousands of tiny pieces, the pain pulling me down.
"Okay then, but when he rapes you too, don't come crying to me. See if I fucking give a shit." His voice sounded devoid of any emotion other than hate as he spat them in my face, watching with almost satisfaction as I sucked a breath in and held it.
Did he really just say that to me? It was as if the sturdy floor beneath me gave way, opening up to that ocean that I never wanted to fall into again. The one that I was drowning in for almost three years prior to coming here.
The one that was originally built up after the rape, that pulled me under with the depressive tide. I could feel the fish swim around my body, made of razor-sharp metal that slashed my skin open so that the water could seep into me, consume me completely.

He couldn't have said it. He couldn't. I didn't feel anything except the pain taking hold of me, and the fresh, hot tears that burned like fire as they left my eyes and crashed from my chin, adding to the ocean.
He was still watching me, scrutinizing my expression, how his words effected me. I thought I heard a small sob build in my chest as I swiped at the collecting wetness on my face before pushing past him in a rush, deciding that I would run anywhere, and when it was time for the cafeteria to take a break, I would stow away there; it would be easy to steal a fillet knife, one that could tear away at expectant skin with absolutely no trouble at all.