Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match

Bill

7:30 A.M. That's what time the clock told my blurry eyes it was as I stumbled down the hallway, smoothing my wild hair down. Gabe wasn't in bed, so I figured something may be wrong, otherwise I would have just rolled back over in my bed and fell back asleep. It was eerily quiet, so I almost wondered if anyone was even in the block. I shuffled into the Living Room, straining to see in the near dark, the morning light cracking through the blinds supplying the only light.
Brendon was sprawled out on the couch, curled up with Ryan under a quilt, while Gabe sat in front of them on the floor, his long legs wound under the coffee table as if he was guarding them.
He must have woke hours ago and came in here with them, because he looked stiff, as if he'd been sleeping in such an awkward sitting position for some time. I tip-toed over to the table, checking the water bottles; we'd been going through plenty of them the past two days, since Ryan had come home from the doctor. He was diagnosed with a stomach flu, and no more than four hours after he rejoined us, Brendon began puking too. The doctor told Mr.Way to make sure they stayed hydrated, or else they would end up in the hospital, hooked up to an IV drip.
There were four water bottles lined up on the table, one on it's side. Only one contained anything, and it was barely enough for two drinks. I knew they would be needing more as soon as possible, and the only way to retrieve more would be by going to the cafeteria. My first instinct was to wake Gabe up, but I decided against it, knowing he was up most of the night taking care of the sick couple.

I hurried back to the room, pulling on an extra layer of clothing, and a coat, before heading back down the hall and toward the door. I was pulling a pair of Frankie's boots on, because they were the only ones there that were warm, feeling strange in the female styled shoes. I took a deep breath and pulled the coat's hood up over my ears, not ready to brave the snow so early.
I twisted the doorknob, just barely hearing the faint voice from the end of the hall. "Billvy? Where are you going?"
I craned my neck to glance over my shoulder, spotting Danny standing in front of the bathroom door, eyes squinted from freshly waking. "I'm going to get water from the ca-f-feteria." I answered as hushed as possible, jogging in his direction so that we wouldn't have to speak loud, risking waking everyone. When I was closer, a smirk tilted his thick lips, eyes on my feet.
"Nice boots. Goes great with the faux fur hood." He noted sarcastically, pressing the bathroom door open. "Haha." I scoffed in return, turning back around in pursuit for the door, but he called after me before I'd taken three steps.
"If you wait a minute, I'll get a coat and go with you." He offered one-sidedly, stepping into the bathroom and behind the door as if to say that I didn't really have a choice.
I waited at the door while he gathered his coat, and whatever else he was getting, it being at least five minutes before he was stepping in front of the door with me. He pulled on a pair of shoes,tied them, and pulled the door open without any hesitation. The cold was like a fist ramming into my stomach, but he didn't seem too affected by it.
"Come on, Billvy." He motioned for me to follow as he stepped out of the door, his legs disappearing into the snow by at least six inches. It looked like more snow may poor from the sky at any moment, too, to my misfortune.
"So..."
He decided this walk couldn't go without conversation, wracking his brain for something to say. It made me think, there had hardly been a time when I was stuck with him, alone. Sure, I was around him plenty, since he and Gabe were almost inseparable, but alone? No. It was strange, to put it bluntly. "Have you gotten used to a life with no freedom yet?" He inquired, cutting his cerulean eyes my way, squinting against a gust of icy wind that beat against us, as if it had hopes of hindering our trek.
"Seriously? How could you even ask that?" I chuckled back, unable to believe such an inquiry could come out of someone else's mouth. "Joking." He sniggered, folding his large hands into his coat pocket. "You never get used to it. It's living hell."
That was definitely true. I'd never been accustomed to going out of my house when I was still at home, being more comfortable locked in my room, but I still missed the privilege of being able to if I wished.
"Amen to that." I agreed half-heartedly, finding it rather pathetic that even a trip to a supermarket would reign a privilege now.

The blocks looked so small now that they were engulfed in fluffs of white, I unable to believe just how much snow there was now. Why couldn't it just be a bit warmer? "I never thanked you." He spoke suddenly, just when a heavy silence had dominated us; his words confused me. Thanked me?
"For what, exactly?" I responded cautiously, honestly expecting a joke or something of that nature, but his face showed only seriousness. "Travis and I...I have a good feeling about it." He admitted, while fighting against a small but sincere smile. "I'm the happiest I've been in a long time." He added, finishing with a nervous cough. He obviously wasn't the biggest on speaking such personal thoughts, but I couldn't deny how happy just hearing this little bit made me.
"And you're thanking me why?" He peered toward me like I had retard written on my face, expecting me to have already known the answer to that.
"You're the one that encouraged it. That's why I'm thanking you, Dork." He explained before lightly shoving me on the shoulder, disturbing my balance just enough that I had to step sideways to regain it. "Don't mention it." I couldn't curb the smile that floated to the surface of my face. It made my face ache, not only from how unusual it was, but from the cold threatening to freeze it there.
"Wow. A smile. Haven't you already used your monthly smile?" He jeered upon this action, getting a roll from my eyes.
"Oh hush." He didn't waste any time in continuing though, suggesting "Now you just need to make our little ginger sing."
I raised an eyebrow his way, only vaguely noticing that we were already at the intersection of block 7 and block 8's sidewalks.

"Huh?" I was barely able to utter it before he let a loud scoff ripple from his throat. "Get him to sing. You know, that some people do really good? I remember him mentioning he sang when we first started really talking, and I've been wondering since."
It was quite an odd request if I did say so myself, but in a way it made sense as well. "Did you already try?"
He nodded as he pulled the cafeteria's door open. The smell of breakfast that the lunch-ladies were beginning to prepare hit us just as strongly as the cold had.
"Yeah, but he's shy." His voice lost a bit of it's power suddenly as we stepped into the cafeteria, though I hadn't the slightest clue why. I snuck a peek at his face, but it didn't look particularly different than it had five seconds ago. "Where's the water at?"
He cleared his throat, rubbing his hands together to soak up as much warmth as he could before we had to return to the brutal weather outside.
"In the fridge. Where else?" I retorted, leaving no time for a comeback before hurrying across the floor and to the refrigerators. "Here." I opened the top of the fridge and began grabbing water bottles, handing him five and grabbing four for me to carry, that way no one would have to come back for a while. "Okay, now let's hurry back before we freeze to death." I urged quickly, jogging back to the door, wanting to practically run back to the block and snuggle up under my blankets.
It wasn't until I was at the door that I realized Danny wasn't following. "Danny?" I turned around ready to ask him what he was doing, but I didn't speak upon seeing his drastically changed appearance.

All the color that had just been in his face was now missing, leaving him eerily pale as opposed to his usual tan. Setting the bottles on a nearby table, he rushed to the closest trashcan. Oh no. I instantly knew what was about to happen.
He barely had time to pull his hair from his face before a deep wretch captured him. I hurried to his side in time to hear the first mouthful of vomit contacting random articles of trash in the trashcan, the sound making me feel a little sick myself, but I didn't dare show it. Like any good friend should do, I took hold of his hair for him, making sure not a single strand would be in the way of any puke. Another gag, more puke. Both of his hands gripped onto the rim of the trashcan, knuckles turning white from the pressure. I felt so bad for the poor guy as he emptied his stomach into a cafeteria trashcan, my free hand raising to rub sympathetic circles on his shoulder.
A cafeteria worker must have heard the insanely loud gagging, because several peeked out from the kitchen, expressions twisted in horror. Just when I began to think he would never stop puking, he was able to catch a breath. "I think I'm done." He croaked, not moving his head a bit. "Could you get me some napkins?" I ran toward the back table, containing the napkins, without a word, grabbing several of them and speeding back to his side.
"Thanks.." He coughed, rubbing the excess from his face and tossing the napkins into the trash afterward. He spit the bad taste out as well, before finally leaning up with puppy-dog eyes, his expression implying the words 'Oh dammit. Why did that have to happen here?'
"You too?" I yelped incredulously when he moved away from the bin, retrieving the water bottles again.I grabbed the ones I was supposed to carry as well, only just realizing that I'd tossed them onto the same table on my way to aid him, as amazing as that was; with how bad my luck usually was, I was amazed I hadn't dropped them on the floor. I watched him open one, guzzling approximately half before leading us to the door. "Yeah. I kinda figured it was gonna happen, but I thought I'd have a little more time..."

"I wonder how many other people are going to catch it." I mused aloud, watching him spit again, lip curling up in disgust at the taste that wouldn't wash out. "Hopefully no one else." He shivered as the cold promenaded back into our bones, the snow momentarily blinding me. "I wonder if I can keep Trav away. I really don't want him getting sick because of me." He considered more to himself, the fact that he was coming down with a stomach flu, and would be in torturous condition for the next week or so was still of ancillary importance to Travis sending a bubble of joy through my veins; I had to fight myself just to keep from awwing out loud.
"Not trying to be the bearer of bad news, but you know that he still has a good chance of getting it, whether he's around you or not. I mean, he's been around Ryan and Brendon, and the whole block is teeming with the virus. I won't be surprised if all of us get it."
His eyebrows came down so far, his eyelids bunched over his eyes until they were small slits. "Thanks Billvy. You coulda lied and told me something more along the lines of 'oh don't worry, he won't get sick', but no. You just have to say that."
I shrugged my bony shoulders, though I was sure the thick coat concealed the action.
"Sorry, but it's true."

We made it back to the block shortly, me practically jogging to keep up with Danny's quick pace. He acted like we'd been stuck in the cold for hours when we were safely behind the closed door, pulling our shoes off. "I got snow in these stupid shoes. I think I have frostbite." He whined, acting like the whole puking incident hadn't happened. "Why don't you go lay down?" I wagered, taking the bottles from him, with a bit of difficulty. "I think I'm gonna crash on the floor in the Living Room, just to be safe." He muttered back, turning toward the doorway. "What?" I remembered that they were sleeping very close, clipping my voice to a hushed whisper.
"Why?" It didn't take a genius to know what was to come from his mouth then, Travis' name expected.
"I'm telling you, it's not going to make any difference." I hissed toward him, but he disregarded it, slinking into the Living Room.
Whatever, I thought, slipping away from the place I was currently standing, in pursuit of my room.

"Get out!" A loud shriek emanated from the entry hall before I could get there though, causing me to cringe, crossing my fingers that it didn't wake everyone. I hurried back so that I was standing at the T of halls, in time to see Gabe dart out of Ms.Dougan's office with a devious grin on his face. "Gabe, what the hell are you doing?" I growled, catching his attention. His grin shrank to a smile upon seeing me, but didn't waste time. He grabbed me by the elbow and drug me toward our room about the time Ms.Dougan poked her head out of her door, her usually bitter face turned into an absolutely disgusted glare.
"What did you do to that poor woman?" I interrogated when we were safely away, getting only a laugh in response at first.
"Mixed her files, hid her laptop in empty drawer on her file cabinet; you know, just anything to piss her off."

I couldn't believe he would honestly get into that much mischief in such a short time. He was asleep when I went to the cafeteria, after all. "Why would you do that?" I let my face morph into a disapproving scowl, directed toward him. It was way too early for this, plus, he could have caused Brendon and Ryan to wake up though they needed their rest.
"Because. At first, I was just going to ask her if Mr.Way was coming in or not today, since the weather channel predicts more snow, but she got all snappy. I don't like when people get snappy. I mean, I was actually being nice to her for once, asked her how she was doing and all that shit, but no. She just has to be bitchy." He rambled, pulling our door open and swishing his left arm under the doorway, implying for me to enter first. I did, but kept my eyes on him.
"So I started messing with her shit when she had a call, and it pissed her off. I hope it takes her all day to re-organize those files." He let another wicked snicker tumble from his lips as he flicked the light on, shooting a glimpse toward me.
"So, what's with the water bottles?" He inquired, reminding me that I still had them. I didn't understand how I didn't notice it already.
"Oh. They're for Brendon, Ry, and Danny. I gotta go put these on the table right quick." I turned and darted back out the door, but he was hot on my heels.

"Danny? Why'd you say Danny?" He pressed, looking at the bottles like he was considering grabbing a few to help, but he didn't.
"Yes Danny. He went with me to get these, and threw up while we were down there, so I imagine he's going to start getting the blunt of it soon."
I snuck into the dark Living Room as soundlessly as possible, stepping over Danny and placing them on the table. The seventeen year old lifted his head from the couch pillow he was using, squinting to see who was towering over him. When he realized it was only me, he let his head fall back to the pillow, a small groan muffling behind his lips.
"Poor Danny boy. Not you too." I didn't know how Gabe did it, but he was able to convey an unreal amount of over-dramatic, sarcastic emotion into these whispered words, dropping down beside Danny and throwing his arm around him. "Poor big teddy-bear." He continued, his voice even more hard to hear against Danny's shoulder blade. "Gabey Baby can make it better."
This caused a dry chuckle from the other, who returned "Sorry Gabe. I don't like beaners." "I'm not a beaner!" Gabe stated, perhaps a little louder than he'd bargained for. Ryan stirred, almost waking before his head found the hollow of Brendon's collarbone again.
"Shh!" I warned, but it didn't seem to phase them. "I'm not a beaner. I'm from Uruguay. Get it right, you queef."
I rolled my eyes at the ridiculous sight, not sure who to feel more sorry for; me, for having to see poor Danny in such a predicament, or Danny himself.
"Gabe, leave him alone so he can sleep." I urged then, but left it alone, turning and leaving the room just as silently as I'd entered it.