Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match

Gabe

It felt like I'd just barely gotten to sleep ten minutes ago when before the sound of someone clicking the code to unlock the door pulled me out of my fitful sleep. the door flung open, a bit forcefully for who I knew it was going to be, but I didn't bother moving from the sorry excuse of a bed I was curled up on to watch the glare Mr.Way had set on me. Was it finally 8:00 A.M.? "You better sit up Gabe." He snapped in an incredibly sharp tone, stepping into the room and pushing the door shut. He sounded more furious than usual, so I didn't push my luck. I did as told without much thought on it, and the intensity of the glower on his face that was tacked onto me made me want to hide again.
He wasn't easy to piss off, so when he actually did get genuinely mad, it had a profound effect on my mood as a response. I hated upsetting him because really, he was like my father and wasn't that how a kid was supposed to respond to upsetting their father figure?
"You struck another worker? Gabriel Eduardo, how many times have I told you that is a severe offense?" I cringed at the full name; It didn't matter if I was at least a half a foot taller than him, and twice his size. I couldn't stand it when he raised his voice toward me because it meant I was in the wrong and that meant I was being a failure; I was in the wrong and that was the last place I wanted to be. "And not only that, but you were out of the block? Why the hell were you out of the block? Gabe, what am I going to do with you?"
That last question really struck a chord in me, sending a quiver in my stomach. What am I going to do with you? It stirred a mess of panic into my bloodstream, which almost instantly caused a headache to begin throbbing between my temples. "You aren't thinking of transferring me are you?" I blurted out in an all too terrified sounding voice, which was never my choice of demeanor, but times like this were always tough. I'd had several people who'd been transferred tell me that their councilors had said the exact same thing, What am I going to do with you?, and soon after they decided to transfer them. I couldn't bear that. Not after three years. Sure I'd moved around enough, but Block 8 was the block I was supposed to stay at. Besides, what about Guillermo? I'd made a promise to him. I couldn't just be transferred and leave him there alone.

"What on earth makes you think I would transfer you just because of this, Gabe?" Mr.Way inquired then, sounding a bit anxious about my well-being, as if I would have a nervous breakdown or something stupid like that any second. I wasn't like that though; that was juvenile, he should have known. "I've been through way more serious things with you, that I could have transferred you for, so what would put that in your head?" He continued, moving closer until he could sit on the foot of the bed, his unprofessional slump-backed posture almost calming me down. "Hell if I know. I just don't want to be transferred. It could happen any day of the week."
He nodded, letting the information sink in for only a second before questioning "Why did you punch Stephen last night?"

I mulled the events that had happened the previous night over in my head within the span of a second or two. At first, they had been great, spending time with Guillermo, but as soon as that fucking asshole laid his hands on him, I lost it. I didn't care if I had to go to ISO for a day or a week, but he wasn't getting away with treating poor Guillermo like he treated me. "He was harassing Guillermo." I answered, which caused an instant look of confusion to contort Mr.Way's facial expression. "Who?" He queried, and it wasn't until he said this that I realized that he didn't know who 'Guillermo' was. I was even forgetting that it wasn't William's actual name myself, I called him Guillermo so much.

"William." I added, inspiring insight in his hazel eyes, followed quickly by confusion. "William was there too? Why?!" He seemed unable to fathom that William could even be swayed to sneak out because he was too much of a goody-good, but I shrugged.
"Promise he won't get in trouble?" I bartered before, not willing to say anything before he at least agreed to that. "Okay, if you tell me what the hell happened last night."
I thought on what to say, and how to omit that we'd snuck out because Danny and Travis were having sex, because that would definitely be awkward before exuding a quick breath.
"I had another night terror and couldn't go back to sleep, so I decided to go to the Art building. He tried to talk me out of it but couldn't, so went with me because he didn't want me going alone. When we got there, we just sat there and talked. Nothing interesting you know? Then that dickwad you call a guard came barging in there and decided he would man-handle Guillermo because he was smaller. he grabbed his wrist, you know? That hurt, I could tell, and it pissed me the fuck off, so I punched him to create a diversion so Guillermo could get back to the block. I didn't want him getting in trouble because it was my fault."

"You two have gotten a lot closer since his arrival here." He mused aloud, staring hard toward me as if considering what he should think of this and if it was a good thing or not. "How did that change in the first place?" I leaned back against the wall, contemplating on it myself. How did it happen? How would I say it really changed from when we'd first met, to how we were now? "I...I dunno. I guess I kind of saw just how badly he needed someone there for him..."
"But I'm sure you realize it's helping you too, Gabe? You need someone just as much as he does." He enunciated, though I didn't care to hear it. I decided not to respond, leaving an airy silence in the room for several moments until he cleared his throat. "So, this Guillermo name. I've heard you call him this several times but I never paid attention to it. Is it like, a pet name or something?" He pressed, and I thought he was joking, but a glance his way showed that he was perfectly serious, so in response I played my best mirror image of my serious face as well.
"Yeah, basically. He calls me Big Papi, but only when he's riding my dick." I threw at him, watching with much satisfaction as a momentarily shocked expression quilted in around his eyes. "Okay, I get it. No more questions." He murmured, busying his hands in straightening his jacket around his figure.

"So....When do I get out of here?" I pressed cautiously, not expecting it to be anytime soon considering the usual time was two to three days, but was pleasantly surprised when Mr.Way motioned toward the door. "Out early for good behavior this time, but you're on Ground for a week."
I hopped to my feet, ecstatic, and hurried to the door, wasting no time in pulling it open and hurrying out it but not before thanking him profusely. I wanted to go find Guillermo and check on him, then find the lovebirds and see if they'd enjoyed themselves as much as it had sounded like. The Administration building was a large one, with long and winding hallways that would confuse you if you didn't know them well enough, but by now, I knew them like the back of my hand, so I blew through them like they were straight a-to-b lines.
I reached the front door with plenty of scowls from workers who knew what I'd done last night, but I tossed my most sickeningly sweet grin back in reply, wanting nothing more than to piss them off, which I obviously accomplished. I pushed the door open to meet the frigid air, though it seemed a bit warmer than usual. It must have been heating back up a little bit before the next snowfall, which would really hit with a vengeance, unfortunately for those who hated snow. Thankfully, I didn't mind it so much, but that was another story all-together. I noticed someone in the distance, walking toward block two. She caught my attention for only a moment before I discarded my gaze from here. I couldn't remember her name exactly, but I recalled that she was the one who dumped boiling soup down my shirt last year because I had supposedly burst into flames. What a crazy bitch, right?

I was still dwelling on that when the small voice to my side caught my attention. "You actually got out?"
"Guillermo, what're you doing out here?" I turned toward him and almost laughed at the giddy smile on his face at something as simple as me being let out of ISO early. "I saw Mr.Way coming out here, so I followed him in case you did get out. I didn't know if you would or not, but.." He waved a thickly jacketed arm toward me as if to say 'here you are!' before trying to tame another relieved smile, only further pulling at my heart by biting his lip as if he were embarrassing himself to be so happy to see me.
"Well, come on. You look like you're about to freeze to death out here. It's probably about time to get to breakfast isn't it?" I rambled, trying to normalize the situation for the sake of my well-being. He shook his head yes, long hair attacking his wind-reddened face before his hands could move to swipe the unruly locks back to their rightful places. "Danny and Trav have that after-sex glow going on?" I continued to shoot, while we began making our way through the snow and toward the cafeteria. He giggled fitfully upon me asking this, almost having to stop walking just to recover before he could respond "Oh, you have no idea. Danny's been running around the block singing Johnny Cash songs all morning, and Travis is just like, catatonic. They don't think we know yet. We made sure to wait until you're there so you can see their reactions."

I couldn't wait to get to the cafeteria then. I wanted to see their expressions so bad when we started asking them about it. This was going to be golden. We hurried to get there as quickly as possible, getting our trays, and this time, I actually wasn't that interested in the food. We hurried to our table, I getting my first look at the lovely couple. Danny was glowing, of course, joking and cutting up as usual, and Travis looked like he'd went to some dream-land last night and forgot how to come back, stabbing at his food as though he didn't need it because it was nowhere near as good as what he'd witnessed mere hours ago. "Hey there, Lovebirds." I greeted, plopping down in my seat and gathering their attention. "You two look great. What've you been up to?"
"Um, Hi Gabe. You seem pretty excited for just getting out of ISO." Danny returned, eying me with a guarded tone; he could tell something was up but wasn't sure what it was jut yet. "Like I said. You two look great, but Trav, I saw you walking up here earlier, and you were walking a little funny. Are you okay?" I continued, already knowing exactly what I was going to say, if I could just line him up and into my trap, because it would be fucking perfect.

His eyes shot open a bit wider, as if he were growing nervous, letting his pupils dodge to Danny for only the smallest amount of time before answering "I'm fine." I feigned seriousness as I leaned closer, resting my chin in my palm to more closely examine him, which made him visibly anxious. "I dunno. You looked like you were in pain a little bit. I mean, really. Are you sure you're okay?"
I kept on, until he did it! He walked right into my trap exactly like I wanted, he saying "Um, maybe I fell?" and it was no sooner than he said it that I nearly yelped "Yeah, right on Danny's dick! You two were so loud last night, Guillermo and I had to sneak out of the block and go to the Art building!"

The red-head's face turned a shade of red matching to that of the strawberry slices on our trays before he buried his face in his arms, humiliated while Danny couldn't contain an accomplished grin. "Okay, You caught us. Big deal." He snickered, pausing to take a drink of his tea before half whispering-half laughing "Because guess what? It was fuckin' worth it." He was unfazed by it, but Travis looked almost like he had died of a massive heart attack, considering he hadn't moved an inch from where he'd been since I'd said the 'Danny's dick thing'. I glanced to my left, half expecting Guillermo to be glaring at me for being to harsh, but even he was laughing which was a great surprise. "Cheer up, Travis. He's just jealous that it wasn't him." Someone hooted, though I hadn't been paying attention, but it tore a boisterous hoot from me.
"Damn right I am! I'd pay big money to spend a night with you Danny, you fuckin' stud!" I all but moaned, stooping lower in my seat and pretending to practically jizz in my pants while nearly screaming "Ay dios mio, Danny! Grito mi nombre!" Several tables around us shot disgusted glares our way, but I shook it off, this table being overtaken by laughter.

"W-where are you going?" He uttered, fingers reaching out to grasp onto my jacket sleeve but not quite making the connection. He didn't think I noticed, but I did. "I'm stuck on ground for the next week, so I have to go in now." I explained, trying to act like it didn't bother me, though I knew I would be bored as hell sitting in the block by myself alone. "Well..I can come in too." He offered, but I knew not to ask that of him considering who was approaching in the distance, no matter how disgusted it made me. Michael. He was finally going to show his face again huh? I hadn't seen much of him lately. So much for a boyfriend. A lousy one if you would ask me, but I guessed my opinion didn't count. "Nah, you have company." I forced myself to say with an upturn of my lips, motioning with a nod of my head behind him. He tossed a quick glance behind him and upon seeing what I saw, his whole demeanor lit up even more, he screeching "Chizzy!" before taking off toward him to greet him. I turned away and headed to the main door to our block before I could see the imminent embrace, the one that I could sense even though I didn't see it, and it literally burned my skin.

I pulled the door shut behind me and kicked my shoes off before plodding toward the room, peeling my jacket off. I pushed the door to my room open and flicked the light on before finding a pair of fresh clothes in my dresser, sniffing them for one reason. I always loved the smell of the fabric softener they used here, but as soon as I actually put the clothes on, I couldn't smell it. It calmed me down for a moment, but after that, I was back to the same old feelings. I slunk across the hall and to the shower-room, deciding a shower would be a sufficient way to pass the time. I found my favorite stall and turned the shower head on before piecing my clothes off, throwing them in the hamper instead of my usual: on the floor. Why not? Maybe 'Chizzy' was a proper gent' who put his fucking clothes in the damn hamper. I eased my way into the shower stall, under the shower head.
I hadn't turned the hot water knob yet, so the water was strictly cold but oddly, that was okay. It felt soothing to my skin, as if it were numbing not only my flesh but my thoughts too until every thought process were frozen and I was just a zombie. I liked it.
It was oddly therapeutic; I could almost understand why back in the olden days, they dunked the clinically insane in frozen water to heal them. Maybe there was something to that logic after all.

I reached out and turned the hot water on after a bit though, only when my jaw had involuntarily began to quiver and I couldn't keep my body from shivering, the sudden intense heat another jolt that kept my mind from over-thinking on anything.
I reached back and grasped a bottle, whether it was for hair or body I didn't know, but I deposited a healthy amount into my hand and began coating my body with it, washing myself feverishly as if I had just been rolling in a pit of sick kids. ISO always made me feel like that for absolutely no reason, but it was always there, and I was always compulsively washing it off.

After my shower, I toweled off and slipped into my clothes, listening at the doorway for any sign of life other than me hearing none. I must not have been very long. I took two steps out into the hall and glanced overhead at the clock, seeing that everyone was indeed still on break. Great. I pushed my door open and stepped into the room, expecting to just lay down and take a nap until everyone came back, but stopped short. Okay, so I wasn't alone after all. "Guillermo?" I was going to say more when the lights overhead caught on his face and the moisture streaking down his cheekbones, alerting me that something had gone wrong with Michael. My initial response shouldn't have been relief, but it was. I had to push it aside before other thoughts could tumble in. The second one made me want to punch myself, but I couldn't stop it. I told you so! It screamed, loud enough that I was almost certain he'd be able to hear it too.
I had told him too. I'd told him that this guy would end up being an asshole just like J.J, but what had he told me? 'I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself.' Thinking about that now, I had an overwhelming urge to scream 'See Guillermo? If you would listen to Gabanti every once in a while, you would know! Gabanti knows what he's talking about!', but I didn't. Instead, I walked over to the bed and sat beside him, waiting for an explanation to why that asshole had hurt him.

"Well?" I pressed when he didn't act like he was going to speak anytime soon. "Why am I kicking this guys ass?" His eyes bugged out upon hearing this, he waving a hand my way. "What? No! no, no, no! You're not kicking his ass, Gabe! He didn't do anything wrong!" He was in his room crying, yet now he was going to defend the guy? What the hell? "And why not? You're crying because of the guy aren't you?" He shook his head no profusely, wiping his face with his jacket sleeve before getting ready to tell me a play by play.

"Okay, well...After you left, he asked if we could talk..He told me he f-felt more l-like friends and I'm actually okay with that, but it's just...I'm a-alone again."
I absorbed what he'd said for a bit before considering the best way to respond, which I tried to do so as delicately as possible, though it would probably still sound harsh to him. "That's bullshit. You don't have to be in a relationship to not be alone. You sound like one of those people who let your relationship status define who you are, and that's definitely not who you want to be. You don't need that asshole, because you're a hell of a lot better off without him, I can guarantee it."

He didn't say anything in return, but I hoped he understood what I was getting at. "G-Gabe?" He uttered in a tiny voice just barely above a whisper, keeping his eyes on the wall above my bed like he'd been doing since I'd walked into the room as I tossed a quick 'yes?' into the air. "Do you ever get lonely?" The question caught me off guard, that was a certain. Where had it came from in the first place? I mulled it over in my head for real unlike most questions he asked me where I just threw back a quick answer to satisfy him, thinking on it. Of course I got lonely. There wasn't a day that passed where I didn't feel it, but he didn't know that I was fairly certain. It was a basic human need to feel wanted though so what kind of question was that? Of course I got lonely, but....Now that he really brought it before my eyes..Damn did I ever.
"Gabe, Do you ever get lonely?" He reiterated, in a slightly more adamant voice, really wanting to hear it from my mouth that I did just like any other normal person.
"I'm only human, Guillermo. Of course I do." I reluctantly answered, the tables turning now considering it was I who was averting my gaze while he watched me.
Now that he had his confirmation, a thick silence overtook the both of us for a long time before he could find the strength the admit "I don't just feel lonely. I feel like I was meant to be alone."

This poor boy just couldn't get away from his problems could he? No matter where he turned, they were just there. I maneuvered an arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer to me, close enough that I could feel he was trying his hardest to seem like he was at least decently okay. "If you're meant to be alone, then I'm meant to get out of here and be normal, which we both know is never going to happen." He opened his mouth and actually did manage to speak something about how that wasn't fair, but I cut him off.
"You're way too young to be this broken, William, but I want to help as much as possible, if you can let me." I paused to see if he had any objections in my little speech, but he seemed willing to let me continue, so I did. "Because I know you need someone there, a constant through all of this, and so do I. You need someone there for you to help you, and I think I need to feel like I'm helping someone, like I'm actually helping someone through something important even if I'm really not. Maybe this is exactly what the both of us need..." I wasn't sure what else to say, but it seemed to get my point across well enough for the time being.

"I don't know if I say it enough, but you really are helping me, Gabe. I don't get how I had friends for eleven years, but I came here and then met you. I mean...I've known you for w-what? Two mo-onths and you're a bet-ter friend than they ever were.."
This was something I couldn't decipher. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel about this, or the emotions it brought about in me, considering I'd lived in facilities for most of my life, and the term friend was heard rarely, much less in such a concentrated form. My brain told me to do that 'hug-thing' most normal people did during an exchange of sentimental words, so I did, pulling his wiry frame into my arms with a sigh. "It goes without saying ditto I guess? I can't really say I've had friends for eleven years, but you catch my drift." I felt like I was rambling, so I finally just shut my mouth and breathed into the embrace, while he seemed to inhale it, taking it all in thankfully. "Why do you smell like Trav's shampoo?" He queried in a giggle, and that resolved my earlier question of what I had been using as body-wash. "No reason."