Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match

Gabe

"I can't believe how pissed off Mr. Way was." Danny laughed, wrapping a towel around his waist after stepping out of his stall, emitting a low whistle at the thought. Earlier that day, during our game of Truth Or Dar, we'd been caught, the head Administrator coming to the block with several disgruntled inhibitors and workers who had taken complaints about us to him. Fredrick Von Trachenbeau, the owner of this place.
Such a foreign, authoritative name, but there wasn't anything ab out him that scared me. He was short and old, with peppered, leathery skin, and dark, course looking hair, a European mustache covering his upper lip.
"Which of you were out of your block, indecently exposing yourselves?" He'd demanded, stepping through the thresh-hold of the door, voice deep and booming, and though he'd trained his voice for years to sound as close to normal as possible, his accent still shaped his vowels.

No one had moved, not knowing how much trouble we would get into. The girl Brendon had pissed on had stepped forward also, pointing a furious finger toward him while near yelling "Him! He's the one that peed on me!"
The administrator, quite calmly, motioned for Brendon to stand and get his shoes and a jacket before glancing back at the other snitches, waiting for one to point out the other who'd been wreaking havoc. An older man, with a pinched looking face, had snarked toward Danny, who was already in the process of standing up because he'd known he was going to get caught.

The two had been escorted to the Admin. building for an hour; a grueling hour for the rest of us to wait, wondering what the hell was happening and feeling terrible about the whole ordeal. Some time during that expanse of waiting, Mr. Way came storming into the block, demanding to know what the hell happened and explaining that he had gotten a call from the Admin. Secretary, asking to come in on an emergency about 'Daniel Stevens and Brendon Urie being held in Isolation until he arrived'. He'd rushed off to find them as well, and eventually, came back with Danny and Brendon in tow, face conveying just how pissed he was.
He'd made us all sit in our chairs in our round formation in the meeting room and vehemently lectured us for at least another thirty minutes, about how naive and immature it was. "Peeing on a girl, Brendon? Really? And Danny, no one wants to see all that, so keep it in this block, dammit!"
He'd concluded the lecture by telling us that the two were on ground for the next week, along with me now, from when I'd punched the guard.

"Gabe, you ever gonna get out of the shower, you Powderpuff?" Brendon chortled as well, bringing my attention back from the earlier events, to present, hurrying to shut off the faucets and stepping out of the shower, finding the toweled I'd left on the bench for myself. I toweled dry quickly, the cold getting to me tonight unlike it usually did. "Wooh, Gabe! Caliente!" Danny hooted when he turned from pulling his own clothes on, grinning jokingly before sucking in a deep breath and beginning to belt out the words to a song I'd never heard, but wow, did the boy have pipes. "Come closer to me, Baby. I've got everything you need, To fill your hunger pains for tonight." I gave a chuckle at the words he chose, whatever the song was, but noted to myself that he really did have one hell of a voice going for him. "Ay, such a smooth talker, White-Boy. Keep that up and you're just gonna turn me on." I threw back with a snort, rolling my eyes with a smirk at my choice of words while slipping into my clothes, not needing to see his reaction to know he thought it was humorous too considering the boisterous laugh that bombarded the room, but Brendon offered only a quick grin before slipping out of the room. Guess he wasn't too in the mood for sex jokes at the moment.

He waited until the door slipped closed all the way before leaning against the wall casually, arms crossing over his chest as if he'd been waiting for this opportunity for hours. "So...your dare today...How'd you like that, huh?" He questioned, voice teeming with that teasing tone like he had a feeling of how I felt about it, but felt like interrogating me about it just to be an asshole. "It was a dare. What about it?" I retorted, tousling my hair with the towel to get the excess water out of it, not wanting to talk about the incident earlier, but he definitely did want to. "You seemed a little into it for it being just a dare though, don't you think?"
I tossed the towel toward the hamper, it draping over the edge for a moment before slipping back out and onto the floor beside it. A growl rumbled through my chest at both this and his incessant antagonizing. "What do you want me to say, dude? 'Oh, man. I totally went homo there for a minute and if you wouldn't have stopped us, I woulda had Guillermo pinned to the floor wrapped around my dick tighter than a pair of Ryan's pants on John Goodman '. I don't think so."

"What the hell. Why would you refer to him as being tighter than a that?" He groaned, making an absolutely disgusted face as if he were actually picturing this. "Because I don't want to say something appealing, because I don't want you thinking about Guillermo's tightness in a good way." I threw back, making a move for the door, but he blocked it off, not ready for the conversation to be over yet, considering he knew I didn't want to talk about it. "Why would I think about that in a good way? I have Trav. Now he's nice and tight, for real." A devious beam was inspired upon his face at the thought, he drawing a deep breath as though the thought was bringing forth considerably good memories, which was fine and fucking dandy for him, but I was just ready to get out of the shower-room. "That's cool and all, but I'd rather not hear about that. I don't want to look at Trav, remember this conversation, and
have my mind refer back to this whole 'nice and tight' talk. Keep that to yourself." Just to spite me, since I'd told him I didn't want to hear the crude details about Trav, his eyes squinted with the immense grin that he seemed to not be able to hold back while he snickered "I could barely move around in there for a while, he's so tight. That was pretty awesome." I refrained from curling my lip up at the perhaps too detailed image that hearing this put into my head, one that I'd rather erase from my brain, but a tiny wisp of a chuckle left my lungs.
"You're dying for more sex, aren't you, Danny-Boy?" I guessed, he almost automatically giving a desperate nod at the idea, which was my cue to leave. "Well, maybe you should be in your room trying to seduce your boyfriend onto your crotch instead of pestering me about a fuckin' dare, am I right?" Before he could respond, I pushed past him and out the door, hurrying across the hall and to his room to fling the door open. Trav was sitting in his bed writing, glancing up at me with a curious expression as I'm sure he could see Danny hurrying to catch me as he knew I was up to no good. "Whatever you do, Travis, don't you dare touch him tonight, okay? Make him suffer."

I turned and dodged around Danny as he tried to grab my arm to ask what I'd told the red-head, shuffling off toward my own door in hopes to finally get some space to just...think. To think about what happened today and just how the hell I was supposed to feel about it because I honestly had no idea. I pushed the door open as silently as possible, knowing that Guillermo had gone to sleep before I went to get my shower, not wanting to wake him up by making a loud entrance. After easing the door back shut and sneaking to my bed, I crawled under my covers and buried my face into my pillow, finally letting go of an exasperated groan that was absorbed by the pillow.
Today had really taken it's toll on me; not so much physically as it had emotionally and mentally, as little as I wanted to acknowledge it. The only thing my brain wanted to concentrate on was that damn kiss, unfortunately. It was like a movie reel, enhanced with all senses in tact, set onto repeat no matter how little I wanted it to be. I couldn't forget the sensation of my tongue gliding across his, the way he'd been so unwilling to let the kiss end while I wanted nothing more than to cut it short because it was bothering me way too much. I had been telling myself to keep it simple but after the first initial contact between our mouths, I lost all control there, unable to do anything but what I did. How could I of had any control over myself during that? That mouth was just amazing, no matter how modest his actions were, and his taste...
It was a faint taste that had me pressing further in pure need to taste it in stronger concentration, and when I found it, I was reeling. I'd even pulled back for a moment, I'd been so overwhelmed and had a mind to just end it then before I did anything too drastic, but he just had to do it dammit. He'd followed, keeping his mouth mere centimeters from mine the whole time and at the separation, he'd let a pleading breath out over my lips, just begging me to come back, that much I could discern without words needing to be spoken and it had been more than enough to spur me on. I had all but attacked those lips of his after that, and it had been after that when I'd done the unthinkable and not only let my tongue find it's way into his mouth, but allowed it to all but develop a mind of it's own. It was bad enough that I'd so needily explored his mouth like that, but knowing that the whole group had a front-row seat of the whole experience too was unsettling. I wondered if they saw how shaken I was afterward, even if we only had moments before the administrator interrupted.
I couldn't shake the thought, the feeling of his mouth working timidly against mine, and I felt like a terrible person for admitting to myself that I wanted to experience that again. How could I not? It was absolutely euphoric.
I rolled onto my side to stare across the room, not able to see him through the heaviness of the dark coating the room, but if I held my breath, I could hear the steady tide of his, which was a soothing noise to hear in the hurricane of thoughts plaguing me.

What did you do to yourself, Gabe? My own voice echoed through my head, a somber tone edging it to sound almost as weary and worn down as I felt. I took a deep breath in, held it for as long as it felt possible, and slowly let it leak back out through my nose, draining it all from my lungs until my chest felt completely hollow before sitting back up, head shaking lightly back and forth as if to confirm what I was thinking. I couldn't stay here right now, especially not while thinking about this. There was no way I was going to sleep tonight, so why bother just laying in my bed and waiting for sleep when it was a lost cause? I slipped back out of the blanket's embrace and stood, feet going cold against the floor and found my jacket on the floor, slipping into it before trying to remember where I had misplaced the key ring to the doors the other night...
That was right..I had never gotten it back from Guillermo after I had slipped it to him in the Art building. Where would he put the damn thing though? I crept over to his side of the room, wondering if I should chance it or not. He seemed to be a moderately light sleeper, but I would be careful not to wake him. He was sleeping in the same coat he'd been wearing that night, so I figured I might as well check the pockets to see if he'd just forgotten it there, which would be my saving grace for the day. I slid my hand under the covers with as little movement as possible, feeling down the thick padding of the coat for the zipper of left pocket, which I found after a few fumbling seconds. I curled my fingers around it and tried my hardest to be easy, pulling it open enough that I would be able to slip a finger inside, doing so with caution. Instantly, cold metal pressed against my fingertip, alerting me that the key ring really was still in his pocket, so I hooked my finger around it, pulling it out of the pocket with precision. The six keys jangled together in what may not have been a very loud notion, but was magnified tenfold in the dead silence, I hurrying to clasp my fingers around them to silence the noise.

After waiting several waning moments to make sure I hadn't woken him up, I grabbed my half empty pack of cigarettes from my dresser and slipped toward the door, pulled it open, slipping out of it and down the hall before finally letting go of a sigh. I found a jacket by the door and slipped it on before shoving my feet into two completely different shoes, then found the right key and pressed it into the lock, turning until the distinct click was heard. I opened the door before retracting the key, placing the ring back into my pocket and sliding out onto the tiny concrete step with a shutter. It was the coldest tonight of any, by far, breath leaving my lungs in a very evident promenade before my eyes so that I could see it near coagulating in it's place. It was that freezing, but I didn't much feel like going back inside. Instead, I pulled my jacket tighter while fishing a cigarette from the packet, along with my lighter. Maybe this would ease my mind just a little bit...
I placed it at the crook of my mouth and hurried to light the end, it setting up in a dim glow. I inhaled the smoke slowly, taking the time to savor the way it burned my insides to submission in such a way that I nearly forgot the events of today. For a moment, I felt half-way decent, but that was abruptly halted by the sound of the doorknob moving. I jumped to the side to stare at it skeptically, wondering what the hell was going on. Was I going crazy now too?
The door slowly opened to a slit, I unable to see who was on the other side of the door, but apparently they could see me. "What are you doing out here after what happened the other night?" William's voice penetrated the air, he sounding afraid to come outside in the degree of how absolutely freezing it was. I guessed I hadn't been quiet enough after all. "Smoking. What else would I be doing here?" I responded nonchalantly, feeling awkward in his presence considering what flashed through my mind upon hearing his voice.
His mouth, in perfect unison with mine... I was tempted to push the door open and grab him, pulling him out here with me to give a repeat of earlier.

He pushed the door open enough to slip out beside me, blanket pulled tightly around his shaking frame and eyes trained on the side of my face. "I don't like you smoking, you know..." He sighed lightly, leaning against the door now that it was again shut, but I didn't take his words too seriously. Rather, I shrugged my shoulders for him to see, taking another deep puff of the cigarette. "Sorry I woke you up." I apologized, letting the smoke that was currently in my lungs seep back through my teeth before taking another drag, the cigarette nearing it's end.
"I couldn't sleep very well anyways..." He trailed off as though he were contemplating saying more, but decided against the notion as the wind picked up, seeming to steal the words from his lungs. "Eh, still yet." I wasn't sure what else to say after that so I decided on letting the wind take place of my voice, it howling in from the North in a continuously growing fashion. It really was going to snow again soon, wasn't it? I braced my arms tighter against my sides, trying not to shiver while he was literally trembling.

Another inhale brought forth more searing into the walls of my lungs as well as more loosely strung relief, an ephemeral sensation that subsided within moments, a groan riding out the silver-lined exhale. "Do you feel okay?" William inquired from behind me after hearing the sound from me, stepping forward to see my face better than from his spot against the door. "I feel fine." I answered automatically, a response I'd developed over the years of hearing counselors and nurses ask the same thing. He didn't seem to believe the answer I'd given him, but didn't choose to press the question further. I took one last half inhale then dropped the cigarette to the concrete slab beneath us, stamping it out beneath the toe of my shoe. "What're you doing out here in this cold? You're gonna freeze to death, Bebito." I forced myself to shoot the syllables his way, risking a peek over toward him which was a huge mistake.
He had the cover pulled up to press against his chin, quivering and shuttering violently in the cold but watching me intently nonetheless as though he were waiting for me to say something of moderate importance.
His long hair was a mess under the hood of the coat that was originally mine, but aided him so much more than it ever did for me. He looked... I turned to stare at the Oak tree instead, trying my hardest to avert my thoughts away from what I was wanting to do.

My fingers fumbled for the package I'd shoved into my jacket pocket, pulling it out and digging for a second cigarette, thinking it may calm me back down enough to control myself. "You are not smoking another one, Gabe!" He exclaimed when he realized what I was doing, pushing the awkward air aside for the moment while grasping at the package and trying to pry it from my fingers. I held tight to it though, not willing to let him take the damn things away. I needed what little outlet I could get, even if it was something as reckless as chain smoking, and he would have to deal with that. "Yeah I am, not gimme the damn pack." I growled, growing steadily irritated at him trying to control what I could and could not do. "No! It's a hazard to your health as it is, but chain smoking is ridiculous." He retorted in that nagging tone he used when he figured he was right just because he had all sorts of facts and statistics to back him up.
Who cares if I'm slowly rotting my lungs?

I jerked my arm backward in hopes of wrenching his grip away, but instead, it forced him closer, his chest being brought closer to mine until the cover could practically be felt through my clothes. I admittedly froze, breath halting where it was in my airways like the freezing night that was sticking like glue around our frames, not allowing me to pull away from him. He didn't seem to catch the change in my attitude at first, but when I didn't reply to his ridiculous ranting, he knew something had gone off kilter in the situation.
'Don't do it. Don't do it.' My thoughts screamed so loud that it caused a dull throb to set up at the base of my skull, the thoughts rolling on repeat. 'Control yourself or you'll fuck something up bad.'
It didn't help in the least. I tried, I really did, but my body took over, though that was the last thing I wanted to happen. In an instant, I grabbed onto his arms and shoved him roughly against the door, he only having time to let a tiny yelp escape his lips before I moved closer still, pressing against him and leaning down. He looked terrified for a moment, wondering what the hell I was doing, but I guessed he decided to just let me do what I pleased in hopes to not infuriate me. I let my mouth inch closer to his, my own breathing becoming ravenous within the expanse of my chest as I continued to tell myself I shouldn't do this. Insight burst across his face when he saw what I was doing, and I couldn't tell what was in that expression besides shock. I craned closer, biting down on my tongue, lips so close to his, I swore I could feel a magnetic pull radiating from them, just begging me to close the gap, but I lingered with my last bit of dignity in tact, staring into his pupils intently to see what flashed through them.
I could just feel the sensitive skin graze against his when I found my sanity and composure, letting go of the bated breath that had been steadily accumulating under my ribcage, lungs swelled like a balloon. The acrid, nicotine scented tide broke over his face with enough force to change the course of a several strands of his hair, they moving from his face to mat into the other locks under the hood.
Fuck. It would be so easy to just let go of my composure and do it...But I couldn't.
"You're..." I finally found my voice again, thinking of an excuse for the insane display I'd just done, quickly coming up with something that would suffice. "You're too young to be stealing my cigarettes, Guillermito." I pushed myself back away with the door, going back to a standing position and reaching for a second cigarette, which I noted that he didn't try and stop this time.
That was a close call. A really close call. What if I would have actually did it and diminished that tiny expanse? How would he have reacted? I found my lighter and lit the end, inhaling.