Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match

Bill

“Okay, okay, listen.” Mr. Way clapped his hands together to re-claim our attention and determined “We’ll leave out at 10:30 A.M. on the 10th, so you all better be on your best behavior until then.” A collective ‘okay’ filtered through us and Gabe went to jump up, but Mr. Way stopped him. “Whoa Gabe, sit back down. I’m not finished yet.”
Mr. Way, who was sitting in the middle of the desk with his legs folded under him, gave a sly grin.
“I have a proposition as well.” We waited to hear what else he was keeping us for while Danny whispered something to Gabe about getting revenge on him for something.

“Well, since your families are going to be in and you all seem to love singing or playing some type of instrument, I thought it would be really cool if you put on a little concert for them.”
“I don’t have a family, so does that mean I don’t have to participate?” Gabe retorted sarcastically, though I could tell his family would always be a sore topic for him.
“Gabe, you know you wouldn’t pass up a chance to woo someone with your music.” Mr. Way shot back, to which Gabe couldn’t deny.
I had never actually heard him sing before, and I didn’t count he and Danny belting out Fall Out Boy songs while they showered to be singing, so I was automatically interested to see how that would turn out.

Frank, who had said nothing the whole time, raised his hand enough to be noticed. Mr. Way pointed toward him to acknowledge he was listening. “Can I just play guitar for everyone? I don’t sing- I scream.”
I thought on it for a second with amusement. I could see him being the screamo type. I still felt bad for him though.
A week earlier, Bob was transferred to the main facility because he was deemed ‘no longer a severe case’. Frank had constantly told Bob “It isn’t so bad. We can write all the time, and if they let you there, we can call each other here and there”, but Bob had shot him down just before he left. He had told him he didn’t do long distance relationships and said they were through.

Frank was distraught. He and Bob had been together for close to a year before this all happened. He’d been spending a lot of time in Mr. Way’s office lately, the poor guy. I had tried to tell him it would end up okay, but he didn’t really listen. The only one who seemed to be of consolation to him was Mr. Way, but that was his job, so that made sense.
Then I realized I was going to have to sing in front of several people I didn’t really know. That was going to be nerve wracking, to say the least.
What would I sing? I only had two or three songs so far, and they weren’t exactly something I would want to sing to everyone considering how personal they were.
It looked like I didn’t have much choice. I would have to talk to Chizzy again so we could get some more music made. It would be awkward to say the least.

“Lean up.” Gabe grumbled in my direction as he patted at my shoulder, pulling my attention away from the book. I did as told and he slipped behind me, telling me I could lie back since he was comfortable. I rested my head against his stomach, thinking it was probably strange to everyone else in the room, but I didn’t care to dwell on it when an amazing book was calling me back. It was the Monstrumologist book and I was about half way through it. Right now, the main characters were being escorted by the constable to a gruesome crime scene in which a sole survivor described a blood-bath that was created by the book’s monster-the Anthropophagi. I couldn’t get enough of this book. I wanted to finish this book as fast as possible just to read the two sequels.
“Aw, look at the lovely couple.” Brendon cooed from his spot across the room, to which Gabe replied with a quick flash of his middle finger. He seemed too trained on the television to care. They were watching some older horror movie that was so cheesy, I could predict what was going to happen next and I wasn’t even paying attention to it.
We were all in our own little worlds when a knock was rapped onto the door frame. Everyone turned in sync to see Mr. Way and his wife at the doorway. Both had bright smiles on their faces and Mr. Way motioned for us to sit up, which we did.

Lindsey, hair now cut at her shoulders and bleached blonde, came into the room with Mr. Way, who was carrying a small waste basket. She was only wearing a small jacket, so I was able to see the baby bump through the material. She stepped to the tv and turned it off before turning back to us with a bright smile. “Long time no see, huh? How are you guys?” She inquired, to which several responded with things like ‘fine’ and ‘pretty good.’
She waved at Jack and Alex, saying that she was Mr. Way’s wife and that it was nice to meet them before explaining what was up with her sudden appearance and the waste basket.
“Well, since Christmas is coming up, I thought it would be fun to get you all a little something and I couldn’t wait until Christmas to bring it to you.”
She pulled out a purple stocking from the basket and handed it to Gabe, who thanked her by saying ‘Aww, gracias Mama Way!”
She went around the room handing them out, each of us getting a personalized stocking with our names embroidered into the fabric.
I didn’t know her very well, but from the encounters we’d had, I could see she was a very nice person.

“I know it isn’t much, and it may even be kind of childish, but I figured it might be kind of fun to play with around the block.” She offered as we all dug around in the stocking. Each one had a can or Red Bull, an obscene amount of candy and gum, a little toy bear, and a Nerf Dart Gun.
This was right up Block 8’s ally. I had a feeling this would be everyone’s new favorite past time when we had down-time.

“It’s not much, but I just wanted to get everyone som-“ She was in the process of saying, but Gabe shot his toy gun, sending a dart flying into the air to plunk against Mr. way’s neck.
“Damn, that stings like a mosquito bite.” He rubbed at the spot on his neck as he picked the dart up and tossed it back to Gabe, who was in a fit of laughter.

“I just wanted to bring those by on my way to work.” She stated, hands clasped together on her stomach. We assured her that we loved the gifts and that she was very considerate for thinking of us little misfits. Jack even got up and hugged her, saying something along the lines of “You don’t even know me and you’re buying me stuff. You’re too nice.”
I wondered how they could just spend money on us like this. I knew for a fact that each Nerf gun costed at least twenty dollars, and cans of Red Bull like this were nearly five dollars apiece.
That was over two hundred dollars for us. I glanced over to Gabe, who was popping a piece of chocolate in his mouth.

“How do they afford to do stuff like this?” I questioned, waiting for him to chew up the candy before he responded. “Mr. Way gets paid a lot for counseling at a government facility, and she’s a graphic designer. They’re pretty well off so they can afford to drop a few bills here and there for us. Mr. Way looks at us like his children, so he feels it would be wrong of him not to do stuff like this for us.”

I couldn’t fathom someone looking at such fucked up kids like they were their own. He must have had a lot of faith in us that there was good in us that we didn’t see. He was obviously dedicated to his job to go as far as to call us his children. I was going to say something to Gabe about this when Mr. Way poked his head into the doorway. “William, can I see you for a moment?” He queried, catching everyone’s attention.
I stood up, grabbing my stocking. If I left it in here, it would probably be barren of anything edible when I came back. He led me to his office where I sat down and he handed me the phone. “Your mother is on the line.” I felt a flutter in my chest as he walked around my seat and left, giving me privacy to talk to my mom.

“Mom?” I called into the speaker, and almost automatically, she was talking. “Oh, William, Honey, how are you doing?” She gushed, I able to tell by her voice that she was ecstatic to talk with me.
“I’m pretty good right now. What about you?” She took only a moment to say she was fine, but missed me before telling me to inform her what’s been going on with me lately.
“Well…Um.. I had to go to the hospital a while ago, as I’m sure you were informed. I got the stomach flu and ended up so dehydrated that I had to go be hooked up to Saline. It was terrible because almost everyone in the block got sick. Um… One of the guys in my block got transferred which was really sad because he was a cool person… Then we had two more transferred in here with us. One is really cool. He acts like he’s been here for a long time. The other guy, though, doesn’t talk.”
“What do you mean, he doesn’t talk?” She responded curiously like she didn’t understand how someone could not talk.

“Something traumatic happened to him and he just kind of stopped talking afterward. I…I want to help him, though. He reminds me of myself a lot.” I admitted to her, getting a bit of encouragement from her. “Oh, Hon, you should! If there’s one thing I’m certain about you, it’s that you’re good with helping people in trouble. What was that thing you helped your friend Sisky through a few years ago?”
I thought on it for a long moment because I had always been helping him with something. “Um.. When he lost his Math book and I gave him the money to pay the school back?” She said that it was something about his family giving him problems, but I didn’t recall.

“Well, you know I have to ask it, William. How are you doing? And I mean like, with your problems.” She inquired cautiously and I thought it kind of strangely amusing how she was afraid to just bluntly call it what it was.
“I’m doing better, really. I’ve had a lot of help. Mr. Way is a great counselor, and my friend Gabe… I can’t tell you how much he’s helped me. He was a jerk when I first got here, but I think that’s just what I needed. He…Um…”
“What? Keep talking, Son.” Mom urged, desperate for any information she could get on me. She lived pretty far away so it wasn’t like she could just drive up here whenever she wanted to catch up with me.

“Well…He got in a lot of trouble over me. This guy jumped me and beat me up pretty bad. When Gabe found out who it was, he got really mad and beat the guy up twice as bad..” I waited for her to say something, guessing it would be something about how fighting never solved anything.
“That’s what the jerk gets then.” She proclaimed. “I can’t wait to come see you, you know? Courtney is always talking about how much she misses you and she’s been counting down the days until we get to come visit again. I already got permission from your friend’s parents to bring them too.”

I couldn’t wait to see Sisky and Carden again. I wanted to tell them that I was a lot better than I had been the last time I’d came here, and re-introduce them to Gabe, stressing to them that he helped me a lot. I wanted them to be as excited to see me as I was to see them.
“Honey, I’m glad you’re doing better. I know you’re mad about us sending you there, but it’s for the better. You sound happier and you don’t even stutter much anymore. I can’t wait until we get to come see you. What’s this about you singing, though?”
I chuckled a bit upon her asking. I was sure it sounded strange to her that I might actually be ballsy enough to get up in front of people I didn’t know and sing.

“We’re supposed to sing to the parents when you all come to visit. It’s going to be really weird, but I think it will be fun.”
She started to say something, but I heard dad saying something in the background. “Hun, I have to get off here. I have to go pick Courtney up from softball practice.” We exchanged goodbyes and I hung up, leaving the room.

I was heading back to the living room when Gabe met me at the T in the halls, pulling me toward the door. “Come with me while I get a smoke, why don’t you?” He decided for me and shoved his feet into a pair of shoes, I doing the same. He grabbed someone’s coat and put it around my shoulders before opening the door and stepping out. I followed, putting the coat on properly.
“So me being a jerk was what you needed huh?” He queried while lighting up a cigarette and taking a steep breath in. How did it not surprise me that he had been listening?
“You’re too nosy for your own good.” I shot back, leaning against the door. It was so cloudy out at the moment that I was sure it was going to snow either in the evening or while we slept. I couldn’t say I was surprised. “We’re supposed to get another two inches.” He offered, seeing me glancing toward the sky.
Great. We could probably count on Mr. Way not being here tomorrow then.

“I need you to read something when we go back inside, okay?” He murmured against his cigarette, catching my attention. What would he have that he wanted me to read? “Lyrics.” He answered, knowing I was going to drive myself crazy until then if he didn’t answer that.
Wow. That was unexpected. I couldn’t even say that I had any expectations of what I might read from him, but I was instantly intrigued.