Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match

Gabe

“Mr. Way?” I knocked on his door faintly, hoping he was here early this morning. To my fortune, he called from the other side of the door for me to come in. I opened the door and found one of the chairs to sit down in, rubbing my face. It was barely 6:00 in the morning, but I couldn’t go back to sleep. I woke up to a raw throat and a throbbing in my head.

“You look like shit.” Mr. Way stated as he shuffled papers around on his desk, organizing them. “What do you need?” He inquired just afterward, stopping to wait for me to respond.
“Could you make that tea stuff you usually make me when I’m sick?” I queried as my palm rubbed circles across my face. I felt like I woke up with the first tethers of a cold, which to me was ten times worse than a stomach bug.
I hated fatigue and chest tightness more than anything. He grimaced at the possibility of me coming down with something.
We both knew how big of a nag and a grouch I was when I actually got sick. “Sure thing, Kiddo.” He smiled sympathetically and rose from his seat, bustling to his little counter in the corner where he kept his fridge, microwave, and stuff to hold him over during the day. I watched him in silence as he emptied a bottle of water into a large mug, placed two tea bags in it, and set it in the microwave at three minutes. As he waited for it to heat, he turned to me, looking me over.

“What’s going on? You haven’t come and talked to me much lately. Just a few months ago, you were in here every day.”
I let a shameless sigh full of exasperation roll from my tongue, clotting the air around me.
“I’ve been in my head a lot lately.” He knew this wasn’t a good thing and urged me to continue as he paused the microwave and dunked the tea bags in and out of the water several times.

“I…I’ve been having a lot of stress going on lately because of Guillermo.” I admitted as he resumed the microwave and turned back to me, seriously. “How so?”
He saw my reluctance to continue, so he tossed a mini bag of Famous Amos cookies to me. I opened them immediately and popped one into my mouth before deciding to continue. I had always told Mr. Way everything, so why not this?

“When everyone played Truth or Dare a few days ago, I was dared to kiss Guillermo. I did thinking ‘ooh big deal’, but… It fucked with my head, you know?” He took the tea out of the microwave, disposed of the tea bags, added honey and sugar, and then the Thera-Flu powder before mixing it up and handing it to me.
I took a long, slow drink of it. I hated the taste of Thera-Flu, but mixed with tea it actually tasted good.
I didn’t continue until he was back in his seat, watching me for any signs he could pick up on.
“I… We were outside the other night and without meaning to… Without even being able to stop myself, I kissed him again...” I didn’t want to even acknowledge these thoughts floating through my mind, but there was no stopping them.
“It freaked him out and we’re going on with our business like it didn’t happen, but I can’t stop thinking ‘what the fuck is going on with me’?” I saw him nod from over the rim of my cup as I gulped down another drink of it, the medicine coating my throat.

“It scares me… I don’t like being close to people, but with Guillermo, I can’t help it. He needs me there to help him with stuff, but the more I’m around him, the more I feel like I’m changing.” I ate another cookie and offered him one but he declined.
“What do you mean you feel like you’re changing, Gabe?” He pressed, hands folded under his chin. He was in complete counselor mode now, ready to help me in whatever way he could.

“I don’t… I don’t even know, really. I just feel different than when he wasn’t here. I didn’t give a fuck about what I was doing or how I was treating everyone, I guess. Since he’s came here and we started hanging out, I feel like I have to try my hardest to be a good person. I don’t want to let him down.”

I couldn’t process these things that were rolling off my tongue. I was still not fully awake and I just said whatever came to mind which only further distressed me.
“Yeah, you’re very fond of him, I can tell. You two are always together anymore and I think you’re suppressing a lot of things, Gabe. I don’t think you want to admit a lot of things to yourself, though they’re obvious.”
I didn’t want to listen to him. I knew Mr. Way always saw things I could never pick up on, but I didn’t want to acknowledge this.
“What were you thinking when you kissed him the second time?” He queried and I wriggled in my seat at the thought of running the incident through my head again.

“All I could think about was when it happened during the game. He had… Dammit, this is weird. He had tried to keep it going when I pulled back and I couldn’t help myself. It was…intriguing. And when we were outside together, he was picking at his lips and that was all I could focus on.”
He went to open up his mouth, but I accidentally interrupted, blurting out “What if I do it again? I dunno if I will or not, but how do I keep from fucking up our friendship?”
He tossed a skeptical glance toward me over his desk, accessing the situation and I felt uncomfortable not talking.

“We stayed up last night and I had asked him to read some lyrics for me and pick out which were better. We laid there for a long time talking, and sometimes I thought of it again and wanted to act on it, but didn’t want to get myself into a bad spot again.”
He nodded, a tiny smile trying to stay tamed upon his face. I didn’t see how my distress could make him smile. I gulped down the last bit of my drink and sat the cup on his desk, waiting for him to continue.
“You know what I think? I think Gabe has a bit of a crush going on, and he’s afraid to come to terms with it.”
He answered bluntly, causing a blatant red to creep up the back of my neck. I could feel it rising slowly like a thermometer. “Shut up.” I growled, though I averted my eyes to the paperwork on his desk. I honestly didn’t know if that was true or not. I didn’t want to have a crush on my friend because that would make everything that much harder if I did, but I could manage if that was the case. I just wasn’t sure what was wrong with me.
“Do you need to talk about anything else?” Mr. Way interrogated and when I vigorously shook my head no, he handed me some cold medicine and a bottle of water. “Take that and go back to bed. You need to get some rest to nip this shit in the bud before it gets bad. “

I didn’t want to, but I went back to the room, taking the medicine and laying back down. Guillermo was asleep across the room, only his face peeking out of the covers. I still wasn’t used to looking over and seeing his face. It was usually shrouded by his hair, but that couldn’t happen now that he cut it all off. I bundled up in my covers in much the same way, pulling the fabric over my head. Light was starting to peek in through the window.
I didn’t want to go back to sleep, didn’t feel like I could, but soon, the medicine kicked in. I could feel it slowly pulsing through my veins and to my brain, making my eyelids heavier than I could manage to hold up. My eyes slipped shut and within minutes, I was delving down into that unconsciousness I was aiming for.

“Gabe?” The voice didn’t process at first, but after hearing it another time, I started losing the world around me. The house I was surrounded by crumbled until nothing was left but black. “Gabe, wake up.” I felt a hand on my shoulder, shaking me lightly. I regained consciousness, eyes slowly prying open. “Hey, sit up.” William, who was standing over my bed, coaxed, pushing my legs aside to sit on the edge of the bed. I did as he said slowly, each movement like it were trapped in tar as I sat up and leaned against the wall.
I blinked repeatedly, yawned, stretched-anything to wake up before I finally glanced back over to him, rubbing at my right eye. “What?” I groaned, throat feeling like I had tried to swallow fire.
He handed me a cup and I automatically knew what it was. “Mr. Way wanted me to wake you up and give you that. And this medicine.” He handed me two pills and I popped them in my mouth, following them with a drink of the Thera-Flu tea.

“He said you’re coming down with a cold. Thought you had an impeccable immune system.” He poked in regards to my bragging about me never getting sick. I took a big drink, swallowing it slowly and concentrating on how it soothed my throat. “I said it was strong, not invincible, Amado.” I retorted as I pushed myself off of the bed and put the cup on my small dresser. “What time is it?” I tossed back to him as I found a pair of pants and a shirt, slipping into them.
“12:30” he answered in response, I exuding a quick sigh. I wished I could go back to sleep, but decided against it. I grabbed my cup and left the room, trekking to Mr. Way’s office. After knocking, I opened the door and walked in, pointing at the back corner.
“Feed me. I wasn’t woke up for breakfast.” He went to work finding something he could give me to eat as I plopped down in the same seat I’d been in earlier. “Well good morning to you too.” He greeted as he dumped something into a bowl and put it in the microwave.

As he waited for the food to heat, he turned to examine me, inquiring “Do you feel too shitty to leave the block? Because the Administrator requested we go help an old couple close to here move their stuff out of their house.” I didn’t much like the thought of leaving the block just to go do more work, but I would take it if it meant getting out of here for a few hours.
“Sure. How much stuff do they have though?”
He shrugged as he stopped the microwave and took the bowl out. “No idea, but I think it would be nice to get out and help someone.” He added, mixing the food up with a fork and handing me the bowl. I glanced down at the stew with uncertainty. Canned stew could either be awesome, or taste like shit.
I took a bite though and deemed it edible before scooting the chair closer to his desk so I could set the bowl down.
“We’ll leave in about thirty minutes, so after you eat that, go bundle up because it’s snowing again.”

After everyone was successfully loaded in the facility van and Mr. Way made sure we all buckled up, we headed out in search of the home. According to the directions Mr. Way had been given, it was a six minute drive and the house was located on Stevens street. The rest of the group joked about how Danny was so great, Madison had to name a street after him, but I couldn’t muster any input. I felt too drained and lethargic. We were there in no time, Mr. Way pulling up in front of the house with the moving semi-truck. It was a two story house with a light beige paint over the stucco walls that made the structure. It was a nice looking house, but I wouldn’t want to live in it. It reminded me of my old home too much.

There was an elder couple sitting on the porch, seemingly watching the languid tracks the snowflakes were making through the air, though it was obvious that they were awaiting our arrival. Upon stepping out of the van, the first thing I noticed was that the old man was in a wheelchair. I wondered what had happened, but would, by no means, ask. “Watch it, buddy.” Danny chortled as he tripped out of the van, nearly knocking both of us to the pavement in the process.
“Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Hayes.” Mr. Way greeted when we were all outside the vehicle and following him toward the house.
Their faces had matching smiles, welcoming us misfits to help them moving their belongings like it was a big deal to them that even rotten kids like us could be so kind as to help them. The woman was the first to respond, pushing her thin silvery hair out of her eyes and responding “Well, hello there. You must be our workers.” We watched Mr. W climb the porch steps and advance toward them, shaking both of their hands with a bright smile. He loved helping people, whether it was rehabilitating disturbed adolescents or cleaning out a house for kind elders.

“We really appreciate it, boys.” The man stated around the tube on his face. It was those that you saw from time to time, with the small nose piece to help them breathe, and there was an oxygen tank hooked to the back of his wheelchair. I hated seeing old people in such a condition, because they were usually such kind-hearted people and it gave me that sensation that they were very unhealthy and may not be around much longer. I took a long, slow intake of the air, my lungs burning incessantly. I was being hit by this cold fast, chest already feeling confined and head already pounding. They introduced themselves as Jerry and Sarah Hayes, telling us that they had no family members around to help them move, and that’s why we were helping.
They showed us inside to a beautifully decorated foyer with old portraits of people lining the walls. Mr. Way told them that they had nothing to worry about; we would take great care of every possession and they just needed to tell us how they preferred things packaged and the rest was of no worries for them. Sarah said that she didn’t mind how we did it, as long as we made sure to label things so they knew what box contained what.

Danny, Brendon, Jack, Mr. Way, and I would handle the furniture while William, Travis, Alex, and Frank would handle things like breakables, or general paraphernalia. Mr. Way and I immediately found the couple’s bed, setting out to take apart the frame after Jerry told him where to find the appropriate tools to do so. “So, it’s going to get worse, isn’t it?” He sighed upon us moving the mattress and box springs to get to the frame of the full-sized bed. I must have looked as bad as I felt.
“Yeah. I feel like shit.” I chided in response, plopping down on the floor and working at the screws in the metal frame.
I went to say something, but William came into the room, followed by Alex. They walked circles in the room, looking for knick-knacks and other breakable items, Mr. Way and I falling awkwardly silent as they did. He noticed my gaze following him after the fourth picture frame was placed gingerly in the box Alex was carrying, he flashing a smile my way. He must have known I was feeling shitty.

I thought it amusing how Alex had been following him around since yesterday when Jack wasn’t around. He must have seen something in Guillermo that was closely relatable to, or the two had been talking. Either way, I found it interesting. It would probably be good for Guillermo too, having someone depend on him. When they left the room, Mr. Way gave a tiny snicker, uttering “Your crush is showing.”
I didn’t care to acknowledge it.

We were there for about three hours, cleaning and moving things out into the truck before the elder woman made us go to the kitchen for a snack, saying that it was the least she could do for us. She’d made fruit salad and had bowls lined out for everyone. We all made sure to thank her profusely, especially consider how perfectly made it was, but she was quick to turn it around on us, saying that she should be thanking us for helping them. After everyone was finished and we went back to work, Danny and I worked with the furniture in the living room, carrying the couch and recliners out and stowing them away in the truck.
We’d been working for about five hours before everything was moved out and packed into the moving truck, everyone exhausted. The old woman was thanking the group and telling us about them moving to Ohio to be closer to their daughter when I noticed the old man leading William down the hallway. I wondered what was up, but didn’t pursue it.
After that, we headed back to the facility, Mr. Way commending us for how well we acted the whole way there. I had noticed William holding a small binder to his stomach. Had the old man given it to him?