My Life Without You In It is a Life That's Not Worth Living

Valentines Day.

Big deal. Not.

I don’t know, I guess it’s just never been a big deal for me. I never have a significant other at the time, so why make a big deal out of it? I’m not going to go around saying I hate it like a single, desperate teenager, because I guess it’s great for all those people who do have someone to share it with. It’s just nothing really special to me.

Although, to be honest, my birthday is two days after Valentines Day and that’s not really a big deal to me anymore either. Even on my sixteenth birthday this year, my older brother will probably get more attention anyway. He’s the one everyone fusses over all the time; I’m just like the superfluous sibling. Usually I try to shrug it off and not care too much, but when it comes to my birthday it can kind of make me feel a little low.

Ha. As if feeling low is new to me.

Anyway, a birthday is just a birthday. Mark the occasion, go to sleep, and in the morning nothing’s changed except for perhaps a few new material objects and finding leftover cake in the fridge.

But whatever. Enough depressing talk for now. I don’t dwell over it; it’s just a fact of life. Accept it and move on, or risk getting caught in the darkest darkness of my mind again; something I’d like to avoid if I can help it. The walls to that place are high and hard to climb.

So yes, it was Valentines Day. It was a miserable day outside, overcast and raining gently, but I didn’t mind. I was curled up on the couch reading a riveting book, my mind completely lost in the world of horrifying vampires, suicidal children and gore. This beats Twilight any day. I was completely content; my ugg boots snug on my feet, engulfing the bottoms of my black skinny jeans. I hadn’t bothered doing anything with my hair; if I’d straightened it the moisture in the air would have defeated it anyway. So instead the blonde waves just spilled over my shoulders, hastily tucked behind my ears so that I could read without the interruption of my fringe, in desperate need of a trim. A cold breeze blew through the kitchen window as my mom opened it, and I snuggled deeper into the white and blue couch hugging my cream-colored hoodie tighter to me, flipping the page with rapt anticipation.

“Brigitte?” my mom’s voice floated through the doorless doorway from the kitchen to the living room where I was reading, the only sound being the rain falling gently on the roof.

“Yeah?”

I tried not to show my annoyance at the interruption.

“Could you please do something for me?”

I sighed softly, marking my page with a receipt and closing the cover of my book. I knew I should have stayed in my room.

“What?” I asked, not rudely just curiously. If it’s possible to be curious without really giving it much thought at all.

“Your Nan’s coming over for dinner. I need you to go to the shops and get some basil and pasta shells.”

I groaned inwardly.

“Why can’t you go?” I whined.

“Because your Dad’s got the car and the doctor told me that I shouldn’t do much walking for the next few days.”

Damn. She had a liable excuse. I rolled my eyes and groaned, more evidently this time so that she knew I wasn’t happy about my little mission. I stood up and stretched quickly, making a kissy face towards my cat Maisy who just looked at me like I was completely retarded. I chuckled a little to myself and walked into the kitchen. Mum gave me twenty dollars and wrote down some brand names as I slipped my feet out of my slippers and into my classic black converse, wincing a little as they touched the cold tiled floor.

“Bring an umbrella,” Mom reminded me as I began to slide open the door.

I nodded and acknowledgement and grabbed the nearest one before slipping outside into the cold wind, wrapping a soft blue scarf around my neck and zipping up my hoodie. It was only when I was already out of the house and walking that I realized the umbrella I picked, vibrant blue in color, was also decorated with some sort of animal’s face with pop-up ears to match.

Fantastic.

Sarcasm.

My iPod played The Strokes on repeat as I walked, robotically, no need to concentrate on my footsteps because I’d walked this path a thousand times before. I thought about little nothings that I can’t recall. I got to the block of shops and put my stupid umbrella down, shaking droplets of water off it and wrapping it up as well as I could. As soon as I entered the mall building, I was reminded of the day’s occasion. Almost every store window was decorated with a huge heart-shaped sign or something of the sort. It was pretty much inescapable. I hooked the handle of the umbrella over my arm as I walked into the supermarket, searching shelves for the specific ingredients I’d been sent to retrieve. I found the pasta shells easy enough, but it seemed like they were all out of the type of basil I was supposed to get.

This left me with two options;

1. Ask someone who works here if they have it.

Or

2. Go to the supermarket upstairs.

Now I hate asking people for things normally, and on a day like today when conversing felt like a chore I was definitely opting for option number two.

I paid for the pasta shells and began to make my way upstairs. I must have walked past at least a dozen coffee shops, all packed with couples of all ages being all cutesy or engaging in rather unnecessary PDA’s. I quickly tried to hide my face as I walked past my friend Alana at a café with her long term boyfriend William, but they were too busy being ‘lost in each other’s eyes’ or whatever to notice any other form of humanity.

I made my way upstairs, got the damn basil at what was probably a rip-off price, but I don’t always keep tabs on the cost of herbs so I wouldn’t really know. On my way back downstairs I noticed some guy present a white stuffed toy holding a red velvet ‘I love you’ heart to his girlfriend, who giggled and accepted the token with a kiss on the corner of the guy’s mouth. Now that’s something that’s always baffled me; what on earth happens to all those little toys after Valentines Day? Surely the shops don’t continue to try and sell them? And what about all those people who receive them? I highly doubt they all snuggle up to them every night; not when they’ve got boyfriends to do that instead. The toys would just get stashed at the back of a cupboard, giving their love to dust bunnies, serving no purpose. A waste of money, although I guess they soak in sweet memories.

Doesn’t matter anyway.

I was about to leave, successfully managing to avoid my other friend Manisha and her boyfriend Michael who were walking with big grins and entwined fingers, and started rejoicing a little at the fact that no one had seen me.

Guess I spoke too soon.

Or thought too soon.

“Bridge!”

Regardless of the date, regardless of everything I’d just been thinking, the corners of my lips turned upwards to smile at the boy waving at me about ten meters ahead. I shook my head slightly at his extravagant waving, chuckling to myself as I wrapped my earphones around my iPod and pocketed it and walked over to meet him.

“Hey,” I greeted, managing to drop my groceries and umbrella as I tried to tuck a stray blonde strand of hair behind my ear. He smiled, bending down to pick up my groceries as I picked up the damn umbrella.

“Hey,” he said, flicking some of his curly brown hair out of his eyes as he handed me back the plastic bag.

“Meeting someone?” I asked, remembering what day it was.

Let’s face it; Andy ‘The Butcher’ Mrotek was attractive. Maybe not in the way that most guys at our school were or in the way that the guys I was usually attracted to were, but he was still good-looking. I usually went for the ‘emo’ guys, hair sweeping over their eyes and skinny jeans to accentuate every angle. Andy wasn’t like that. He was tall and muscular, but you’d only know about his good build if you were up close. His hair was curly, light brown and as gently sunkissed as his skin. He had a thin silver nose ring that suited him unbelievably well, and as for his eyes… His eyes were a great mystery to me. Their color all depended on the light. Sometimes they looked blue, other times green, other times brown. I suppose I’ll settle for calling them hazel, but his eyes intrigue me. Heck, he intrigues me. We’re kind of friends. We speak sometimes at school, and he’s friends with some of my friends’ ‘significant others’. And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been crushing on him a lot a bit lately. Of course, as fate would have it, he finds me alone on Valentines Day. Great.

He chuckled a little nervously and shook his head.

“Nah. No one wants me this year. It’s just another day anyway. What about you? Cooking dinner for someone special?”

He gestured toward the shopping bag. Now it was my turn to get nervous and blush a little.

“No. I’m flying solo this year too. My Valentine’s night consists of having my Nan over for dinner. If I’m lucky, maybe mum will make a nice dessert or something.”

Why did I go ahead and tell him all that? Honestly, as if he cares! What’s wrong with me? A little part of me knew. I’m a girl with a crush, that’s what.

“Seriously?” he asked me, seeming surprised. “You’re not taken?”

Great. Way to make me feel better about this whole situation.

“Uh, no.”

Talk about awkward. Well, that’s what I felt the silence that followed to be like, but he seemed to feel differently if his constant smile was anything to go by.

“Well in that case, I don’t need to worry about getting beaten up if I buy you a flower.”

Wait, what? As I tried to comprehend what was going on, he had already started towards the florist a few stores down.

“Wait, Andy, you don’t need to do that…” I began, but there was no use. The determination set in his face stated firmly that he wasn’t going to change his mind.

So I waited awkwardly, blushing like crazy as he purchased and held out a pretty flower encased in purple wrapping. It seemed to look a bit like a white rose, but I’m no expert, the tips of the elegant petals a deep rich red.

“Happy Valentines Day, my dear,” he said, feigning an English accent and bowing so dramatically low that the hood of his hoodie fell over his head.

I giggled; actually giggled as he grinned on his ascent, displaying bright white teeth.

“Now I feel like I have to give you something, Valentine,” I sighed, pretending to be annoyed.

“Well, if you’re short for cash you know you could always just agree to go out with me on Monday night…” he trailed off, and I looked up to see him looking at his converse-clad feet almost bashfully.

Holy crap. He’s being serious.

If I wasn’t blushing before, I damn well am now.

“Uh, I-I can’t make M-Monday…” I stuttered out, but he seemed to get the wrong idea as his face fell slightly. I made sure I was quick to pick up on my sentence. “I-It’s my birthday, so I can’t. What about Tuesday?”

His heartwarming smile was back in its rightful place almost immediately, his eyes perhaps holding even more of a shine than usual, if that’s possible.

“Yeah, Tuesday sounds great!” How does his face not ache from that enthusiastic smile? “Hey, I don’t think I have your number…”

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and gave it to me, and I reciprocated the actions. Once we’d filled in our details and returned the devices to their rightful owners, we both smiled at each other sheepishly.

“Uh, I better go do what I’ve been sent here to do…” he trailed off, averting his colorful eyes from my blue ones.

“Right! Yeah. Okay. I, uh, guess I’ll talk to you later then?”

“Yeah definitely,” he nodded. “I’ll call you. Or text you. Soon.”

“Okay,” I smiled at the ground, but looked up just in time to meet his eyes for one more of his genuine smiles before he blew me a kiss and began to walk in the other direction.

I couldn’t help the big smile to myself as I gathered all my belongings, careful of the beautiful, delicate flower placed in my care. I turned around to go, thankful that I couldn’t see the rain outside anymore, but a gentle, rough hand on my upper arm was a magnet for my attention and I turned back again to be immediately met with Andy’s soft, amazing lips. The way they moved with such precision against my own slightly chapped ones made me fall into him, his hands at the back of my neck and just-more-than-ghosting down to my waist. I kept the flower in my fingers as my arms wrapped around his neck, but the rest of my stuff fell to the floor as his strong arms lifted me up off the ground, causing my smile to grow to feed our unbroken kiss.

But everything unbroken must partially crack at some point, and a few moments later our publicized passion had to end with labored breathing, just dancing on the edge of innocence.

“Happy Valentines Day again,” he whispered, warm breath hitting my lips and making my mouth water just a bit.

“Yeah,” I breathed as he pulled away.

Once he was completely out of my sight and I was slightly less dazzled, I picked up my things once again. I began my walk home, grin never fading as the clouds seemed to part for me, soft sunlight streaming through to light up the dampened sidewalk. My arms were laden with heavier items than before, but my heart was considerably lighter.

The funny thing is, I never even knew it was so heavy until he came to help me carry it.