I Left My Heart in Moscow but My Love Waits in Pittsburgh

“I need time,” I said, “I just need time.” My head was resting on Jordan’s chest, I could hear the steady beat of his heart. His arm was wrapped around me, holding me close, as his fingers were intertwined with my hair.

“What?”

“I need time to figure everything out. I’m not saying no, but I’m not saying yes either. I need to sort everything out, things are going to become really hectic. I have rehearsals and performance season is coming up and your hockey season is coming up too. You’ll be traveling for away games and I might have to tour with the Company. There’s a lot of stuff going on and I just want us to last,” I said as honestly as I possibly could, without mentioning Evgeni. Almost ironically, not mentioning him made me think of him more.

“I can wait,” Jordan said, “Its just how long?”

“I- I don’t know, I wish I could I say,”

“I can’t wait forever,” Jordan said as his other hand slipped out from underneath the quilt to caress my cheek.

“I hope it doesn’t take forever.”

“Me too,” Jordan said as he withdrew his hand and drew the blanket over my shoulders, “Sleep, Sveta, sleep.” I sleepily nodded as I drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.

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I gazed at her sleeping form, she looked so serene, so innocent. I could hear the crickets, if there were any in the city, I could hear her soft breathing. I could feel her warm breath on my chest, I could feel her fragile body pressed against mine. Of course, there have been others, countless others, who have slept in the same position as Sveta did now. But this was different. I couldn’t breathe, it was as if the simple rising and falling of my chest would destroy the moment. I couldn’t help but stare at her. Her silky, strawberry-scented, sable hair that wound it’s way down her back, the angelic purity of her face. It made my heart ache just to think about her crying at the club. What’s more was that it made me angry to think anyone would make her cry. “I don’t know what happened at the club, but I’m not going to let anything hurt you, ever. I promise,” I whispered as I kissed her forehead.

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I awoke to the sound of shuffling and the smell of pancakes. As I lazily sat up, a thought ran through my mind: I’m not in my own bed. Panic struck me as blurry images of last night flashed into my head. Negroskis, guys being dicks, dancing with Max, talking with Evgeni, talking with Jordan. The last two made my head pound, or maybe it was the negroskis. I ran a hand through my hair, in an effort to untangle it, as I reluctantly swung my legs out from under the warm blanket onto the cold floor. I lazily walked into the kitchen, my legs still trying to wake up.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty. Being the gracious host that I am, I made you breakfast. What time do you have to be at the Theatre?” Jordan said as he set a plate of pancakes on the table.

“Good morning,” I couldn’t help but smile at how sweet Jordan was being, “I have to be at the Theatre by 10:30.”

“Well, it’s 9:00, and I’m guessing it takes about 20 minutes to get to the Theatre, so eat up and get dressed, I’ll drop you off on my way to practice.”

“Okay,” I said as I sat down at the table and started to eat. The pancakes were fluffy and delicious, “This is really good, Jordan,”

“Thanks,” Jordan said as he too sat down at the table, across from me, and ate breakfast, “About last night… Do you remember it?”

“I didn’t drink that much,” I deadpanned, “So yeah, I do,” I added softly.

Jordan scratched the back of his neck as he sighed, “I shouldn’t have said it, I- I was-”

I reassuringly rubbed his forearm, “Don’t say that, don’t regret what you said, don’t regret what you did, because- because I don’t.”

“You don’t?” Jordan said both in shock and disbelief.

“No, I don’t, at least I don’t think so,” I said with a slight smile, “I just need-”

“Time, I know, and I’m willing to wait,” Jordan said reassuringly, “Get dressed, and I’ll wash the dishes. Then, we can head out.”

“Sure thing,” I said smiling as I handed Jordan my plate, for a split second our hands touched but I quickly pulled my hand away like when you put your hand over a fire, because for a split second I swore I could feel an electricity. I grudgingly changed into the clothes I wore yesterday, albeit slightly wrinkled. I hated the looks I received from Jordan’s neighbors when they saw I was wearing the same clothes from last night and even more I hated how unsurprised some of them were as Jordan waved and gave them a thumbs up as we walked to his car. I quickly texted Alicia that I was on my way, and she replied that she would wait for me in the Lobby.

The car ride was entirely too short, the trip was filled with laughter and singing along to the songs playing on the radio. “I guess this is your stop,” Jordan said as he pulled over in front of the Theatre.

“Yeah, I guess it is,” I said as Jordan hugged me goodbye, the embrace lingered as I, at least wanted to, think that both of us didn't want to leave. I felt so safe, so warm, in Jordan's arms like nothing could hurt me.

“I’ll walk you to the door,” Jordan said, less like a suggestion and more like demand.

I nodded as Jordan broke the embrace and left the car to open my door. As he walked me to the grand front entrance of the Theatre, Jordan said, “I don’t think I can make coffee today. I have a long practice today since the start of the season is in a few weeks.”

“It’s okay,” I said as I hugged him, “I’ll miss you when you go to Sweden.”

“Me too, at least we still have a few weeks more,” Jordan said as I reluctantly broke the embrace as out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alejandro, but I don’t think he saw me.

“At least,” I said dismally, “Well I think I have to go in,”

“I guess you do,” Jordan said as he started to walk back to his car.

I took a deep breath before entering the Theatre, where Alicia was sitting on a bench looking bored with my black duffel bag in her lap. “Sorry to keep you waiting,” I said as I walked over to Alicia.

“Oh! Hi! Don’t worry I haven’t been waiting that long, you can go change in the bathroom,” Alicia said as she handed me my dance bag, pointing me in the direction of a bathroom. I quickly changed into my classic, scoop front black leotard with a multi-strapped criss-crossed back and pink tights.

“Okay, let’s go,” I said as I exited the bathroom, my street clothes safely folded and tucked away in my dance bag.

“Alright, let’s go,” Alicia said, as I noted her wearing a coral, mock turtleneck leotard with the zipper front, believe it or not but it was one of her more conservative leotards, “So how was the club?” Alicia asked elbowing me in the ribs.

“Oh it was fun, but there was this guy who was being a jerk but the guys fixed that easily,”

“Oh that’s good. Did you remember my advice? No glove, no love?” Alicia asked.

“Jordan and I did not have sex,” I said feeling a faint blush creeping onto my cheeks, “I just slept over because by the time we left the club it was almost 2.”

“So you guys slept in different beds?” Alicia asked.

“No, same bed,”

“Really? Same bed? And nothing happened? He didn’t try anything? From what I heard, Jordan Staal is a real lady’s man, a player,” The way she said it, honestly scared me. Everyone has told me that Jordan had a way with girls, Jordan’s a lady’s man, Jordan’s a player, that he wouldn’t be good for me, but I didn’t- I couldn’t believe a word they said.

“Nothing, we just talked and slept,” I said as I tried to fight the blush that was undoubtedly deepening to crimson.

“That blush tells me that wasn’t all you guys did,” Alicia said as she jokingly poked my ribs.

“You can’t tell anyone okay? Not even Anna or Robbie and no saying this on YouTube either.”

“Okay, I get it sworn to secrecy, don’t worry I can keep a secret, what happened?” Alicia asked eagerly.

“We kissed,” I admitted my cheeks burning.

“That’s it,” Alicia said flatly, “I thought it’d racier than that,”

“Sorry to disappoint,” I said sharply, narrowing my eyes.

“It’s not that,” Alicia said apologetically, “It’s just the way you swore me to secrecy, I thought it’d be more than just you guys making out. But no worries, I won’t tell a soul.”

“It’s okay,” I said unsure why I was so defensive. A friend of mine once said, you’re only defensive if you’re hiding something but what was I hiding? “Are the castings up?” I asked, changing the subject.

“The castings!” Alicia exclaimed, “They are up! Or at least they should be,” Alicia suddenly grabbed my hand pulled me down the hallway to a wall with a large cork board with the word “Schedules” written on the top. There were papers with all of the dancers’ names on it, with what I assumed our schedules were for that day. Then a paper on an empty the side of the corkboard read ‘Castings for Showcase,’ naturally there was a crowd of people surrounding the slip of paper. It was almost unbelievable to think such a tiny slip of paper could draw such a crowd. “Okay, so this is where all the schedules are for the day, now that performance season is right around the corner, you should check this everyday. Now let’s see which roles we got,” Alicia said eagerly as she led me into the dissipating clump of people.

I quickly skimmed through the sheet, almost missing my name. Towards the bottom, it read: “Pas de deux - Svetlana Khitrova & Alejandro Diaz Choreographed by: Charles Murphy.” I wasn’t sure if I should be happy or mad that I was being given a role in a pas de deux or that I was given a role in a pas de deux with Alejandro.

“I got it!” Alicia exclaimed, “I got the lead in the Moulin Rouge! Group number and you got a role in the pas de deux with Alex.”

“Hey guys,” I heard Anna say from behind us, “What role did I get?” she must have just arrived. I quickly skimmed through the list and saw her name in under corps for one of the group numbers, but also her name under the understudy for the lead. “Oh,” was all she said, and from that I could tell she was disappointed. I didn’t- I couldn’t turn around and face her, I knew that her face would be fraught with disappointment and anger.

“Anna,” Alicia said, “At least you’re the understudy, that means there’s a chance.”

“I guess,” Anna said, her voice quaking, “Let’s go to class, we need to warm-up,” Anna added, as she held her head high, not caring who saw the tears welling up in her eyes. We silently walked to class, as I stole looks at Anna who remained stone faced, save for the tears that threatened to betray her expression. Before we entered the studio, “Is it bad that I’m wishing Martha’s knee will give out again,” Anna said letting the tears escape and stream down her face.

“Oh, honey,” Alicia said as she hugged Anna, “Svetlana,” Alicia gestured for me to enter the hug as well.

I nodded, as I hugged Anna, “Not all,” I added.

“Then why do I feel so terrible,” Anna said.

“Because you’re friends with Martha but you still want her role,”

Anna nodded ruefully, “Let’s get inside,” Anna said as she wiped the tears from her red-rimmed eyes. Alicia and I just nodded as we entered the studio and instead of meeting up with the others, the three of us just stretched in a corner on our own.

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“So you and Sveta?” Max said wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at Jordan who had just come off the ice, “Saw you two leave the club together,”

“Oh?” Evgeni asked, the comment piquing his interest.

“Yeah, and?” Jordan asked.

“You two did have sex, right? I mean, you kept giving her those negroskis like they were going out of style,”

“We did not have sex,” Jordan’s eyes narrowed as he hissed the words.

“Told you,” Tyler said, “Told you you’d get friend zoned.”

“I am not in the friend zone,” Jordan said tersely, “I told her how I felt, and she said she needed time,”

“Is this the first time you brought a girl to your apartment and didn’t hook up with her?” Kris asked, Jordan opened his mouth to say something but instead stayed quiet, “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Sveta’s a sweet girl and I don’t think she deserves to be played,” Sidney suddenly said.

“What are you trying to say?” Jordan defended, his jaw tense.

“I’m just saying, you got a history and it’s kinda hard to ignore. You know what they say, a tiger doesn’t change its stripes,”

“I’m not playing her,” Jordan said through gritted teeth, his hands balled into fists.

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Class and lunch passed by quickly and I couldn’t help but feel closer to Anna than ever before. During lunch and class, we joked and chatted casually, and Anna seemed more like the effervescent, talkative girl I first met. But at lunch, I still couldn’t help but notice Anna’s behavior towards food. She would cut up her food into tiny pieces and eat each one individually. She would chew each piece thoroughly and drink sips of her zero-calorie Fresca in between.

The three of us chatted as we all walked to our respective studios. “How was the club last night?” Anna asked me.

“It was fun,” I said, not wanting to reveal too much.

“Whose place did you stay at?”

“Jordan’s,”

“Anything happen?” Anna asked curiously.

“No, not really,”

“Really?” Anna said in disbelief, “Really?” she mouthed to Alicia.

“Well, not technically,” Alicia said.

“Alicia!” I exclaimed, “I thought I swore you to secrecy,”

“Hey, don’t blame me! Anna’s like a conversation wizard,” Alicia defended.

“That’s right, I am,” Anna joked cockily, “Anyways, so what did happen?”

“We kissed,” I said looking down at the floor, blushing.

“Wait Jordan, as in Jordan Staal?” Anna asked, I nodded in response, “I’ve heard so many things about him, like he’s a complete player,”

“How many girls have you actually seen him with?” I said not wanting to believe it.

“A few,” Anna said with a nervous smile, “Look, guys like him don’t change, and everyone knows that he’ll hook up with anyone who has a pulse.” I only nodded in response as we continued to walk, I had practice in the Balanchine studio which was on the top floor, while Alicia and Anna had theirs on the ground level. The whole walk to the studio, I spent trying to convince myself what Anna had said was nothing but a rumor, but deep down I knew there had to be a kernel of truth. When I entered the Balanchine studio, Mr. Murphy and Alejandro were already there talking, casually leaning against the ballet barre.

“Hi,” I said shyly as dropped my dance bag onto the floor and slipped off my sweatpants and exchanged my flats for pointe shoes.

“Hey, go ahead and get warmed up and then we’ll start,” Mr. Murphy said as he plugged his iPod into the dock. I nodded as I stretched and warmed up at the barre. I took in the unfamiliar studio, it was one of the smaller studios but one of the walls was entirely made of mirrors and the wall opposite was a window showing sweeping views of the Pittsburgh cultural district. The ceilings were vaulted and high, with a sun roof, letting sunlight pour in. After I warmed up thoroughly, I joined Alejandro who was now standing in the center of the studio.

“Hi,” I greeted.

“Hey,” Alejandro said flashing his gleaming white smile, “Long time no see,” he joked.

“Do you have any idea what we’re going to do?” I asked.

“Nope, but if Charlie’s choreographing it’ll be great,”

“Okay, guys,” Mr. Murphy said clapping his hands together, “The story for this piece is the relationship between a man and his mistress. And Svetlana, you want to leave him but you can’t because he’s everything you’ve ever wanted.”

“So, it’s kind of like I want to leave him but I he has such a hold on me that I can’t bring myself to leave him, even though I know it’s wrong,” I said trying to grasp the concept.

“Exactly,” Mr. Murphy said, “I want to explore the more contemporary side of ballet. The more lyrical side, and we’ll incorporate the ballet side of it with the intricate partnering and by adding twists to classical moves,”

“Sweet,” Alejandro said, but I was not as enthusiastic. I was never trained in the contemporary style and had always danced classical pieces. “Are you worried?” Alejandro teased.

“Is it that obvious?”

“Yeah just a little,” Alejandro said sarcastically.

“I’ve always been a classical ballerina, I’ve never even studied contemporary at the Academy.”

“It is different, but I’ll help you, so don’t worry,” Alejandro reassured.

“Okay, so I’m gonna play the song and I want you guys to get a feel for it,” Mr. Murphy said as he pressed play on his remote for the dock.

“Do you know
It doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day?
'Cause I know
That all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got

Tell you that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
I tell you that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
I tell you that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
I wanna stay
I wanna stay
I wanna stay

But I know I'm gonna lose myself this way.

I wanna stay
I wanna stay
I wanna stay

But I know I'm gonna lose myself this way.

Do you know
It doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day?” she sang.

“I like it,” I said slowly processing the simple chords and the poetry of the poignant lyrics.

“Me too,” Alejandro said.

“Good, we’ll start getting the steps down today and hopefully we can finish learning the choreography by the end of the week and we can polish and make it perfect by dress rehearsals. We have to hurry because schedule’s tight. Plus, a photographer and journalist for the local magazine are coming tomorrow to do a piece on the Company and promote the Showcase. Also we got those camera guys coming to get some footage for the YouTube channel and they want to interview you two.”

“Alright, let’s get to work,” Alejandro said clapping his hands together, mocking Mr. Murphy.

“Hey, remember we do have an understudy for you,” Mr. Murphy joked, “Okay so we’re going to start with you, Svetlana sitting here, and Alex you’re behind her, a little bit further, like yeah, about 6 feet.” I hesitantly sat in position as I saw Alejandro flash me a thumbs up in the mirror, making me smile.

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The rehearsal went well, with a few awkward moments here and there, particularly some of the lifts and partner work. We made great progress about 1/3 of the way through the number, though we did have to stay later. But we were ahead of schedule according the Mr. Murphy, who insisted I call him Charlie.

As I slipped on my sweatpants and traded my pointe shoes for flats, “See yah, Svetlana,” Mr. Mur- Charlie called.

“Bye, Charlie,” I replied as I finished packing up, “Thank you,” I added as Charlie held the studio door open for me, Alejandro had left earlier because he had to get ready for a ‘hot date.’

I was greeted by the eager faces of Alicia and Anna, “Wh-What’s the story?” They both blurted out at once.

“Umm, it’s about what happens when a mistress doesn’t have the strength to leave,” I replied, “What about you guys?”

“Mine’s the preview for the new ballet, Moulin Rouge! It’s like a love triangle. I play the top can-can dancer for the Moulin Rouge. So it’s like the patron and I are in love but the owner is like obsessed with me and is trying to tear us apart. It’s so good,” Alicia glowed.

“I’m in the preview for the modern retelling of Cinderella, it’s called the Glass Shoe. It’s not so much a large group number with a large corps. There’s only about 4 of us on stage, but it’s centered around the Cinderella and the Prince. I play one of the evil stepsisters,” Anna said bitterly, she was obviously still bitter about dancing a small part. To be fair, I would be too.

“It seems like the Company is really trying to move forward,” Alicia observed, “I mean we used to only do those Balanchine ballets, they were great but these new lyrical, contemporary ballets are more accessible.”

“I don’t know, I’ve always loved the classics, and I don’t think anything can beat the tradition and richness of Classical ballet,” I defended.

“True, true,” Alicia conceded.

Dinner was a simple salad and soup and after that, the three of us went our separate ways. Alicia and Anna went out to a club and they did invite me, but I politely declined, having my fill of clubs for now. I was sitting in my room bored, when my phone started to vibrate. It was Jordan calling.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hi, it’s Jordan,”

“Hi,” I said unsure of why Jordan was calling.

“I just wanted to talk,” Jordan explained, as if he read my mind, “I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“That’s really sweet of you to say Jordan,”

“It’s the truth, so whatcha doing?”

“Nothing really, just laying down, resting, being bored,”

“Let’s play 20 questions,” Jordan suggested jokingly.

“We have to find a new game,” I joked.

“Why fix what isn’t broken,” Jordan simply said.

“I guess let’s play, you go first,” I replied confused about his motives.

“How was your day?”

“It was okay, I mean I think I’m closer to Anna now, she’s really opening up to me. And we found out our roles for the Showcase. I’m in a pas de deux with Alejandro and, uh, it’s definitely out of my comfort zone.”

“That can be a good thing,”

“I guess we won’t find out till the end,” I mused.

“I guess we won’t. Your turn,”

“How was your long practice?”

“Grueling, suicides and drills galore, but it’ll all pay off in the end.”

“Sounds terrible,” I said with a shudder.

“It was, I was sitting in the ice whirlpool and the hot whirlpool for a while, but I’m still pretty sore,”

“Ice whirlpools,” I said grimacing at the thought, “I’ve had my fair share of those. Hated them, but they were the best thing for keeping my legs fresh,”

“Amen to that,”

“It’s your turn,” I said with a chuckle.

“Have you had any major injuries?” Jordan asked.

“Oh boy, where to begin?” I joked, my heart, I thought silently to myself, “Let’s see, I’ve had a few minor ankle sprains, a mild calf strain, a completely broken left fibula, a fractured left tibia, and a surgically repaired left medial meniscus,”

“Wow,” Jordan said, almost impressed, “I don’t think I’ve even had that many injuries. How can you still walk?”

“The physiotherapist at the Theatre is really helpful with preventing and treating my injuries and Pilates helps too. I’m kind of lucky, I know a lot of girls with worse. Snapping hip, tendonitis, herniated discs, stress fractures, shin splints, ligament tears, dislocations, the list goes on. Why do you ask? That’s my question by the way,”

“Well, we are on the topic of sports medicine and I’m genuinely curious,” Jordan said I could tell that he shrugged his shoulders, despite not physically seeing him, “I noticed that you tend to favor your left side, when you walk sometimes,”

“Oh,” I said my mouth forming a large ‘o.’ “It’s kind of a habit, I guess, but I’ve been relatively pain-free for a while now.”

“Relatively? Relative to what? That is my question,”

To the gaping pain in my chest, “To how it was before, to how it was when I broke it,” I admitted.

“How did it happen?” Jordan asked curiously.

“I was 17 and I had just started my tenure with the Bolshoi. One day, I was late to class and I hadn’t warmed up properly. I was attempting a new leap combination, which I wasn’t completely comfortable with. It was a jeté entrelacé connected to a grand jeté. I had done both of those skills before but I couldn’t do them in combination. The first leap, I was a little apprehensive but I landed okay. It was the grand jeté where it all went wrong. It was disastrous, I landed awkwardly and my foot to slip, causing my ankle to roll outward. If that wasn’t bad enough, I had landed with locked knees and the moment I landed, I felt a locking and popping in my left knee, naturally I fell. As I tried to get up, my ankle just gave out from under me with a sickening crunch. The physios thought I had a severe sprain, but they couldn’t tell since my ankle had ballooned. The doctor I was referred to said I had broken my fibula and fractured my tibia, he also said that I had torn my meniscus. I had to get surgery on my ankle and my knee. They put metal pins in to hold the bones in place so they would heal properly and they put tacks in my knee to repair my meniscus. I was constantly being told I was lucky, because my knee and ankle healed properly and quickly so I could dance again,” I said recounting the story solemnly.

“Sounds terrible,” Jordan said.

“It was,” I said but the pain of physical therapy and the actual injury was nothing to the pain in my heart, it felt like my heart was being slowly shredded in two.

“At least you’re all better now,” Jordan said.

“Yeah,” I said as I palpated down the outside of my leg to my left ankle, if I pressed hard enough, I can feel the screws holding my ankle together. The familiar feeling of the screws made me think of what the doctor had said to me: ‘when it heals it will be stronger than ever, stronger than it was before the injury.’ If only I could find screws to hold my heart together, if only my heart could heal and be stronger than ever, stronger than before the injury. If only. If only it could heal so I could love Jordan. If only.