I Left My Heart in Moscow but My Love Waits in Pittsburgh

I'm hopelessly in love with you. The words echoed in my mind as I lay in the arms of the man, who just said them. He just admitted that he loved me. But did I love him?

Of course I love him. Not only that, I'm in love with him. But it was never a matter of whether I love him or not. It's a matter if I was ready for a relationship, with that level of commitment. Was I ready to give him everything, my heart, my body, my love, given everything that has happened with Evgeni? I needed time. Time to forget Evgeni, if that was possible. Time to get over Evgeni. But how many times could I keep using that card and the more times I used it, the more tattered that card became.

I rolled onto my side and stared at Jordan. Here I was lying in Jordan Staal's bed and I was thinking about Evgeni Malkin. If the circumstances were different, I might have chuckled. The way the full moon cast it's light on his face made even more handsome, if that was possible. He looked more innocent with his long lashes sweeping against the high cheekbones of his serene face. I couldn't resist kissing his cheek before cuddling against him and slipping into a peaceful slumber.



"Good morning, sunshine!" Jordan exclaimed, stretching out the 'o' in morning.

My eyelids felt heavy as I struggled to open them. Bright sunlight streamed in through the open windows. After blinking away the sleep, I saw that the room had been decorated with colorful streamers and confetti and Mylar balloons. "What's going on? Did a disco ball explode?" I asked as I sat up.

Jordan let out a hearty laugh, and with barely concealed glee, "Happy birthday!"

"How- how did you know?" I asked in complete shock.

"20 questions, duh," He said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "How wasted were you that night?" Jordan teased as he produced a neatly-wrapped, ivory box and placed it in my lap.

I held the box in my hands, "You really didn't have to get me a present," I began.

"I wanted to. Now open it," He smiled broadly as I nodded.

Tearing off the delicate wrapping paper, it revealed a tin box. I looked up at Jordan with questioning eyes.

"Go on," He nodded, encouraging me.

I took off the lid and inside was a beautiful watch. It was made of white ceramic and had rose gold detailing on the face, numbers and hands. "Oh, Jordan it's perfect," I cooed as I slipped it on my wrist.

"You said you wanted time," His voice was soft and earnest. Gone was the teasing glint in his eyes, gone was the smirk, all that was there was Jordan, sweet Jordan.

"You're too good to me," I smiled broadly as I felt tears of happiness, joy and love pricking my eyes.

"Thank you."

"Well, your welcome. Now what does the Birthday Princess want to do today?"

"I want to go to the Z-" I paused and thought about it, "The apartment."

"You want to go to the apartment? That’s pretty boring."

"I need to pick up some clothes. Not all of them but enough to last until this whole Anna/Whirl! thing blows over."

"About that. What if you brought all your clothes here?"

"Well, that would be hassle when I had to go back."

"No, I mean," Jordan laughed at my obliviousness, "What if you moved in with me?"

"I don't know Jordan, this is all so-"

He cut me off, "It sounds crazy, trust me, I know. I only met you three months ago but I feel like I've known you forever. Think about it, moving in with me is maybe the best option. It's definitely the safest and funnest. Anna, by the way you described it, is clearly off her rocker and is after you. I, mean, she's verging on Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. So who knows what she'll do?"

"I need you to answer one question before I say yes or no to this."

"What? Ask me anything," Jordan said with his chest puffed out and an air of confidence and bravado.

"What are we? I don't like putting labels on anything. But what are we?" I desperately needed to know this. One minute we were telling everyone we are just friends and then last night we kissed. It felt like we were in this limbo, a place between being "just friends" and being a couple. I needed to know what he thought because no matter what I thought we were, if it wasn't mutual, it didn't matter.

"We're not only friends, at least I don't want to be. I told you last night that I love you and I mean it. I want you to be my girlfriend. I want you to be at my games wearing my jersey. I want you to be the one I bring to Thunder Bay for Christmas. I want you to be the girl to put my brothers' girlfriends to shame. I want you to be the last thing I see when I go to bed and the first thing I see when I wake up. I know not all of this can happen now but I want it to. Later. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow but later."

The look in his eyes was earnest and sweet. I could feel the guilt eating away at me. The guilt came from so many places. The way he was so honest and kind to me, when I was holding back so much. I wanted to so badly tell him about Evgeni, but I couldn't. I couldn't ruin what we had. I felt so guilty about making him wait. "The last relationship I was in was," I paused as I struggled for the right words to say, "It was serious. He was my first, my last, and, I thought, my only. I thought I was going to marry him. I want us to work. I don't want this to be a rebound. I want to do this the right way." My hands twisted nervously in my lap as I cast my eyes downward to the floor. I hesitantly looked up into his blue eyes, scared to meet them as if he would be able to see the truth in my eyes. "When we broke up, I was a mess. I was more than heartbroken. It felt as if anything and everything I thought I knew was a lie. I don't want to be hurt like that again. People have said things," I stopped, hoping Jordan would know where I was going, hoping that I wouldn’t have to say it out loud, but his face was stoic. "They say you have a reputation," I gulped, "A reputation for being a lady killer, a playboy. I don't want to be played, Jordan. I don’t think I could handle that, not again."

"I don't think I ever told you what happened the day we first met."

I was silent.

Jordan continued, "I had a revelation that morning. I woke up hung over. I felt nauseous and thirsty, it was a really bad hangover. I got a text, 'Hey, you. Fun meeting you last night." Naturally I texted back and with very little work I had a date that night. But there was one problem. I had no idea who she was. I could only remember dancing at some trendy club, meeting some girls, getting numbers and maybe making out with someone. I could only recall that maybe she had long hair.

"I looked through my phone's address book. Some new, some old. Two Meghans. Two Megans. Plenty of Saras and Sarahs. Nikki, Nicki, Nicky. I found myself thinking: Who were these women? When? Where? Why? The more I scrolled through, the more disgusted I was with myself. Newark girl, Philly Girl, Section 407 Girl, Pucky Bunny 3. I started deleting names as fast as I could. I became That Guy and I hated it.

"I told myself that I was done being That Guy. I texted that girl back and canceled. I realized that I needed to change. I didn't want random hookups and swore off one-night stands but it wasn't like this was my first time saying those things. I'd said it so many before. This time, though, when I was going for a walk, wandering the streets of Pittsburgh, I saw you and I knew it was fate. It was a sign.

"I guess what I'm just trying to say is that this is going to work. I know what your friends must say and what other people have told you but I'm not That Guy anymore. I'm not just ready for a serious relationship. I'm ready for a serious relationship with you."

I didn't know what to say. What are you supposed to say after a person just told you they want a serious relationship and you're just not ready? I could only stare at him in disbelief, lips parted and eyes wide, as he recounted the day I met him.

“Well, I’m going to let you change and we can head out to get your stuff.” Jordan gave me a small smile before leaving the room.

At that moment in time, being alone was the last thing I wanted. It left me alone with all my thoughts and emotions and it just felt like too much. It felt like if I wasn’t doing something those thoughts and emotions were going to overwhelm me and take over. I found my duffel bag and pulled out some of the extra clothes I kept in there. I changed into a soft, pastel pink sweater and a pair of black leggings.

When I walked out of the room, I was shocked to see how the rest of the apartment was decorated with confetti, balloons and streamers. On the usually blank white wall that the TV hangs on were the large, neon-bright colored letters "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SVETA!" What else could I say but "Wow”?

"It's your birthday. We're celebrating your life, the day you were born. Think of it like Christmas but instead of celebrating Jesus's birth, we're celebrating your's. It's Sveta-mas!" Jordan said cheerfully as he grabbed his keys. "Let's go?"

I nodded as we made our way out of the apartment. I couldn't help but smile as we started driving.

It wasn't really my style, all the flamboyance, but the effort, time and money Jordan put into it was just so sweet. He must have woken up early just to put all the decorations up. My eyes drifted to the watch on my wrist. My wrist unaccustomed to the weight of it. My mind and heart unaccustomed to the weight of it.

"You said you needed time."

I did. I did say that and I do. But how much time? A day? A week? A month? A year? The more important question was how long would Jordan be able to wait before he gets fed up. The truth is that I didn't want to wait. I didn't want to need time. I wanted to be able to love Jordan whole-heartedly. I wanted to be in a completely committed relationship with Jordan. I didn't want this to be a rebound. I want Jordan and I to work and to work now.

"Jordan, I'm scared." It finally sank in just how much Anna hated me, what she could do to me, what she will do to me, and it terrified me. I involuntarily shuddered as I remembered the horror stories that I had heard of alternates pushing dancers down the stairs to become the lead or dancers ruining other girl's costumes to get an edge in competitions. But a little part of me was scared of something else entirely. There was a part of me that was scared where Jordan and I were going. We're going into uncharted territory. This was completely different than Evgeni. This was completely unknown.

"Scared of what?" A mixture of worry and confusion could easily be read in his voice.

"Of Anna, of everything," I tried to find the words to express just how I felt without hurting his feelings but nothing came out. I just sat there with my lip slightly parted. "I guess- I think-" I sputtered out as I tried to describe the ineffable fear that clouded my thoughts.

Jordan took his eyes off the road and looked at me with those eyes, those sympathetic blue eyes. His right hand left it's usual place on the steering wheel to hold mine. Our fingers wove together and interlocked. “Everything’s going to be okay. You just have to trust in the fact that things will get better,” Jordan voice soothed me.

I couldn't help but smile. "You're too good to me, Jordan."

"Nah," Jordan shook his head, "I'm not good enough."