Faith

Staring at the almost empty vodka bottle on the table in front of him, Matt looked through bleary eyes. Hearing yet more muffled words coming from a few rooms away, he snagged the bottle he had been staring at off of the surface it rested on and screwed up his nose. Taking a sip of the clear alcohol as he surveyed the table he had lifted the bottle from, he saw an overflowing ashtray along with empty cigarette boxes, shot glasses glued to the glossy surface by spilled alcohol and other liquids and crumbs.

Hefting his body up off the leather couch that it had taken residence on, he slowly put one foot in front of him, vodka bottle clutched tightly in his grip. Angling himself down the hall, he stood in the doorway to the room that so many memories had been created in. Wanting to speak, he opened his mouth but found that his arm had risen to let more of the alcohol to trickle down his throat.

Watching as the woman he loved threw clothing into a suitcase that was open and lying across their bed, he leaned one large shoulder on the wood framing, vodka bottle dangling from his fingers. “Don’t leave.”

“You can’t stay sober.” Reaching out without flicking a glance at the doorway, the woman whose heart was broken flipped the suitcase shut and pulled the zipper around three corners. Wincing at the noise the metal made as the clasp rasped in the ensuing silence, she then picked it up by the handle.

“Let’s try this one more time. Please, Lizzie.”

“We need to take a break, Matthew. Prove to me that we should try it one more time.” Lifting green tear filled eyes to meet his glassy hazel, Elizabeth’s lips trembled. “Excuse me.”

Stepping to the side and into the hallway as his wife passed him after lightly pressing her lips to his cheek, Matt stared at her retreating back, hips that had always driven him mad swaying gently as she walked. Hearing the front door quietly snick shut, he lifted the bottle and drained the contents. Hardly seeing what was in front of him, he lifted the bottle one last time and stared at the image of a frosted bird on the glass and then threw the bottle.

Sinking down to the floor as the glass chips flew into the air and as the final drops that he had missed slipped down the beige wall in front of him, he cradled his aching head in his hands as he thought that it was over and not wanting to know.

Looking up fifteen minutes later, Matt slowly crawled to his feet and headed to the kitchen. Digging into the cabinet over the refrigerator, his long and nimble fingers finally clutched around another bottle of salvation. Eagerly twisting off the top, he brought the bottle up to his lips and stared at the picture that adorned, front and center, the freezer door.

Punching the door that the picture rested on, he swore when his knuckles rapped sharply into the unforgiving stainless steel door. Swiping the photo off the silver surface, he clutched it in his hand and made his way out of the room and back down the hallway that he had come from and threw himself on the bed that dominated the room careful not to spill a drop of the liquid he held in the bottle, the liquid that was the only thing now that Lizzie had left that was holding him together.

Waking up, Matt stretched his long limbs and winced when he felt muscles he hadn’t used for more than fixing a meal or caring to personal items scream in protest. Throwing his legs over the side of the bed, he stared at the half full bottle of vodka that he had capped weeks before on the nightstand. Lifting his eyes and turning his head, he stared to the end of the bed where the iron footboard was attached to the mattress. Not seeing what he was looking for on the hundredth day in a row, he let out a long breath.

Blindly reaching behind him, he grabbed at a pillow and pulled it to his face. Inhaling the almost non-existent scent, he then threw it across the room staring as it landed against the dresser that he used to share. Rising, he walked into the bathroom that joined the room and stood before the mirror.

Finally taking in his appearance, he rubbed his hand over the growth of beard that had appeared in the past week and then grabbed out his razor. Flipping off the bathroom light, he walked back into his now empty bedroom, hand swiping the length of the footboard as he walked by it on the way to his closet. Flinging open the doors to the closet that his clothing was stored in, he drew in a deep breath when confronted with the empty side that used to be filled with every color of the rainbow.

Eyes flickering to the photo he had ripped off the freezer door as he walked by fully dressed, Matt dimly smiled and shoved down the pain he felt as he swiped his phone off the stereo where he had hurriedly thrown it the night before. Accessing his messages, he flipped it shut and headed into the room where he knew the article that he had just been asked to find rested.

Hand swiping to the back of the closet, he grabbed the edge of the shoebox that he was searching for and pulled it towards him. Stepping back with it in his hand, he backed into a chair and sat down with a silent sigh and stared at the top wondering how his estranged wife had forgotten the article when one of their mutual friends had brought her by two weeks ago to clear the rest of her things out.

Sucking in a deep breath, he pulled off the top and stared at the contents, memories assaulting him as he did so.

“It’s not that frivolous!” Voice raised in mock anger, Elizabeth looked at her boyfriend, her green eyes sparkling as she stared at the bird made of shiny seashells as they stood in a seaside store miles away from home. “Tacky, yes, frivolous, no. Everyone needs one when they visit a souvenir shop!”

“Here!” Holding out her hand, Elizabeth grinned. “They’re wax lips! Everyone needs a pair!” Plopping them between her fiancé’s as he opened his mouth to speak, she laughed at the expression on his face. “It’s Valentine’s Day, we need to celebrate!”

“Don’t look all hardcore! This is supposed to be fun!” Grabbing Matt’s chin in her fingers, she looked into the hazel eyes that she had slowly fell in love with and tried not to laugh at the dark look that was on her new husband’s face. “Everyone does these types of things when they go to the beach! It’s not a complete trip unless you have four tiny black and white photos you can’t really see on a single strip! I love you, smile for me!”

Smiling at the memory of how he had one-upped her in that instance and had kissed her just as the camera flashed, Matt stared at the strip of photos in his hand and laughed at the memory even though it brought a pang to his heart.

Putting it back into the box with the other contents, he heard a knock at the door and shoved himself to his feet. Shuffling down the hallway, he pulled open the door already knowing who was on the other side. “Lizzie.”

“Matt.” Nodding in acknowledgement, Elizabeth entered the home that she once lived in and stood awkwardly. “Did you find the box?”

“I did.” Swallowing, Matt drew in a breath and let her distinct scent assault his nose and held the box out. “Here.”

“Thanks.” Taking the box gently, Elizabeth stared at the top eyes taking in the familiar patch-worked gift wrapped top remembering each and every scrap of paper that had covered a gift from him that adorned it.

“I don’t know why you want it.”

“It’s a piece of my life, Matt. Well, pieces.” Fingers caressing the bottom and sides of the box that she held, Elizabeth willed the tears that had gathered behind her eyes away. “Well, I have to go; Jimmy’s waiting outside.”

Ears perking up at the name, Matt raised a brow as he casually crossed his colorful arms over his broad chest and leaned against the foyer wall. “Jimmy?”

“He’s helping me move into my apartment. All the guys are; he just volunteered to bring me over here.” Muttering the words, Elizabeth took a step to turn around. “Thanks.”

“Anytime.” Dropping his arms, Matt held the door open as his she slipped out of the door. Lifting his hand when his friend did from the car that he waited in, he waved. “If you remember anything else, just call me.”

“I will.”

Noticing that she hadn’t offered a good-bye as she walked down to the car that Jimmy waited in, Matt watched as his friend threw his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. Jaw tightening Matt turned and walked inside, slamming the door behind him.

Striding back the hallway, his broad shoulders filling the area, Matt gripped the door handle that he had been avoiding the past year and pushed on the door gently after hearing the latch click when he turned the gold orb in his hand.

Taking a deep breath as pain lanced his heart he stared at the contents of the room and felt his breath slowly escape. Hesitating at the threshold before crossing over, he tried to inhale a breath and felt the pain of his lungs filling with the sweet smell that always had emanated from the room.

Finally gathering his courage, he looked over his shoulder fleetingly wishing that the person he needed the most was behind him and lifted one foot. Turning back around, he put the foot he held up over the invisible line he hadn’t let himself cross and placed it on the soft pink carpet that adorned the floor. Second foot following, he let out the breath he had been holding feeling some of the pain escape as he did so.

Reaching out and grabbing the blanket that rested on the bed where it had last been placed by his wife, his fingers caressed the soft flannel as he lifted the tattered remnant to his nose. Inhaling the innocence that still clung to the threads, he felt his eyes burn with unshed tears. Sinking onto the mattress that was surrounded on one side by beloved stuffed animals, he clutched the blanket in his hand and let his tear filled eyes roam the room.

Bittersweet smile on his face, his eyes rested on the piggy bank that had taken residence on the corner of the white dresser when the owner had only been two days old. Tracing the white ceramic animal with a name painted on the side with his eyes, he then skipped onto the silver handled soft bristled brush and the cherished first tooth that rested in a small pewter box.

Standing again, he slowly folded the blanket that he held and straightened the sheets that were still on the bed, pulling them tightly up and placing the pillow that rested there over the blankets and laid the blanket that had seen better days along with various locations on top.

Picking a picture frame that rested on the top of a bookshelf up, Matt felt his throat clog again as he lifted his hand and traced the dusty glass surface as he stared at the three smiling faces beneath it.

“Come on, you all!” Breaking off in laughter as Matt stuck out his tongue, Jimmy stared at the three people through the camera he held. “We need to get back on the road!”

“The bus will still be there when we get back on it and the venue will still be there, too!” Yelling the words in his raspy voice, Matt tickled the sides of the little girl sitting on his lap. “Should we smile for Uncle Jimmy or no?”

“Matt!” Slapping his shoulder good-naturedly from beside him, Elizabeth laughed, her green eyes twinkling as she looked at her husband and daugther. “Don’t ask her that!”

“He wanted to know, Mommy!” Smiling up at her mother and father, the little girl with eyes caught between green and hazel giggled. “Of course we should smile for Uncle Jimmy!”

“Good, then let’s do this before Uncle Brian over there goes apeshit because we’re behind schedule!” Watching as Brian flipped him off as he hung out of the door of the bus that was stopped in a rest area, Matt grinned, his dimples showing, knowing that his daughter’s matching set were flashing as well.

Wondering if Elizabeth would want the photo copied, Matt stared at the shot that had been taken slightly before his family had finally looked at Jimmy, big smiles on their faces. Seeing the love that was imprinted on the three faces in the photo as they looked at each other, his daughter’s hands curled around both Elizabeth and Matt’s arms as she balanced in-between their laps, he remembered the feeling of the slightly sticky hands from the lollipop that her Uncle Zacky had given her when they hadn’t been looking as her Uncle Johnny had distracted them as if was just yesterday and not two years ago.

Setting the frame back down, he grabbed his phone and took off down the hall. Grabbing the keys to the truck he hadn’t driven since the day Elizabeth had originally left, he strode outside and climbed in. Starting the engine, he backed out of garage and driveway and to the place he refused to acknowledge.

Getting out of his truck slowly after pulling through iron gates, Matt shut the door gently behind him knowing how loud one sound could be in the silence of where he was. Walking across the bright and lush green grass, his steps left marks as he made his way. Feeling his chest tighten when he saw a figure crouched down before a stone, he slowed his steps.

Finally reaching the place he had also avoided except on the gray day that he had had no choice, Matt gently laid down the bright yellow daisies that even at five years old Fallyn had loved best. Crouching down, he put his arm around Elizabeth’s shoulder and pulled her to him. “I’m here.”

Leaning against the man that she loved, the man that had given her the child that they had had to lay to rest a short year ago, Elizabeth crumpled the tissue that she held in one hand as she slowly nodded. “I miss her so much, Matt.”

“So do I.” Feeling his eyes burn, Matt finally let them spill over, the tears he hadn’t allowed himself since the doctor’s had returned to the waiting room that they had been gathered in and had delivered their sad news. Angrily swiping at his eyes with his free hand, he held onto Elizabeth with the other, feeling the warmth of her skin beneath his cold fingers. “Why did it happen?”

“It’s never been answered, Matt.” Looking up slightly, Elizabeth watched as tears cascaded down the face that she loved, the face that had been set to granite more often than not the past year, the face that Fallyn had seen last. “It’s not your fault.”

“It is, Lizzie, it is!” Exploding, Matt stood up. “I’m the one that took her to the park that day! I’m the one that let her get too hot, let her get too excited! It’s my fault that she died, that her lungs collapsed!”

“It is not your fault, Matthew!” Screaming herself, Lizzie stood up, toe to toe with her husband. “It is not your fault that she had a rare lung disorder that we never knew about, that was never diagnosed past asthma! No one knew! How many times had she played on that equipment before in weather that was even warmer than it was that day? How many times did you, Brian, Zacky, Jimmy, or Johnny chase her down the beach or our backyards? How many times, Matt? How many times and nothing happened?”

“I can’t help how I feel.”

“And it’s tearing us apart, no, it did tear us apart. All you’ve done is drink! Your band is on hiatus and who knows if it’ll ever start again without you; you’ve not even given them the times of day even if they stop by our house. We’re all hurting Matt, we’re all sore, we’re all coping the best that we can. Fallyn wasn’t just ours, she was everyone’s.” Voice catching on her last words, Elizabeth sank back down to the ground and placed her hand on the gravestone that always remained cold despite the Southern-California heat.

“I went into her room today.” Jaw tightening, Matt shoved his hands into his shorts pockets and stared at his wife’s hand as it rested on the stone, the diamond band he had given her still in residence on her finger.

“You did?” Looking up, Elizabeth was surprised. After Fallyn’s sudden death, Matt hadn’t done much other than drown himself in a bottle of vodka despite all of her and his band-mates and their wives efforts. He refused to even look at his daughter’s bedroom door let alone go inside.

“I picked up that blanket that she had since she was born and smelled it. She’s still on it. That baby scent that never left her, the one of lollipops and baby lotion and innocence all combined. I made her bed since I figured it had been long enough, and looked at the picture of the three of us before, well, before.” Voice cracking, Matt stared down at the ground, his feet planted firmly apart.

Standing, Elizabeth laid her hand on her husband’s cheek, mentally willing him to look at her. Jolting when he did at the pain in his eyes that she hadn’t seen, that he hadn’t allowed to show until now, her eyes filled yet again. “That means so much, Matt.”

“Yeah, all that crap about healing and shit that you and all the girls keep shoving down my throat. It was fucking hard, okay? One of the hardest things I’ve done in my life aside from watch her being put into the ground. I don’t want to do it alone again, Lizzie. I can’t.” Wrapping his strong arms around his wife, Matt buried his face into the crook of her neck as her arms wrapped around his waist. Nuzzling his nose against her soft skin, he inhaled her scent, absorbed her strength. “How do you do it? How do you survive, how do you live?”

“Day by day, Matt.” Whispering the words, Elizabeth held her eyes tightly clenched and felt the warmth of Matt’s skin against hers, the strength that she had always leaned on, the man that she had loved since she was a child. “It’s all day by day.”

“Come home; help me.” Pulling back, Matt saw Elizabeth start to shake her head. “Don’t tell me that you don’t still love me just as much as I love you. Don’t tell me that you don’t want to step back into my arms, my bed, my life, and our lives. I haven’t had a drop of any kind of alcohol for weeks now, since the day you left. I haven’t stopped loving you, loving Fallyn and I’m just about to the point that I love myself again. Please say yes, Lizzie. I love you. I need you.”

Biting her lip and slowly nodding, Elizabeth let out the breath that she had been holding knowing that his words over not drinking were true, knowing that the words he had spoken about her wanting to come back were true, knowing that she never had wanted to leave in the first place. Walking hand in hand with her husband to his truck after telling Jimmy not to pick her up, she let out a breath she had been holding since the day she had first stepped foot inside of the iron fence that surrounded the area knowing that with faith they could make things work.

“So we can take her to the park?” Eyebrow raised, Matt stared at his wife. Watching her nod, he grinned. “There’s nothing wrong?”

“Matt, if you had gone with us, you would’ve heard the doctor tell us.”

“I didn’t want to hear the words that I heard three years ago.” Mumbling under his breath, Matt took his baby daughter from his wife’s arms. “I couldn’t handle it to hear them again.”

“Well, we didn’t hear them, so there’s nothing to worry about.” Smiling fondly, Elizabeth watched as the large, strong and colorful arms surrounded the baby that was in them and cradled her gently despite their size. Heart melting, she leaned against the counter and watched as her husband cooed at their daughter remembering the day a year ago that she had announced that she was pregnant.

Matt had broken his sobriety and had gone out with the guys in the band and had drank himself into a stupor only to wake up the next day and apologize and then show her tiny pair of white booties he had made the guys hunt for in a store at one in the morning. Thinking that those same booties had been worn on the tiny feet on the body that Matt now cradled when their daughter had been brought home from the hospital, Elizabeth smiled.

Looking up from his daughter’s face suddenly, Matt caught the look of nostalgia crossed with sadness on his wife’s face. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Melting under his arm that he put around her shoulders, Elizabeth reached up and touched the tiny cheek of their daughter that Matt held.

“All we needed was Faith in more ways than one.” Kissing the top of his wife’s head, Matt gazed down at his new daughter and the tiny hand that had wrapped around her mother’s finger.