Lonely In Nevada, Lovers In Kansas

If at any point in time I was able to change my name, I would do it right now. Nobody can really recognize who I truly am anymore. I had dark circles under my eyes, I was skinnier than ever, and I didn't show any emotion. I will never be able to understand why I did that to Ryan, but hopefully by now there isn't any room left for me to keep worrying about this. I had my jobs and my baby to worry about and that was it. I don't need a man in my life. I was perfectly happy without Ryan. Before he showed up on my front lawn, I was content about the way I was living my life. Now, he was eating me from the inside to the outside.

I felt like I was in a different world the whole time. I wasn't focused anymore and I really couldn't help it. I just wanted to stay home and do nothing, but that wasn't going to pay the bills or feed Ricky. I was trapped and it wasn't doing any good for me. I wasn't myself anymore. A whole new force had taken over my form and was playing the game of Life for me. I wasn't in stable condition to play this game, but I was able to strive through it a little bit longer.

This Daisy has changed into a Violet; no longer the bright and happy person I was.

Just my luck, I had dropped so much weight to have the manager notice and "promote" me from cocktail waitress to dancer on the stage. To be at that position, you need to be a certain size or less. I must have been less since the new uniform I was given was baggy on my body.

This new position made me feel like a completely different person. I was dirtier than before, both physically and emotionally. I felt unclean from the filthy hands that grazed my body every night I was on stage. It wasn't helping that the more bones that began to show on my body, the more guys wanted to be with me. If Ryan saw me like this, he would turn and run.

This Violet has changed into a Geranium; I was more open to anything now.

The normal me would have said no to that job. But it was more money and the new me wasn't going to turn that down. I looked out in the crowd every night, in search of Ryan's face. He had to be here, I knew it. I'm sure he wouldn't be looking up at the stage though. He would look at the face of every waitress for my mask. He wouldn't bother looking at the dancing Leopard on stage a think for a millisecond that it was me. Every night that I couldn't find him, I became more and more insecure. He had left.

I didn't want him to leave for good. I wanted to see him show up at my door. I wanted to be able to forgive him, to have that chance to talk to him or to see his face. But if Amy wasn't showing up at my house anymore, how was I going to be able to get Ryan to swing by again. I had no trust in anyone anymore. The only one I kept close was Ricky, but he didn't count as much.

This Geranium has changed into a Calla Lily; thinner and more closed in from the world.

These changed were taking full effect on me now. I wanted them to stop. I wanted to be the person I was before. It was too hard for me to reach back for the Daisy that everyone knew before. I just didn't have the strength to grab and pull me back to reality. I was stuck and no one around me was able to fix it.

Home is where the heart is and I was always happy to be back home. Not tonight though. The second I walked inside, I was scared out of my mind.

"Who are you?"