Maybe Memories

Its actually pretty funny how your morals can change over night. How you can go from saying no to lighting up a blunt in the back of your former middle school. How you can go from enemies to friends. How you can be at a place where if someone told you a year earlier that you’d be where you are at now, high as hell, you would have laughed in their face with disbelief.

It’s almost sad to say, after all those years of my drug-free pledging I’m here sitting in my little room telling you how I began to do the exact opposite. How right now, my pupils are two times too big and my entire body feels numb. How it’s incredibly hard to simply concentrate on writing this at the moment.

As you know, my mother is a professional stoner, or at least that’s what it would seem like. She smokes before she does anything in the morning and she lights up before she goes to bed. I saw her and was disgusted, how could anyone allow themselves to be like that? How could anyone hand themselves over to drugs so completely that they became more important than food? If I wasn’t so gone right now, I would probably be disgusted with myself.

Sabrina, as you all know, isn’t exactly the best of role models. But then again, neither am I. So when she told me that she burned with her ex-boyfriend, and suggested I come with her one time. That it wasn’t’ really that bad, that I would like it. You don’t even comprehend how shocked I was with myself that I said yes. I guess my sense of morality washed down the drain with the blood I used to make spill from myself with a shiny little blade. Perhaps, it took my more sensible thinking with it.

Because when we smoked, at the very beginning of October around the Jewish holidays, I didn’t fell any remorse. When my straight edge friend Jessie, told me I should stop, I didn’t listen to her. When my mother asked me about my whereabouts after coming home trashed, I should have took that as my signal to just quit. But of course I didn’t. I continued to light up in the woods with Sabrina and her ex-boyfriend a person that up until then I thought I would never talk to.

Three, maybe four times, I’ve smoked now. I’ve gotten ripped off of my ass so badly that everything felt so much better. And I began to see the attraction, almost everything was wonderful when you’re so high about the ground. Your limbs feel so light and airy. Your mind is easily distracted and makes the world fade and seclude itself. Swinging feels like falling into the clouds of heaven, eating it the most interesting thing ever because of all the different textures of the food. Listening to music, especially Lil Wayne, has never been as stimulating.

But every time I get high, I think of how bad I’m being. How I’m lying to my mother to get money for drugs. How I’m lying and breaking so many laws, and that if anyone knew they’d be so disappointed. And every time I think I have to stop, and so far I haven’t. So far, I’ve been hanging on to that cynical views on life, the same that allow me to push away the bad feeling that come along when you’re sitting by yourself smoking a cigarette in the dark. Everyone is going to die someday, I just happen to be speeding up the process.

There is no point to this, and even now I’m thinking about just deleting all this writing and wait until a time I’m more sober to write this. But, I can’t do that. My memoir was a place for me to retell all the events of my past and present. And if I leave something like this out, then I’m lying to myself, and when you begin to do that more than the human instinct normally allows, then you’re going down a road no one wants to go. I realize how much this is a waste of everyone’s time to read, and how I’m probably making very little sense right now. But I realize that doesn’t matter to me either. Because this piece of writing is first and foremost for myself.

Because in the end, my story and my life isn’t going to mean anything to anyone else but myself anyway.

Last Night, i wrote that all when i was under the influence. As I look back on it with a more functioning state of mine. I see the monster that was controlling me, the monster that was was taking me over. That monster was Mary Jane.

Today, Sabrina and I promised each other we would quit smoking from here on in, at least until the summer. Because there is no way I'm going to fail a drug test and fuck up my entire future.

Tomorrow, Sabrina and I are doing whatever we can to clean our systems. We'll chug vinegar and cranberry juice and chase it down with a gallon of water. We'll find a detox pill and take it. Anything it takes to make sure we pass if--god-forbid--we ever get tested.

Because there is no way in hell that I will ever become that girl. That girl you see still living with her mother when she's thirty because she was expelled from school. that girl in and out of rehab, or worse community service uniforms.

From now on, I'm staying clean and sober. And there is nothing that can change my mind.