Maybe Memories

By now I know all the signs, all the stages.

And you think that would mean I’d be able to stop it from happening.

But I never could, and that’s no different now.

I feel the numb bitter feeling creeping in on me. That bottomless feeling in the pit of my stomach, making food repulsive. The one that tells you that’s something is terribly wrong. The feeling that only a few things can fight away, none of them looked highly upon. And even though you know it’s wrong, you seem to use those methods anyway, despite the promises you made.

I can feel depression rearing it’s ugly head. But the only difference is I don’t know why it’s paying me a visit now. Now, when everything is falling together nicely. Except, maybe it’s not. It’s like someone is flickering an on-and-off switch of my happiness without rhyme or reason.

Some days I’m so happy, and some days I’m scraping the bottom.

I don’t know why i’m flip-flopping like some bipolar lunatic. Why I’m bouncing up and down and back again, always seeming to linger in the down phases. Before it was so clear, the reasons why. Loss of friends that mean more than life its self, that made perfect sense. It was almost inevitable for someone as weak as myself. Getting replaced and disregarded like a doll that can only hold a child’s interest for so long before they move onto something better, something new and shiny to play with. That made sense to. I was never able to handle it, but at least I understood why.

But now…but now, I have no inkling as to why I’m feeling like this. Why the person I never wanted to see again keeps popping into my life at the most inconceivable times. How I can be so happy and then so desperately miserable, I can’t understand.

Is it because someone is writing a story with me as it’s main character, whom they have a personal vendetta against. Do they wish to put me through all kinds of hell and see how I can crawl out, so barely alive but far from dead? Do they foresee the pain Ill go through if they throw a certain obstacle in my way and think “oh, what a wonderful plot twist!”

Or am I going about this all wrong? Did I some how bring this all upon myself? I would hope not, for that would only mean that I solely am the reason for all this harm and destruction so often thrust upon me.

Is it my “friends”? Who so easily seem to toss me aside. Who see no problem in never calling me, but somehow always just assume I’ll call them. I guess that makes sense, because I always have in the past. I’m desperate that way. So desperate to not be alone. Being alone is the majority of all I know since 2005. So totally alone even when I think I’m not. Because everyone thinks I’m a disposable thing. Nice while it lasted, but not for the long haul. It seems that everyone around me grows tired of me quickly, and then moves on without a backward glance. Is the reason because I surround myself who don’t honestly give a damn about me?

Is there no reason at all. This is all happening to me now, simply because it is and there is no reason why, it just is. That doesn’t seem likely, however, I’m not ruling it out. You can never rule anything out, because anything and everything is a plausible answer, it seems to be.

I’m not making any sense, I see this. But somehow, I’ll continue rambling about trying to make sense of this. Because I am so lost right now, searching for a match to light up this dark room. Searching for an answer to this hopeless feelings that lead to a binge of despair.

I feel I’m losing myself again, falling always but never hitting the bottom.

And as I take my pink little friend--a shaving razor I mutilated to make perfect for biting lies and spilling secrets--to the top of my shoulder and push down softly, just enough to make truth rise and spill, mix with the water until it turns the perfect shade of watered down pink, I yet to see any answers. I guess that makes sense, my friends always seem to cause problems never solve them. I suspect this one isn’t any different, even if it comes in a new from, glistening and sharp.

I fear for the downward spiral I have been tricked into so many times in the past, but this time I trip down the rabbit hole with knowledge I have never processed before. The knowledge that if I do fall down, head first without any from crawling back up, it shall be the last move I’ll ever make.

Because this time I know, that if I succeed in dragging myself that low again, I shall never resurface.

It shall be check, and mate.

The game will end.

And as always, I’ll never be the victorious one. Or perhaps I shall. It depends on how you look at it.

All I know, is that if I do look at it once more. It’ll be from behind the wood of a casket. Or in the tears shed of my best friends, finally figuring out the pain of losing someone they can’t live without. Finally realizing what I had to live with for five years and counting.