Maybe Memories

And right now, as the voice of Kurt Cobain fills my small bedroom at my dad’s house, while my eyelids sag with exhaustion, I know this needs to be done. It’s been over a year, and now I think it’s finally time to tell you about a boy I once thought I loved. William Vanbeek. It’s rather depressing that I can’t even remember his middle name after all we’ve been through.

In case you don’t remember, I met Will at Autumn’s going away party, where I met Kaitlyn and Lewis. He was cool older boy who had long hair and could play guitar. He hated all the music I loved, but he just was so awesome in my little sixth grader eyes. He was a freshman, he was so cute in a weird way.

After the party, the only time I talked to him was on aim. But after a while, even that stopped. Then once I got internet again, the summer before eighth grade, we began talking again. He was smart and funny, and just so perfect in my eyes. One night he asked to come over, and I let him. We sat outside my house talking and laughing about everything and nothing. This happened just about every night for two weeks in august, he would come over late at night, I would sneak out of my house and we’d just sit and talk and smoke bunches of cigarettes.

Then I started having feelings for him, feelings I never thought he would return. But…one night I just sort of told him, in a not so direct way. Turned out, he liked me to. It was incredible to me, seeing as he was so awesome in my eyes that he would ever like me. He was sixteen and I was thirteen turning fourteen, I thought it would be impossible. But we were together at last, to my immense pleasure.

It only took about two weeks before I allowed things to go to far. During our late night adventures we went to this park a little ways from my house. I allowed him to do things to me that I shouldn’t have, not in public and not that soon. But never the less, it happened.

When he told me he loved me, I said it back. As soon as he said it, I felt like I loved him too. We would hang out just about every day, even when I was grounded because my mother caught me sneaking into the house at six in the morning. I was allowed to go out for lunch every day. But instead I speak the time with will, stealing kisses and enjoying the time together. When I was ungrounded, and told my mother I was dating Will, I went over to his house a lot. To meet his parents, watch band practice and listen to the song he wrote about me. It seemed so perfect, and it felt so right.

That is until one day, once school started I realized how gross it was. I thought of the things I did with him and cringed. I was doubting everything. We talked about how one day we would get married, and how Will should go to planned parenthood to get protection because I thought I was ready. But then all of a sudden, I couldn’t stand the thought of him. I avoided him online, I made excuses why I couldn’t hang out or talk on the phone.

And then one day, Kaitlyn told me that it wasn’t right, that I should just end it with him if I was feeling this way. I was too scared to do it in person, so I took the chicken way out. I called him on the phone, shitting bricks. I felt so bad for doing this, because he said he loved me. Because he said I was the reason he stopped cutting. Because he said that I was the first girl that he felt he could love after this girl Katie broke his heart. But I knew I didn’t love him, and that I never did. I knew I had to end this because it wasn’t working out for me.

When I called him, I told him we needed to talk. He asked if I was breaking up with him, I said yes. He asked if I was a lesbian, and I said I was, because honestly at the time I thought I couldn’t be with any guy, not just him. I thought Lewis messed me up so badly, I couldn’t be with another guy. Which, now I know is a lie. I just couldn’t be with Will because he was wrong for me. Anyway, he yelled at me and screamed at me. Called me stupid and said I had no idea what love was. I let him say all these nasty things to me, because I knew I was hurting him.

And in the end, I wasn’t sad because it was over, I was just sad I had to heart him. Because I thought he would start cutting again, because he said he would. He said one the phone that he was going to cut himself because of me, and I begged him not to, but he called me an inconsiderate bitch and hung up the phone.

Whenever I think of him, about the things we did together, I cringe. It’s all so gross to me now, and I can hardly believe I was willing to give up my virginity to him. I’m so glad it ended before I let that happen, because now I see what a big of mistake it would have been.

I saw how easily I can be manipulated by the words “I love you’. as soon as he said them, I felt like I loved him too, when I didn’t.

I think he scared me, because I haven’t like anyone since him. And it’s been over a year and a half. I think he damaged me for real. I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone who will love me again, because I don’t think I’m worth being loved.