Maybe Memories
Eleven stories up.
As I stand here, eleven stories up, I look down at the street below. It’s true what they say about being up that high, everything beneath you looks like little tiny ants. I feel so bad for the people/ants below me because in no more than a second my ugly little brains would be scattered on their sidewalk disturbing their peaceful day. Maybe I shouldn’t fell bad for disturbing their perfect day with their perfect families and perfect lives, because never once did the world leave me alone to allow me any happiness. So why shouldn’t I take away fifteen minutes of joy for my own? I don’t see the point either, and once again I start the countdown for when I jump.
It will be just like counting down to jump in a pool, but instead of landing in water and surrounded by a blanket of liquid comfort I will break my body into a thousand pieces and slip away into the comfortable numbness.
That’s what was going on through my head as I stood at the very top of that building my mother worked at the time. Actually, it was an apartment building of one of my mother’s clients. She worked in a place that helped the elderly and today she insisted on brining me along. It was January twenty-eight, Lisa’s fifteen birthday, and I was just about to give her my present. My life.
All the depression on my shoulders was too much to handle. My eleven year old mind couldn’t peel with all the pressure. All this sorrow built up in my chest and I was alone. I didn’t care about anything anymore and I most defiantly wasn’t myself. And this was the only way I could find to end the pain forever. The only way to bring me back to my loved ones.
Just as I was about to jump, when I had gotten to seven on my countdown my phone rang. For just a second I listened to the ring tone, “Seize the Day” by Avenged Sevenfold.
“Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over”
Those words simple yet true made me stop. I didn’t jump then instead all I heard were those lyrics, and with an ocean of tears gushing from my eyes I understood. I saw what a mistake I was making. I knew that I couldn’t leave right now, even though the pain was unbearable. It wasn’t my time, and if I left before my time Lisa would kick ass my until I was alive again. I had so much to do in life, so many people to meet. And most importantly, I needed to meet Avenged Sevenfold.
If my phone hadn’t rung at that exact second I would have been dead. And to think I almost left my phone at home that day.
The days went on and things didn’t get any easier. My mother used up all her money and we were now living with my uncle in New Jersey because my mother’s drug addiction was too strong to leave enough money for an apartment. So I moved into my uncle’s house, and for just a second I felt like I might be okay.
Because one summer I meant a girl named Kaitlyn. And I thought she could make it all better, I thought that eve though she was two years older than I that she could relate to me. And for a time she did. But I should have known that nothing would ever last or be okay. But for a while I thought maybe things would be better, easier.
They weren’t. Things never go the way I plan. Things are never okay for long.
It will be just like counting down to jump in a pool, but instead of landing in water and surrounded by a blanket of liquid comfort I will break my body into a thousand pieces and slip away into the comfortable numbness.
That’s what was going on through my head as I stood at the very top of that building my mother worked at the time. Actually, it was an apartment building of one of my mother’s clients. She worked in a place that helped the elderly and today she insisted on brining me along. It was January twenty-eight, Lisa’s fifteen birthday, and I was just about to give her my present. My life.
All the depression on my shoulders was too much to handle. My eleven year old mind couldn’t peel with all the pressure. All this sorrow built up in my chest and I was alone. I didn’t care about anything anymore and I most defiantly wasn’t myself. And this was the only way I could find to end the pain forever. The only way to bring me back to my loved ones.
Just as I was about to jump, when I had gotten to seven on my countdown my phone rang. For just a second I listened to the ring tone, “Seize the Day” by Avenged Sevenfold.
“Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over”
Those words simple yet true made me stop. I didn’t jump then instead all I heard were those lyrics, and with an ocean of tears gushing from my eyes I understood. I saw what a mistake I was making. I knew that I couldn’t leave right now, even though the pain was unbearable. It wasn’t my time, and if I left before my time Lisa would kick ass my until I was alive again. I had so much to do in life, so many people to meet. And most importantly, I needed to meet Avenged Sevenfold.
If my phone hadn’t rung at that exact second I would have been dead. And to think I almost left my phone at home that day.
The days went on and things didn’t get any easier. My mother used up all her money and we were now living with my uncle in New Jersey because my mother’s drug addiction was too strong to leave enough money for an apartment. So I moved into my uncle’s house, and for just a second I felt like I might be okay.
Because one summer I meant a girl named Kaitlyn. And I thought she could make it all better, I thought that eve though she was two years older than I that she could relate to me. And for a time she did. But I should have known that nothing would ever last or be okay. But for a while I thought maybe things would be better, easier.
They weren’t. Things never go the way I plan. Things are never okay for long.
♠ ♠ ♠
i wrote the begining of this like a story because i couldnt face it any other way.this is short because i cant bring myself ot think about this in depth. the next few will be all about my new life in Jersey, and a girl that gave me hope. which i later learned to only to be false.