Living for the Music

Aaron was already there when I got to history. To my surprise, he didn’t comment on my leaving lunch earlier, didn’t seem to have noticed that I was gone. I tried not to feel hurt by this. He had a lot going on. But honestly, couldn’t he pay a little bit of attention to me?

The class was a blur. I didn’t process any information, pretending to take notes as I frantically tried to unravel my chorus. It wasn’t coming, and I knew I couldn’t force it. It would only turn out bad, and I didn’t need something else to be depressed about. Lord only knows I had enough things on my plate.

By the time we reached science, I was ready to go home and curl up in bed. Seth glanced up as Aaron and I entered the room. “Hey Aaron,” he nodded. “You okay, Sophie?”

“Why wouldn’t she be?” Aaron asked in confusion.

“Well, she left lunch early,” Seth replied. “I wasn’t sure…”

“She’s fine.” I rolled my eyes at how easily Aaron dismissed my problems.

Seth’s eyes locked with mine.

“You okay, Sophie?” he repeated.

“I’m fine,” I told him, echoing Aaron’s words. I sat down at my spot at the end of the lab table, resting my head on the table. “I’m just ready for this day to be over.”

“Aren’t we all,” Seth replied lightly.

“School sucks,” I muttered, voice muffled in my arm.

Seth laughed again. “Especially for you, huh?”

I shot a glare at him. ”What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Just… well, you’re… forget it.”

There was an awkward silence, finally broken when the teacher walked into the room. I refused to talk to Seth for the next hour, but I doubt he even noticed with all the girls flocking around him. He could easily have missed one ex-member of the Seth Damon fan club.

The day was finally over. I breathed a sigh of relief as I opened my locker. Sometimes I couldn’t remember why I even went to school. Aside from the fact that I needed college to get me out of here. “Hey Sophia,” Aaron called, loping down the hall towards me.

“Hi,” I replied, quickly shutting my locker. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah, about that. I need to go do some stuff, so I can’t give you a ride.”

I stared at him. “So what do you recommend I do?”

“Well, Seth drove today, and since you two live close by each other I thought he could drive you home.”

I shot a glance at Seth, standing with is hands shoved deep in his pockets. “Really?”

“It’s cool with me,” he shrugged. “I mean, if you want a ride.”

I sighed as I nodded, throwing my backpack over my shoulder. ”Yeah. That’d be great.”

“Awesome,” Aaron leaned in to kiss my. “I’ll call you later,” he murmured against my lips.

I pulled back. “You better,” I called as we headed down the hall in opposite directions.

I found the Volvo easily, even in the crowded parking lot. As I climbed up front, I had a sudden flash of Mara picking us up and taking us home. Seth appeared to have the same thought as he threw his backpack in the backseat. “How was school today, Sophie?” he asked, mocking his mom’s predictable question.

“Long and boring,” I answered, smiling despite myself.

“Hey,” he protested. “You took my line.”

“I know.”

He started the car and the radio came blasting on. I reached over to turn it down before inserting the tape that I knew was connected to his iPod. Sure enough, a new song started playing. I couldn’t help smiling slightly. “I love this song.”

“I know,” he chuckled. “I know everything about you, remember?”

I froze before slowly shaking my head. “Let’s get one thing straight, Seth. You don’t know me anymore. A lot has changed in three years.”

He was quiet for a minute. “But… well, it’s not like we’ve been out of touch or anything. We’ve been emailing.”

I stared at him incredulously for a moment before I burst out laughing. It was a dry laugh, completely void of humor.

“What?” he protested.

“Seth. Honestly? First of all, you haven’t replied to my past three emails. Until you showed up, I hadn’t heard from you for two months.”

“That’s not true,” he snapped. “You only sent me one email.”

“I can show you all of them,” I shot back. “And that doesn’t even matter that much. The point is, you didn’t write back. You made no effort to find out how I was doing. You didn’t care.”

“I cared,” Seth agreed. “I still do.”

“You have a lousy way of showing it,” I muttered. “You never asked any questions. Not even when you were emailing me.”

“I-” Seth tried to interrupt, but I was on a roll. I never talked like this. I avoided confrontations unless absolutely necessary. But this was different. I was determined to put Seth in his place.

“At first, it was no big deal. You were excited about England. It was fun to hear you talk about the people and the customs and everything. But I was… okay, I was totally jealous. I kept waiting for you to ask questions about me. I had so much I wanted to tell you. But it revolved around you. And there wasn’t any way for me to change it.”

“You never said anything,” Seth cried, hands clutching the wheel. “I assumed… come on, Sophie, you’ve had a lot of crap going on. I thought you’d prefer not to talk about it.”

“I didn’t need a heart-to-heart, Seth,” I cried. “Just a simple question. ‘How are you? How’s school? How’s Aaron?’ Just something to start a conversation that included me.”

“Speaking of that, what’s up with you and Aaron?” Seth asked, efficiently switching the subject. I felt a surge of triumph – maybe I’d gotten my point across. “Last I heard you hated him.”

“I never hated him,” I protested. “But before, I never needed him. I had you. But when you took off, I had to survive somehow. And Aaron was there, and he was nice to me, and…”

“So it’s my fault,” Seth gritted out.

“God, it’s not all about you, Seth! Aaron makes me happy – most of the time. That’s more than I can say about you.”

I pulled up my hood and rested my head against the window so he couldn’t see my face, couldn’t see the tears welling up in my eyes. But the plan backfired.

“To write love on her arms?” he said sharply. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It saved my life,” I murmured softly, still unwilling to spill my secrets.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s an organization that helps fight depression,” I finally admitted.

I heard him suck in a sharp breath and felt a slight surge of satisfaction. “Seriously?”

“Come on, Seth. You said yourself I had a lot of crap going on. My world was crashing down around me. I… I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t have any way to fix it.”

“You had me,” he replied, an edge of desperation in his voice.

“Isn’t that what started this whole conversation?” I snapped. I took a deep breath as he pulled into the driveway, trying to calm down.

“I’m sorry, Sophie,” he pleaded. “I had no idea.”

“I know,” I murmured, moving to open my door.

“You can trust me,” he assured me. “You know that, right? I’ll always be here for you, no questions asked.”

I smiled sadly at him, pushing the hood off my head. “Whatever you say, Seth.”

“I mean it, Sophie. Promise me you won’t do anything… drastic.”

“You mean I shouldn’t think my life is worthless? You don’t want me to go slit my wrists in a bathtub?”

His face paled. “God no. That would…. I think that would just about kill me.”

I inwardly rolled my eyes. He was laying it on a little thick. Then again, I was too. “I won’t, Seth. My life is crap, but I have Aaron to keep me mostly sane.”

I could tell he was hurt, not being included in that description. But I wasn’t wiling to tell him what he needed to hear, not if it wasn’t true. “Just know that, if you ever need anything, if you ever change your mind… I’m here.”

“Thanks,” I muttered, turning so he wouldn’t see the latest wave of tears. “I’ll see you Monday.”

I walked up to my door, and I could feel him watching me. As the door shut behind me, I saw him slowly get out of his car and walk up to his house, looking like he had a huge weight pressing on his shoulders. I felt a slight pang for ruining his life again, but he asked. Besides, he’d have to learn to deal with the consequences of our history.