Living for the Music

History seemed to fly by. I answered as many questions as I could (there weren’t many), then used Aaron’s paper to ‘help’ me. Once he left, I turned in my test. There was no way I’d be able to get anything right by myself.

I found myself doodling on the paper, letting my mind wander. I ended up with a mass of stars, hearts, and squiggles. I’m really not an artist. When the bell rang, I headed to the science lab slowly, trying to stall as long as I could.

And I still got there before Seth. He ran in a minute before the bell rang and stopped dead when he saw me sitting at the lab table alone. “Where’s Aaron?” he asked.

I was relieved he was even talking to me. Otherwise, it could be a long period. “Doctor’s appointment,” I answered. “It’s just you and me today.”

He nodded, pausing a moment before sitting down next to me. “So I was thinking about what you said,” he began.

“Yeah?” I prodded, biting my lip.

He opened his mouth to say something, but suddenly the teacher walked in to the room. “Everyone pull out your notebooks. We have a lot of notes to get through today.”

Seth shot me an apologetic look as he reached down to open his backpack. I swore under my breath, hoping he was going to say something good. I was suddenly more nervous than I had been when I sat down. Since he had been the one to bring it up, he’d obviously come up with something. And the not knowing was killing me.

I somehow managed to take decent, legible notes. I couldn’t tell you anything that was said, but my notes sure could. I kept glancing at the clock, shifting in my seat, mentally calculating how long until I could get out of here.

Finally, after what felt like hours, the bell rang. I shoved my notebook back in my bag and turned to see Seth watching me. I took a deep breath, stealing my nerve. “Could you give me a ride home?” I asked, poised for rejection.

But he just nodded. “That sounds like a good idea.”

“Cool. Meet me at my locker?”

He nodded, locking eyes with me for a split second before he turned in the opposite direction. I rushed to my locker, quickly moving things between my locker and bag.

Seth came up behind me right as I was shutting my locker. "Ready to go?" he asked. I nodded, throwing my bag over my shoulder as we headed to the parking lot.

Seth unlocked the car and sat down in the driver's seat. "Mind if we take a detour?" he asked, glancing at me. "I feel like this deserves more than just a car ride."

I shrugged. "You're calling the shots now," I told him. "As long as I get home at a decent hour, I don't care."

He nodded again before putting the key in the ignition and pulling away from school. He turned in the opposite direction of our houses, heading instead for a smaller isolated part of town. He pulled into a drive-thru and ordered us both hot chocolates before turning and parking in a spot overlooking the river.

I recognized this area. At night, a little farther down the road, you could always find a couple making out, counting on the dark trees to shield them from prying eyes. But now, with the sun sparkling on the snow and the whitecaps on the river frantically twirling, the area looked like a scene out of picture book.

"So I thought a lot about what you said," Seth finally said. "Honestly, for a while I didn't know what to think."

"I-"

Seth shook his head. "Please. I've been thinking about this all day. It's my turn to talk, and your turn to listen."

I shut my mouth and nodded. I owed him that much.

"I think you're right. We've both changed. I mean, I know I have. But I guess a part of me expected to come back and see you, just like you were in eighth grade. I wanted to pick up right where we left off. But... well, you already know that didn't happen."

"Why didn't you call me?" I asked, immediately breaking my vow to stay silent. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I just... it seems like it would've been a logical thing to do."

"It was," he sighed. "That's exactly what I should've done. But it all happened so fast. I didn't have time to call you before we left, and then next thing I know I'm back in the States and I'm going to school the next day and I still haven't connected with you. And then our first meeting, at school.... it didn't go anything like I'd hoped."

"I was in shock," I defended myself. "You kinda sprung yourself on me."

"I know, Sophie," he said patiently, smiling gently at me. I felt my heart leap at the name. "Give me a chance to finish."

"Right," I muttered, forcing my mouth shut.

"Anyways, there I was, the new kid, and there you were. And you seemed really happy, and you didn't seem to want anything to change. I didn't want to mess anything up. I figured, it's just one day. What could one day possibly hurt? And then the car ride. Honestly, I think by then I was hoping for a miracle. I didn't know what to say to you. Because you had changed, and I didn't remember what we had in common, or even if we'd still have it in common. Everything seemed different."

“I was hoping you’d come over,” I admitted. “That night, I mean. I didn’t want you to go to Aaron’s. When he called and you were still there…”

“Yeah, I know,” Seth murmured. “I could tell from the way the conversation totally died on your end. Anyways, I thought we were getting somewhere during that music class. At least we still had that in common.”

“I remember laughing at your songs.” I grinned at the memory. “I can say that now, right? Since you’re not doing them?”

“I was only doing them because of you,” he said softly. I looked over at him in shock, but he was staring down at his cup of hot chocolate. “Have you heard them, Sophie? They seem like the soundtrack of your life. Yeah, I had big plans. We could do My Immortal as a duet, with me singing the chorus, and it seemed so perfect.”

“And I shot it down,” I finished, wincing slightly. “You know I didn’t mean it, right? I just thought… you and Avril Lavigne…”

“Yeah, I know,” he said, a note of laughter in his voice. “And it probably wouldn’t have worked anyways.”

“So how did it get so bad?” I asked quietly. “If we both wanted it, what went wrong?”

“It was that day I drove you home,” he sighed. “Honestly, I don’t know what happened, exactly, but you said something and I got defensive and then you accused me of something else and next thing I know, we’re in a mini-fight. And then you sprung the depression thing on me…” He shuddered. “I thought I was going to have a heart attack, when you just left like that. But I think what really killed me was how you didn’t seem to trust me. At all.”

“So that was what pissed you off?” I asked. “Seriously, that snowball really hurt.”

“By that point, I was frustrated, disappointed, pissed off – you name it. I just couldn’t understand you. Why didn’t you tell me what was going on? I mean, I know your life isn’t perfect.”

“If you haven’t noticed, Seth, all the boys in my life end up hurting me,” I snapped. “I have issues letting anybody in these days.”

“I never-”

“You never meant to,” I corrected. “But leaving me was just about the worst thing you could’ve done.”

He swore under his breath. “And now we’re doing it again,” he pointed out. “Why can’t we just get along?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I think we’re too much alike. Our personalities clash.”

He stared at me in confusion. “They didn’t before.”

“I know,” I laughed. “I’m kinda making this up as I go.”

He let out a startled laugh. “Oh. Good to know, I guess.”

I smiled, running my finger along the edge of my cup. “I think we’ve both become more defensive,” I allowed. “We have to learn how to let stuff slide or we’ll be constantly biting each others head off.”

“Like you do with Tyler?” Seth smirked. I shot him a curious glance. “I noticed you guys haven’t become friends.”

“I never liked him,” I shuddered. “You have to remember that.”

“I remember,” he agreed, finishing the last of his hot chocolate. “But I also thought you hated Aaron, so…”

“I never hated him,” I replied thoughtfully. “But I would never have admitted that I liked him. You’d have given me hell.”

“Only because I was jealous,” Seth countered.

I froze. Did he mean…

“I wanted to be your only friend – well, at least your best friend. Call it selfish, but I liked having you depend on me. It made me feel important. And I got pissed off at anyone who stood in the way.”

I smiled at him. “You were my only friend,” I said gently. “I wouldn’t have given you up for the world.”

His eyes met mine and I caught my breath. The silence was overwhelming. I could actually feel the tension growing between us. I licked my lips, mouth feeling suddenly dry. His eyes followed the movement, breaking our connection. I quickly turned away, taking a deep breath.

“You ready to go?” he asked quietly.

I nodded quickly, taking one last sip of my hot chocolate. Seth started the car and pulled away from the river. The silence lengthened, and I felt the distance between us grow.