Living for the Music

I opened the door quietly, listening for any unusual noises inside. The house was silent. I took the stairs two at a time, hurrying into my room. I quickly emptied my backpack onto my bed, glancing at the contents. I grabbed a few books and notebooks and put them back in before throwing the much lighter back over my shoulder again.

Suddenly, I froze. Downstairs I heard a key turning in the lock, the door slamming open. I groaned softly as I heard my dad stumble inside. I took a deep breath as I heard him enter the kitchen and prepared to sneak downstairs.

“Sophia?” he called.

I froze on the bottom step. “Yeah?” I turned to look at him, taking in his wrinkled clothes and bloodshot eyes, trying to remember the last time he had come home sober. I couldn’t.

“Where’re you going?” he slurred.

“Out,” I replied.

“Are you going next door again?” he asked sharply. “I don’t like you spending so much time over there.” I bit back my response as he continued to talk. “People might think you’re neglecting your family.”

“Some family,” I shot back before I could stop myself.

His face darkened. “I am your father,” he announced, words slightly off-shot by the staggering step he took towards me. “You should respect me.”

“You don’t deserve it,” I replied.

“I didn’t raise my daughter to talk to people like that,” he snapped. “To abandon her family for a different one.”

I felt tears stinging my eyes as I headed past him. “You didn’t raise me much at all,” I replied.

His hand shot out to catch my arm, his grip surprisingly steady. “But your mother… she should’ve taught you better.”

I quickly tore my hand out of his grip. “Don’t you dare blame Mom,” I cried. “You shouldn’t even talk about her.”

“Sophia… I’m not a bad man. You know that, right?”

I ran out the door, unable to fight this common battle, too weak to view the hopelessness that crushed my so-called father. I cut diagonally across the yard and hopped the fence, landing on the picnic bench that always sat there.

Seth glanced up from his books as I walked in the door. Without a word, he stood and gave me a hug, letting me sniff into his shoulder. “Shh,” he murmured. “It’s okay, Sophie. You’re fine.”

I drew away as Mara entered the room. “Hey,” I said, smiling shakily. “Anything I can do to help?”

“You know, hon, I think I’ve got it under control. I’m sure you have something better to do.”

“Homework,” I replied, grimacing as I indicated my backpack.

“Well, you guys go on up and do it. Dinner’ll be in about an hour.”

“Thanks, Mara,” I replied, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. Seth scooped up his books and papers and led the way down the hall.

Seth pushed open the door to his bedroom and I followed him in, dropping my backpack on the floor before collapsing on the bed. I took in the room, feeling a comfortable twinge at the familiarity of it. The walls were painted a dark, forest green, and all his furniture was made of some kind of dark wood. Seth set his books down carefully on his desk before spinning the chair around and straddling it so he could face me.

“So what’s new?” he asked, propping his chin up in one hand.

“You mean what’s changed in the last fifteen minutes?” I replied, smiling slightly. “Nothing.”

He nodded, correctly translating my words to mean ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ “How much homework do you really have?”

“Science and math,” I replied.

“Come on, that’s nothing,” Seth scoffed.

“Hey!” I protested. “I don’t like numbers, okay?”

He laughed. “I could’ve told you that.”

“Yeah, well, maybe you just know me too well.”

“If I don’t know you, no one does,” Seth assured me. I bit my lip slightly, falling back on the bed as the full impact of his words hit me. I knew I didn’t have many friends…. So why did it still hurt when he said it?

He groaned softly. “Sophie, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry.”

“I know you didn’t,” I replied. I studied his ceiling for a moment, unconsciously wondering why it was a different color than the walls.

“So, umm…. Do you want some help with your math?”

I pushed myself up and swung my legs over the side of the bed. “Sure,” I replied, dragging the second chair over to the desk. “You know that’s why I keep you around.”

Seth laughed as he pulled out a pencil, studying the book I had opened in front of him. In addition to being a jock, he had near-perfect GPA. If it wasn’t for Seth, I would’ve dropped out of my honors classes a long time ago. I still struggled for my friendly Bs, despite all his help.

“Mkay, so this is basic algebra. If you look at the problem, x is given, and you can put that into the equation.”

I followed his instructions, pencil scratching across the paper as I studied. “And then you can multiply both sides--”

“By 12,” I interrupted, “and then divide by 5.”

“Exactly.” Seth spun around in his chair, letting me finish the problem as he fumbled with his laptop. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him pull up his iTunes, selecting a playlist as music came streaming out of the speakers.

“I love this song!” I announced, grinning at him.

He smiled back at me, pushing the computer back as he pulled out his own textbook. “I know,” he replied. “It’s a good song.”

I did another problem, singing under my breath. “I’m strong on the surface, not all the way through. I’ve never been perfect, but neither have you.”

Seth glanced at me for a moment before turning back to his reading. I paused, pulling the laptop towards me and browsing through his music. I quickly added a few songs to the playlist he’d set up and resumed my math before he could say anything. He grinned wryly at me but didn’t comment as he went back to his homework.

“Wait, how do I do this one?” I asked, pointing at a problem in my book. Seth glanced at it for a second before quickly sketching out a formula.

“Put the variables in and solve for x.”

I obeyed, going through the motions until I got to an answer. “That wasn’t hard,” I told him, staring puzzledly at the problem.

“It isn’t supposed to be,” Seth replied. “You just gotta remember the formulas.”

“Yeah, I’ll leave that to you,” I sighed, standing up and stretching. “Too much work for me.”

“Want to take a break?” he asked, watching me pace around the room.

“I can’t,” I sighed, forcing myself to sit back down. “I have to get this science done tonight or else it’ll be late.”

“Tell you what. You work on that until I’m done with my reading and then I’ll help you with it.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes big brother,” I agreed, used to his bossy tone. “Because the world will fall apart if you don’t help me.”

“The world might not but your grades sure will,” he replied confidently.

“Can you say ego?” I teased, opening my lab notebook.

He rolled his eyes before he resumed studying his textbook. I shook my head in disbelief. Seth was the only person I knew who actually took the time to read all the history chapters. Although come to think of it, that was probably related to him having the only A in the class.

His computer dinged softly and I pretended not to notice as he pulled up his instant messaging. I could tell from the look on his face that it was a girl and I ignored the stab of jealousy that shot through me. I was used to his other life, the one that didn’t include me. I’d known from the beginning that if it weren’t for our history, he’d never even look at me.

I focused on my science, trying to make sense of it. I glanced between the lab sheet, my notebook, and Seth, always shifting my gaze before he could catch me looking. I knew that he would quit the chat immediately if he thought it bothered me, and I didn’t want him to do that. He’d been taking care of me since we were five, and he deserved to have his own life, outside of me and my problems.