Living for the Music

We made it to the house without incident. Mara was listening to Christmas music and happily singing along to any song she knew. Nathan rolled his eyes a couple times, but I thought it was cute. It seemed like something a mother would do.

When we reached the house, Seth grabbed my good wrist before I could pull away. “We’re gonna go upstairs, Mom,” he called before I could protest.

“Okay,” she replied, already half-way to the kitchen. “Have fun.”

When we got up to his room, Seth collapsed on his bed. I glanced around, trying to see if there was anything new in this room. More pictures on the bulletin board, a new trinket on his desk. Nothing out of the ordinary.

“So why are you still going out with him?” Seth asked bluntly.

I sighed. “Why are you going out with Taylor?”

“I’m not,” he muttered.

I stared at him in confusion. “But your profile…”

“It’s easier that way,” he shrugged.

“But-”

“Someday I’ll tell you the whole story,” he interrupted. “But right now it’s your turn.”

I groaned. “Come on, Seth. You have to at least pretend to understand.”

“What do you mean?”

“He makes me feel good about myself,” I murmured. “I mean, he helped me discover parts of myself I never would’ve found on my own.”

“Which parts?” Seth retorted. “The fact that you’re secretly a coward?”

I slapped him, before I could even think about it. I stared at my hand in amazement, then looked up at him holding his cheek. I remembered, too late, that he was probably still sore from Aaron’s beating. But I couldn’t bring myself to apologize.

“Don’t judge me, Seth,” I whispered. “Please. If you do, I swear to God I’ll-”

“I’m sorry,” he allowed. “That was a low blow.”

I nodded. “I’m not a coward,” I repeated. “You don’t understand. You can’t. I mean, I just…”

I looked away, blinking back tears. “Shh,” he muttered, coming down to sit next to me on the ground. “It’s okay, Sophie. I’m sorry. I’m just so pissed at Aaron I could…”

“Start another fight?” I suggested wryly.

“Exactly,” he groaned.

“Don’t,” I cried, turning to look at him. “Please, Seth. Aaron will forgive and forget if you do.”

“How am I supposed to do that?” he snapped. “He’s hurting you, Sophie.”

“Can you imagine how much it’d hurt me if I was torn between you guys?” I asked quietly. “It would be so much worse.”

Seth stood up and began pacing around his room. “God, this is all my fault. If I hadn’t left, you never would’ve gone out with him.”

“That’s not true,” I replied. “I would have anyway.”

“Well, at the very least you would’ve gotten out of it before you were in over your head!” he retorted.

I sighed, resting my head on the edge of his bed as I watched him tread back and forth. “It’s okay, Seth,” I whispered. “I’m fine.”

“For how long?” he asked, a definite edge in his voice. “How long until he hurts you again?”

I shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know.”

“Exactly,” he replied.

“Just let it go,” I pleaded. “I promise I’ll come to you if it gets out of control. But please don’t make me choose. I wouldn’t know what to do.”

I could tell he got he message – I didn’t know if I would choose him. I knew Seth. I knew the only thing that would hurt him more than letting Aaron push me around would be not being there to support me.

“I’m not happy about this,” he finally said.

“I know,” I replied. “You don’t have to be. But please. For me.”

“You come to me first. With anything,” he ordered.

I nodded and the boy sighed heavily. “I guess that’s as good as I’m gonna get.”

I stood up and gave him a quick hug. “I – owe you,” I finished. I changed my words at the last minute, unable to admit that I still loved him. It felt wrong, when I couldn’t even say it to my own boyfriend.

He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed. "I'm never going to forgive myself for this," he muttered. "Never. And if something goes wrong..."

"It won't," I whispered.

"You don't know that," he snapped. "I swear, I will fucking kill Aaron if he does... if he... "

I rested my head on his chest, unable to tell him that it couldn't possibly be any worse than it already was.