Living for the Music

Five minutes later, Aaron was driving me home. I watched him from under my eyelids, still amazed that’ someone like him would be going out with a girl like me. He glanced at me as he pulled into my driveway. “When’s Seth coming back?”

I shrugged. “Soon, I think.”

He watched me curiously. “I thought you guys were close. Hasn’t he told you?”

“We were,” I replied. “But the long distance thing…. It didn’t work out.”

“So you haven’t heard from him?”

“Not recently,” I sighed, glancing at Seth’s house. I couldn’t quite explain how our communication had slowly died over the last three years. I got the occasional note, and every few months we’d have a string of emails before contact faded into oblivion. But I hadn’t heard from any of his family for nearly a month now.

“Maybe they decided to stay in England,” Aaron suggested.

I froze. “Wow, Aaron, thank you for putting that thought in my head,” I snapped.

Something cold flashed in his eyes. I flinched slightly, doing some quick math in my head. I should still be safe. He normally waited longer…

Sure enough, he calmed down a moment later. “Sorry, babe,” he sighed. “I didn’t mean it.”

“No, it’s okay,” I assured him, relaxing a little. “For all I know, they could be.”

“Nah, they’d tell you,” Aaron stated.

I smiled at him. “Thanks, Aar. I needed to hear that.”

He leaned in over the dashboard and pressed his lips against mine. “Don’t worry,” he murmured. “He’ll be fine. Besides, you have me now. You don’t need Seth.”

I leaned closer to him, willing myself to believe him. But part of me still shied away from telling Aaron everything Seth had known about me from the beginning. “I have to go,” I whispered, pulling away to open the door. “Pick me up tonight?”

“I’ll be here at seven,” he promised. I grabbed my backpack and gave him one last look before turning and climbing out of the car.

The leaves crunched under my feet as I walked up the path. I glanced over at Seth’s lawn, covered with brightly colored leaves from the big oak tree. I had a flashback of Seth and Nathan and I jumping in the huge piles we used to rake up. I could still see the flush in Nathan’s cheeks, the red and orange leaves stuck in Seth’s hair. I bit my lips, wrenching my gaze away. I finally reached the door, unlocking it and letting myself inside.

The house was dark. In the aftermath of the bustling school, it seemed empty and sad. I headed up to my room, not pausing by the door to the place I knew my dad was in. I hadn’t changed my room at all in the past three years. The walls were still the plain white that Nathan had been dying to get his hands on. My furniture was black. Actually, glancing around the room I saw it all lacked color. The only thing adorning my wall was the portrait Nathan had drawn, and a loan picture was the only splotch of color on my desk.

I turned on my old desktop and waited for the computer to boot up. I mentally ran over my list of homework, quickly deciding nothing needed to be done tonight. I was holding steady Cs and saw no reason to disrupt the pattern.

When the computer finally turned on, I quickly opened up the internet. Pulling up my email in one window and Facebook in the other, I leaned back to see which one would load faster.

Email won by a long shot. I quickly flipped through all the new ones, not finding anything interesting. I turned my attention to my Facebook page – something was sure to be interesting there. Sophia is… tired, I quickly typed, updating my status. I scanned the list of my friends’ updates, looking for something interesting. My eyes fell on one of the Damon brothers – unfortunately, the wrong one.

Wait, what? Nathan is engaged? I quickly clicked the link that led me to his page. At the top of his profile was a picture of him with his arm wrapped around a girl. I knew she had been his girlfriend for, well, awhile now, but his fiancée? I never would’ve pegged Nathan to be engaged before he was out of college.

As my shock died down, I began to grin. Good for him. If anyone deserved to fall in love, it was Nathan. I quickly opened up his email and sent him off a quick message. Hey – congrats on the engagement. When do I get to meet her? <3 Sophie

I jumped back to my homepage to finish looking at other updates. I winced slightly when I saw that Tyler had sent me a kiss. Sometimes I wondered whether Tyler was purposely trying to make my life miserable or if it was just his natural talent.

I was just about to sign off when the computer dinged. Glancing over, I froze when I saw that Seth had just signed on. With the time difference between here and England, we were barely ever on at the same time. I sat in silence for a moment, staring at his name. Inside my head, I was at war with myself.

You should send him a message.

It’s his turn. I emailed him last.

So? You know you want to talk to him.

That’s not the point. He’ll think I’m desperate.

You were best friends. Of course he won’t think you’re desperate.

Before I could come up with a good answer, the computer dinged again. I glanced at Seth’s status update. ‘Seth is in love with Taylor Righby.’ My heart sunk a little. Okay, they might not be actually in love, but he’d gone and gotten himself an English girlfriend. Why again would he want an ex-best friend?

Don’t sell yourself short. Besides, don’t you want him to be happy?

Yeah, but I want him to be happy with me.

As soon as the thought hit me, I wanted to slap myself. He was in England. It wasn’t exactly close. Besides, I had a great boyfriend. I mean, Aaron had some issues, but so does everybody else. At least he understood me.

But Seth understood me more.

I wanted to kill the voices in my head. They weren’t making this discussion any easier. I quickly turned away from the computer. If I pretended it didn’t exist, I’d be fine. I snorted with my own chaotic reasoning and turned to head downstairs to get some food.

I opened the fridge, trying to figure out what was fresh and edible. I finally found some lunchmeat that smelled okay and threw together a sandwich. I opened a pop can and sat down at the table, unconsciously stewing over the Damon brothers. The irony of them both ‘falling in love’ on the same day was not lost on me. Once again, I tried to shove them out of my head.

But the thoughts that took their place were not necessarily any better. I suddenly remembered my mom, telling me that no matter what, she’d always love me. I winced at the memory, realizing I had forgotten that as the other parts in my life got harder. I tried to figure out why that came back to me now, why I hadn’t remembered that right after Seth moved.

I froze as I heard a door open upstairs. I swore softly as I glanced at the clock. Still too early for me to escape with Aaron… I decided not to move. Maybe he wouldn’t see me…

“Sophie?” he slurred as he walked in.

“Don’t call me that,” I snapped.

My father snorted as he staggered in to the kitchen. “I’ll call you whatever I want to.”

From across the room, I could smell the alcohol that wafted in with him. “Don’t,” I repeated softly, unable to take the memories connected to that name.

“Don’t? Don’t? Who the hell are you to tell me what to call my own daughter? I named you, I raised you, I’ll do whatever the hell I want with you.”

The only thing that kept me silent was the knowledge that he wouldn’t hurt me. No matter what happened, despite how mad he got, he would never actually hit me. The words hurt, but they didn’t hurt as much as they would if he was sober. This way, I could write some of it off as the beer talking.

“You mom… she was the same way. Didn’t understand the meaning of respect.”

I clenched my fists. Okay, so the words could hurt. A lot. “We’re better off without her, Sophie. Much better off.”

I stood up, shoving my chair backwards. “Where you going?” my dad asked in surprise. “Hey! Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you.”

Shaking slightly, I made my way out the kitchen with forcibly controlled steps.

Don’t freak out don’t flip out keep you calm,my conscience chanted. You’re getting out of here just a few more minutes you can do it.

I shut my door firmly behind me, putting all my effort into not slamming it. If I showed my anger, he would take advantage of it. For some twisted, messed up reason, nothing made him push harder than knowing he was getting to me. I quickly glanced at the computer screen, not processing what I was seeing. I ignored the new message in my inbox, shutting the computer down before I got any more fed up.

I spun around, glancing at the clock. Ten minutes. I could last the next ten minutes. Then Aaron would be here and I would be fine for the rest of the night. I quickly spun into the bathroom to glance at the mirror. I still wasn’t prepared for the face that looked back at me. My hair was still black, but the new dark blue streaks caught in the light. It was... different. Three years ago, I never would’ve gone through with it. But I liked the change. It was just an outward sign of all the inner changes I’d gone through.

I quickly redid my hair, putting a little extra effort in for Aaron. I examined my reflection, from the long-sleeved t-shirt to my dark jeans. I looked good – well, good enough for a casual ‘date’. Once upon a time, I wouldn’t have even tried this hard.

I grabbed my purse from my bed and took off down the stairs. I heard my dad say something, but I didn’t bother to take the time to try to translate his slurred voice. I reached the yard as Aaron pulled up. Finally, something in my life was going right.
Or not.