Living for the Music

As if on cue, my phone rang. “Hey Sophie,” Seth said cheerfully. “So I was thinking you might want to come over here. Everyone’s gone – obviously – and I think it’d probably be better for you than your house.”

I nodded, then realized he couldn’t see me. “I’ll be over in just a minute,” I mumbled. I stepped into my boots, then threw on a jacket and ran across the yard to his house. I pushed the door open, then locked it behind me as I kicked off my shoes. I made my way down the hall, to Seth’s room.

“Did you read it all?” I asked quietly when I stood in the doorway.

Seth jerked his head towards me, shutting the book that had been open on his desk. There was a moment of silence before he answered. “Yes.”

I let out a long sigh as I fell onto his bed. “Is should be mad, shouldn’t I? I should be furious. Screaming at you.”

“Why aren’t you?”

“I’m just tired,” I murmured. I wasn’t physically tired – I’d gotten more than enough sleep – but I was mentally exhausted. “I just… I can’t do it, Seth.”

“Shh,” he soothed, crawling into bed next to me. “What can’t you do?”

“Any of this. I can’t live, I can’t thrive like you do. It’s just… not me.”

“That’s okay,” he whispered. “You don’t have to be anything.

“Just hold me, Seth,” I begged, blinking back tears. “Please?”

He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry into his shirt for the… third time? Or was it the forth…

“I’m sorry,” I sobbed. “I know you’re sick of me crying… I shouldn’t take it out on you.”

“It’s okay, Soph,” he murmured, stroking my hair. “It’s okay.

I sniffed, then pulled away. “Thanks.”

Seth nodded, rolling onto his back and shoving his hands behind his head. I glanced at him, and then did a double take. “What happened?” I asked worriedly. I reached out to trace a bruise that was forming on his cheek.

He shrugged away my concern. “It’s no big deal.”

“Where were you?” I asked. I scanned the rest of his body. “Were you in a fight?”

“I went to school,” Seth replied.

“Why?” I shrieked. “God, if Aaron saw you… if he’d asked about me…”

“He did,” Seth assured me.

I groaned. “God, Seth, what did you do?”

He was silent for a moment too long. I realized what time it was, and my brain began to put together what had happened. “Again?” I groaned. “God, didn’t you learn the first time?”

“Learn what?”

“You can’t fight Aaron,” I said bluntly. “You’ll lose. Every time.”

“Not this time.” Seth sounded smug. “I think I got my point across.”

I stared at him, mixed emotions running through my mind. “He’s gonna be pissed,” I muttered, standing up and pacing. “I’ve got to call… apologize… or he’ll hate me. I can’t-”

“Sophie.” Seth’s voice was firm as he grabbed my hand, pulling me back down on the bed. “You don’t have to worry about him.”

“What do you mean?” He’s my boyfriend. Of course he’s going to take it out o me.”

"He’s not your boyfriend anymore,” Seth assured me.

“Bu – what do you mean?”

“I took the liberty of breaking up with him for you,” Seth said unapologetically. “While I was pounding in his face.”

“Oh.” I sat down weakly, trying to wrap my head around the concept. Aaron was… gone? I didn’t have to worry about him anymore? That was a… relief, I guess.

“Sophie?” Seth sounded slightly worried. “Are you okay?”

“Maybe?” I answered.

“I’m not sorry I did it,” he continued, and I wasn’t sure whether he was trying to convince me or himself. “I didn’t want you to have to deal with him, not after everything he did, and I sure as hell didn’t want you to get back together with him.”

“No, it’s okay,” I interrupted. And it was. “I’m just… can I take a shower?”

Seth looked slightly surprised but quickly recovered. “Of course. Here.” He rummaged around in a drawer for a second before tossing me a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. “You can wear these, if you want.”

I smiled at him. “Thanks.”

He nodded and moved aside, allowing me access to the door.

I moved to the bathroom, shutting the door firmly behind me. I stripped off my clothes and turned the water on as high as it would go. I waited for a moment, letting it get nice and hot before I climbed in.

The water scalded me, burning hot. I wanted to jump out, or at least adjust the temperature, but I forced myself to endure the water. Gradually, my body adjusted and I became less tense. But before I let myself relax, I grabbed a washcloth and began scrubbing my body furiously.

It felt like I would never be clean, like Aaron would always contaminate me. I scrubbed the marks where his hands had been, cleaning myself as thoroughly as I could. My skin was red, raw, as I sank down in the tub.

The tears shook my body again, and I dropped the sponge, feeling the water as it burned against my red skin. I took a deep breath as the steam burned away all the darkness that had attached itself to me. I was done with that.

Finally, I climbed out of the tub and turned off the water. I toweled my hair dry before running the cloth carefully over my body. I pulled on the sweatpants and Seth’s shirt, letting his smell fill my senses. It was familiar, comforting. It reminded me of home.

I stepped out into the hall and made my way back to Seth’s room. My battling emotions had been replaced with a quiet calm. I was ready for anything.

Seth was sitting at his desk, frowning down at his notebook. I could hear the familiar scratching noise as the pen flew across the paper, and the sound was surprisingly comforting. I nestled into the beanbag next to the window and stared outside. It was snowing, the flakes drifting lazily through the air before coming to rest on the ground.

The calm continued inside me. There was something calming about the snow. I sighed softly, resting my head against the window. I wasn’t tired, but I didn’t want to move, either. I was happy. I…