Never Say Always

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I woke to blinding lights, a monotone beep echoing the silent room – from what I could gather from the smell of disinfectant; it was a hospital side room.

I placed a hand on my stomach, which wasn't as hard as it was the last time I had placed my hand on there – in fact, it was jelly. Soon a pit of emptiness came out of my system, and then I knew deep down that something had happened, and it was my fault.

“Joe?” I croaked out, hearing A chair scrape across the floor – someone had obviously gotten up.

“It's Josh sweetie, I'm here. I called as soon as Laura told me - I'm so sorry.” Sympathy layered over his beautiful accent and I threw it off, pretending that he never mentioned it.

“Where's Joe?” I whispered, looking into his ocean blue eyes – instantly captivated.

“Laura's tried calling him, but he hasn't answered.. No one knows where he is Katy.” Josh looked away slowly, hoping to get off this very awkward subject.

I gulped back the tears and looked at Josh again, his long dark hair falling over his eyes as he pushed the strands of his hair away annoyingly. How come I couldn't fall for him like I fell for Joe? He was practically identical to him, apart from the longer hair, the blue eyes – and the sexy English accent.

“Is something on your mind?” I asked, trying to lift myself up from the awkward position I woke up in.

“I want you back, Katy” Josh's softness of his voice nearly broke the last piece of my heart, listening to how desperate he sounded. “I don't care if you love Joe or if you still want him, but I know in time – I can make you love me, and the day you do – I will be there. Will you give me the chance?” Josh looked up to me, his bright blue eyes sparkling, pleading with me.

This was unfair how he put me in this position; but either way my heart went out to him. He always treated me right, he always knew how to treat me as a princess. But could I really love him? Like, properly love him? I had just lost something so important to me, and the guy I loved with everything wasn't even here. Why shouldn't I give Josh a chance?

I sighed, smiling falsely. “I suppose we could try again.” His face lit up like a three year old as he squeezed me tight, sending a big case of butterflies mixed with guiltiness into my stomach.

“You won't regret this baby, you really won't.” He cooed into my ear, making me melt slightly.

Maybe this wasn't a bad idea after all?

***************************

“Are you sure you'll be alright to go to this concert?” Laura questioned, concern laced in her voice.

I nodded numbly, yet again another fake smile emitting from my lips. “I'll be fine – I promise. It's only the boys, remember?”

“I know but--”

“Look, I'm going there to support Nick and Kevin. I heard they tried visiting me while I was in hospital – but they weren't allowed in. I'm going there strictly on a friends basis for them two, I'm not there to cause trouble, and as for Joe? Do you honestly think I'd ever talk to him after what's happened?” I spoke softly, my voice cracking towards the end.

When it came down to it, I was more than fragile. I was broken down to my core to the point that even my heart beating felt forced. Losing the baby just made me feel like I failed in my life, the fame, the singing didn't matter. That baby could have been everything – and to lose it like that? It broke me in more words than I could ever tell you.

But you know what's more worse? Joseph Adam Jonas didn't even have the guts to come and see me. Yeah, you heard right. I checked on Perez and apparently he had found out about me, and looked pretty pissed off – headed to the 'hospital' when really? He was at Cam-shitta's, probably fucking her brains out.

I don't know what made me feel worse – the thought of me being alone whilst losing something so precious to me – or the other thought of Joe not even caring about me and his dying unborn baby and instead of seeing what the hell was going on like his panic stricken brothers, he went to his skank girlfriends to bang her.

“And when it rains on this side of town
It touches everything
Just say it again and mean it
We don't miss a thing

You made yourself a bed at the bottom of the blackest hole
Blackest hole
And convinced yourself that it's not the reason
You don't see the sun anymore

And oh, oh, how could you do it?
Oh, I, I never saw it coming
And oh, oh, I need an ending
So why can't you stay just long enough to explain?”

***************************

I arrived at the secluded concert, no screaming twelve year old pre-teen could be heard outside screeching how much they loved Nick, or the occasional older fan who adored Kevin and his ability to talk forever – it was just a small little venue that hardly anyone knew about.

I walked in to see the place almost empty – and the fans that did find out about it, were being very quiet about it, screaming at the right place, being silent and singing along softly to what I could call out as a love song.

“This-this song,” I knew that voice. That voice, made me want to be sick. “is for somebody I let down so horrendously. I let them down in more ways than possible, and you know what? She'll never forgive me – because she's probably still stuck in a hospital bed asking herself 'why?' 'what did I do for him to act like this?' well do you want to know the truth?” His voice was hoarse as he yelled out to the hundred fans – their screams as a response.

“I let her go – I let her suffer for all my mistakes; I let potentially the one person I ever loved with my heart free; I hurt her, she never hurt me. I saved her, yet she saved me. She was everything I could of asked for – but I clearly more than messed it up. She lost the one thing she'll never get back, even with praying. I was an ass and ran away, instead of being there; kissing the top of her head – telling her we'd make another fifty million babies and--”

I saw Kevin walk up to his vulnerable brother and put a hand on his shoulder as he stepped away from the mic, from what I could see – he was wiping away tears.

“This song's called Sorry,” Joe whispered into the microphone. “And if she ever hears this – baby girl, I love you more than anything – and I'm sorry.”

The beautiful melody struck multiple chords in my heart as I absent-mindedly walked towards the stage, brushing past not even angered teenagers – my gaze set firmly as his beautiful voice genuinely poured out the truthful words.

“Broken hearts and last goodbyes
Restless nights but lullabies
Help to make this pain go away
I realize I let you down
Told you that I'd be around
I'm building up the strength just to say

I'm sorry
For breaking all the promises
That I wasn't around to keep
It's on me
This time is the last time
I will ever beg you to stay
But you're already on your way

Filled with sorrow, filled with pain
Knowing that I am to blame
For leaving your heart out in the rain
And I know you're going to walk away
Leave me with a price to pay
Before you go, I wanted to say, yeah

That I'm sorry
For breaking all the promises
That I wasn't around to keep
It's on me
This time is the last time
I will ever beg you to stay
But you're already on your way.”

Forget front row, I had a helping hand off a devoted fan to get me onto there somehow. I tapped Joe on the shoulder as an instrumental kicked in, he whipped his sweaty face round and met my teary eyes, his face priceless.

He grabbed my hand and fell to his knees, tears now pouring from both of our eyes – and at that moment, everyone and everything apart from the melody vanished from my mind – it was just me and Joe, his broken eyes staring into my own.

“I can't make it alive on my own
Well, if you have to go
Then, please, girl
Just leave me alone
'Cause I don't wanna see you and me
Going our separate ways
I'm begging you to stay
If it isn't too late

I'm sorry
For breaking all the promises
That I wasn't around to keep
It's on me
This time is the last time
I will ever beg you to stay
But you're already on your way

But you're already on your way...”

Joe had now risen to his normal height, towering over me as my heart rate quickened – and immediately, Josh flashed into my mind. I couldn't do this to him, myself, or Joe. I was supposed to hate him – I was supposed to rub it in his face how much I thought he was stupid, and that song didn't affect me in no way at all.

But everyone would know that I would be lying, even my mind would probably bitch slap me for such a stupid remark.

All of a sudden, darkness took over the stage – and all I could feel was Joe's rapid breathing on my cheek; my hands becoming clammy.

“I love you, forever and always Katy. I'm so sorry, I really am.” I could almost hear him sobbing, my heart pathetically making it's way into his hands again.

I shook my head, my mind not wanting this to happen – it wasn't supposed to happen! I was supposed to come here, tell Joe that I never wanted to see him again and go off with Josh and have a happy ending. I tried finding my voice, and when I did? I said the most terrible thing I could of ever said to him – and even this broke my heart.

“I can't love you anymore Joe – I'm getting married; with Josh.”

***************************

I sighed, my mind spinning from the events I had just forced myself to go through. The pain itched on Joe's face – the blank stares the audience gave, the evil glares his brothers launched my way – everything was too much.

I got out of my car forcefully, collecting my thoughts together as the rain splashed down even harder and by now, despite being out the car for about a minute – I was completely soaked. I rolled my eyes at how the weather reflected on how I felt, but yet again I pushed that aside and walked in the door, thankful they had a ground floor apartment.

I knocked on their door with a heavy heart, my mind racing with what I was about to say. I was getting caught in my own web of lies – and one day, I'll roll myself out of it – and nobody will even want the effort to talk to me.

Josh appeared at the door, his sleepy eyes registering that I had even turned up at his apartment. He had just Calvin Klein boxers on; his ripped six-pac obviously put on show. If I hadn't been so fragile at that moment, I could of drooled.

“Baby? What are you doing here at three in the morning?” I heard him croak.

Normally that pet name would have been totally adorable, but instead I just winced and put my arms around his neck, pecking his lips slightly.

Ew, morning breath. Someone could of at least warned me about that. Disgusting.

“I love you, Josh. I need to move on, and it's with you – I promise.” I whispered, his smile finally playing on his lips.

“I swear Katy, I'll never hurt you – cross my heart.”

“And hope to die?”

“Stick a blunt needle in my eye.” He winked as he pulled me in harshly, slamming the door shut as he smirked.

I raised my eyebrows as he came towards me – the same smirk repeating on his face again. He was going to do something, I knew it – but I wish he'd just get on with it already!

“C'mon, I'm tired. I want to sleep. You coming?” I breathed out a sigh of relief as I grabbed his outstretched hand and yet again smiled falsely.

“You betcha.”

“Take these chances to turn it around
Take your time
Just take these chances
We'll make it somehow
And take these chances to turn it around
Take my...
Just turn it around

You can take your time
Take my time...”