Never Say Always

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I woke to the side table vibrating constantly, my phone nearly falling off. I groaned and pressed the phone to my ear, not bothering to look at the I.D

“This better be a good reason for waking me up..” I hissed into the speaker, my sleep deprivation obviously getting the better of my mood.

Right now, I felt like crawling underneath the covers and never coming out. Fuck you, God, for giving me such a fucked up life to lead. And as for Cupid – that asshole needed a wedgie; diaper style.

“Katy, you need to come quick! Something has happened to your mom, and Laura needs to--”

I shot up from the lying down position and sat upright, the pain quickly jolting through me for my sudden movement. See what I told you? If it's not my heart, it's some other part of my body that's in pain. Fuck you karma – you son of a bitch.

“What's happened? Is she okay?” I pulled back the covers and quickly retrieved my clothing that was thrown across all parts of Josh's bedroom – Get your mind out the gutter, people. I was too tired to even think about anything last night.

“I can't tell you over the phone, you need to come over right now.” Kevin's stern voice threw me off guard as I quickly pulled took the phone away from my ear to quickly put on my t-shirt.

“Are you at your place?” I questioned, walking out and completely ignoring Josh and putting my shoes on – his face itched in annoyance.

“Sure am. Just be fast, Katy. Laura needs to talk you.” I pressed the red button on my button and continued getting ready within record time.

“Where are you going? I made you breakfast.” Josh pointed over to the glass table with two plates filled with a cooked breakfast on – my stomach churned.

“Something has come up, I need to go.” I ruffled my messed up hair in the mirror one last time before placing my hand on the doorknob, my heart already beating too fast for my own good.

“You see what I mean? Why can't you open up to me, Katy? If you are going to love me, you need to tell me everything – not leave me out in the cold!” I ignored Josh's pleas and walked out the door, my head already spinning.

Was my mom okay? I hadn't talked to her for more than six years – but she was still my mother, the one that brought me up until Wayne came into her life. I just hoped that he hadn't gotten to her – I could only have so much faith in that, and believe me, there wasn't much.

“It's funny how you think you really know yourself
Like you would never lose yourself to someone else
And I was up to thinking it was all about you and me
Silly, silly me
I should have never listened to a word you said
But I was always giving in to promises
I never should have gone
I should never long for you no matter how hard it gets
And I want this to be over
I so want this to be through
In the end somehow it always comes back to you”

****************

I pulled up at the Jonas' house, Laura's car messily parked up on the driveway, and instantly that gave a bad sign away. I didn't even bother to pick my cell phone from the passenger seat. I got out, slamming the car door and ignoring the paparazzi and making my way to the front door.

I knocked quite harshly, tapping my foot impatiently. What was taking them so long? I'm going to be literally hit with a camera if they don't hurry the fuck up!

“Thank god your here.” Nick breathed, grabbing my t-shirt and dragging me in, his eyes too red and blotchy from some amount of crying. That was just how Laura was.

Anybody that has ever seen her cry, anyone that cares about Laura and sees that sight, it's like an enduring circle of depressing people – seriously.

He pulled me into the living room where a distorted Laura – who was being comforted by Joe -- looked at me with hopeful eyes, my tears already pouring from my face. What did I tell you – Laura could make anybody cry.

“What happened Laur?” I stood in front of her, not wanting to get any closer to Joe, who was now looking at me.

Sympathy was written all over her face, her eyes red and puffy from the amount of crying she had already done. Laura wasn't the type to cry unless something bad happened – something that hurt her or anybody else she cared about. She had a big heart, and her emotions are like a locked cupboard – they only make their way out once in a while.

“Your Mom isn't doing so good, apparently she fell down some flight of stairs. It's pretty bad, Katy. She's in a coma.” The words that came out of her mouth didn't stop my heart.

I might not of spoken to her for years, but she was still my mother – she still brought me up in my childhood years, gave me the love I deserve – but my head was being stubborn like usual, not wanting me to give two craps. After all, she was the one that threw me out and disowned me about Wayne.

“Am I supposed to feel anything, like I should go and be at her aid or something?” I questioned, tears flinging to my eyes.

I felt everyone's eyes on me – as if I said something offensive. The only person in that room that knew about my past was Joe – and I wasn't ready to just blurt out my dreaded past.

“How could you say that Katy? She's your mom!” Kevin spoke, almost appalled with me.

I placed a hand through my hair as I sat down, the tears finally letting go. I couldn't tell them, they wouldn't understand. I glanced at Joe for a brief second, his genuine smile calming me down. Wait, I was supposed to hate him – he didn't even come to the hospital for Christ sakes.

“Look guys, there's something that happened a few years ago with my Mom and I, but I'm just not ready to tell you yet – you have to understand.” I sighed, a tear finally dropping from my eye as I absent-mindedly put a hand on my stomach.

That further upset me even more, as the emptiness from the hospital came flooding back into my brain – and I couldn't control myself. I had lost the one thing that couldn't be taken away from me, the one thing I could love unconditionally forever. The baby that could of brought me and Joe together, the baby that would of saved me.

But it was gone – and never coming back. It was like God intentionally stole my one chance of happiness away, and decided to make things worse by letting me not get rid of this jelloed bump.

“What is there to understand? It can't be that bad,” Laura egged me on, and I began to get irritated.

Damn you pregnancy hormones that will not vanish.

“It is that bad Laura, I just don't want you guys judging me – I'm not ready for you to know yet.” I looked at Laura as she rolled her eyes and got up.

“Well,” Laura spat – clearly annoyed. “If you want the details to see your Mom, just text me.” I rolled my eyes at the sudden change-of-heart from Laura – but that was to be expected.

“Do you think that I can talk to Katy... alone?” Joe spoke up, my heart rate almost bouncing off the walls.

Don't let me be on my own with him Laura. Please, don't punish me like that. Don't be a bitch all your life. Just say that beautiful word – and I'll be your slave.

“Sure,” Laura grinned at me – my anger boiling.

That bitch, well I know who's salary is going to be cut short this month!

I glanced at Joe, emotionless. Only God would know what he was going to talk to me about – and in my emotional state right now, I'd rather he'd never talk to me again about anything. Just being in the same room was enough to get my heart beating irregularly, who knows what he was going to try now.

“looking so innocent
i might believe you if i didn't know
i could have loved you all my life
if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
and you got your share of secrets
and I'm tired of being last to know
and now you're asking me to listen
because its worked each time before

You had me falling for you, honey
And it never would have gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade”

****************

“You should tell them, you know.” Finally the awkward silence was sub-sided as Joe finally spoke.

“I'm not ready for that yet, Joseph.” I sneered, avoiding my gaze to land on Joe's beautiful eyes.

He wasn't going to get through me this time, not with the way I was now. He should of come to the hospital, he should of held my hand and kissed my forehead and promised me that everything would be okay – even if it wasn't going to be.

“So we're back to full names Now?” He questioned, a hint of anger in his voice.

“What I tell people about my past is my decision, so I don't see why your trying to get involved and tell me who I should and shouldn't tell.” I heard him chuckle as the words left my mouth, making me even more mad.

“I'm only looking out for you,” He smiled as I finally locked eyes with him – that sentence was a total lie, not to mention a stupid fake promise he already had broken.

“Wow, you really are stupid aren't you?” I scoffed, “You're only looking out for me? Where was you when I was at the hospital, Joe? I needed you more than anything – but was you looking out for me then?” I shouted, now looking him in the eyes.

I wasn't going to let myself cry right now – not about this. Sure it was still a healing wound, but there was no way that I was going to show him that I still loved him, in any way.

“I didn't think you'd want me to be there, not that you have a Fiancé now.” I rolled my eyes, what a low blow Joe – shows how much of an asshole you are.

“He wasn't there,” I ran a hand through my hair – glancing into Joe's shocked eyes. “And neither were you.”

He put his head down, as if he was almost contemplating what to say. I rolled my eyes and got up from the sofa, yet again putting a hand on my stomach.

“What happened to us?” He finally spoke, the four words clamming up my heart; the tightening feeling returning.

“You said forever and always, you made promises you couldn't keep.” It was almost as if realization hit him in the face as he snapped his head up to look at me, the tears in his eyes.

“I'm sorry.” I could hear the remorse in his voice – I couldn't deal with this now.

“You're not sorry Joe, your just saying that.” I sighed, but felt a tingling sensation in my hands – he had laced his with mine, still looking at me.

“Let go of me Joe, it's over.” I wanted so badly just to wipe the one tear that escaped from my eye – I just wanted to be held, to be loved without any complication.

“It will never be over Katy, we belong together – and I'll make you see that, if that's the last thing I do.” His determined voice threw me off guard slightly.

I felt the guards that Joe had torn down ever so long ago making their way back up slowly, he had broken me to almost nothing – and here I was, protecting my feelings from him again. I should of known he would of left – everybody else did.

“I can't talk about this right now,” I snatched my hand away from him, only to be grabbed by the waist.

Joe's grip tightened as the proximity of being this close made me more than nervous – it was like nothing else mattered, like there was only me and him breathing in the world. His beautiful eyes were a light colour this time – the colour he never had when he was with Cam-shitta.

I stopped breathing as his forehead touched mine softly; his eyes glancing into my eyes – my heart, my soul. The rushed feeling that I got from Joe couldn't compare to Josh's butterfly-less kisses. I knew it wasn't the same, but I didn't have the strength to forgive Joe.

“Joe..” I whispered, getting sucked in again – but I didn't want to move. I didn't want this feeling to end.

It was short-lived as Joe lifted his forehead off mine, pressing his soft lips to my cheek tenderly, and lingering for a few seconds.

I placed my hands on his chest, pulling him away softly as I remembered Josh. I knew how it felt to be cheated on, and I wasn't prepared to go and do that to him, no matter how many feelings I had for Joe.

“I can't do this right now,” I shook my head in dis-belief as Joe nodded solemnly. “Stop trying Joe, what you did was unforgivable. If you had been there for me, maybe we would be together – I warned you, I would be gone.”

“hold on, baby you're losing it,
the water's high, you're jumping into it and letting go.
and no one knows,
that you cry, but you don't tell anyone
that you might not be the golden one,
and you're tied together with a smile,
but you're coming undone.

you're tied together with a smile,
but you're coming undone.

goodbye, baby, with a smile, baby, baby.”