Never Say Always

I walked into central park; my IPod trying to wash away my thoughts; my inappropriate thoughts of Joe and I, the thoughts that were knocked out of my head a year ago.

None of it should matter anymore, I had Josh – I loved Josh. I wanted Josh.

I spotted a lonely bench, and dragged my feet along the muddy footpath – my head spinning from so many unanswered questions. What was he doing here? How dare he come back into my life, how dare he just enter like nothing had happened and just make me fall like that. Who does he think he is, being so sarcastic, being so... arrogant.

I sat down, burying my head in my hands, wanting everything just to go away again. What was wrong with me? I had the perfect career, perfect best friend, amazing boyfriend – why can’t I be happy for myself?

Oh yeah, because Joe’s back; and I still love him.

I almost laughed at the song that came onto my IPod; The Veronicas always knew how to describe my relationship with Joe, and this song – it was more than perfect, it happened to me.

I sang along softly and quietly, regaining my composure slightly before leaning back onto the bench, closing my eyes.

“I saw it in the news
You told me they were wrong
And I stood up for you
'Cause I believed you were the one
You had all the chances in the world
to let me know the truth
what the hell's wrong with you?”

I opened my eyes and seen that familiar face that I had seen many minutes ago, now stood before me - a sheepish look on his face. I turned my IPod down, letting one headphone fall out my ear as I tugged on the wire.

“How’d you find me?” I spoke softly, avoiding his gaze.

“I always find you, no matter where you are.” His voice lowered, sitting on the other side of the bench, too avoiding possible eye contact.

“Why are you here?” Bitterness rung through my voice, my head looking up at the dull; grey clouds surrounding the park.

Great, just what I needed. No jacket – and it’s about to pour down.

“I’m here because I know you better than anybody, beautiful.” I almost winced at the pet name, making a mental note to tell Josh that I officially hated them.

“Don’t call me that, Joe. And who are you to tell me that you know me better than my own boyfriend? I haven’t seen you in three years!” I snapped, getting up from the bench in a fury, hearing the rest of the song in my right ear; soothing me.

“You had all the chances in the world
To let me know the truth
What the hell's wrong with you?

Are you even listening when I talk to you?
Do you even care what I'm going through?
Your eyes stare
And they're staring right through me
You were right there
But it's like you never knew me”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t know you, Katy. You feel this, do you? Explain to me this.” He spoke sharply, grabbing my hand and pulling it to his chest – feeling his fast pumping heart; the touch of him made my fingertips.

“You’re being stupid. That’s nothing. Give me my hand back, Joe. Don’t make me hurt you.” I narrowed my eyes, trying to pull my arm away from him.

He laughed; his vocal chords making his chest vibrate. “Give your hand back? Give me back my heart first.” His eyes turned serious, his sparkle slowly regaining inside them, the shade lightening.

“I never had your heart to begin with, Joseph.” I could see him cower at his formal name as I yanked my hand away from him; stuffing both my hands in my pocket.

I looked at the ground, the last part of the chorus sticking out like a sore thumb, squeezing my eyes shut in fear of the tears that could unexpectedly roll down my cheeks.

“Do you even know how much it hurt
That you gave up on me to be with her?
Revenge is sweeter than you ever were.”

“How could you say that? You’ve always had it, Katy! Are you stupid?!” I almost laughed at his desperate plea, but instead I looked up at him – and scowled.

“If I had your heart, then why didn’t you stay with me?” I questioned, hatred spilling out with every word I spoke.

What an idiot, what makes him think I’d believe him? Seriously!

I clenched both my hands inside my pockets, my anger getting the better of me. I soothed back down as I intently listened to another verse.

“I'm so mad at you right now
That I can't even find the words
And you're on the way down
And I can't wait to see you burn

You tried to make me hate that girl
When I should be hating you
And what the hell's wrong with you?”

“Are we really going through the same conversation we had over two years ago?” He rolled his eyes, and I had to restrain every bone in my body from slapping him. Hard.

“Did I even get a straight answer from you, two years ago? I didn’t think so.” I crossed my arms over my chest, staring him down.

“Nothing can save you now that it's over
I guess that you'll find out when you're no one
Don't say you're sorry now
'Cause I just don't care

Nothing can save you now
Nothing, nothing, can save you now
Nothing”

“Why are you with him?” He questioned, both his eyebrows raised.

“I love him,” I spoke slowly; choosing my words carefully.

“You’re lying. You’re doing that thing with your eye; it twitches when you lie.” He spoke matter-of-factly, a grin coming across his face.

I groaned in annoyance, the least bit flattened by Joe and his desperate ways to try and get me back.

Am I going to have to stick a post-it to his forehead, telling him Idon’t want him?

“Look Joe,” I began; getting ready to let everything out. “What are you trying to achieve? What are you trying to possibly do to me? Because if you’re trying to get me back, don’t even bother. I’m with Josh and unlike you – I plan on staying faithful to him. So will you just leave me alone and never see me again?”

I walked up to him slowly, regaining my composure as he stayed silent – taking in every word I said. I leaned in closer and whispered in his ear, full of sadness.

“Do you even know how much it hurt, Joe? That you gave up on me, on us – to be with her. Nothing can save us now; it’s been over for too long. Goodbye, Joe.” A lump formed in my throat as I blinked the tears away, stepping back in fear from the closeness of us.

I looked at his beautiful, angelic pained face one more time before turning on my heel and walking away slowly, for the second time.