Never Say Always

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I sped walked as fast as I could back to the studio, wanting a pen and paper to hopefully be lying around there somewhere as ideas flooded from my mind.

He had gotten to me again, he had gotten underneath my skin.

I brushed past people hurriedly, my mind desperately wanting to forget, to block out the undiscovered feelings for Joe. Everything was blurred, my heart hurt – my head told my heart to shut up; I was already fed up of the longing feeling, and Joe hadn't been in my life five minutes.

I rushed into the studio, catching a quick glance at the back of Josh's head before darting to the other side of the room, grabbing a pen and a stack of paper, plopping down on a seat – feeling his eyes burning into my face.

“Are you okay?” I heard his tired voice ask whilst I quickly mumbled a 'yes', not bothering to look up from the paper.

It was as if the lyrics were just spitting out of my mouth, everything was clicking together – my feelings being poured out, the long lost emotions; the constant denial – the heartbreak.

“You're everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could have been
But still, you live inside of me, so tell me how is that?

You're the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you're the only one

And though there are times when I hate you
'Cause I can't erase
The times that you hurt me and put tears on my face
And even now, while I hate you, it pains me to say
I know I'll be there at the end of the day

I don't wanna be without you, babe
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take a breath without you, babe
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you, but let me just say
I don't wanna love you in no kind of way,
no no
I don't want a broken heart
I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl
No, no, no
broken-hearted girl

There's something that I feel I need to say
But up till' now I've always been afraid that you would never come around
And still I wanna put this out

You say you've got the most respect for me
But, sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me
And still, you're in my heart
But you're the only one

And yes, there are times when I hate you, but I don't complain
'Cause I've been afraid that you would walk away
Oh, but now I don't hate you
I'm happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don't wanna be without you, babe
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take a breath without you, babe
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you, but let me just say
I don't wanna love you in no kind of way,
no no
I don't want a broken heart
I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl
No, no, no
broken-hearted girl

Now I'm at a place I thought I'd never be, ooh
I'm living in a world that's all about you and me, yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid, my broken heart is free,
To spread my wings and fly away,
Away with you....

I don't wanna be without my baby
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take a breath without my baby
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you, but let me just say
I don't wanna love you in no kind of way,
no no
I don't want a broken heart
I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl
No, no, no
broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl
No broken-hearted girl.”

“Katy? Are you listening to me?” I heard Josh tap my shoulder lightly, his eyes trying to peer over my lyrics.

I must of gotten a bit carried away.

“Sorry, what did you say?” I mumbled, my bad mood obviously affecting him too – but there was no way I was going to tell Josh about my encounter with Joe.

“Nevermind.” I heard Josh huff, crossing his arms over his chest. Ugh, that was something I learnt to hate about him – the way he crossed his arms like a pathetic four year old child.

“Will you just stop being a kid for two seconds and just tell me?” I rolled my eyes as he got up from the seat on the other side of the room, casually standing up.

“When are you ever gonna tell me about your past?” He looked at me intently, my breath being taken away.

That had hit a raw nerve, nobody hasn't asked about my past since, well... Joe. I felt my heart tighten at the thought of his name – the time it took to open up to Joe about my past; how accepting he was of me, but I wasn't ready for this kind of commitment yet.

At least not with Josh anyway, it had only been a year and I didn't trust him that much.

“Josh I--” I squeezed my eyes shut, becoming annoyed with myself. Why couldn't I open up to him? The barrier that Joe spent so little breaking down, had now re guarded itself again. I sighed, shaking my head at the thought of saying the very same words again, but this time – to Josh.

“Even after a year? I give you time, I give you love – and you still can't open up to me?” He spoke louder, his anger getting the better of him – his British accent thick.

“I.. I just find it hard, Josh. You gotta understand.” I practically begged – not wanting to lose him.

Truth was, I did want to lose him. I knew I didn't love him – I knew that he tried giving me everything that I wanted, but there wasn't any use. He was there at the time when I needed somebody, and here I am today – stuck in such a mess.

“I'm tired of understanding! Do you know what happens every time I ask you something about your past? You clam up, you tell me I need to understand. Well I'm done with it, Katy. I don't wanna be messed around any more – so call me when you feel like chatting.” He gave me a swift kiss on the cheek, and walking out the studio.

Me myself and I, yet again – well done Katy, good fucking job.

I knew the real reason behind not opening up to Josh. I simply couldn't trust again – I couldn't manage the fact of being let down by somebody one more time. My heart was still healing – my heartbreak wasn't over, the pain was still there; lingering my every thought.

I looked down at my newly written lyrics again, and sighed – the tears forcing their way out my eyes slowly, everything slowly being let out – the park incident, seeing Joe again; Josh walking out – everything was just messed up, and I knew the reason why.

Because when you love someone, when you truly love someone, that person automatically becomes a part of you, they become your life, your everything. They change you and they inspire you in so many different ways that are indescribable. But how do you let go of someone who has made such an impact on your life? How do you let go of the only thing that keeps you going, keeps you strong?

Loving someone with all you have is letting go of fear, it is part of growing up. Because when you love someone whole – heartedly, you let go of yourself – 'to live is to love' – so how do you let go of someone who you truly care about? The truth is... I don't think you can.

I think that no matter what happens, whether you are together or not, they are going to be in your heart.

Always.