Steer.

Laid back in the passenger seat of his car, I was almost asleep when he was shaking me awake.

“Mm?”

“C'mon, we're at a service station. Get up, J.”

“But Kristian-”

“We haven't eaten in two days, Jonne. Come on.”

Reluctantly, I pulled myself up and out of the car, running a hand through my blonde locks that hadn't been washed in a week.

I wasn't hungry, but I ordered a cheeseburger anyway.

He went to the soda machine to fill up the cups, smiling when he realized my eyes were glued to him.

Kristian's smile was a bit of a rarity nowadays. Since his bust-up with everyone, I was really the only one left for him to turn to.

And of course, that made me the spawn of Satan in their eyes.

He'd told his mother and brother first. They... screamed. His brother was quieter, but more... sharp with his words.

I knew how much that hurt him.

We expected the others to be different, but really... they just weren't vocal about it. Neither of us had spoken to Jack or Sammy since we told them, and it's the same with everyone else. With the exception of Lauri, of course; he always called twice a week to check up on me.

Then... came the worst. The rent was due to go up as it was, and the family who owned our apartment building evicted us because they had a second-cousin who wanted our place. We ended up in a dingy little building for a couple of months, until the both of us decided that it wasn't worth it.

All we had was each other, and we knew soon enough that would be gone too. Perhaps not by choice, but it would die.

So we got in the car a week ago, throwing all our essentials in the trunk and driving. Nowhere in particular, just... moving. We thought that maybe if we got away from it all that we may be able to come back and it'd all be okay again.

A childish fantasy, yes.

Sometimes, I wished that they'd understood. They would say it was stupid to think that, that I should be wishing that Kristian was different. But no matter what he did, who he knew, what he took... I could never wish for him to be any different.

They told me I was stupid, that he was manipulating me, brainwashing me, making me do things I didn't want to do. But it was my decision to take it; I was fully sober and healthy, I made a legitimate choice to sit by the coffee table with him with two notes and four lines of white powder.

I made the choice. I made the choices that followed and the ones before it, just as I made that one.

“Kulta?” His voice snapped me from the daze I'd not known I was in.

“Mm, yeah?”

“You need to piss or anything, because...?”

“Oh, no. We can go.”

Sliding back into the passenger seat, I held the paper bag full of take-away food while he got in the other side.

“Where are we going now?”

He touched his nose briefly before clicking his seatbelt on. “Well, I think there's a turn-off a few miles up the road... there were these two chicks in there going on about how they'd just been camping up there.”

“Is it a forest?”

“I think so.”

“Do you want to eat now, or...?”

“We'll get out of the lights first.”

I nodded. One of Kristian's many oddities was, if he was eating in the car at night, he always had to be out of the light.

We drove five minutes up the desolate road before he pulled over to the shoulder and flicked on the inside light.

“Cheeseburger and... did you get the medium or the large?”

“Medium.”

He handed me my food before taking out his own. Our simple dinner was silent, except for the sounds from the car's CD player.

We finished, and started moving again.

“How far is it, exactly?” I asked him, referring to this place he'd heard the girls talking about.

“An hour away, I believe.”

“Oh.” My face fell, because I was hoping it was closer.

“Oh, we'll be fine,” he assured. “Pull out the CD case, find something.”

I opened the glove-box, pulling out his old pink vinyl CD case. Every CD he owned had it's place in this folder-like thing.

I slid a burned mix CD into the player, labeled 'K + J Mix'.

I put my feet on the dashboard as the sound of Guns & Roses filled the car.

I smiled a little, knowing that this song was his song for me. He always put it on if I'd been away and he was missing me, or vice versa.

Given the chance, I would have dozed off then and there; fallen asleep listening to Kristian's fingers drumming the steering wheel and the faint sound of his voice against the song.

“Kulta?”

“Mm?”

“Could you pass me a beer, love?”

“Kris, you're driving,” I whined.

“It's only one, enkeli. I know my limits.”

“Mm, you're an asshole,” I mumbled, unclicking my seatbelt and rolling around to fish around the backseat for the six pack.

I curled up in my seat again, putting the bottle in the cup holder. He offered me one of his pink cigarettes, which I shrugged at and took.

“You alright, kulta?”

“Yeah, why?”

“You haven't been yourself, that's all.”

“I guess... it's just so different now.”

“It is?”

“Yeah... I mean, look at us, Kris. We've been gone a week, just the two of us, and nobody's even called to check if we're alright. I would've though someone, even Jack or Sammy, even...”

“Jonne, stop.”

“Stop what?”

“Kulta... I don't want to be blunt. I don't want you to get upset, but it's the blatant truth.”

“What is?”

“They don't care about us anymore. They could care less if we never came back, they wouldn't give a fuck if we fell off a bridge or found a cabin in the woods and made it home, never to be heard from again. They abandoned me first, you saw that... you saw Lauri when I told him, didn't you? And Antti? When you... when you did what you did, they did it to you too.”

“Kristian-”

“Jonne... enkeli... They're not coming for us. They're not going to call, they're not going to send anyone to find us. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they've let Spit have the apartment yet.”

I sniffed a little, not wanting him to see how much that really hit me. I wanted my denial, I wanted my hope or belief or whatever it was. But Kristian's words... they hit home. Kristian never lied to me.

“Pass me a jacket or something, yeah?” I asked him, shivering a little.

He pulled one of my longer white jackets from behind my seat, throwing it over me. I curled up, my feet on the seat and my head against the window, praying that when I woke up we'd be in the forest... praying we'd be safe. I hoped he'd had the mind to get some stuff at the last town, because last I'd checked, we were nearly out.

+

“Jonne.”

“Mmh.”

“Kulta, c'mon. We're here.”

“Are we?”

“Yeah.”

“Why is the car still running, Kris?”

“Because it's too fucking cold to turn it off.”

I moved around in my seat, sitting up and looking at him. Since I'd fallen asleep, he'd thrown on an extra hoodie and jacket, as well as a pair of strikingly pink fingerless gloves.

“Hey, Kris?”

“Mm?” he mumbled, fumbling in his pocket for a lighter.

“Did you get... erm... any stuff at the last city?”

“Stuff like what, love?”

He looked at me, and I raised an eyebrow. “Oh! That stuff. Of course.”

“Where is it?”

“Uh, if you're willing to go out there,” he jabbed his thumb at the window, accidentally hitting it. “There's some shit in the boot.”

“What did you get?”

“Uh, some weed and coke, I think.”

“Alright,” I muttered. “Is it unlocked?”

“Should be.”

Braving the icy wind, I pulled the paper bag out of the trunk and was safely back inside the car within moments.

“Fuck it's cold.”

“Oh, no. You don't say?”

“Stop being a jackass.”

“Pft,” he scoffed. “Want to sit in the backseat?”

“Why?”

“Because that way, we can lay out as much we like,” Kristian said, smiling as if he were the most intelligent person on the face of the earth.

“Erm, we can sit in here, Kris.”

“Please, Jonne? It's cold, and I'm cold, and I want to snuggle up with you and I can't because of this fucking thing right here,” he complained, gesturing to the stick-shift and all it's little buddies.

“Ugh. Fine.”

I crawled into the backseat, picking up another jacket off the floor and throwing it around me. Kristian came through after me, huddling in close as he opened the paper bag.

“Fuck.”

“What?”

“We got nothing to put it on.”

I thought for a moment, thinking of what we could use as a makeshift table. “Did we get a drink tray?” I asked, scrunching my nose.

“...And this is just one of the reasons why I love you.”

“What is?”

“I think it's down on the floor on my side.”

I crawled back through, fishing around under the seat for the cardboard tray.

“Nice ass.”

“Fuck off.”

“I'd rather fuck you,” he muttered. I didn't have to look to know he was smirking.

I rolled back into the backseat, holding the little box up triumphantly. “Don't go getting boners now, Kris.”

“Why?”

“Because I said so. I don't want to fuck right now.”

“But Jonne...”

“Kristian, seriously. Maybe later, okay?”

He flopped back into his seat, huffing. “Fine.”

“Could you... uh... get it ready?”

“Enkeli, how long has it been, now?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I know, I know... please?”

He took the cup tray from my hands, starting to set out the drugs on it.

I didn't want to do it myself because I didn't like to believe I was capable of it.

He set it all up, rolling a joint and handing it to me.

“Lighter?”

“Fuck... erm, try the dashboard.”

Sure enough, there was a bright purple lighter sitting in the little alcove where all the speedometers and dials were.

I lit up, leaning into the inside of the car door and putting my feet up on the seat. It always started this way, with just the weed. It'd go on for a little while... kind of like anesthesia. Numbing us off before the real shit went down.

Or rather, up. Up our noses and into our heads and oh fuck.

It was like heaven. Heaven without the fucking sinning and purity and angels and bullshit they all talked about when we were kids in the Sunday school my grandma always made us go to.

I'd done one line when I felt him nuzzling into the side of my neck.

“Jon-ne...”

“What?”

“I want you. Please?”

“Kris...”

“Please, Jonne? I really really really want you.”

He started nibbling lightly at my skin, pawing at my shirt. He knew I wouldn't say no now... he always knew. Kristian knew me like a book he'd read a thousand times... he knew me like he knew his own reflection.

“Mm, don't be a whore,” I mumbled.

“What?”

“Whores don't kiss on the mouth.”

“You calling me a whore?”

“Not if you kiss me.”

+

The radio said it was two in the morning.

Two. Two in the motherfucking morning.

Since we left Tampere, Kristian and I hadn't been sleeping at all. Two in the morning, a week ago, would have been a god-awful time to be awake. Unholy. Now it was like being up at six in the evening; totally normal and inexcusable unless one of us was sick.

It was two in the morning, and we were sprawled out in the backseat, both of us covered in a thin film of sweat.

“You're fucking amazing, Jonne... you know that?” Kristian sighed, lighting up yet another one of his pink cigarettes, offering it to me. I took it from his fingers, as he lit up a second one for himself.

“You may have mentioned it once or twice,” I smiled, taking a drag and leaning over to kiss him again, the taste dancing between our mouths.

“Fuck... I must say it more.”

I giggled.

“Why are we here, Kris?” I asked, settling my head on his bare thigh with the smoke between my lips.

“Why are we where?”

“Here, on the cliff.”

“...I don't know. Because it looks nice up here?”

I stayed quiet for a minute, throwing thoughts around my awfully clouded head.

“I want to drive off,” I mumbled, sniffing a little.

It had been a hard life, especially of late, for Kristian and I. From the moment we told his mother about his problems, it had taken a wrong turn. Maybe it was a mistake, telling the ones we thought we could trust, those we thought would help us through it. In another way, maybe it was right. Maybe it was part of some fucked up plan of some higher being nether of us cared to know existed. I couldn't help but think this was where it was supposed to end.

“Drive off to where?” he asked, raising an eyebrow questioningly.

“Drive off the edge.”

He looked at me, but it was impossible to tell what he was thinking.

“I want to finish it here, Kris. I think... I want to think that this is where it has to. I mean, if we ever go back, there's nobody. And after one of us goes, what's going to happen?”

“...Shall we dress first?”

I nodded, not particularly wanting to be found fucking naked at the bottom of a cliff. I liked my dignity.

Throwing our clothes on, we climbed back into the front seat, just as we had been before.

He threw the car into reverse, going backwards and turning around so he had straight aim.

I turned up the volume on the CD player, becoming only slightly uncomfortable in the silence.

I knew it was right when I heard the opening notes of Don't Fear The Reaper fill the car. I always liked this version better; it fit so much better than the original. It was perfect, I decided.

Kristian's hand touched mine before he jammed the car into drive, then held on to me like a vice.

“Shall we dance, my darling?” he smiled. I smiled back at him, remembering those were the first words he'd ever said to me, way back three years ago in some dingy rock club in Tampere.

“Of course, dear Kristian.”

He slammed his foot on the accelerator, leaning over the middle console and crashing our lips together.

“I love you,” I whispered, feeling the car sail off the edge of the cliff.

“Forever, my enkeli.”