With Me
With Me
I don't want this moment
To ever end
Where everything's nothing, without you
I'd wait here forever just to,
To see you smile
'Cause it's true
I am nothing without you
Do you know how beautiful you are when you sleep? Your pale skin seems almost radiant in the soft light of the moon that filters through the curtains. Flawless, it smoothes over the contours of your face, rounding your cheekbones and drawing into long eyelashes which flutter slightly where they touch your cheek. Your vibrant green eyes are hidden by your lids, but the rosy colouring of your lips adds all the colour that your face needs. They’re parted slightly, the harshness of the two metal loops lost in the natural beauty of such perfection. Your dark hair is messy with sleep and cuts across your forehead to further hide your eyes, but it gives you a youthful, rugged appearance which couldn’t suit you more rightly.
I stare at you, utterly captivated, fighting back the urge to smooth down your hair or cup your cheek in my hand, for I know that if I touch you, you’ll awake from your slumber and I want this moment to last just that little bit longer.
You could never look unattractive. Whether you’re awake or asleep, tired or alive, smiling or crying: you always manage to look stunning, but I love to watch you sleep. I could stare at you for hours, just taking in your beauty and admiring the serenity that holds you as you dream.
I’m craving your most endearing feature, your smile, but for now I am content to wait until morning. I couldn’t bear to pull you from your sleep simply to satisfy my desires.
From now on, you come before me. You come first in every aspect of my life, because I am nothing without you, Zacky.
Through it all
I've made my mistakes
I stumble and fall
But I mean these words
I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for what I did to you. I never intended to hurt you. I love you so much it hurts. I never, ever wanted to upset you.
You could never know how much I hate myself for what I did. I fully understood your anger and I could never blame you for not wanting to be with me. You had every right to be bitter towards me and make my life a living hell for the past 2 months, but your hate and disappointment in me could never even come close to my own.
I was so stupid, Zacky. I realized that, almost as soon as you found out. It didn’t even mean anything. She was just there and I was simply wasted. I had no idea what I was doing, and I can assure you of that because if I had, I wouldn’t even have looked at her.
I hate myself for what I did. The hurt that your face displayed sobered me instantly. At the sight of your face, I looked from you to the girl lying beneath me then back up at you as my heart began to hammer in my chest at the realization of what I’d done. I pulled away from her and walked over to you but you backed away, your face distraught and your voice sounding small and shaky as you asked “How could you?”. I tried to reason with you but your voice took on a warning tone as you cut me off, telling me to stay away from you, before you ran from the room. I watched you go, completely dumbstruck as I finally began to comprehend the full extent of my actions.
My world came crashing down around me that night and I fell with it.
I want you to know
With everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold onto this moment you know
As I'll bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go
I just want you to know that I love you. You will always have a piece of me because I can’t feel whole without you.
I want to be here for you. I want to be able to protect you from harm and hold you close when you’re in need of comfort. I want you to be able to trust me with your heart and your life. I want to be to you, what you are to me: everything.
I want this to last forever. I never want what we have to end because I don’t think I can function without you. I know I don’t deserve you but I love you more than I could ever express and I want to be everything that you require.
Thoughts read unspoken
Forever in vow
And pieces of memories
Fall to the ground
I know what I didn't have so
I won't let this go
'Cause it's true
I am nothing without you
You didn’t need to tell me that it was over. It was clear to me as soon as I saw you the following morning that I wasn’t welcome near you. You’re professional- I knew you’d tolerate me for the sake of the band- but beyond that I meant nothing to you.
Or at least, I meant nothing to you on the surface. Anger burned in your eyes and you’d leave a room as soon as I entered if no-one else was present. You stopped speaking to me away from practices and took to rooming with Johnny in hotels, but deep down- if I looked past the fire blazing in your pupils- I could see that you were hurt, more so than you had been on the night you caught me.
Your anger was merely a façade to hide the pain that tormented you, courtesy of my bastard tendencies. In cheating on you, I’d hurt you far more than your pride would let you show.
You still had feelings for me. Those emerald pools are windows to your soul and through them I could see you longing to be with me, to kiss me and have back the relationship which we had, just days before, reveled in.
But you were scared, terrified of letting me back in only to have me stab your heart again. I could see you looking at me every so often, attempting to suppress the longing that burned within your body. Your head was winning over your heart; the positive memories that you yearned to recreate were cracking in your mind as your brain reminded you why following the organ beating within your chest could only lead to further heartache. I could see your heart drop under the weight of such a realization as it solidified and concreted itself deep within you; your hopes fell with the pieces of those memories as the cracks lengthened.
Seeing you like that nearly killed me. A sickness settled deep within my stomach which I found to be impossible to be ridded of. Nothing would cure me of its bitter laughing as my chest tightened with regret for what I did to you. It mocked me as I began to realize just what I’d lost. Memories of our time together plagued my mind, haunting my dreams and making me cry out in agony when I lay alone at night.
As you cold shouldered me more and more, I became more and more aware of everything that I’d thrown away. I watched you and Jimmy stumble drunkenly into one another as we returned from nights out and it reminded me of how we had previously done the same, giggling as we fell to the ground and just laying there unable to stand back up. I watched you as you stood over Johnny, rubbing his back in a gesture of comfort as he retched into the toilet bowl following a heavy night of drinking and I felt an intense jealously swell within me as I missed the tenderness with which you used to do the same to me. I watched you and Matt as you sat on grassy verges during truck stops, just talking and smiling as you looked through the pictures on Matt’s camera, instilling a sense of envy in me as I recalled the way that we used to spend time together.
All around me, I could see you doing things with others that you had previously done with me, and it hurt. It hurt to know that I had torn apart everything that we had had. It hurt me to see others enjoying your company the same way I had, so jealous was I of the fact that they could do it and I couldn’t. More than that though, it hurt to see you doing those things with only skin deep emotions. Your eyes no longer shone and the bounce in your step had all but disappeared. You tried so hard to hide your real feelings behind that tough demeanor but knowing you as I do, I noticed the reluctance with which you dragged yourself around and the way that you would drink more when we went out. I hated to see you lowering yourself to that.
I realized all over again the degree to which you were the most amazing thing in my life. I am nothing without you, Zacky. I hope you realize that because at the very least, you deserve to know what you mean to me.
All the streets,
Where I walked alone
With nowhere to go
Have come to an end
The past two months have been torturous. I deserved it all and for that reason have not complained, but I can’t deny how much it means to me to have you back.
The things that we’ve experienced have been virtually meaningless to me without you by my side. Our shows have felt so static, dull without our interaction. Interviews have felt like long lies as we tell of a friendship that barely even exists. I couldn’t even find any interest in writing new material, a result of my main source of inspiration falling from my fingers.
With no change in your attitude towards me, I could see us falling so far away from each other that we would never regain the distance. Our future together looked bleak but my own future seemed blacker still. I could imagine you moving on with your life, finding someone new and putting the bastard that is Synyster Gates behind you to be forgotten about, but I could not move on. You are the only one for me and without you, I have nothing. I could see my life spiraling out of control and began to resign myself to the fate which I knew I deserved.
But you came back to me. I found you crying in the bathroom after a show a few days ago and, whilst I didn’t think you’d appreciate me being there, I couldn’t just leave you. I sat down next to you and, to my surprise, you leant your head against my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around you and asked what was wrong. You uttered three simple words which I hadn’t expected to hear. “I miss you, too,” I echoed, squeezing you to my body.
Your revelation left me feeling light-headed as my thoughts reeled in my skull. I wanted you back so much but I didn’t want to push you too far. I didn’t have to, though. You connected your lips to mine and told me you wanted me back. I responded by returning your kiss.
We sat like that until Jimmy came in search of us, ushering us in the direction of the waiting bus. We stood and linked hands, walking back to the bus in silence as Jimmy followed, a relieved smile on his face. I guess the others had realized that something was up…
We spent the journey together, you lying on me breathing in the clean scent of my t-shirt whilst I toyed with your hair. Still we said nothing, but we didn’t need to. We both knew that we were together once again, we both knew that I would work to stay faithful to you this time and we both knew what you would do to me if I ever repeated my mistake. We were close enough that those conclusions could be reached without the need for speech.
I want you to know
With everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold onto this moment you know
As I'll bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go
I want you to know, more than anything, that I love you. You will always have a piece of me because I can’t feel whole without you.
I will be here for you. I will protect you from harm and hold you close when you’re in need of comfort. You will be able to trust me with your heart and your life.
I will do everything in my power to make this last forever. I never want what we have to end because we’re so right for each other. You deserve so much more than me and there’s no way that I deserve you, but we have this amazing connection which no-one else can replicate. We fit together like jigsaw pieces and if you’re willing to hold on to me, then I’m more than willing to sculpt myself into the man that you deserve to have loving you.
In front of your eyes
It falls from the skies
When you don't know what you're looking to find
In front of your eyes
It falls from the skies
When you just never know what you will find
(What you will find)
I can still remember the first time we met. The connection between us was no more and no less than those which you had with the others, but we got on well and seemed to click. You knew you were gay, but I still believed myself to be straight and didn’t find myself drawn to you as anything other than friends. That was until a few years ago when I found myself falling head over heels for you.
I fell hard and I fell fast. I’m not sure when you realized your feelings for me, but once I’d realized that I liked you, you didn’t have to wait long to have me holding you in my arms.
I had known you for years at that point and I couldn’t believe that I’d never had romantic feelings towards you before. I had missed out on so much! All those years we had been so close and yet we had never been close enough. I could have kicked myself for not falling for you sooner. I was so jealous of the people that you had honored with your partnership during those years.
When Matt first introduced us in the dingy confines of his parents’ garage, I never suspected that a few years down the line we would be together as more than friends. It became clear that we were well suited to one another, but our falling in love came completely out of the blue.
I don't want this moment
To ever end
Where everything's nothing, without you
I swear to God, Zacky- if our relationship comes to an end again, so does my life because I know now that I can’t function without you. You consume my every thought and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I sit alone when you’re busy elsewhere and I swear I can feel my heart dying. You make me feel amazing in ways that no-one else can and I love you for it.
I want you to know
With everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold onto this moment you know
As I'll bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go
“Brian?” You ask, opening your eyes and gazing sleepily at me.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you…” I whisper, retracting my hand from where it had begun to stroke your soft, dark hair.
“Why aren’t you asleep?” You yawn.
“I was watching you sleep… and thinking…”
“About what?” You roll over to face me and rest your palm against my cheek. I lean my head into your touch and smile down at your soft features and caring eyes.
“About you. About me. About us.” I tell you. “I love you Zacky. I love you more than you could ever know and if there’s one thing that I want you to know, it’s that.”
“I know, Bri. That’s why I’m back with you.” Moving your face so that it is closer to mine, you extend your neck and place a delicate kiss to my lips. I slide my arm over your waist and your gentle voice reminds me, “I love you just as much.”
Your exhaustion returning, your eyelids begin to flutter. Touching my lips to yours once more, I begin to sing to you, my voice so soft that I can barely hear it myself, but I know from your smile that you’ve heard every single word.
I want you to know
With everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold onto this moment you know
As I'll bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go
To ever end
Where everything's nothing, without you
I'd wait here forever just to,
To see you smile
'Cause it's true
I am nothing without you
Do you know how beautiful you are when you sleep? Your pale skin seems almost radiant in the soft light of the moon that filters through the curtains. Flawless, it smoothes over the contours of your face, rounding your cheekbones and drawing into long eyelashes which flutter slightly where they touch your cheek. Your vibrant green eyes are hidden by your lids, but the rosy colouring of your lips adds all the colour that your face needs. They’re parted slightly, the harshness of the two metal loops lost in the natural beauty of such perfection. Your dark hair is messy with sleep and cuts across your forehead to further hide your eyes, but it gives you a youthful, rugged appearance which couldn’t suit you more rightly.
I stare at you, utterly captivated, fighting back the urge to smooth down your hair or cup your cheek in my hand, for I know that if I touch you, you’ll awake from your slumber and I want this moment to last just that little bit longer.
You could never look unattractive. Whether you’re awake or asleep, tired or alive, smiling or crying: you always manage to look stunning, but I love to watch you sleep. I could stare at you for hours, just taking in your beauty and admiring the serenity that holds you as you dream.
I’m craving your most endearing feature, your smile, but for now I am content to wait until morning. I couldn’t bear to pull you from your sleep simply to satisfy my desires.
From now on, you come before me. You come first in every aspect of my life, because I am nothing without you, Zacky.
Through it all
I've made my mistakes
I stumble and fall
But I mean these words
I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for what I did to you. I never intended to hurt you. I love you so much it hurts. I never, ever wanted to upset you.
You could never know how much I hate myself for what I did. I fully understood your anger and I could never blame you for not wanting to be with me. You had every right to be bitter towards me and make my life a living hell for the past 2 months, but your hate and disappointment in me could never even come close to my own.
I was so stupid, Zacky. I realized that, almost as soon as you found out. It didn’t even mean anything. She was just there and I was simply wasted. I had no idea what I was doing, and I can assure you of that because if I had, I wouldn’t even have looked at her.
I hate myself for what I did. The hurt that your face displayed sobered me instantly. At the sight of your face, I looked from you to the girl lying beneath me then back up at you as my heart began to hammer in my chest at the realization of what I’d done. I pulled away from her and walked over to you but you backed away, your face distraught and your voice sounding small and shaky as you asked “How could you?”. I tried to reason with you but your voice took on a warning tone as you cut me off, telling me to stay away from you, before you ran from the room. I watched you go, completely dumbstruck as I finally began to comprehend the full extent of my actions.
My world came crashing down around me that night and I fell with it.
I want you to know
With everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold onto this moment you know
As I'll bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go
I just want you to know that I love you. You will always have a piece of me because I can’t feel whole without you.
I want to be here for you. I want to be able to protect you from harm and hold you close when you’re in need of comfort. I want you to be able to trust me with your heart and your life. I want to be to you, what you are to me: everything.
I want this to last forever. I never want what we have to end because I don’t think I can function without you. I know I don’t deserve you but I love you more than I could ever express and I want to be everything that you require.
Thoughts read unspoken
Forever in vow
And pieces of memories
Fall to the ground
I know what I didn't have so
I won't let this go
'Cause it's true
I am nothing without you
You didn’t need to tell me that it was over. It was clear to me as soon as I saw you the following morning that I wasn’t welcome near you. You’re professional- I knew you’d tolerate me for the sake of the band- but beyond that I meant nothing to you.
Or at least, I meant nothing to you on the surface. Anger burned in your eyes and you’d leave a room as soon as I entered if no-one else was present. You stopped speaking to me away from practices and took to rooming with Johnny in hotels, but deep down- if I looked past the fire blazing in your pupils- I could see that you were hurt, more so than you had been on the night you caught me.
Your anger was merely a façade to hide the pain that tormented you, courtesy of my bastard tendencies. In cheating on you, I’d hurt you far more than your pride would let you show.
You still had feelings for me. Those emerald pools are windows to your soul and through them I could see you longing to be with me, to kiss me and have back the relationship which we had, just days before, reveled in.
But you were scared, terrified of letting me back in only to have me stab your heart again. I could see you looking at me every so often, attempting to suppress the longing that burned within your body. Your head was winning over your heart; the positive memories that you yearned to recreate were cracking in your mind as your brain reminded you why following the organ beating within your chest could only lead to further heartache. I could see your heart drop under the weight of such a realization as it solidified and concreted itself deep within you; your hopes fell with the pieces of those memories as the cracks lengthened.
Seeing you like that nearly killed me. A sickness settled deep within my stomach which I found to be impossible to be ridded of. Nothing would cure me of its bitter laughing as my chest tightened with regret for what I did to you. It mocked me as I began to realize just what I’d lost. Memories of our time together plagued my mind, haunting my dreams and making me cry out in agony when I lay alone at night.
As you cold shouldered me more and more, I became more and more aware of everything that I’d thrown away. I watched you and Jimmy stumble drunkenly into one another as we returned from nights out and it reminded me of how we had previously done the same, giggling as we fell to the ground and just laying there unable to stand back up. I watched you as you stood over Johnny, rubbing his back in a gesture of comfort as he retched into the toilet bowl following a heavy night of drinking and I felt an intense jealously swell within me as I missed the tenderness with which you used to do the same to me. I watched you and Matt as you sat on grassy verges during truck stops, just talking and smiling as you looked through the pictures on Matt’s camera, instilling a sense of envy in me as I recalled the way that we used to spend time together.
All around me, I could see you doing things with others that you had previously done with me, and it hurt. It hurt to know that I had torn apart everything that we had had. It hurt me to see others enjoying your company the same way I had, so jealous was I of the fact that they could do it and I couldn’t. More than that though, it hurt to see you doing those things with only skin deep emotions. Your eyes no longer shone and the bounce in your step had all but disappeared. You tried so hard to hide your real feelings behind that tough demeanor but knowing you as I do, I noticed the reluctance with which you dragged yourself around and the way that you would drink more when we went out. I hated to see you lowering yourself to that.
I realized all over again the degree to which you were the most amazing thing in my life. I am nothing without you, Zacky. I hope you realize that because at the very least, you deserve to know what you mean to me.
All the streets,
Where I walked alone
With nowhere to go
Have come to an end
The past two months have been torturous. I deserved it all and for that reason have not complained, but I can’t deny how much it means to me to have you back.
The things that we’ve experienced have been virtually meaningless to me without you by my side. Our shows have felt so static, dull without our interaction. Interviews have felt like long lies as we tell of a friendship that barely even exists. I couldn’t even find any interest in writing new material, a result of my main source of inspiration falling from my fingers.
With no change in your attitude towards me, I could see us falling so far away from each other that we would never regain the distance. Our future together looked bleak but my own future seemed blacker still. I could imagine you moving on with your life, finding someone new and putting the bastard that is Synyster Gates behind you to be forgotten about, but I could not move on. You are the only one for me and without you, I have nothing. I could see my life spiraling out of control and began to resign myself to the fate which I knew I deserved.
But you came back to me. I found you crying in the bathroom after a show a few days ago and, whilst I didn’t think you’d appreciate me being there, I couldn’t just leave you. I sat down next to you and, to my surprise, you leant your head against my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around you and asked what was wrong. You uttered three simple words which I hadn’t expected to hear. “I miss you, too,” I echoed, squeezing you to my body.
Your revelation left me feeling light-headed as my thoughts reeled in my skull. I wanted you back so much but I didn’t want to push you too far. I didn’t have to, though. You connected your lips to mine and told me you wanted me back. I responded by returning your kiss.
We sat like that until Jimmy came in search of us, ushering us in the direction of the waiting bus. We stood and linked hands, walking back to the bus in silence as Jimmy followed, a relieved smile on his face. I guess the others had realized that something was up…
We spent the journey together, you lying on me breathing in the clean scent of my t-shirt whilst I toyed with your hair. Still we said nothing, but we didn’t need to. We both knew that we were together once again, we both knew that I would work to stay faithful to you this time and we both knew what you would do to me if I ever repeated my mistake. We were close enough that those conclusions could be reached without the need for speech.
I want you to know
With everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold onto this moment you know
As I'll bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go
I want you to know, more than anything, that I love you. You will always have a piece of me because I can’t feel whole without you.
I will be here for you. I will protect you from harm and hold you close when you’re in need of comfort. You will be able to trust me with your heart and your life.
I will do everything in my power to make this last forever. I never want what we have to end because we’re so right for each other. You deserve so much more than me and there’s no way that I deserve you, but we have this amazing connection which no-one else can replicate. We fit together like jigsaw pieces and if you’re willing to hold on to me, then I’m more than willing to sculpt myself into the man that you deserve to have loving you.
In front of your eyes
It falls from the skies
When you don't know what you're looking to find
In front of your eyes
It falls from the skies
When you just never know what you will find
(What you will find)
I can still remember the first time we met. The connection between us was no more and no less than those which you had with the others, but we got on well and seemed to click. You knew you were gay, but I still believed myself to be straight and didn’t find myself drawn to you as anything other than friends. That was until a few years ago when I found myself falling head over heels for you.
I fell hard and I fell fast. I’m not sure when you realized your feelings for me, but once I’d realized that I liked you, you didn’t have to wait long to have me holding you in my arms.
I had known you for years at that point and I couldn’t believe that I’d never had romantic feelings towards you before. I had missed out on so much! All those years we had been so close and yet we had never been close enough. I could have kicked myself for not falling for you sooner. I was so jealous of the people that you had honored with your partnership during those years.
When Matt first introduced us in the dingy confines of his parents’ garage, I never suspected that a few years down the line we would be together as more than friends. It became clear that we were well suited to one another, but our falling in love came completely out of the blue.
I don't want this moment
To ever end
Where everything's nothing, without you
I swear to God, Zacky- if our relationship comes to an end again, so does my life because I know now that I can’t function without you. You consume my every thought and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I sit alone when you’re busy elsewhere and I swear I can feel my heart dying. You make me feel amazing in ways that no-one else can and I love you for it.
I want you to know
With everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold onto this moment you know
As I'll bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go
“Brian?” You ask, opening your eyes and gazing sleepily at me.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you…” I whisper, retracting my hand from where it had begun to stroke your soft, dark hair.
“Why aren’t you asleep?” You yawn.
“I was watching you sleep… and thinking…”
“About what?” You roll over to face me and rest your palm against my cheek. I lean my head into your touch and smile down at your soft features and caring eyes.
“About you. About me. About us.” I tell you. “I love you Zacky. I love you more than you could ever know and if there’s one thing that I want you to know, it’s that.”
“I know, Bri. That’s why I’m back with you.” Moving your face so that it is closer to mine, you extend your neck and place a delicate kiss to my lips. I slide my arm over your waist and your gentle voice reminds me, “I love you just as much.”
Your exhaustion returning, your eyelids begin to flutter. Touching my lips to yours once more, I begin to sing to you, my voice so soft that I can barely hear it myself, but I know from your smile that you’ve heard every single word.
I want you to know
With everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold onto this moment you know
As I'll bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go
♠ ♠ ♠
The end’s a bit soppy but I quite like how it starts…Thanks for reading.
xxx