All I Want For Christmas

As I reach the school and begin to make my way through the corridors deserted by students who have now begun pre-lunch lessons, I pull my phone from my pocket and send Zacky a message telling him where I am and instructing him to go home and wait for me. He replies almost instantly, a short ‘K, xx’ announcing his agreement, before I turn my phone off and approach the principal’s office.

“Ah, Mr Sullivan…”

I stand and follow him into the office, addressing him with the appropriate level of politeness but nothing more. Back when I used to be a student here, we didn’t get along. I liked him to start with but he showed me little respect as a result of my being in care, and by the time I left a year ago, I had begun to really resent him. As much as I want to glare at him and flick my middle finger in his direction, though, I’m here to resolve this issue with Zack. Being impolite will get us nowhere and certainly wont demonstrate my maturity or ability to be a responsible ‘father-figure’.

“So, you’re Zachary’s guardian now?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Matthew and Brian’s too?” He asks, raising his eyebrow somewhat unkindly. He clearly remembers the four of us hanging out together when I was still here…

“Yes.”

“What a happy family,” he says, a snidely sweet smile resting on his lips. I feel slightly sick…

“I don’t quite know what you mean by that and, frankly, I don’t care to find out. I am missing work to be here so if we could get to the point and resolve the issue, it would be much appreciated.” I offer him a smile that drips as much artificial sweetener as his own.

“Right.” The bastard clears his throat and shuffles a stack of papers at the end of his desk. “Well… As I said on the phone, Zachary walked out of his chemistry lesson…”

“Yes, and his teacher sent him here, correct?”

“Yes.”

“Have you spoken to the teacher?”

“Yes. Mrs Mulhern came to see me at the end of the lesson.”

“So what happened?”

“Zachary walked out of the-”

“Yes, we already established that.” Man, is he winding me up! “Zacky’s not a bad kid. As I’m sure you’re aware, he spends very little time in trouble… He wouldn’t have walked out without reason… Did something happen? Was something said?”

“Well, that’s another thing… Mrs Mulhern had reason to believe that he was inebriated….”

“Did she say that to him?” I ask incredulously.

“Yes, I think so…”

“Well, there you go then! Zacky doesn’t drink. He’s been through some terrible experiences with people who have drug and alcohol dependencies and swore to himself many years ago that he would never try either.”

The principal takes a deep breath, clearly annoyed by this little piece of reality. “Are you able to say for certain that he’s not drunk?”

“Yes!” This guy really does not understand…

“Mrs Mulhern said that he seemed to have very heavy eyelids…”

“His left eye is swollen shut at the minute. One of his friends hit him…”

“That- That may explain it…”

“Yes, you’ll probably find that it does.”

“And then there’s the fact that he walked out of the office when I was on the phone to you…”

“Yes. I fully appreciate that that needs to be addressed…”

“Has he contacted you?”

“Well, I contacted him…”

“Do you know where he is?”

“He should be at home… Do you want him back at school this afternoon?”

“No, he needn’t bother. I want him back tomorrow, though.”

“Of course. What about punishments? I understand that this can’t go unnoticed but in light of the fact that he was provoked, I can only ask that you aren’t too harsh with him…” I say, hoping that I can appeal to a better nature that I’ve not encountered before.

“I am going to be very generous and say that he gets away with just a warning, but if he does anything like this again, I will give him detention… I understand that things are hard for you all, but that’s not an excuse for misbehaving.”

Jesus! Could he be any more patronising? ‘You all’? Condescending twat!

“I am well aware of that,” I say, my voice flat to keep myself from snapping unceremoniously at his head. “Now, is there anything else?”

“Erm… No, I think that’s all.”

“I’ll be going then. I will speak to Zacky, though I doubt he’ll be too much of a problem if the teachers can keep their suspicions to themselves in future…”

“I’ll- I’ll have a word…”

“Thank you, that is much appreciated.” And with that I take my leave, our business complete. Zacky had damn well better not be too much of a problem in the future! I can’t be dealing with this guy on a regular basis…

~*~

“Zack?” I call as I walk into the flat and close the door behind me.

“I’m- I’m just coming…” he calls back, his voice muffled.

I walk into the living area, dropping my jacket on to the arm of the couch, then turning to find Zacky lingering in the doorway. My heart sinks as I look at him… He’s been crying: the make-up that he used to conceal the bruise now streaked down his face and the whites of his eyes reddened with tears.

“Are you okay?” I ask, moving towards him. He looks up at me then drops his gaze as his eyes begin to swim and shakes his head. “Oh, Zee!”

He bursts in to tears, collapsing into my arms as I pull him into a hug.

“I’m so sorry.”

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”

“I walked out of my fucking lesson!” He sobs. “God, you must be so pissed off at me for dragging you out of work. I’m so fucking sorry, I didn’t-”

“Shhh… Zee, Shhh… I already said you have nothing to be sorry for. I spoke to the principal. He told me what happened. He told me what your teacher said… I’m not pissed off at you… I know you didn’t intend for things to turn out this way and I think you were perfectly justified in reacting the way you did. Just like I wasn’t mad at Brian for hitting you, I’m not mad at you for walking out of your class… These things happen as a result of how you’ve been treated… I couldn’t ever be mad at you for acting on the impulses that your pasts have instilled in you. Am I understood?”

“Yeah… I still feel like a problem, though…”

“You are a problem but you’re my problem and I wouldn’t have you any other way,” I tell him, bowing my head and kissing the top of his. He laughs softly and wriggles his arms free of my hold before snaking them behind me and returning my embrace.

“You deserve more than us…”

I shake my head. “I don’t want more than you… I love you guys to death, mate. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than the day you agreed to move in with me…”

He hugs me harder. “You know we love you back, right?”

“Well, I kinda figured you did…”

Zacky laughs softly against my chest as I squeeze him back. “You’re so good to us… You don’t deserve to have to deal with all our crap…”

“None of you deserve to deal with it, either… I chose to take all of that on when I adopted you. I want to be a part of your lives. I want to be able to be here for you. I care about you all; you’re my best friends. I’m doing this because I want to… Now, drop it, yeah?”

“Okay.”

“Right, I managed to get your principal to let you off with just a warning but he won’t be quite so generous if you pull this stunt again…”

Zacky nods. “Thank you. I’ll try not to let it happen again…”

“I know you will. But if for some reason it does happen again, you’re on your own! I’m not going to speak to that fucker again if I don’t have to!”

“Why do you think I walked off? He kept giving me these fucking smug glances. He doesn’t really like any of us so he’s been looking for a reason to have a fucking go at us…”

“You’re all too good, too well behaved… He never gets the chance to have a go at you and that must really piss him off. He did the same thing to me: waited for me to screw up…”

“He’s a dick.”

“Yup,” I nod. “Look, I need to get back to work… Are you gonna be alright on your own?”

“Erm… Jim, can I come with you?”

“You wanna come with me?” I ask curiously.

“Yeah… Well, only if that’s okay with you…”

I grin. “Yeah, why not. As long as you don’t get in the way…”

“I’ll try not to… Are you sure that would be okay?”

“Yeah, I think you’ll enjoy it and I’m sure Sean would like to meet you…”

“Really?” He sounds surprised.

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t he want to meet the reason that I’m not at work?” I reply, trying to keep my face straight.

“Oh, ha ha!”

I grin. “Seriously, though, I think he would like to meet you… I’ve talked about you a lot- I’m sure he’d like to put a face to the name…”

“He won’t mind me being there?”

“Nah, as long as you keep out of the way, I’m sure he’ll be okay with you being there… Come on, have you eaten?”

“No, but I’m not hungry…”

“I don’t care. Go get something and bring it with you.”

“Fine, fine.”

“And bring your bag so you can have a stab at your homework. Do Bri and Matt know you’re not gonna be walking home?”

“I’ll text one of them later…”

So Zack comes back to work with me, much to Sean’s delight. He loiters near the racks of guitars for some time before Sean laughs and tells him to ‘take one down already!’. Zack looks at him, unsure, for a moment then turns back to the instruments on the wall and does as he’s been told. Sitting on a stool in the corner of the store he lightly strums the strings and tentatively places his fingers in the correct positions for some of the basic notes.

Sean sits with me at the till, watching Zacky as I serve a customer. “Does he play?” He asks as the customer takes her bag and walks away.

I turn my attention back to Zacky and watch as he focuses intently on the instrument in his hands, shaking my head in answer to the question. “No, though apparently they’ve had a couple of lessons on them at school…”

“Is he interested in learning to play properly?” Sean asks, his voice quiet as he turns to me.

“I don’t know… He’s never said, but then he knows I can’t afford to pay for lessons so he might not have said anything because he doesn’t want to make me feel bad for being unable to act on it…”

“Woh, would he do something like that?”

“Yeah. He’s always had very few expectations and he’s used to being disappointed so he expects even less… He’s been let down so many times in the past that now he’s hardly fazed by disappointment, almost expects it…”

“God, poor kid…”

“Yeah... That’s kinda why I wanna get that present for him for Christmas. He’s wanted one for years and he totally won’t expect to actually get one…”

“Good for you, mate,” Sean says, smiling to punctuate his meaning and giving me the impression, as he so often does, that he admires me. “Have you arranged a date to go see Ella about the-”

“Don’t say it!” I laugh. “Yeah, I’m dropping round on my way home on Friday…”

Sean nods, then calls over to Zacky, “Hey, kid! You’re pretty good…”

At his sudden announcement, Zacky jumps a little and blushes. He goes to hang the guitar back on its peg but Sean tells him not to, that his playing is nice, and Zack smiles bashfully and places the instrument back on his knee.

Standing from his chair and walking over to Zacky, Sean pulls another stool up beside him and takes a guitar down for himself, tuning it briefly, then leaning it against the wall and reaching out for Zacky’s to do the same.

Although we’re experiencing a bit of downtime, there are still a couple of customers milling about and it’s nice to listen to Sean teaching Zacky some basic techniques as I tend to the public.

~*~

Friday comes and goes with my visit to Sean’s sister’s brief but conclusive. I fall in love with what will be Zacky’s Christmas present the minute I see it but realise that I have to leave it with Ella until I am able to figure out where to keep it until the big day.

“How much?”

“How much have you got?” Ella asks, her expression and tone soft as she leans against the kitchen table and crosses her arms below her chest.

“Ella, I don’t want a special deal, I-”

“Jim, what can you afford? Without wanting to cause offence, the going rate for these is a lot more than what you’ll be able to pay with your wages… I want you to have one. I think it’s great that you want your kid to have one of these and for that reason, I’m happy to give you one for an amount that is reasonable to you.”

I look at her and shake my head as I let out a soft laugh. “You and Sean are too good to me…”

She just shrugs. “So, how much have you got?”

I mumble my answer, ashamed that the amount is so small, and am unable to meet her eyes as I speak.

“This was going to be your only gift to him, wasn’t it?” Her voice is so gentle I want to cry, but I manage to hold my emotions at bay and, swallowing my pride, slowly nod my response. “Not any more. Jim, I’m going to give you this for nothing…”

“No! I can’t ask you to do that…”

“You didn’t. I offered. I don’t need payment for these… I’m only getting rid of them because I haven’t got the time to keep them myself. I know it’ll be going to a good home and that’s enough for me. I know you and I know you want to make this Christmas perfect for you and your friends… How’s Zack going to feel if there’s nothing under the tree with his name on? I want you to have this because you say that he’d like it, but I want you to spend your money on things that he can look forward to opening. This isn’t going to go under the tree, I know that much. I want you to save your money for things that can.”

I can feel the tears springing to my eyes and it’s as much as I can do to hold them back. Words are beyond me and so I step forwards and take her into an embrace that I can only hope shows her enough of my gratitude to make up for my lack of vocal thanks.

~*~

With Zacky’s main gift now costing me nothing, I have more to buy than anticipated when we go to the mall on Saturday. Johnny is ridiculously excited, running around and pointing at the Christmas themed displays as the rest of us trail behind, somewhat more perturbed by the hordes of people also out to do their Christmas shopping.

We eventually split up in to two groups and go off in search of gifts for each other. Me and Brian head straight for an art store in search of something for Johnny, whose learning disability is more than made up for my his artistic skill. Without wanting to disappear down the route of the overly hyperbolic, he is one of the most creative people I know and his ability to accurately replicate an image frequently astounds me. He is by no means the greatest artist ever, I mean he’s only ten, but something about the effort that he puts into all of his pieces and the sheer level of detail that he manages to include leads me to think that his career later on in life will revolve around art and design.

“What have you got in mind?” I ask Brian as he leads the way into the store and makes his way down the first aisle.

“I dunno… Something a bit more grown up than what he’s had before. Maybe some good quality coloured pencils or something like that…”

I nod encouragingly. “Yeah, I think that’s a nice idea. I was going to look at some drawing papers and some paints, maybe get a couple of small canvases too…”

“I think Matt and Zack were thinking of getting him some art supplies too… Maybe we should get something that he can keep it all in, you know, like a set of draws with compartments for different bits and pieces…”

“Yeah, good thinking. He’ll only leave stuff all over the place if we don’t!”

Brian laughs and picks up a tin of watercolour pencils that he’s just been looking at. “How about these? Then he can do painting as well as drawing and it won’t be so messy…”

“I like your thinking!”

We move further in to the store in search of some of our other gift ideas and I suddenly become aware of how tense Brian is. He, more than any of the rest of us, hates busy places, the fear instilled in him by his parents’ actions making him wary of all the people bustling about him. At every new jolt he receives, I can see him jumping a little more and I can see his eyes flicking around as he tries to pre-empt as much contact as possible.

“Brian,” I say as I touch my hand to his upper arm, something which has become common practise amongst us when we want to offer him reassurance without startling him. He flinches only slightly and turns to face me with a questioning look in his troubled eyes. “Do you wanna go?”

“Yeah, but… we need to stay. I’m okay…”

“Are you sure?” I ask, searching his eyes for any sign that he really can’t take this.

“Yeah…” He smiles wryly, “If you wander off, then I’ll freak out, but for now, I think I can manage…”

“If it gets too much, all you have to do is say, alright?” He nods and I leave it there. He’s comfortable enough with me to know that he’s always welcome to take me up on that and I know him well enough to know that he’s not going to suffer on if he really can’t stand to.

We continue on our way, heading into another couple of stores in order to seek out the perfect gifts for Matt and Zack, the latter in particular as he also requires a birthday present from each of us. It’s at this point that I am once again reminded about how grateful I am to Ella for not charging me for Zacky’s gift as I am now able to buy him a couple of things for both Christmas and tomorrow. I make a mental note to get Ella something too, unable to just take Zacky’s gift without giving her at least something small in return.

A few hours later, once we’ve all regrouped and split off again into different divisions, we decide to call it a day and head home. We have yet to buy the tree but managed, whilst we were shopping, to pick up some red lights and tinsel as well as some ornaments to hang from the branches, all of which have different designs but share the common theme of a black colour scheme. We let Johnny chose the piece for the top: a teddy with a Santa hat on its head which I think he plans to tie to the top with some string around it’s waist. It’s anything but traditional, but has a certain Johnny-like charm about it which can’t be frowned upon.

After dinner, a quickly reheated frozen pizza and chips, we head back out again to look for a tree. We encounter a lot a few streets away from the mall and begin the hunt together; testing the branches for the trees’ freshness and deciding upon a smallish but well filled-out Norwegian Spruce.

The evening is spent decorating our new tree which Johnny has affectionately named Dougie, a name which many an inanimate object has been given courtesy of our youngest member.

~*~

Zacky’s birthday on the Sunday passes with a relatively low level of fuss, the birthday boy insisting that he is happy to spend the day at home with us before getting a take-out for dinner and putting a movie on as we eat. He seemed slightly overwhelmed by the idea of anything more, unable as he is to accept that people actually want to do things for him. Even now, eight years after first arriving in care, Zacky believes, as Brian does, that he’s worth next to nothing.

Zacky was only a few months old when his father died and for the first seven years of his life, Zacky was haunted by the departure of the man who had enabled him to be. As the family’s sole source of income, Mr Baker’s death left them financially unstable and his wife, Zacky’s mother, was unable to gain employment with the education that she’d had.

As months turned into years, Zacky’s mom became depressed, her responsibilities of being a single parent of a small child with very little money weighing heavily on her shoulders. She took to drinking, and later to taking drugs, in a vain attempt to pick herself up but with a dwindling supply of money, she soon realised that she had to find work to sustain her addictions. She found prostitution and even dabbled in drug-dealing, frequently leaving Zacky home alone whilst she went out to work.

Zacky was five years old when he first came into contact with the social services. His mother took him to hospital when he fell ill shortly after consuming a meal, only realising something was wrong when she didn’t experience the expected high that should have been bought on by the magic mushrooms that she had cooked into her portion. She must have been horrified when she discovered that she had confused the plates and given her son a massive dose of a drug which acted like poison in his tiny body as, for all her neglect and misdemeanours, she did care about her boy…

The hospital contacted the social services but there wasn’t sufficient evidence to bring Zacky into care and so he was allowed to return home with his mother. Things only worsened from there though when his mother began to bring her clients home with her, exposing her son to the dangers of her trade. Zacky was not only forced to hear the abuse that his mother sometimes experienced but, on occasion, was similarly manhandled, his small body penetrated against his will.

He went through a similar thing to Brian, albeit to a slightly lesser extent, but Zacky has never been as bothered by being touched as his friend is. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because, for Zack, the more dominant memories, and consequently, those that trouble him most, are the ones which concern his mother. He cared for her and has never held anything against the woman that brought him into this world, even when, at seven years old, he found himself in hospital again following a drug-induced beating at the hands of the one person who should never have laid a finger on him.

He spent several weeks in hospital recovering from his injuries and by the time he was discharged, he had been removed from his mother’s care. Even without his mom’s influence, though, Zacky continued to develop a sense of worthlessness and the older he got, the more he began to hate himself, placing the blame on his own back for his mother’s neglect.

It’s little surprise then that he has very few expectations and looks to be disappointed by those around him. His experiences of his mom’s life also explain his hatred towards alcohol and drugs, and thus his straightedge lifestyle and extreme reaction to being accused of being drunk, whilst I believe that the similarities between his and Brian’s pasts are part of the reason that they are such good friends with such a deep understanding of one another.

I look over to where the two of them are sitting now, Zack leaning against the couch whilst Brian sits next to the tree, under which we’ve left Zack’s presents, ready to ‘deliver’ them to his friend. He hands one to Zack who carefully sets about peeling back the tape and unfolding the paper, mindful not to rip it as he removes the gift from inside. He beams at the cover of the DVD and turns awkwardly to hug Matt who’s sitting behind him on the couch, before having his attention diverted to Johnny’s who’s just leant across Brian to retrieve his gift and is now bouncing the end of it lightly on Zack’s head.

“Alright, matey, yours next,” Zack smiles, taking the long wrapped object from his friend. He’s probably already aware of what it is- Johnny’s not brilliant at keeping secrets and there aren’t that many things that come in long, circular tubes- but he feigns surprise for Johnny’s benefit as he removes the Misfits poster from its paper wrapping and hugs the boy by his side.

Ever the bookworm, Zacky is delighted by Brian’s gift of a couple of paperbacks and also seems impressed by the t-shirt that I picked out for him, going so far as to pull it on over his existing one to show off its fit.

“It looks even better than I thought it would…” I muse, to which Zack gives me a huge grin and throws himself at me with open arms.

“Thanks, guys,” he says, smiling as he moves away from me.

“What do you like best?” Johnny asks.

“Aww, you can’t make me choose! I like everything.”

“Do you like mine?”

“Of course I do!”

Johnny settles for that and crawls away, plonking himself down with a considerable amount of force onto Brian’s lap and laying his head against the older boys chest as he watches Zacky closely inspect the design on his t-shirt, an intricately patterned ‘straightedge’, which he traces with his finger.

~*~

The guys go back to school the following day and everything runs smoothly until Thursday when I go to collect Johnny from school and am called in to the classroom for a chat with his teacher.

“Is something wrong?” I ask, closing the door behind me and leaving Johnny to wait in the corridor, looking slightly apprehensive and more than a little guilty.

“Erm… It’s not a huge problem, it’s just- I caught Johnny using the ‘f-word’ earlier…” She says as I sit down in the chair that she’s pulled out for me. I raise my eyes to the ceiling and groan. “Mr Sullivan, you don’t seem very surprised…”

“I’m not. One of the boys that we live with has a foul mouth! Johnny’s very impressionable; it was only a matter of time before he repeated some of the language that his friend uses…”

“Does Johnny know that cussing is wrong?”

“Yes, of course! I’ve already told him not to repeat any of those sorts of words, and God knows I’ve told Zacky not to say them in front of him!”

“He doesn’t listen?”

“No, he does. He just rarely remembers to do as I’ve asked in the heat of the moment…”

“Ah, that’s kids for you!”

“Yeah, tell me about it…”

“Look, I’m not going to punish Johnny ‘cause he’s a lovely kid and I know he meant no harm, but do you think you could maybe have a word with him? You know, reinforce the point…”

“Yeah, sure,” I nod. “I’ll have a word with Zacky too…”

The teacher smiles, her blue eyes sparkling as the skin around them wrinkles warmly. She seems to have a kind heart and a gentle nature and it’s little wonder that Johnny talks about her at every chance he gets.

“Is there anything else?” I ask.

“No, no. He’s usually a good kid. He’s doing well in his lessons…”

“Really?”

“Yeah, his writing’s getting better and his reading’s definitely improving. His drawing’s as good as always!”

I grin, delighted to hear of his progress. “And he’s not too disruptive? I know he can be quite lively…”

“Oh no, he’s not a problem as far as that’s concerned.”

This faces me with a problem. I now want to go back outside and give Johnny a big hug and tell him how proud of him I am, but I’ve come in to talk about his swearing and a hug seems like a slightly inappropriate means of telling him off…

~*~

It’s Christmas Eve before anything else of interest happens. Having been living away from the home for more than three weeks now, the guys are desperate to return to say ‘merry Christmas’ to the other kids and are looking forward to being able to see them all again, Matt giddy to see his girlfriend for the first time since school let out on Friday… I accompany them back, also eager to see how everyone is, and am armed with a box of chocolates and something from the boys to show Zoe our thanks for her help.

We stand huddled on the doorstep as we wait for someone to come to the door. My attention wanders as my eyes drift across the driveway to the bushes at its perimeter which remain steeped in shadows and only visible by the faint dusting of snow that has settled at the tops.

“Ah, boys! How lovely to see you!”

My eyes move back to the, now, open door and the burly male figure which blocks our entrance.

“Hi, Dan. It’s good to see you too…” I smile as Johnny flops forward against his side.

“Come in, come in! Are you staying for dinner?”

Four pairs of pleading eyes turn to me, causing a soft laugh to form in my throat. “If you’ll have us…”

“We’d love to have you! I’ll just go make sure that Angie puts something extra in for you lot. Go on through…”

Removing our jackets, we hang them on the pegs in hall and make our way through to the TV room. It’s empty and, I suspect it has something to do with what seems to be the home’s tradition of leaving all wrapping until the last minute.

“Dinner will be in about an hour,” Dan informs us as he joins us in the room. “Sorry, the kids are all upstairs sorting their gifts out…”

“Can I go see Emily?” Matt asks.

Dan smiles at him knowingly and nods, watching his retreating back as he exits the room and ascends the stairs. A minute passes before we hear a short knock, then another as the first goes ignored. A muffled ‘yes?’ answers this one but, unsatisfied, Matt knocks a third time, receiving a loud groan in response before we hear the door thud open and a small shriek.

“Hey, baby” Matt laughs in greeting. We don’t hear anything more for a few minutes and I assume it’s because they're hugging on the landing but eventually we hear the door slamming shut as they retreat into the privacy of Emily’s room.

Matt remains absent until dinner when he and Emily return, their hands linked amongst the influx of kids also joining us to eat.

We sit together and chat, the way we did when this place was still our home, everything still seemingly so familiar and comforting. For me, especially, it’s nice to once again be looked after rather than having to look after myself the way I have been for the past couple of years and it is almost a relief to relinquish, just temporarily, the guys’ care to Dan and Angie.

With dinner over, I make myself comfortable on the couch; a young girl called Diana snuggled against me as we watch a Christmas movie on TV. Brian and Zack have disappeared off somewhere, presumably with some of the other kids and Johnny is sat in the corner, drawing a picture for the boy he’s sitting with and allowing his eyes to repeatedly stray over to Matt and Emily who are cuddled together in the single-seater and kissing each other when they think no-one’s looking.

I giggle softly to myself and think about how much I miss all this… I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my independence and being able to live with my best friends but there’s something about this place, particularly at Christmas time, that I just can’t replicate at home…

“Jimmy! What are you doing here?”

I look up at Zoe who has just arrived in the doorway and smile at her as she walks over. She stoops to press a kiss to my cheek which I return as Diana wriggles on my lap.

“We wanted to come say ‘happy Christmas’… And I’ve got something that I wanted to give you…”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah… Di, can you let me up a minute? I’ll be right back…”

The little girl shuffles sideways and off of my lap and I stand and walk into the hallway to retrieve the gift bag from the coat peg.

“Oh, Jim! You shouldn’t have…” Zoe scolds me as I hand the bag over.

“Yeah, I should. It’s not so much a Christmas present as a thank you… We all know how much work you’ve done for us…”

“Aww, well thank you very much... Can I open it now?”

“Go ahead,” I answer, mindful of her excitement.

She opens the bag and peers inside. “Ooh, lovely! Can I open this too?” She asks, pulling out the boys’ gift from the bags depths.

I nod and Johnny looks over as she opens the paper to reveal a framed photo of the five of us on Zack’s birthday. “We didn’t want you to forget us…”

She laughs. “As if I could! Seriously, though, it’s a nice picture and I love the frame. I’ll have to find somewhere at home for it…”

I smile at her and settle myself back on the couch as Diana scrambles back on to my lap.

“So, how are you and the boys getting on?” Zoe asks, placing my gift on the window sill and taking a seat on the arm of the couch.

“Not too bad now they’ve settled in and are seeing it as their home too…”

“They’ve done that already? It usually takes longer…”

“Yeah, but they knew me already… They were already comfortable around me…”

“Yeah, that’s true… ‘Their behaviour and all that is okay?”

I glance at Johnny who is focusing intently on his drawing, seemingly having heard Zoe’s question and realised the direction that our conversation could lead in.

“Generally everything’s fine. There’ve been a couple of incidences but nothing major or anything to be concerned about…” I say, narrowing my eyes at Johnny who just grins in response.

“Good,” Zoe smiles, seemingly unaware of mine and Johnny’s interaction. “‘You think it’ll work out then?”

“Yeah, I don’t think there’s much doubt of that…”

“Good, I’m glad. You deserve something good to come out of this…” She smiles so genuinely that I know that she’s behind me in this venture and that is enough to fill me with so much hope for the future. “Are you ready for tomorrow?”

“I hope so! I think I’m about there…”

Zoe laughs. “I’m sure you’ll be fine.” She pats my shoulder as she stands. “I’d better go announce my presence to the others… Are you staying much longer?”

“A couple more hours, I guess…”

“I’ll come back for a chat before you go then,” she promises, ruffling Johnny’s hair as she passes him on her way out of the room.

~*~

It’s nearly eleven pm by the time we get home to a cold house and a last minute realisation, for some of us, that there are still a couple of presents left to wrap.

I stroke the back of Johnny’s head as he pulls at the Velcro on his jacket and tugs the zipper down. “Go do your teeth and get changed for bed, yeah? You need to go sleep or Santa wont come…”

He beams up at me and does that cat-like thing where he rubs his head against my hand, then hangs his coat up to dry and dashes away towards his bedroom.

“We’re gonna head to bed too, if that’s okay?” Zack asks, cocking his thumb at Brian. “We’ve got… something to sort out…”

He raises his eyebrows in a manner that creates mystique but Brian ruins this impression by giggling. He obviously knows what they’re about to get up to and I think it’s something for Matt, something which I’m given the impression is a dirty, private joke between the three of them…

The two of them bid me and Matt goodnight then leave us alone in the living room. Matt has taken a seat on the couch and is staring blankly at the TV screen. I sigh to myself, knowing what is going to happen as soon as he knows he has the security of the other three not coming in…

Johnny bounces in to kiss the two of us goodnight, leaning on Matt as he places a kiss on his cheek. The older boy smiles and kisses him back, trying to appear as cheerful as his friend but looking, to the observant eye, very much down.

“Come on John. Let’s get you to bed…”

I take a hold of his hand and lead him to his room, tucking him in and telling him that he needs to go to sleep or else Santa wont come. He nods seriously and snuggles under his covers, pulling them right up to his chin and clenching his eyes shut to show me that he’s going to sleep. I laugh softly and kiss his forehead before turning and leaving the room and closing the door behind me.

“Matt? Are you okay?” I ask, walking over to the couch.

“Do I have to answer that?”

“No…”

I sit down beside him and pull him against my body as he bursts in to tears. He rarely cries and can stop himself from doing so with a click of his fingers, but when it comes to just the two of us alone on the eve of a day that’s special to him, for example Christmas or his birthday or one of his parents birthday’s or something of that nature, his tears are unstoppable.

Very few people have ever seen him cry and that he actually does every once in a while is a fact that we keep between the two of us. He has his reputation to maintain, the tough guy persona that will stick up for his friends and he doesn’t need people to know how they can bring him down. If they’ve never seen him show his weakness, they can’t use it against him because they don’t know it exists. Well, that’s his logic, anyway…

Matt’s story is a lot less complex than most of ours in that his family were good to him, he led a healthy life and he was happy at home. But one day all that changed. Matt’s parents were killed in a house fire when he was eleven and he’s always felt somewhat guilty for not being there with them that night. He was staying over at a friend’s house and only found out in the middle of the night when the police called round to tell him what had happened.

He lost everything that night and ended up in care almost immediately, spending months saying very little and looking blankly into space before we finally managed to coax him from his depression. Now he has almost complete control over his emotions, saving his frustration and hurt towards the situation until there is just the two of us to bear witness to it.

He’s still the strongest person I know, however feeble he may seem in his hours of need.