When You Can't Have It, You Want It

I woke up in the morning to the sunlight streaming through the windows; it was well past noon. An arm was draped loosely around my waist and I didn't have to turn around to know that it was Zack's. After our movie night last night (early this morning?), I was too tired to drive home, so he let me spend the night. I ended up staying for a few nights, actually. It has only been a few days since I started ignoring Alex but the results were astounding. He called me at least three times a day and texted me nightly. To be quite honest, it was annoying, and I didn't want to deal with him at all at this point, so I stayed with Zack to distract myself.

Unfortunately, my heart would still beat faster whenever an All Time Low song played through my iHome and that is how I knew I wasn't completely over that damn boy.

“Good morning,” I heard a raspy voice from behind me say. I turned around to face Zack who still had his eyes closed.

“Morning,” I whispered.

He opened his eyes slowly and I found myself staring straight into his hazel green eyes. My breath got caught within my chest as I realized how close we were lying next to each other. Zack smirked slightly and pulled me closer to him, forcing me to let out the breath I was holding. A giggle escaped from my lips.

“You know that you're gorgeous, right?”

I smiled slightly. I'm sure I had droopy eyes and smeared makeup from the night before all over my face, but it didn't seem to phase my best friend of all time.

“And any guy would be stupid to not realize what he had in front of him all this time?”

I nodded slightly with my head still laying on the pillow. I closed my eyes. I was about to fall back asleep when I felt Zack's nose nuzzling against my own.

“Hmm?” I mumbled, opening my eyes. It seemed as though, in slow motion, Zack was moving his lips closer to mine. I swallowed a lump that had begun to form in my throat in anticipation of what was happening. Should I kiss Zack? Did I want to? I closed my eyes, expecting his soft lips to be pushed against mine.

But that moment never came, because as soon as our lips were to meet, the door burst open.

“Man, we need to talk,” Alex announced seemingly frantically. I squealed and rolled off the side of the bed that was farthest from the doorway that Alex had just burst through. I got up on my knees and leaned against the bed, trying my best to hide from the two boys.

“God damnit Alex, have you ever heard of knocking?!” Zack groaned.

Alex stood frozen just inside the door, taking in the scene that he had just interrupted. He was wearing a red checkered flannel and knee-length cut off jean shorts. His usually tousled hair was hidden beneath a gray beanie and his eyes seemed puffy, as if he had stayed up all night. As I was trying to calm down my breathing, I was staring at the boy in the gray beanie, wondering what was going through his head at that very minute.

Inwardly, I found myself pathetic for still caring.

It felt like several minutes had passed before Alex began to back out of the doorway. Finally, upon reaching the door frame, he turned and bounded down the steps.

“Shit,” I heard Zack mumble.

I pushed myself away from Zack so that I was sitting up. Drawing my knees in to my chest, I wrapped my arms around my legs and rested my chin on my knees.

“Yeah,” I agreed.

Neither of us said anything but we both knew that one of us had to go after Alex and explain what he had just seen. The only thing preventing that from happening was the fact that neither one of us was exactly sure what had happened either.

“Rosaline.”

Something in Zack’s voice made me avoid his gaze. Whether it was determination, desperation, hurt, or hope, it was indistinguishable to my bungled thoughts. I shook my head in an attempt to clear it out. I stood up, charging toward the door and took the stairs two at a time. I made it outside just in time to see Alex sitting behind the wheel of his car that was parked in Zack’s driveway. He had his head in his hands, resting on the dashboard.

“Get out of the car,” I said, walking over to the driver side door and opening it.

“What-”

“Now.”

Alex unbuckled his seatbelt slowly and stepped out of the car, unsure of himself. I stood back from him a few feet thinking to myself until I heard his car door slam shut.

“What did you come here for, Alex?”

Alex chuckled in disbelief and squared his jaw. Leaning back against the car, he said, “To talk to Zack.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. If he was going to be stubborn, then fine. “About what?”

He took in a few deep breaths and let them out, obviously trying to calm himself down. I watched calmly as his shaking hands reached up to adjust the hair he had sticking out from underneath his beanie. He was nervous, but why?

"Are you okay, Alex?" I asked, surprised at the legitimate concern in my voice. Despite having ignored him for the past few days, he was still one of my closes friends and I still cared for him. Maybe more than I should have, admittedly.

“What does it matter to you?” He asked calmly, the icy tone of his voice sending chills down my spine despite the sun in the sky.

I offered a sympathetic smile. "I'm your friend Alex, aren't I? You've known me practically as long as you've known Zack– why can't you tell me what's on your mind? What are you so afraid of, Alex?"

"I thought," he started. Shaking his head, he began again, "I was just- I was starting to feel something for someone, but it turns out the bassist got to her first."

My eyes widened slightly as I began to comprehend the meaning behind his words. After that statement, he stayed silent.

“Alex, I need you to listen to me,” I pleaded. His eyes and mine were locked together. The sun was beating down but the breeze reduced the harshness of its tone. “I’m not– Zack and I aren't hooking up."

I smiled, before finally telling Alex what has been going on for the past six months.

“For years, Zack watched me pine over you from a distance. It seemed as if everyone in the room would know how I felt toward you except for you,” I began to explain. As an afterthought, I added, “And Jack, but that’s not the point.

“The time came, months ago, when Zack was tired of it. So he’s been pretending to be interested in me in order to set me off limits for you. And of course, once you can’t have something, you want it. And that’s what this is... get it?"

Alex shoved his hands in his pockets, probably to hide his fidgeting fingers that had begun to form a fist. He was confused, but that was understandable. Alex closed his eyes and pulled his hands up to cup his face. I stayed silent.

“Well you were right,” was the first utterance that came from Alex’s lips. I raised an eyebrow, silently asking for an explanation.

“You’re right. I couldn't have you,” he paused for emphasis, motioning to Zack’s bedroom window just visible from the driveway. “and that's why I wanted you. Want you.” He tried to chuckle.

"I just don't understand why you and Zack had to go through all of this to get to me. Why play me when you could have just talked to me?"

I licked my suddenly dry lips and backed away from the car as he moved to sit on the hood of his car.
I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Why hadn't I?

"I was scared. Zack's 'plan' seemed like something that could work, and I didn't have to put myself out there and I didn't have to be afraid to–" I stopped myself from finishing my sentence.

"Afraid to what?"

"Fall," I whispered. "And put myself out there. You're unpredictable in your emotions, Alex, and I could never read you like a book like you seem to be able to read the rest of us. I didn't want to get hurt."

"Well it hurt watching you and Zack get closer as you pushed the rest of us away. I just never did anything about it because I never thought anything would come out of it."

"And nothing did come out of it," I reassured him. "And I'm sorry it hurt you. We didn't think it would."

He smirked, showing off the dimple that made my heart melt. "I'm not entirely heartless, you know."

I nodded, smiling myself. "So…"

"So?"

"What now?"

"Can you and Zack stop this incest-y thing you've got going on? It's frustrating for me to watch every time we hang out."

My mouth dropped open. "Hey! Zack and I are best friends, if anything, it'd be a 'friends with benefits' type situation, not incest!"

Without meaning to, Alex flinched. "Whatever it is, can I not see it anymore?"

I softened. "Sure. But Zack and I are still going to be best friends, you can't change that."

He nodded knowingly. "And can we hang out sometime? Just the two of us? I promise not to text you 'good night' every night since that's apparently not your thing."

The suddenness of my laugh startled Alex who, for the first time in his life probably, was being nearly entirely serious.

"The good night texts were sweet, really. I just– I was frustrated with you. That's all. Yes, we can hang out."

He smiled again, setting off my heart beat again with the indent of his dimple. Damn boy.

"Last thing, and then I'll leave."

I nodded my head, indicating he could ask whatever his heart desired.

"Can I have a hug? I'd ask for a kiss, but considering everything, I think it's best if we take it relatively slow."

I held his gaze for a moment across the cement path before walking slowly toward him. I wrapped my arms around his upper body and nuzzled my head into the nook of his neck. He held me tight enough for me to feel the strength of his arms and smell the musk of his body wash. As he began to release me, I stood on the tip of my toes and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek; I watched the dimple begin to form.

"Relatively," I whispered into his ear before I pushed myself off of him. "I'll see you later, Alex."

"I'll call you tonight?"

"I'll answer."

He got into his car and drove off, leaving me giddy in the driveway. I looked up to see Zack watching from his bedroom window. Through the blinds, I could barely make out what looked like a wink. I stuck my tongue out at him and bolted back into the house.

Running up the stairs, I threw his bedroom door open and was instantly tackled in the biggest hug I have ever gotten from a certain Merrick. We were both whooping and screaming, finally done with the weirdest plan we have ever concocted.

"To be honest Rosaline, I was hoping that you'd get in the car with him and then drive off into the sunset to live happily ever after.”

I offered him a sarcastic smile. “Well, you thought wrong,” I said, "I've got to tease him a little bit to keep him interested. You know how he can be, fickle with his girls."

"Yeah, but you better be different for him. If not, I'll kick his ass."

I turned to face Zack and saw him zoning out, focused on the wall opposite the headboard of his bed where we were currently sitting. I smiled softly. Resting my head on his shoulder, I reached out for his hand, which he graciously offered.

"Zack," I whispered, not wanting to break the happy mood we were both in. "You are the most amazing person I will ever have in my life, you know that?"

"Yes, I do."

I grinned. "Seriously, though! If it hadn't been for you, Alex wouldn't have come here this morning and none of that you saw down there would have happened."

"I know that too."

"Thank you."

"Ros," he started, without acknowledging my gratitude. "I would do almost anything for you. Don't even mention it."

He let a small smile form on his lips, and then he leaned down and kissed me on the forehead.