Status: Please read my blog: Where To Begin?

And the Memories Will Last Forever

The Hardest Part

Oh, god, how was I gonna tell Matt? I hope to fuck that I don’t start crying, I can’t cry; especially not in front of Matt.

Matt Sanders is my next door neighbor and my best friend since like forever, and also the guy who I had a massive crush on for the past five years. But to Matt, I was just plain old Riley, someone who he fucked around and hung out with, his best friend, not girlfriend material.

I shook my head in disgust after I realized that I was feeling sorry for myself when there were other things that mattered way more than I did. I looked over my shoulder as I heard footsteps approaching.

Matt came jogging over to me with a huge grin spread across his face. I didn’t smile back as I normally would have. Instead, I looked away, wishing to hell that I didn’t have to say what I had to and making his cute grin vanish.

“Hey, Riles,” he said sitting down next to me and wrapped me in a warm and tight one arm side hug.

When I didn’t say anything back and just stayed there under Matt’s strong protecting arm, he spoke again. “Are you alright?” he asked gripping me tighter.

I shook my head. “No, Matt,” I whispered.

Matt rubbed my arm soothingly. “What happened? Did you and Lauren get into a fight?” His voice was so full of concern it nearly broke my heart and probably would have if it hadn’t already been completely shattered just a few hours before.

“No,” I muttered.

“Aww, come on, Riley, don’t make me guess, you know I hate it, just tell me what happened,” he whined.

I felt my mouth crack into an involuntary small, insignificant smile, but Matt noticed anyway.

“Haha. I saw that. Victory!” he laughed.

Then my smile disappeared. I breathed in very deeply. The only way to get through this was just to tell Matt flat out and fast, like ripping off a band-aid. I snuggled into his side and I felt his arm tighten even more around me.

“Riley, I’m being serious here, okay?” Matt’s voice lacked the humor it had moments before.

I nodded.

“Is what you have to tell me good?”

I shook my head.

“Bad then?”

I nodded. Worse than bad.

“Okay, I kinda figured. You aren’t acting like yourself.”

I nodded again.

“Alright, we’ll just sit here like this for awhile until you tell me what you have to, okay?” Matt said bringing me even closer to him, if that was even possible.

I nodded. What did I ever do to deserve such a great friend like Matt? Someone who understood that I had to talk but just couldn’t get it out right now? I honestly don’t know. All that mattered right now was that Matt was here when I needed him, and god, I really needed him.

I had my head resting on Matt’s chest and I felt his chest moving up and down with his breathing and I heard the strong sound of his heart beating beneath my ear. Matt still had his arm wrapped around me, holding me close to him. And for the first time all day, I felt the cold leave my body and I started to feel warm again.

Matt and I sat on the bench for awhile. I’m not exactly sure how long it was we were sitting there. Because, today, time lost all meaning for me. It no longer existed to me. It no longer mattered.

After a few long moments of fighting with myself, I finally got up the strength to tell Matt why I had called him here tonight. I breathed in deep. “She’s gone,” I whispered.

“Who’s gone?” Matt asked.

“Lauren.”

“Where’d she go?”

I closed my eyes as I felt them start to sting again. “She’s gone,” I repeated. “She’s just…gone,” my voice broke on the last word.

Matt was quiet for a moment. “Riley, I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”

I sighed. I took in a deep shaky breath trying to mentally brace myself for the words I was going to say next. The words I wish I would never even have to think ever again, the words that made everything seem so…final.

“Lauren’s…dead,” I managed to say just above a whisper.

I felt Matt shudder against me. “Oh, god, I am so sorry, Riles.” He pulled me onto his lap, cradling my head to his chest. Matt wrapped his arms around me securely, as though trying to build a cage of protection around me so that I would never be hurt again, and rocked us back and forth on the bench.

Matt rocked us for a few minutes in silence. The only sounds that could be heard were the occasional cricket chirping, a flutter wings from night time birds, and the rustle of the wind through the trees. I was amazed at how clear everything seemed to me on this moonless night.

“I don’t know what else to say,” Matt whispered. “I’m just so sorry, Riley.”

I nodded against his chest. I had spent many a night laying awake in bed thinking about what it would be like to have Matt’s arms around me, and now that it’s happening, I wished it wasn’t because of this.

“I know, Matt, I know,” I wrapped my arms around his neck and he buried his face in mine. I was trying to comfort him as much as he was trying to comfort me. Matt’s breath floated across my neck and I shivered from the tingles that were starting to spread throughout my entire body.

“Are you cold?” Matt asked wrapping his arms even tighter around me.

“No,” I said quietly. I felt Matt shiver against me. “Are you?”

Matt sighed and chuckled. “Not really.”

I felt my hands move and press against Matt’s shoulders. I did not give them permission to roam around and the feel the hard muscles and sheer broadness of Matt’s shoulders, my hands were acting of their own volition. But I wasn’t doing a damn thing to stop them.

And as my hands moved down and started to explore Matt’s amazingly firm chest, he stiffened against me. My hands froze in mid-motion.

“What are you doing, Riley?” he asked pulling back a bit so he could see my face.

I looked into Matt’s piercing hazel eyes, and my breath escaped me quickly. “I…I…d-don’t know…s-sorry.” I stuttered quietly.

Matt’s breathing had quickened and mine grew faster in response. His hazel eyes never once leaving mine, holding me captive. As I looked into Matt’s eyes, I made a quick decision and before I could lose the courage I had somehow gained, I grabbed his face in my hands and I crashed my lips against his, hard.

Then Matt did the one thing I wasn’t expecting him to do, something I never thought he would have done…
♠ ♠ ♠
This was a little hard for me to write.
Tell me what you think.
Thanks.

Title credit: My Chemical Romance
song: Sleep

marriah