Hearts Recycled But Never Saved

Jimmy was still fast asleep when I woke up in the middle of the night. The sky was starry and dark blue. I only wished I could sift it through another angle. Enjoy life as much as some said they did. Be able to express gratitude without lying.
I wanted to be with Jimmy. He was the only thing in this world that I could cling onto.
He was the light in the darkness. Simply the love amongst the hate. The living amongst the dead.

I looked at his peaceful face. He was really cute.
The dark, messy hair hung down over his closed eyes, nearly reached his well-shaped nose.
I started thinking about myself. No, I wasn't anything to brag about. My silly, black hair, the green eyes and the quite wide cheeks... no.
And I was trying to figure out why I loved Jimmy so indeedly. And what love really is about. We had known each other for three weeks. Three and a half. What had happened during them?

I just kept watching my beloved sleeping constantly for three hours. He fascinated me.
When he finally woke up, he did it with style.

Suddenly, his eyes opened wide and he immediately sat up, giving up a little shriek. He scared me into a shout too.

"Jeeze, how are you?"

In the fraction of a second, I had put my arm around him. He panted and gasped for breath.

"J... just a nightmare, nothing urgent!" he stammered under his breath. "Don't you worry honey, I'll be fine."

I raised an eyebrow.

"You know, talking about nightmares helps... usually...", I tried reminding him of the time he the same of my nightmare.

"No thank you, I don't want to re-etablish that."

End of conversation, I thought.
I leaned my head on his shoulder. Jimmy. The world's most beautiful Jimmy.

That evening, we roamed around town and met the Underbelly. They were having a huge party in a shitty apartment of one of their friends.

"Come on, you must join us!" a someone yelled and pulled Jimmy's arm.

"Tunny... no... wait." Jimmy pushed the guy named Tunny aside and turned to me. "We've got nothing better to do, right?"

I shrugged, just hoping that Jimmy wouldn't go too far.

When we entered the party, it was already a mess. Broken furniture laid everywhere, drunk, dancing people, empty beer cans and bottles, loud music, couples having sex in the corners, and the air was full of thick cigarette smoke.

"Enjoy the party!"

Tunny chuckled and pat Jimmy's back, and walked into the lump of people.
Suddenly, my anxiety was lost. Instead, I got a will to do this! A will to drink, take drugs, smoke, dance and make out.

"Give me a cig, babe", I said to Jimmy and winked. He smiled and pulled a pack of cigs up at request.
He lit them for us and I pulled him out on the floor to dance.

I let go of everything else, I stopped to care.
The only things I felt was the taste of alcohol, the smell of cigarette smoke, the feeling the drugs brought to my mind, the speeding pulse. I felt Jimmy's lips kissing me all over my body, I felt his tongue in my mouth. I heard the sound of the music, the shouts of people, Jimmy's breath in my ear.
I saw nothing. It made me feel absent. I was there, but I was blinded. I had stopped to care.

"YOU FUCKER!"

I fell backwards, and got my eyesight back. Feet, legs; I was caught.

"Don't blame me, she's the whore!"

The entire party gasped for air. Everyone turned their heads to where the shouts came from:
Jimmy and Tunny. I had been floored just behind them.

"That's my girl!" Jimmy yelled. "Don't touch her!"

"Listen to what I'm saying, she was touching me!"

"But you made out with her!"

"Idiot, she made out with me!"

"You enjoyed it!"

"Yeah, that's a great whore you've got there", Tunny confronted.

Jimmy's fuse burned off.
He floored Tunny with a fist and jumped onto him and hit him over and over again. Slapped him, punched him, kicked him...

"NO! STOP IT!" I yelled.

Tunny gave Jimmy a fist in the face. They both roared out loud through the silence.

"STOP! STOP! What the hell are you doing, get off of him!" I screamed and tried reach Jimmy to pull him off of Tunny.
Three boys from the watching crowd ran up to them and grabbed Jimmy by the arms. He was screaming and kicking the air. Seemingly, anger and jealousy mixed up with marijuana psychosis.

"Tunny!" The girl beside me howled shrilly. There was a clear touch of despair in her voice. She fell down her knees beside Tunny and stroke his face. "Do you hear me? Tunny? TUNNY!"

Jimmy laid on the floor, breathing out of control, screaming, with his legs and arms snatching. His face was covered in blood.

I realized what I had done. I was beyond control, I had let the demons take me. A wave of guilt welled over me inside. I had hurt Jimmy and almost killed Tunny. It was all my fault. Why did we go to this stupid party? Why did I drink so much, why did I smoke those idiotic joints?

I got on knees beside Jimmy. He mumbled expletives over and over.

"Jimmy... it's me. They're carrying Tunny out of here right now."

"You know why I did this?" Jimmy cut off. His bleeding lips smiled.

I stroke his cheek. His blood ran down my fingers, and I shook my head with tears flooding my eyes.

"Don't feel any shame. I know. I know exactly what happened and why. Mistakes. I've done enough of them." He nodded and stopped smiling. "But I forgive you."

"Why, Jimmy?" I sobbed.

"Because I fucking love you."