Status: The story is not supposed to end here. I wrote this five years ago and I am now 17; quite unmotivated to pick up writing it again, but we will see. hold on!
Hearts Recycled But Never Saved
Too Much Too Soon
"Can I ask you something?" Jimmy's face was so troubled that it hurted.
"Go ahead." I licked the stolen ice cream that we were sharing for the moment.
"Do you love me."
I heard from the tone that he wasn't asking. He was stating it.
"What?! What makes you think I wouldn't?!" Automatically, I got into a defence pose. He knew that something was wrong.
"Because... I know this may sound a little fucked, but..."
He fumbled with lighting his cigarette and groaned. I could see how hopeless he felt. It was obvious. "You know the dream that I had last night?"
I nodded. I was filled with anger and sorrow out to my fingertips, ready to detonate.
"It was so real..." He rubbed his eyes with the thumb and the index finger.
It hit me. That was the first time I ever saw Jimmy cry.
"You saw me leaving", I whispered with a hollow, serious voice.
Jimmy wouldn't face me. He wouldn't say anything. He just irritatedly wiped the tears.
"Jimmy?" My voice was totally changed and shivering. My lip trembled. "Things have changed. Seems like you can feel it."
"But you don't understand!" Jimmy did his best to throw the sad expression away, to seem unmoved.
I flew up from the bench, as if a fist fight would erupt.
"I thought I was the only one who can understand everything inside of you? Wasn't that what you said, liar?" I screamed.
"Look, you really have to listen to me now, Whatsername!" Jimmy desperately tried to get my attention. "I was just so stupid, all the time, but when you came around... look, you've changed me, in a good way!"
I gave him a glance of disbelief.
"I mean, a great way!" Jimmy shouted, and the corner of his mouth snatched. "But... I don't know what I am any longer." He got silent and slowly buried his face in his hands. "I'm a fucking fake, I don't deserve you! Maybe you're not for real. Maybe I'm dreaming. I've gone insane."
Apathetically, I sank down on the bench again. I felt no interest to listen. It was all a daze. It must be only a daze. I am insane. Jimmy is not.
"No, you got it all wrong--"
"Jimmy." I held up my hand to silent him. "You're such a martyr. Listen to me now. You can't do everything."
"But you didn't really understand what I said..." Jimmy coaxed carefully. "Maybe... maybe you're the fake! I don't even know your name! I don't know anything any longer."
I roared out loud, and Jimmy looked scared to death.
"I'm not living for wasting time as your personal drug!" I screamed. "I won't waste my time arguing. You only live once, Jimmy, so fucking do something about it! You can't wait for everything to happen!"
I clenched my teeth to avoid crying and dropped my voice.
"I can't take this place, or this town. I'm gonna leave it behind, Jimmy. I'm leaving you tonight."
"Just give me one more chance! It's my fault!"
Jimmy wouldn't leave me alone. He chased me around the empty streets. It was the middle of the night.
I clenched my teeth and stamped my way forwards.
"Please!" he kept yell, only feets behind me.
I turned around, furious.
"You love me too much, Jimmy. You almost killed a guy because you loved me. You forgave a whore because you loved her. I can't love you before I learn to love myself."
Jimmy stammered something unaudible.
"You're so fucking spoilt! But I love you, Whatsername."
"I loved a guy who called himself Jesus of Suburbia. You know what?" I yelled. "You're not him. Maybe you're not St Jimmy either, what do I know? I loved someone who knew who he was. I thought he could help me, I wanted to be just like him. I wanted to do whatever suited me, just like him. Now he would do whatever I tell him to. I can't take care of myself, so I can't take care of him. I'm sorry, but I don't love St Jimmy."
He shook his head, put his head in his hands.
"No. No."
"Farewell! See you in hell!" I pushed him away from me. "Hope you rest in pieces!"
Jimmy gazed at me. I knew that the most unbelievable had happened to him. The end of his era.
As he didn't utter a word, he only made me even more upset.
"Fuck you!" I yelled loudly. Then turned around again and ran away. Forever.
"Go ahead." I licked the stolen ice cream that we were sharing for the moment.
"Do you love me."
I heard from the tone that he wasn't asking. He was stating it.
"What?! What makes you think I wouldn't?!" Automatically, I got into a defence pose. He knew that something was wrong.
"Because... I know this may sound a little fucked, but..."
He fumbled with lighting his cigarette and groaned. I could see how hopeless he felt. It was obvious. "You know the dream that I had last night?"
I nodded. I was filled with anger and sorrow out to my fingertips, ready to detonate.
"It was so real..." He rubbed his eyes with the thumb and the index finger.
It hit me. That was the first time I ever saw Jimmy cry.
"You saw me leaving", I whispered with a hollow, serious voice.
Jimmy wouldn't face me. He wouldn't say anything. He just irritatedly wiped the tears.
"Jimmy?" My voice was totally changed and shivering. My lip trembled. "Things have changed. Seems like you can feel it."
"But you don't understand!" Jimmy did his best to throw the sad expression away, to seem unmoved.
I flew up from the bench, as if a fist fight would erupt.
"I thought I was the only one who can understand everything inside of you? Wasn't that what you said, liar?" I screamed.
"Look, you really have to listen to me now, Whatsername!" Jimmy desperately tried to get my attention. "I was just so stupid, all the time, but when you came around... look, you've changed me, in a good way!"
I gave him a glance of disbelief.
"I mean, a great way!" Jimmy shouted, and the corner of his mouth snatched. "But... I don't know what I am any longer." He got silent and slowly buried his face in his hands. "I'm a fucking fake, I don't deserve you! Maybe you're not for real. Maybe I'm dreaming. I've gone insane."
Apathetically, I sank down on the bench again. I felt no interest to listen. It was all a daze. It must be only a daze. I am insane. Jimmy is not.
"No, you got it all wrong--"
"Jimmy." I held up my hand to silent him. "You're such a martyr. Listen to me now. You can't do everything."
"But you didn't really understand what I said..." Jimmy coaxed carefully. "Maybe... maybe you're the fake! I don't even know your name! I don't know anything any longer."
I roared out loud, and Jimmy looked scared to death.
"I'm not living for wasting time as your personal drug!" I screamed. "I won't waste my time arguing. You only live once, Jimmy, so fucking do something about it! You can't wait for everything to happen!"
I clenched my teeth to avoid crying and dropped my voice.
"I can't take this place, or this town. I'm gonna leave it behind, Jimmy. I'm leaving you tonight."
"Just give me one more chance! It's my fault!"
Jimmy wouldn't leave me alone. He chased me around the empty streets. It was the middle of the night.
I clenched my teeth and stamped my way forwards.
"Please!" he kept yell, only feets behind me.
I turned around, furious.
"You love me too much, Jimmy. You almost killed a guy because you loved me. You forgave a whore because you loved her. I can't love you before I learn to love myself."
Jimmy stammered something unaudible.
"You're so fucking spoilt! But I love you, Whatsername."
"I loved a guy who called himself Jesus of Suburbia. You know what?" I yelled. "You're not him. Maybe you're not St Jimmy either, what do I know? I loved someone who knew who he was. I thought he could help me, I wanted to be just like him. I wanted to do whatever suited me, just like him. Now he would do whatever I tell him to. I can't take care of myself, so I can't take care of him. I'm sorry, but I don't love St Jimmy."
He shook his head, put his head in his hands.
"No. No."
"Farewell! See you in hell!" I pushed him away from me. "Hope you rest in pieces!"
Jimmy gazed at me. I knew that the most unbelievable had happened to him. The end of his era.
As he didn't utter a word, he only made me even more upset.
"Fuck you!" I yelled loudly. Then turned around again and ran away. Forever.