I Know I'm Not The One You Call When You Are Alone

“How long until you leave?” I asked Josh, I had tried to spend as much time as I could with him before he left for tour but it was hard when all he wanted to do was spend every waking hour with Lauren, I felt like I didn’t really know my best friend anymore, we were not like we used to be and that hurt so bad.

“10 hours.” He replied packing the last items of clothing in his bag, I noticed that he hadn’t looked at me in the past 2 hours, he was pre-occupied but even when I asked him a question he refused to look my way.

“Why won’t you look at me Joshua? What have I done this time?” I sighed, I was fed up of being pushed away, what sort of friendship do we have if one of us isn’t co-operating with the other?

He stopped midway through putting a shirt in his bag and his shoulders fell a little. “If I look at you then I’ll want to cancel this tour and stay here with you.” His voiced cracked.

I couldn’t help but scoff, “Yeah right, I’m Alex remember? Not Lauren.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” That seemed to have ticked him off a little; he turned to face me, staring straight into my eyes. I broke contact, feeling a little uneasy.

“You wouldn’t want to stay here for me; you want to stay because you don’t want to leave Lauren.”

“When is this obsession with Lauren going to end Alexa?! Why are you so jealous of her? You have to accept that there isn’t just you in my life!” His voice had raised considerably, I was starting to get a little scared.

“I don’t have an obsession and I know there isn’t just me but I’d like you to accept that I AM in your life! I feel like a spare part or a movie extra in your fucking life! You said nothing would change if you started seeing Lauren but nothing has stayed the SAME since you two started dating. I’d like for you to accept that I am actually here for at least 5 minutes! You’ve spent that past 6 months acting like I’m not there and yeah, I’m fucking sorry if I’m really torn up about that!” I was really in his faced, screaming at him as my hot tears burned my cheeks with frustration.

“That’s not true! I always make time for you! You’re here right now aren’t you?!” The stupid asshole just wasn’t getting what I was saying.

“Yeah I AM here right now, it’s nice that you’ve noticed! But guess what? I’m not going to be here much longer. So go on you fucking fabulous tour, stay with your fucking amazing girlfriend and continue with your fucking fantastic life…WITHOUT ME!” I stomped the floor before turning around and grabbing the door handle to leave. Joshua grabbed the top of my right arm and spun me around, slamming my back against the closed wooden door. My best friend slammed his lips against mine in a very impatient, sloppy and burning kiss. I couldn’t quite believe what was happening. What was he doing?!

His hands ended up on my waist as he was pressing further into me. I gathered up every ounce of strength I had and pushed him away. I know that I’ve wanted this for so long but it was so wrong. He can’t think that kissing me would make everything better, I was furious with him; he technically just cheated on his girlfriend too. My hand swung back and then my palm connected with his cheek.

He clutched his cheek which was already burning and had turned a bright red colour. I had just slapped Josh. I felt horrible.

“I’m sorry.” He whimpered as tears started slipping from his eyes. “I’m so fucking sorry for everything Alex.” He sobbed as he fell back onto his back on his bed.

“Sorry can’t fix anything Josh. You’ve ruined everything these past few months, I can’t forget it all, you’ve made your bed, now you have to sleep in it.” I turned away and this time I exited his bedroom without a single word of protest from the now broken boy. This was the hardest thing I had to do but it was for the best, I have to shut him out.

I had word that the boys’ first show of the tour went brilliantly and every day was getting even better, I had Chris & Max keeping me updated. Apparently Josh was a wreck though; no one had known a single thing that had gone on in his bedroom 9 days ago. I was still trying hard to ignore his calls but I didn’t know how much longer I could do it, I wanted to see him, have his comfort me, have his arms around me and tell me everything would be ok. I wanted him home.

The past few days the number of calls from him had rapidly decreased. He either realised I wasn’t going to give in or he had given up trying.

I’d pretty much cried nonstop the first 5 days, I felt even more alone than ever, my best friends were out having the time of their lives and I was stuck at home crying myself to sleep. It was pathetic.

I saw my mobile phone light up beside me, another call coming through, it was Chris.

“Hey Chris.”

“Hey Lex, how are you today?”

“Not too bad, missing you guys like crazy still.” I let out a small laugh.
“Well we’re home today, you didn’t forget did you?” I glanced at the calendar on the wall next to them, I had completely lost track of the days.

“Of course not, I’ve just been wrapped up in a lot of things lately.”

“We were all going to visit you if that’s cool with you?” I’m not completely sure that would be a wise idea, if they saw me right now they would ask questions, questions were not things I needed right now.

“I..um..-“

“Josh won’t be there, we’ve told him he has to stay away from you for a while, the 4 of us need to speak to you without him there, we need answers.” I sighed, there was no way I could get out of this.

“Fine, I’ll see when you get here.” I disconnected the call before Chris could say anymore. It was a struggle to get out of bed but I’d managed it, I needed to start cleaning this room, the only clean thing around here was me and that was only because I showered last night due being in desperate need of one.

Just as I was tossing some wrappers into my waste bin I heard the boys walking up my stairs whilst talking in hushed tones.

We exchanged hugs, they talked about tour but I knew Josh was the topic they wanted to talk about. The 5 of us were sat cross-legged on my bed as I was leaning on Max, too tired to sit up on my own.

“So…,” Dan said looking around at the mess of my bedroom that hadn’t been cleared, “what the hell has happened to you Lex?” I bit my lip, looking at the 4 pair of eyes staring at me.

It took me a minute or so before I could even think of what I could tell them, the true was my best bet.

“Josh.” The boys looked confused. “Josh and I had a pretty heavy argument before you guys left. I mean, it was really bad.”

“That will explain the trouble we’ve had with him all tour.” Matt replied.

“What exactly was the argument about?” Chimed Max.

“It was about Lauren, he wouldn’t look at me all the time I was at his house, he told me that if he looked at me he’d want to cancel tour to stay with me. I didn’t believe a word of it, I told him that he was basically bullshitting me and if anyone was to keep him here it would be Lauren. He told me I have to stop obsessing over her and accept that there isn’t just me in his life. But the thing is, I don’t feel like I’ve been in his life the past 6 months! I proceeded to tell him some home truths about how he hasn’t made any time for me recently and that he’s acted like I don’t even exist, he of course denied that and told me that I was with him right then. I told him I wouldn’t be there much longer and that I was going to let him get on with his life without the interruption of myself. It went downhill from there, I wanted to leave but he grabbed me to avoid me leaving and then he… he kissed me, like really fucking kissed me, not even a half hearted one.” The boys gasped and they mouths were wide open; I wiped a tears that had unknowingly fallen.

“What did you do?”

“I pushed him away, I’ve wanted it for so long yet I pushed him away because I didn’t want him to regret it and hurt Lauren. He can’t just fix and argument with a kiss, that’s not what friends do. I haven’t spoken to him since, I kept ignoring his calls but he’s stopped ringing me now.”

“Fuck.” Max was the first one to speak up.

“I miss that stupid son of a bitch Maxxie.” I sobbed into his shoulder, “I hate him but I love him so fucking much!”

That afternoon I poured my heart out to the boys, told them everything I could think of and tried to think of ways to avoid Josh if he wasn’t already going to avoid me. I just wanted to stay mad, hate Josh and never speak to him again but it was proving harder than I originally thought. I know that I’ll crumble once I see him again.