Lights Will Guide You Home

"I'm leaving," I told him.

"Why?" he asked, sounding hurt.

"You know why," I said. "I tried to stick it out, Bren. It's just too hard."

"Where are you going?" Brendon finally asked.

"I'm going to go stay with my aunt," I said. I watched Brendon as he nodded his head. He looked at me before kissing me softly.

"I'll miss you, Ry," he said.

"I'll miss you too," I said, starting to choke up.

"And Ryan?" Brendon said.

"Yeah?" I said.

"I'll always be here if you need me," Brendon said.

This memory came flooding back to me as I read the note Brendon had sent me. It wasn't long.

"Come home, Ryan. Things will be better.
I promise.
Love, Brendon.

Could things really be better?

I was supposed to be home at 10, but had lost track of time with Brendon. I arrived home at 11. When I entered my house, the lights were on, but the house felt strangely empty.

"Dad?" I called. No reply. I took off my coat and put it in the coat closet. I walked into the living room. My father was sitting on the couch. I didn't notice the beer bottle sitting on the coffee table. Or the empty one's on the floor. "Dad?"

My father stood up and faced me.

"Good to see you Ryan," my father said. "I wasn't sure if you were coming home."

"Sorry Dad," I said cautiously. "I lost track of the time."

"I bet you did," my father said. "Don't think I don't know what's going on between you and Brendon, you little fag."

"Dad," I said. I couldn't help the feeling of nervousness that washed over me. I had never felt so scared in my life.

"Who woulda thought my son would be a fucking queer?" my father asked no one. My father stepped closer, the scent of alcohol rolling off of him; filling my nostrils. He grabbed a handful of my hair, pulling hard. I cried out in pain. "You disgust me."

My father pushed my head down hard before letting go of my hair. I fell onto the floor.

"Now," my father said, towering over me. I sat up. "I don't want you to see Brendon ever again. You understand?"

I didn't say anything. What could I say?

My father kicked me hard in the stomach.

"Answer me!" he said, his voice raised. I didn't say anything. He kicked again. "Do you understand me?"

Finally I answered.

"Yes sir," I said quietly, tears streaming down my face.

I had seen Brendon again after that night. Even though I had said I wouldn't. At first, my father didn't suspect anything. But he must have found out from someone that I was still spending time with Brendon. He hurt me the worst when he found out. I had to stay in bed for a few days. I couldn't even bring myself to the hospital. When I could move, I snuck out of the house (after packing some of my things), and drove my car to Brendon's. I spent the night with him. I called my aunt the next morning, then told Brendon I was leaving.

Leaving had been for the best. It's what I had wanted. I didn't want to be treated badly by my father anymore. But on the other hand...I needed Brendon. I missed him so bad it hurt sometimes. Hurt worse than when my father abused me.

"He won't hurt you again," Brendon said.

"How do you know that?" I asked, choking on my tears. "He'll find out some how. The only way it won't happen again is if I don't see you anymore."

"There are other ways," Brendon said.

"How?" I said, my tears falling faster. "I can't just leave and stay with you. He'll find me."

Brendon wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to him. I buried my face in the crook of his neck, getting his shirt wet with my tears.

"It'll be ok," Brendon said softly, rubbing my back soothingly. "I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you."

I reread the note Brendon had sent me. Maybe things would be better. There was only one way to find out. I tucked the note into the pocket of my jeans and started packing my things. When I was finished, I threw my bags into my car.

Before I left, I wrote a note for my aunt telling her where I was and thanking her for everything.

I got in my car and started on the road to Vegas. I turned the radio on as I got on the highway.

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"

I didn't realize it, but I had started to cry. I stepped a little harder on the gas, making my car go faster. I needed to get home. I needed Brendon.

The car ride was unbearably long. It was night time when I reached Brendon's street. I sped down the familiar road, anxious to get to Brendon. I didn't bother turning my car off as I jumped out of the car and raced to the front door of Brendon's house. I knocked quickly and loudly.

Brendon answered the door. I wasted no time in hugging him. I felt Brendon's arms wrap around me tightly after a minute. I was sobbing into Brendon's shirt.

"I'm home, Bren," I choked out. "I'm home."

“I love you so much,” I said to Brendon as we lay together in his bed. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’d probably have the most boring life imaginable,” he said, smirking. I laughed.

“I’m being serious, Brendon,” I said.

“I know,” Brendon said. He pressed his forehead to mine so that he was looking directly into my eyes. “I love you too. Our lives wouldn’t be the same if we didn’t have each other.”

I smiled and pressed my lips to his. There were no words to describe the feelings I had when I was with Brendon. He was my life. I couldn’t picture any kind of life without him.

“I’m so glad you came back,” Brendon choked out as we stayed locked in our embrace. He was crying too. “I was right when I said our lives wouldn’t be the same without each other.”

“I know,” I said. We pulled apart to look at each other. “I’m so sorry I left.”

“It’s ok,” Brendon said, pushing some of my hair out of my face. “I’m just glad you came back.”

“Well, life was just too boring without you,” I said, smiling. Brendon laughed before kissing me passionately. This is where I belonged. This is where I wanted to be. Right here with Brendon. Forever.