Holding Our Breath While We Touch

The summer wore on. Three weeks it went. Three weeks just flew away.

The next thing I knew I was kissing my mom goodbye and hauling my suitcase out to the Suburban, ready to go on tour with Pat, Jared, Garrett, John, and, yes, of course, Kennedy. The next thing I knew I was on the road with the boys. And the next thing I knew, I still hadn't told Pat that I had cheated on him. With one of his best friends. Sober. Willingly. Again. The reason that I had shied away from telling Pat the truth was because we were happy. No one knew about what I had done with Kennedy except for, well, me and Kennedy. Mostly we tried to stear clear of each other. That, however, was a bit difficult in an eight passenger van.

Right now it was around dinnertime and we were all driving to the next venue, just having left the last one. As everyone's stomachs started to growl more loudly we decided to pull over at an In N' Out Burger which we could see down the highway. Once we got there everyone hopped out and ran inside. I wasn't very hungry so I just got some fries. I mean, how can you go to In N' Out and not get fries? All the other boys plus Peter, their tour manager; Max, the merch guy; and Aaron, well, I wasn't really sure what Aaron did.

After Pat had finished, he stood up and turned to me, "Hey, Dei, want to go over to the grocery store with me?"

"Ha, sure, Pat." I laughed, running over to him, holding his hand with both of mine and rested my head on his shoulder. He kissed the side of my forehead and pulled his hand out of mine and wrapped it around my hips, tucking his hand into my back pocket.

Once we were about half way to the store we whispered to me, "I love you Deidee. You know that? I don't mean to scare you, but I don't think I've loved someone as much as I love you before."

We stopped walking and I wrapped my arms around his neck and we wrested our foreheads together.

"I know that Pat, and that is just the trouble." I said, looking up to the side, hoping that I wouldn't cry, "I don't want to hurt you because I love you so much, too."

"Dei, what is it? You know that you can tell me anything."

"I know, I know. But it's just hard you know?" This time I couldn't stop the crying. I was stuttering and blubbering.

"No, Dei, actually I don't know. Come on! You've gotta tell me stuff!" yelled Pat, sounding sort of pissed off, "I can't just guess what you are thinking. All I know right now is that I love you, and you love me, but you did something. Or someone did something to you. I don't know Dei!" Pat stormed off towards an ally between two stores.

I followed him, well I tried to. I was crying so hard that my vision was a bit impaired from my tears, and I stumbled when I walked because of my shaking.

"Pat!" I sobbed, "Stop! Stop, babe, stop!" I was getting really worked up. I wasn't mad, just really overwhelmed that Pat and I were possibly actually having a fight. "STOP! PAT!"

Finally Pat stopped. He was half was down the ally which was pretty dark. The sides of it were old stone, weathered from years of wind and rain. He stood, looking at me, with his hands in his pockets. If my vision weren't so blurry, I would have sworn that he was crying a bit too.

"What the fuck to you want Deidee?"

"Pat, just wait up for a minute." I caught up to him and pulled him into a hug. But, he didn't hug me back. He just stood there, sort of waiting for it to be over.

"Pat, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. But there is something I need to tell you."

"Just tell me, Dei. I told you before, I need to know what is going on with you so that this doesn't end up happening more often."

"Well.." I started, unsure of how to start.

"Yea? Come on, Dei," coaxed Pat, rubbing my hand.

"Kennedy." That is all I could manage to say. I wanted to say more, but I wasn't sure how to say it.

"Oh, I see." said Pat, pursing his lips. He removed his sympathetic hand from mine and walked away.

This time I could not follow him. I didn't have that much energy in my. I crumpled down on the ground and covered my face with my eyes and sobbed.

I guess that I had fallen asleep, because I woke up to a starry sky, myself balled up in the dirt of the ground. I sat up, seeing a figure sitting beside me. That figure was Pat. He, came back! was my first thought. But then, that thought just turned into guilt as I realized what a terrible girlfriend I had been. I had now done stuff with Kennedy twice, and Pat had forgiven me for it. My entire body went limp at this idea.

"Pat? Babe, I love you. I know that I've said that before and right now you probably don't believe me. But you have to, because right now I have never meant it more." I said, meaning every word of it.

But Pat just continued to stare at me

"I'm sorry." I didn't have anymore energy to make Pat see that I loved him.

But Pat didn't need any more convincing, I supposed. He lay his hand on my cheek, sort of caressing it. He pulled my limp body up into a sitting position, placing his hands under my arms like you pick up a child. He let me fall onto his chest. He pulled my closest leg around his wait so it was on the other side, me straddling Pat, still not moving. I just lay there against him, feeling totally pathetic. Eventually energy flowed through my veins again. I put my hands on the wall behind Pat's head and pushed myself back so that I was looking into Pat's face.

He smiled, that cute; babyish smile. It sent shivers down my back and I knew why I loved Pat again. I laughed and smiled at him. I leaned in an kissed him. And he kissed me back. We sat there for a long time, kissing and whispering to each other for hours. Eventually Pat told me that the band and the rest of the crew had gotten a hotel near by. We decided to head back to get some sleep. And Pat carried me there. Though is it tiny, he has got pretty strong muscles from drumming. He held me securely and safely, close to his body.

We got back to the hotel room. Pat and I collapsed on a bed, the other side of it occupied by Garrett.

"Hey, guys," said Garrett, waking as we landed on the bed, "nice of you to show up."

"Oh, no problem, Garry!" I laughed and rolled over close to him. He rolled over on his side and draped his arm around me.

"Hey, man!" said Pat, obviously not mad about it. Garrett was his best friend and knew that he was a very physical person, "what about me?" he continued, laughing.

"Well, then!" I sort of shrieked, a bit loud.

"Get you skinny ass over here!" joked Garrett, back.

Pat rolled over beside be. I wrapped my arms around him, sliding one underneath him so the I could clasp my hands together on the other side of him.

"WHOA!" yelled John, from the other side of the room, waking everyone else up in the process. "Party in Pat's bed!" as he jumped from his bed over to ours, landing on top of us.

"Count me in," said Jared and he got up off the couch and lay down next to Pat. I unclasped my hands and ruffled his hair. "Hey," said Jared looking surprised.

"Nice to see you back, Dei!" said John, once he realized I was underneath him.

I erupted into a fit of laughter. Soon everyone was laughing and poking and ticking each other.

"Hey, guys. Think you got room for one more?" asked Kennedy from his bed.

Everyone went silent, wondering why Kennedy was even asking. "What are you waiting for? Of course there is room!" said Pat.

Kenny jumped over to our bed and the teasing continued far into the early hours before we all fell asleep on Pat, Garrett and my bed. And for the first time since Pat and I went on our date, I felt truly happy and content.