If I Said '*** You' Would You Say 'Honey, I Love You Too'?

"Fuck you! I hate you so much!"

"Honey, you don't mean that-"

"Yes I do! I fucking hate you!"

"I know that's just the drugs talking. I know you don't really mean that-"

"I'm not on the fucking drugs anymore Dean! I'm clean! I'm sober as I say this, I hate you!"

He looked down and looked back at me with the same expression he wore when his grandmother died. I had hurt him, I knew. "When you're ready to come clean, call me." He said and walked out. He'll be back, though. He's always back.

He was right. I could say I'm clean to people's faces, but following through was a different story. I could say I was off the heroin, but hide the needle behind my back. That's right, I'm a liar. However, he did say he loved me for me....well....he got me....

I crashed on the couch and closed my eyes. No use in changing clothes, I knew in an hours time I would be walking the streets, trying to find him and tell him I didn't mean it. Just like before. I don't know why I searched the streets. I knew exactly where he'd be at. He'd be at his brother's, trying to figure out where he went wrong, while his brother trying to convince him to lose me, but he'll refuse. I could tell you exactly where he went wrong: when he stepped into the store I was working at and said "Hi, I'm Dean."

His brother hates me. He knows what I'm doing, he knows how I've unconciously broke his brother down. He's just like the others. There's not very few people in this world who likes me. I think only Dean and my drug dealers are the only ones.

I sigh and get up. I might as well start looking for him. I've cooled down...for now. I grab my jacket and head out the door. I'm thinking on which roads to take. I'll just go straight down Second Avenue to Jasmin Street and spare time by ending up at his apartment. I don't feel like taking the long way.

I walk down the streets, the lights casting shadows on me. Long shadows, that can't be a good sign. In the shadows, you can hear people living extreme versions of my life, except they let the drugs go too far. I guess I can't say that, when I have too. It's because of those that I'm out here, instead of both of us sleeping in each other's arms.

I reach the apartment door and knock. Normally, if Dean's over here, his brother will just open the door and let me in. He'll already know. "Who is it?" He called through the door.

"Hanna." I replied, startled he didn't know. He opened the door. "Hanna? What are you doing here?" He asked, the hint of sleep in his eyes. "You know damn well what I'm doing here." I said and barged past him and head to the kitchen table where Dean always was sitting. I stopped dead in my tracks. He wasn't there. I looked shocked. "Aiden, where's Dean?" I asked, confusion and anger in my eyes. "Hmm? What are you talking about? I haven't seen Dean in over two weeks." He said, him now confused. I turned my gaze back to the table. The one thing that made everything okay was Dean sitting there, so I could sit next, put my hand on his, and swear I never-would never-mean those things. He wasn't there, though. "Is everything alright?" Aiden asked. "Um, yeah. So Dean hasn't been here?" I asked, taking note of every possible place he could be. "No. Haven't seen him since your last fight." He said. I sighed and headed towards the door. "If you see him, tell him he was right." I said and left. I had to find him. I had to.

I walked out towards the street and rested on a lightpost. He could be at the library. He could be at Dairy Queen too. I took note of every place and started my search. I went first to the library.

The library was just a few blocks over. It was old, dusty, but romantic. So romantic, that it was the place Dean told me he loved me. I remember feeling so incredible, I had never felt like that about anyone, and I still feel like that. That's why it's so important to find him. If it had been anyone else, I would of let them go and go on with life. No worries. He was different...

The library was empty, and not a soul to be found. He wasn't there. I sat on the library steps. I was scared. What if I didn't find him? I knew I had screwed up. I promised myself right then and there to never touch another needle. I had made this promise before, but the difference about this one was I meant it.

I headed towards Dairy Queen next. It was still open, and there was families eating. Our first date was at this place, and I knew this was right when we were playing video games and we were so comfortable, it was unbelieveable. It was like we had been going out for months. Now, two years later, this is where we're at.

He wasn't there either. He wasn't sitting in his favorite booth, located in the back, crawled up with a book and a Blizzard shake. I walked over to the booth. The only people who occupied it was us two, and all over was little hearts inscripted with 'HK + DG = LOVE' or 'HK & DG FORVER'. We were so naive, if we had known, this table would of been empty.

I walk out back into the pitch darkness of the night. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate. The only thing I could think about was Charlie, my drug dealer. I was tempted, but I kept telling myself I will not go back to him. If I wanted to be with Dean, I couldn't go back.

I started walking. I didn't know where to, but my feet were moving. I realized I was walking towards the alley Charlie occupied. 'Damn.' I said to myself, 'I just can't win.'

There were police cars. Sirens and lights were going off, and on the trunk was Charlie. I tried to stay hidden, but he still saw me. "Hanna! Hanna, tell them I don't deal drugs! Tell them the man dead in the alley isn't because of me!" He yelled at me.

I froze. I could feel my heart skipping beats. I had this sick feeling it was Dean, but how did he know? The cops pushed Charlie in the back and shut the door, just as they pulled the dead man from the alley on a stretcher. I ran over, feeling like I wasn't getting there fast enough. I tried to look at him.

"I'm sorry mam, you'll have to step back." The police officer said, shooing me away.
"Please officer, my boyfriend has been missing since this evening. I just want to see if it's him." I pleaded. He looked suspiciously at me and reluctantly agreed.

There he was. His shaggy brown hair, his pale skinny body, it was all laying front of me. No pulse, no breaths. He was dead. My love, my life, my everything was dead. He looked so sad. I started to cry.

"Dean, Dean no! No, don't be dead, please don't be dead!" I pleaded over and over, holding his cold hand all the way to the ambulance. The put him in and I hopped in behind him.

"Please Dean. Please, don't be dead." I kept saying, crying harder. I knew though. I knew he was gone, I just didn't want to believe it. "Please, don't be dead."

We reached the hospital and they rolled him into emergency. I waited for what seems like forever. They called his brother, the whole time he didn't speak to me. I knew he was done with me if Dean just happened to pull through, I knew he'd never speak to me again. Which was fine, I never liked him anyways.

He actually surprised me when he went down to the cafeteria. "Hey, I'm going to the cafeteria, do you want anything? Something to drink? Something to eat? Another needle maybe?" He said in a bitter tone. "I've quit the drugs Aiden." I said. "Mhmm, that's exactly why Dean found all those needles under your bed." He replied. "Hey, you don't know a thing about my life, so fuck off." I replied. Just as I said that, the doctor walked out. He had a semi-smile on his face. "Good news and bad news. Good news is we were able to bring him back. Bad news is he'll be in here for awhile." He said. I sighed a breath of relief. "So, exactly what happened?" Aiden asked.

"Oh, you didn't know?" The doctor asked. "Heroin overdose."