Here Goes Nothing

"I just don't understand! I didn't do anything wrong, and we were doing so well..." Sarah trails off, sobbing too the point I couldn't understand her.

"I have to go, it'll be okay in the end. It always is." I say reasuringly.

"What? No, Ella I need you! You can't leave." Sarah pleads with me. I can't get Alyssa voice out of my head, 'You want her to feel the same way you did don’t you?'

"I'm sorrry, I have to go Sarah." I say flatly, "I can't be on the phone with you all night just because your boyfriend broke up with you. You've only been going out with him for a couple months! It wasn't serious, if anything it was aganizing. Just call Jen or someone. Call someone who cares. Ha! You don't even care--"

"What?" Sarah interrupted, "What are you talking about?" I start to cry.

"Jennie's crying now. I'm sorry Sarah, but I can't talk right now. Please just call someone else." I say quietly, hearing Jennie's wails from across the house. Then I hear dial tone. She hung up. I try and convince myself that this is a good thing, but can it really be?

"Shh Jennie, I'm here. I don't know where Mom is but I'm hear." I say picking Jennie up in my arms. Her eyes are red from crying; so are mine. But her wails don't stop when I pick her up and begin to rock her. I go to the living room, turn on the tv but don't bother to change the channel to something interessting. I sit in the rocking chair with Jennie and rock her back and forth to put her back to sleep.

I had almost succeded with Alyssa's plan. I didn't know whether or not to feel happy, or feel like more of a bitch then I'd ever been. If I had succeded in fulfilling her plan, than I'd be like her. A cold, unloved bitch. But I had almost fulfilled it. Does that make me almost a cold, unloved bitch?

riiing, riiiiinnnnnnggg, rrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggg!

The phone rings quietly in the kitchen. I put Jennie in her crib, and I hear the ringing stop. Damnit. When I reached the phone it said '1 missed call.': It's Nick's cell phone. When I try to call back, there was no answer. Crap!

"Today has not been my day." I say aloud to the phone.

"I'm home Ella!" My mothers voice calls out from the entry way. I go out to find her taking her boots off.

"Mom! Shut up! I just got Jennie back to sleep." I tell my mom, frusterated

"Whoa, who peed in your cherrioes this morning?"

"Mom!" I complain.

"Okay, okay fine. But really, what happened?" She asks me seriously. I explain to her how Sarah and Nick broke up, but she was confused.

"Well El, isn't that a good thing? I mean now you have the chance to be his girlfriend."

"But I don't mom! He went out with my best friend, therefore I can't go out with him. It's one of the unwritten rules of boyfriends!"

"You're father went out with Emily before me." My mother says quietly. This was the first she has mentionned my father since the seventh grade.

"Aunt Emily?" I ask rhetorically.

"Yes, my sister. Jeremy was quite a lady's man." She said with a giggle, but no smile appeared on her shallow face. I have so many questions, but I don't ask for fear that one word could distract her. His name is Jeremy! "Given it didn't last, we did go out for awhile. Longer than him and Emily lasted."

"Mom... can I meet him?" I asks shyly.

"I, um, well. Maybe." She studders out, unsure.

"Please mom. I want to meet my father! I want to be able to call someone dad! I've grown up all my 15 years without him, can I atleast meet him now?" I beg.

"Ella I don't know. I just don't know. I could ask him. I could see if he wants to. You know, he might not want to Ella."

"Mom! He's my FATHER. Why wouldn't he want to meet me? I want to meet him, shouldn't the feeling be mutual?" I yell at her in an assertive tone.

"Ella Maria Glendenning! I will NOT accept this attitude. Your so innocent in the big, scary world! I don't want you to get hurt."

"Really Mom? You don't want me to get hurt? Maybe you just don't want to get yourself hurt! I need to know my father Mom. It's not fair that I can have friends with perfect familys and then come home to this, MESS." I shout more angrily at my mother. It seemed to have pushed the bottle cap off of my mothers bubbling temper.

"He doesn't want to see you Ella. He doesn't want to have anything to do with your life. How could I possibly tell you that? How could you possibly hear that and not feel a pain in your young heart? You were a mistake, given my age I thought you could have figured that out on your own. I thought he'd be happy to have a child that belonged to him. But instead he got freaked out! He stayed with me until people started to notice my expanding stomach, and then he left. We kept contact some. He was there when you were born but I didn't want to give you his last name cause I knew he wouldn't be around. He came to town when you were 12. He told me he wanted to be in your life. I'm sorry Ella, but I just couldn't let him come now. It was too late for him." My mother finished quietly.

"What's his last name?" I ask just as quietly as she had been when she finished.

"Grant."

"Oh." And I burst into tears. My mother hugged me, kissed my hair and told me she loved me. At least someone did. Then I rememebered Jason.

"Oh, Mom?"

"What is it honey?" She asks curiously.

"I met Jason in the park today after school. You rememeber Jason Conrad from the third grade?" I ask happilly.

"Oh that cute boy who asked you to go play nintendo at his house?" She asked rememebering driving me to his house.

"Yeah, that's him. I think I'm hanging out with him tomorrow after school." I tell her. I hadn't actually discussed this with him yet, but I'm sure he'd be fine with it.

"Alright Ella, just rememeber, use protection." She says with a mischeifious smile.

"Moooom!" I wail in embarrasement.

"Oh my god Ella! I was talking about sunscreen!" She said in a silly tone. Of course she wasn't.

"Good night mom."

"Good night Ella."

I get to my room and change into my pijamas. Could my father really not want to be in my life? Was his name really Jeremy Grant? Should my name legally be Ella Grant? Did he really want to see me when I was 12? Or was my mother just making up upsetting stories to make me not ask about him anymore.

Whatever the reason was, I wasn't happy with it. I still believe I have the right to meet my father, and now with a name I actually have a chance! I couldn't wait to tell Sarah. Then it dawned on me, I don't have a best friend anymore. I blew Sarah off in a time of need. Best friends don't do that. I could call Sarah now, she wouldn't listen to me, or care. Has she ever cared though?

I couldn't call Nick; he has no idea of my father issues and would probably think I was calling on behalf of Sarah. The next closest thing I have to a friend was Alyssa. I bet she'd care less then Sarah would. I felt alone and lonely suddenly. Who could I call to talk to? I couldn't think of anyone, and then my phone vibrated.

Hey There Ella-Bear. How bout you come on a walk with me? I can't get you out of my head.
Message From: Jason Conrad

Ella-Bear? Jason was just too cute sometimes. But I could talk to him? He'd be there for me. I noticed he's been there for me alot lately. I ran down stairs and called for my mom.

"What is it honey?" She responds.

"I'm going for a walk with Jason, I'll be back around 10, kay mom?" She nodded, and I walked out the door.

The breeze was cool, but it felt good blowing onto my face. It felt cleansing. I was happy to be meeting Jason at the park. He seemed to be easy to t alk to, and he made me laugh. With my thoughts full of Jason, I didn't notice when I walked into someone on the street.

I lifted my head up to see who it was. "Oh." was my simple response. To my surprise he responded with the same response.

"So, what are you doing out here Nick?" I ask, trying to make conversation. He pulled his arm up at scratched the back of his head.

"Umm, I was going for a walk. You know, clearing my head. Trying to find out if I did the right thing." He answered me.

"Yeah, me too." I say. We continue to walk in the dark, silently. We reach a bench and sit down.

"You know Ella, I've loved you since the moment I saw you. Forget about Sarah! You're the one that I want." He says excitedly. The song 'You're the one that I want' from the movie Grease begins to play.

"Really Nick? Really, really really?" I ask giggling wildly. He grabs my hand. And looks me in the eyes.

"Really, really, really Ella! I just want to kiss you so much. Please let me kiss you!" He says breathlessly. I realize this is my moment. My big moment to kiss Nick. He closes his turquoise eyes and leans in towards me. I close my eyes too, and wait for his lips to reach mine. The butterflies in my stomach go wild! I can barely sit still.

"Ella? I said I see Jason Conrad's over there." Nick says waking me up from my day dream. Sure enough I open my eyes to find myself sitting on a bench with Nick Miller watching Jason Conrad walking towards us.

"Oh." Is all I say.

"Hey Ella! Oh, Nick." Jason says, alittle confused. Nick realizes that he's the odd one out, so he gets up, touches my arm reashuringly and leaves. Once he's gone, Jason starts talking.

"Oh, sorry about that. I forgot about you and him." He says honestly.

"It's okay. I don't really think anything is ever going to happen, but I still have my fingers crossed! I'm not going to give up." I tell him. I realized now I could tell him about my dad.

"Do you believe your mom?" He asks.

"I think I do. But I'm going to find out who he is know. I have a name, and I can do alot with that." I say.

"You're determined. I love that. I'll help you with whatever you need." Jason tells me excitedly. I went on to explain to him about how I used to talk about this kind of stuff with Sarah, but we got in a fight.

"Don't worry, I wont forget about your feelings like Sarah did. Does this mean I've replaced Sarah? Am I your new best friend?" Jason asked timidly. I could've sworn I saw him flinch when he said best friends, but I ignored it and nodded my head.

"Yes, it does." I say with a smile. An even bigger smile appears on Jasons face and he gives me a hug suddenly.

"I'm stronger than Sarah, so if Nick hurts you, just come to me. I swear I'll be a better best friend than she ever was." He whispered into my ear. Hearing him stand up for me made me squeeze more. "Thank you Jason. I owe you." I whisper into his ear. For a moment, I thought I felt him smile.

"I really have to go now Jay." I say looking at the time on my phone. 10:30, damnit. "I told my mom I'd be home by 10.

"Hey, I'll walk you hope. If you need to I can talk to your mom..." He offers, and I chuckle.

"It's alright, but I suppose it'd be nice to have someone to walk home with." And then we leave.

He told me he'd be a better best friend than Sarah, but was Sarah really a bad best friend? She cared, just more about herself than me. But So did I. I cared for myself more than her in her time of need. Maybe we could still be friends.

"Thanks Jason." I say walking into my house.

"Bye Ella." He says behind me. Maybe this wont be so bad.