This Tragic Affair

And so he was actually gone. If a coffin containing his body was not enough confirmation of Daniel’s death, then Monique did not know what was.

The coffin made its way up the aisle to a slow and mournful tune, much like Monique should have done. She could not bear to watch; instead, her eyes remained tightly closed while tears quietly crept down her face. She hadn’t even bothered lining her eyes with black for she hadn’t stopped crying since the night after his death.

But even while avoiding looking at the scene around her, Monique could not avoid her thoughts. Memories of Daniel flowed relentlessly through her mind. Whether it was the memory of the first time they laid eyes upon one another, or just the way his dark hair looked good in a certain style, anything Monique thought of made her miserable.

They chose not to have some religious man who had never met Daniel to speak at the funeral. Instead, they were not going to mourn his death, but celebrate his life.

Monique didn’t want to celebrate his life. Daniel was supposed to still be alive, they were supposed to be married and be starting a new chapter of their lives together. She didn’t have to say goodbye.

But every single person who spoke about Daniel could not avoid his or her tears. His death left a gaping hole in their lives – a gap too big to fill, at a time when it was too early to talk about.

Monique did not want to have to go up and express her feelings for the love of her life. Not in front of these people. Not in front of people who had never felt the same connection with him that she had…not in front of people who could not relate to the sheer pain that seared through her heart with every thought of him. But she still made her way up the front, her miserable black dress only reflecting the colour every one else chose to dress in.

She turned to face the crowd, ignoring the relentless flow of tears down her face. Most expected a weak, scared voice to emit from her chapped lips; but instead her voice remained forcefully strong. Monique did not even like the words she spoke, but she continued anyway. Daniel was not the noble, ingenious man everyone seemed to describe. He was Daniel, unique and irreplaceable, and impossible to describe with ordinary words.

Everyone was impressed with her strength. But on the inside, Monique felt insecure and weak. She was not strong at all. When Daniel died, a part of her died with him, and that was no cause for celebration. The mass of black in front of her was no reason to be happy either – on the contrary, it made her heart feel blackened and broken.

The usual ceremonies followed. Song after song rang around the hall, accompanied by photos of his life and respects paid by those closest to him. As his coffin exited the church and was followed by his family, the haunting cries of Daniel’s mother echoed around Monique’s head. “My baby…my baby…”

The reception that followed was even more unbearable. People gathered at Daniel’s parents’ house, drinking and laughing, making toasts to his memory. Had they not just attended the funeral of Daniel? What was the reason for celebration?

Monique remained cold and distant to those around her, her thin fingers tightly gripping her champagne glass as she stared out the window. The weather outside seemed to reflect her mood; icy and miserable, cold and depressed. No one came over to talk with the belief she was too ridden with grief to communicate. Instead she sat by the window, almost waiting for Daniel to walk through the front door.

“Mon?” The familiar voice of Monique’s brother barely awoke her from her distant thoughts. He sat next to her, his gaze following hers out the window. “Are you okay?”

“No,” she replied, taking a sip of her tasteless champagne and trying to look into her brother’s eyes. “I’ll never be okay again.”

“I know, it was a stupid question.” Mark’s face was etched with concern as he looked at his older sister. “He wouldn’t have wanted you to drag on your life, mourning over him.”

“He wouldn’t have wanted to go at all,” Monique replied forcefully, gripping her glass a little more tightly.

“True,” Mark said softly, nodding. He sighed. “I’m sorry – I’m not the best for comforting people. But Monique, I’m always here for you.”

She gave a forced smile, feeling slightly heartened at Mark’s words. “Thanks, Mark.”

“No problem,” he replied, taking a sip from his drink. “I feel like I haven’t talked to you in ages. How have you been?” He paused on seeing Monique’s reaction. “My bad.”

“How are you and Janet?” Monique asked casually, although she really didn’t want to hear about how happy a couple Mark and his girlfriend Janet were.

“Fine,” Mark answered. “Look, Monique, you’ve got to – “

“Don’t tell me I’ve got to do anything,” Monique said quietly, returning her gaze at the cold landscape outside. “Because I don’t feel like doing anything right now except joining Daniel in the grave.”

“Monique, you’ve got to get out there and live your life. It’s been two weeks since his death…isn’t it time to move on?”

“Yes. It’s been two weeks and they still don’t know who did it. I’m not going to stop living like I’m dead until this is solved once and for all. I’m not letting Daniel die in vain, Mark.” Monique could feel the tears threatening to escape from her eyes again. Would they ever stop?

Mark was silent, lost in apparent thought. Monique began to feel depressed yet again, thoughts of Daniel swirling around endlessly. Two weeks without Daniel felt like a lifetime. And yet two weeks was such a short time. Was she supposed to have gotten over him so quickly, and continue her life?

No. She was going to stay miserable until she knew why he was dead.

“I’m sorry,” Mark said again, standing up and pulling Monique into a hug. “As I said, I’m always here for you. If you want to move in with me and Janet, that’s fine as well.”

Monique shook her head. “Thanks anyway, Mark, but I don’t want to ruin you and Janet’s lives with my miserable state.”

“Any time, though, Monique. I’m here for you.”

Monique nodded, keeping her arms tightly wrapped around Mark’s lean figure. Life sure was never going to be the same. Daniel was gone.