Claustrophobic
02.
“What are you going to change your name to, when you’ve had the operation, Bella?” the doctor asked softly. She was taking notes on my every facial expression, change of posture – my every breath even – of course.
“I don’t know.” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “I mean, I’ve thought about it, but I’ve never decided on anything.”
“Okay – and do you feel your ideas on your new identity are going to reflect the new you? Or are you going to try and make your new name a boy’s version of Bella?”
“Probably a totally new me, but I haven’t decided yet.”
“Maybe you and Mrs Kaulitz can have a chat about it and brainstorm some ideas, hm?” she smiled, but she looked bored underneath. “Maybe you could even think about, perhaps, using the name your mother would’ve called you if you were born a boy?”
“Hm, maybe.” I was bored of the session now. They called it a ‘session’, but it was the same thing as an ‘appointment’. They think I’m sick. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to curl up in my bed and sleep.
Until Tom decided that he wasn’t going to support me, we had always shared a room. It wasn’t always convenient, but it was necessary, in house. We didn’t have another room for me to sleep in. It was horrible, of course, being a girl, with boobs growing and periods, and sharing a room with my older brother. Ten damn minutes older; ten minutes that made him think he was so much better than I was.
When Tom told me that he didn’t want to be my big brother any more, Mum and I converted the attic into a bedroom, so that I didn’t have to share with him. Mum didn’t like it any more than I did, but he didn’t want me in his room, and if I’m honest, the attic room is nice.
“That’s our hour up, Bella. It’s time for you to go.” she smiled the same, bored smile. “You’ll be able to pick up your prescription by Thursday next week, okay?”
I really need to work on that name thing. Bella is getting old.
My mum and I walked out of the office, her arms around me. My mum was the same height as me, and she was pretty tall. She said she was five-foot-eight, so I guess I am too. Tom’s nearly six-foot. I miss being his little sister and being his best friend all rolled into one.
“Your brother text me,” she said softly. “He said that he’s going to his friend’s house and won’t be back for either tonight, Saturday, or Sunday. I’ve got you all to myself all weekend!” she smiled happily. “Just me and my gir–”
“Mum,” I cut her off. I didn’t want to be reminded of that little fact again today; the fact that made itself known in my underwear. Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays were always hard. They were the days when I went to that damn therapist’s room.
“I don’t know.” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “I mean, I’ve thought about it, but I’ve never decided on anything.”
“Okay – and do you feel your ideas on your new identity are going to reflect the new you? Or are you going to try and make your new name a boy’s version of Bella?”
“Probably a totally new me, but I haven’t decided yet.”
“Maybe you and Mrs Kaulitz can have a chat about it and brainstorm some ideas, hm?” she smiled, but she looked bored underneath. “Maybe you could even think about, perhaps, using the name your mother would’ve called you if you were born a boy?”
“Hm, maybe.” I was bored of the session now. They called it a ‘session’, but it was the same thing as an ‘appointment’. They think I’m sick. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to curl up in my bed and sleep.
Until Tom decided that he wasn’t going to support me, we had always shared a room. It wasn’t always convenient, but it was necessary, in house. We didn’t have another room for me to sleep in. It was horrible, of course, being a girl, with boobs growing and periods, and sharing a room with my older brother. Ten damn minutes older; ten minutes that made him think he was so much better than I was.
When Tom told me that he didn’t want to be my big brother any more, Mum and I converted the attic into a bedroom, so that I didn’t have to share with him. Mum didn’t like it any more than I did, but he didn’t want me in his room, and if I’m honest, the attic room is nice.
“That’s our hour up, Bella. It’s time for you to go.” she smiled the same, bored smile. “You’ll be able to pick up your prescription by Thursday next week, okay?”
I really need to work on that name thing. Bella is getting old.
My mum and I walked out of the office, her arms around me. My mum was the same height as me, and she was pretty tall. She said she was five-foot-eight, so I guess I am too. Tom’s nearly six-foot. I miss being his little sister and being his best friend all rolled into one.
“Your brother text me,” she said softly. “He said that he’s going to his friend’s house and won’t be back for either tonight, Saturday, or Sunday. I’ve got you all to myself all weekend!” she smiled happily. “Just me and my gir–”
“Mum,” I cut her off. I didn’t want to be reminded of that little fact again today; the fact that made itself known in my underwear. Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays were always hard. They were the days when I went to that damn therapist’s room.
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I don't normally update this quickly, but I'm in the swing of things. :)Thank you to all my wonderful commenters!
[There are probably a fair few typos. It's 3:40AM here, I'm tired - I haven't slept.
Please try and ignore them, just for now. Ahah.]